Partner doesn't want a second child but I cannot get over it

[Tuli666]

Hello everyone,
I am 44 and my partner is 58, though he looks (and somewhat behaves) younger than me...
We've been together 14 years and tried for a baby when I was 36 but no luck so we went for IVF and ended up with three embryos. One is not an amazing 5 year old girl, the light of our life. The other embryos are still frozen.

Since our daughter was about 1.5 I wanted to have a second child, but my partner didn't. We discussed it so much, and went through a few phases where I thought I convinced myself I am ok with it but I always come back to feeling I am just kidding myself. It has become a real issue in the past year and a half, I've become so miserable seeing everyone in my NCT and friends around having their second, I am feeling quite depressed. Having those two embryos feel like we have two other children waiting to come to us.
We've been going to therapy but it is not helping so much. I understand his reasons and they are all valid, however, I don't seem to be able to move on.

Our therapist advised us to contact the hospital to discard the embryos so we can get closure but I am devastated by the thought this is really it.
I feel like I cannot forgive my partner, who says no but still has doubts sometimes, while I am so sure of my wants and needs. It feels like he's not taking me into consideration so it hurts even more.

If anyone here been in a similar situation either with ivf or not, did you manage to have a second? One of my not so close friends told her partner either another or she leaves and now they have two. I don't want to behave that way but I also don't know how I can live the rest of my life without having another and not resenting my partner forever.

She can't use the embryos without his agreement though so this is bollocks

I was hoping you might be able to help me find a way to move on, find peace, not view him as someone who broke my heart in a way.

Only you can do that. And it's an active choice to move on, not something you can just wait to happen on its own.

You're being selfish. He's 58 and has very valid reason. If this was the other way round I'm sure you'd have something to say.

@Runnerinthenight He’s not being selfish. Our reasoning isn’t age - I only mentioned our ages as the OP had mentioned theirs and I thought it was helpful to point out that we are in a similar position but are younger.

Adoption is a very challenging process. Children who are adopted often have lots of additional needs and trauma. Our family life right now is very happy, settled. DS is thriving after a really awful start for the first 2 years of his life. We have what I would say is a very ‘normal’ family life. The risk of adopting a child who ends up with high needs and upending our little family unit is very high. My DH is being logical. I know he is right but sometimes knowing what is right and the emotions don’t quite match up!

If it was a case of I could just get pregnant, we would definitely have more but unfortunately it’s just not that easy for us!

Not possible

It's ivf and will need dh consent

Gosh OP - this sounds so tough. The age stuff is a red herring - you could be faced with this dilemma at any age if one half of the couple wants another child and one doesn't. I know people are focusing on it but it's not really the point by the sound of it.

Unfortunately sometimes in life we just have to find a way to accept that we can't have something we want. Two children is not an option for you. You can't have another with this man and you can't leave him and have one any other way either. I know that might be hard to accept but if you partner is resolute (and I think you have to assume he is) then this is your reality. I imagine you are feeling extreme grief for the life you can't have and that is understandable.

Might it be worth trying another therapist? I think working through this is your only option but perhaps someone else might be able to support you better? I have no idea if this is a thing but are there support groups for people in your situation perhaps?

I hope you find peace x

I always comment on these posts as I have the perspective of being the unwanted child. I grew with an extremely resentful dad who then left and siblings who blamed me for their broken. Indeed, we are all adults now but one of my siblings still lashes out at me when she is angry. My existence tore apart a previously established happy family. It’s not fair on a child to lay that on them. I’ve battled anxiety and depression for most over my life because of my shitty childhood. Don’t be that mum.

My exH was born with his parents the exact age you and your DH are. He was an only child. His parents were fit and well and apparently youthful for their years.

His father died suddenly when he was three and his mother developed dementia while he was still in his teens.

You don't know what the future holds and you already have one child. Please forget adding another one. It's doubtful that the embryos will be viable and you would put yourself through a lot more hormonal upheaval and heartbreak with nothing to show for it. You know having a second child is a non starter. I'm a lot older than you and still get broody when I see a gorgeous baby. Luckily there's nothing I can do to have one. It's not worth destroying your relationship over this.

How would that actually work in reality though? Her quickest route would be IVF with a sperm donor but she is 44 and has said herself the chances of success with newly harvested eggs is very low. So she splits up her family and leaves the man she loves for a very small chance to have another child via a sperm donor?

40 really doesn't seem that old to be a parent now, but when I was born (back a million years ago) all of my friends had parents who had had them at the age of 21 or 22... so my Dad did genuinely seem ancient. Their parents had all been born in the sixties and there was my Dad, a war baby who could remember the old King being on the throne.

I don't think that I lack empathy for people's circumstances ... there were obviously valid reasons for why my father didn't become a father until he was 40, but I'm just being honest about how I felt as a child/teenager because at times it really troubled me.

I think you are being selfish, sorry. Your DH doesn’t need a reason for not wanting another (but does have valid ones nonetheless). This is a You problem. Would you really break up the home of your current child for this? Really? I think hormones and peri might be a factor here amongst other things. See your GP. You are missing out on enjoying life with your actual child and DH while fixating on something that isn’t going to happen (and even if you did break up your home and leave, it’s highly unlikely given your own age).

Gosh I wouldn’t. He sounds like an arse.

One of my friends mum was in her 40s when she had her. Dad was in his 60s. They always assumed mum would outlive dad and would be around to see her grow up. As it happened mum got cancer and died when she was 12. She became a child carer for her dad who had Parkinson’s. By 20 she had no parents left. I really wouldn’t consider children at your ages

What does he say when he says he has doubts re: not having a second? Has he given clear reasons why he doesn't want another?

I think a lot of people are focusing on age, but you wanted to use the embryos when he was a similar age to when you had the first child, and he still wasn't keen.

My partner and I are late thirties. We have had a second, but he is very adamant he doesn't want a third (whereas i really do). Appreciate it's not the same as not having a second. His reasons are not realising just how exhausting babies and toddlers would actually be, the impact on our lives and careers, and feeling he doesn't have enough attention to split with another child. He thinks it'll impact our retirement plans (it would I agree) and that we won't be able to travel with the children as we'd like to as it'll be too hard and expensive.

I understand his reasons, I really do, but I've still put aside the baby clothes and things, and will feel sad and resentful I think if we don't have another.

Personally in your shoes I'd want a second also. You also have the possibility of existing embryos and what ifs there, which makes it so much harder

The happiest “mum of an only but not by choice” (if I can put it that way) who I know has been very rational about her situation. This is similar to yours in some ways, although she and her DH were in their 40s; they’d had multiple miscarriages, rounds of IVF etc. And then had their DS, which delighted them both. And, sure enough, a couple of years later, they decided to try again and she embarked on this in earnest. But after a while and another failure and a kindly doctor explaining to her that her odds were low due to her age, she took stock of the situation. Realised that she was really lucky to have her son (a lot of people she’d met on her IVF journey were still childless) and that this relentless pursuit of the “second child” was actually spoