Partner doesn't want a second child but I cannot get over it

[Tuli666]

Hello everyone,
I am 44 and my partner is 58, though he looks (and somewhat behaves) younger than me...
We've been together 14 years and tried for a baby when I was 36 but no luck so we went for IVF and ended up with three embryos. One is not an amazing 5 year old girl, the light of our life. The other embryos are still frozen.

Since our daughter was about 1.5 I wanted to have a second child, but my partner didn't. We discussed it so much, and went through a few phases where I thought I convinced myself I am ok with it but I always come back to feeling I am just kidding myself. It has become a real issue in the past year and a half, I've become so miserable seeing everyone in my NCT and friends around having their second, I am feeling quite depressed. Having those two embryos feel like we have two other children waiting to come to us.
We've been going to therapy but it is not helping so much. I understand his reasons and they are all valid, however, I don't seem to be able to move on.

Our therapist advised us to contact the hospital to discard the embryos so we can get closure but I am devastated by the thought this is really it.
I feel like I cannot forgive my partner, who says no but still has doubts sometimes, while I am so sure of my wants and needs. It feels like he's not taking me into consideration so it hurts even more.

If anyone here been in a similar situation either with ivf or not, did you manage to have a second? One of my not so close friends told her partner either another or she leaves and now they have two. I don't want to behave that way but I also don't know how I can live the rest of my life without having another and not resenting my partner forever.

I suspect the OP's DP doesn't want to be nearly 80 with a teenager! They are demanding enough tin my 50s.

At 38, it's likely that only 1 of your embryos was viable anyway, which is now your daughter. It's possible that you'd have 1 more out of your two remaining, but only about 45% are euploid by that age. Then there are all the other reasons that embryo might not result in a live birth anyway. I do wonder if you'd feel better if you tried them both and they failed, rather than never knowing. The not knowing is very difficult. Would you consider sending them for PGT-A to know if they were even viable? At 37 I tested 5 embryos, 2 were normal so the other 3 perished.

I'm happy to have my final child in my early 40s, but I don't have an older husband to worry about. I'm looking into donor eggs incase my own doesn't stick, and i'm in fertility groups with so many women successfully having children in their 40s (alone and with a partner) so it's quite normal to me. Opinions will differ depending on outlook, so you can only do what's right for you and your life.

He's nearly 60. Of course he doesn't want to have another baby now. This is your life - it's a good one, you have a child and a partner you love. Don't fuck it up by wishing for a different life. You are lucky to have what you have. Enjoy it!

If you just think for five minutes about the practicalities and reality it should put you off. The frozen embyro situation though makes it much harder, I'm not sure how I'd feel about that myself. But most people your age and certainly by DH's age are looking forward to a new phase of life with a bit more freedom from the constant demands of younger children. With a five year old now that may seem further away, but in a few years time you will feel differently. Plus many people also have parents starting to become elderly in their 40s and 50s, not sure if that is in the mix for you, but having a baby at the same time is about the worst combination you can think of. Your husband is much older and may start to have health issues, as may you yourself. I'm 48 and DH is only 52 but we've both had serious health scares in the last 5-10 years, and our kids are 18 and 15. Another child at this stage for most people means they can't retire. I've certainly started to plan for retirement in the last few months and wasn't thinking about it at all 4-5 years ago. Just try and enjoy what you have now and look to the future also.

Honestly a huge part will be your hormones, they often go insane around then Mother Nature and her last chance saloon chucking eggs out in twos and threes.

Honestly I’m surprised he even wanted one child, especially if it wasn’t an easy conception. Going through IVF again will be a massive impact on your existing child, I don’t think it’s fair. Really do focus on what you’ve got, it won’t last forever

Hard on you OP but no. Unfair on your DP. He's 58 now, even if your ivf was successful he could be 60 when child is born - that's unfair to both your DP and the child. It's way too much to ask.

Splitting your family because of your desire for another child (which may not happen, due to your previous experience not to mention your age) would be so incredibly selfish, sorry. Why would you do that to your 5 year old, the light of your life.

More therapy perhaps, to help you come to terms, and please don't let your resentment ruin your relationship.

Sounds like a really difficult situation OP but I was a child in this situation. I was born when my dad was 53, my mum 35, then my younger brother when dad was 59. He was always mistaken as our grandad, he took early retirement to be a SAHP and so did all the school runs. Unfortunately kids can be cruel and we were very much teased about our 'old' dad. He's now 84 with end stage dementia while we are 31 and 25. He has no clue about his 2 granddaughters and will never meet any children my brother has, if he does go on to have any. He's been an amazing dad and we are very lucky to have him but it's not been an experience comparable with the majority of our peers.

I’d echo what pp have said about hormonal based broodiness. I’m 44 and so done with pregnancy/ babies. My youngest is nearly 10 and I’m just getting my life back. I have this weird broody thing going on, logically I don’t want another child it’d be awful for the family but hormones.

I’m pretty sure it’s just that final glush of fertility before menopause.

Glush/ flush

Sorry op but you’re both too old, and it probably won’t work. You need to get out your head that he is “stopping” you or you’re going to resent him and your relationship will fail.
either way, you’re not going to have another baby. He doesn’t want one so you can’t use your embryos with him, and you on your own are also too old to leave him and try for your second baby. Sorry if that’s harsh but I think you need to accept this and move on with your life.

Sorry I know it must be tough. Surely you know deep down that your partner is far too old at 58 to be having a second child and even at 44, you would be an old parent.

Incredibly selfish....I'm all for older parents but your DH is too old and your pretty much there as well. Enjoy the life and family you thought you might not have.

I really feel for you, but the reality is even if he agreed, and the embryo transfer was successful etc etc, he would be 76-77 when the child turned 18. I can absolutely understand that he does not want to have another child on that basis. At this point, your DD will turn 18 when he's 71-72, and he still has some hope of being active enough to enjoy a few years of active retirement - having a big holiday etc. At 76-77, he might not be able to do that - every year after 70 you really start seeing that gradual decline, even if you're really fit, active people, I've really seen it with my parents: My mum still runs a 5k every week alongside lots of other active things, still looks less than 60, but her average time has slowed significantly year on year since turning 70.

Have you considered fostering, where you would be able to channel your maternal instincts into giving a little one a home and lots of care, but he wouldn't have to commit to caring for them until he is in his late 70s?

His friends may be grandfathers by now.

The prospect of another round of pregnancy anxiety, watching you go through labour in your 40s, sleepless nights, exhaustion, financial implications etc at 58 must be very scary.

My dad was 42 and 45 when we were born. He died at 67 when we were in our 20s. I wish we'd had longer, being without your dad is hard and I'm afraid 58 really is unrealistic.

But having those embryos in waiting - that must be so hard too.

Peri meno does very strange things. I was rampant, and had some adventures that I look back on in amazement - but know now it was nature shouting 'get pregnant'.

Hi OP, I sympathise with how you feel.

My husband has only ever wanted one child which at the time I was happy with, but when our first child was about 18 months old I started getting extreme yearning for a second. It was gut wrenching when my husband kept saying no and I spent many a night in tears. Thankfully he did change his mind a few years later but that interim period was very hard for me. I felt like I was grieving for a future I so badly wanted but would never have.

However, on the flip side we were younger than you and much younger than my husband. My husband was 33 when he agreed to try for a second but he said that if I wasn’t pregnant by the time he was 35 then we would stop as that was his ‘cut off’ age becoming a new parent. He said anything above 35 was “too old” to be having babies.

At your husband’s age it’s no surprise at all that he doesn’t want another baby and deep down you must know that. Even at 44 you are at the later end of the scale when having another baby is viewed as being feasible and realistic.

I do understand the pain you must be feeling but I think you need to find a way to be thankful what you have and enjoy your life together as a family of 3.

Glush is a great word and should go in the dictionary at once.

OP, I think your therapist is wrong about destroying the embryos, I think that is a step too far right now and would cause you more pain.

But I don’t think your husband is being unreasonable. As others have said, this is the time of life when things can change rapidly. Back pain making it difficult to lift a child. Sleeping difficulties making it harder to keep working at a full on pace. Lots of people stop driving in their 70s etc.

Not everyone, of course. But I can absolutely see why your DH wants to preserve his energy for the child that is here and the life that he already has.

In your situation I'd really focus on what you have. I don't think it's the right time to be having a second. Enjoy your DD and enjoy life as a family of three.

You sound like a wonderful mum op

Keep in mind the risk of learning difficulties and needs that the new baby might have due to age of parents (I say that will great respect) and how you would manage lifelong care if you dh is in his 70s during the time they move to adulthood. They might need life long care.

Lots of talk about broodiness, but isn’t this just the OP wanting to continue the plan they had from the start - for two children using the IVF embryos that already exist. It’s not like you’ve done a 180 turnaround recently, having previously been happy with one child.
I can absolutely see your point of view - and I think this will be a tough one to get over. I would want to give it one last try. It may be too late but I’d have to know.

On the other hand, I wouldn’t want to be a parent again at 58 - but he was 50 odd when you started TTC so surely being an older dad isn’t a surprise to him?

@Candleabra sure, but the reality of a child actually being here when he is mid 50s is different. OP says she has wanted to use the embryos since DD was 1.5. DH would have been 54/55 and probably feeling daunted by the energy required for their DD already.

Candelabra, there's really nothing in op's post to suggest they'd discussed having more children using the remaining embryos.

I think 'giving it one last try' would be a terrible idea for all the reasons upthread.

As a daughter of older parents (and still nowhere near as old as your partner) I echo PPs message of just don't do it. Like PP everyone assumed my Dad was my Grandad and I have had a very different life experience to my peers. My upbringing is the very reason I had children young and would never consider having children at your age

He’s 58
by the time a baby is born he most likely to be around 60
your needs aren’t more valid then his

I don’t blame him for not wanting another baby

be grateful for what you have a healthy gorgeous five year old and a happy stable marriage with a man who was willing and happy to have a baby in his mid 50

not what you don’t have

It's a sad situation but you really shouldn't try to make him a father of another child against his will.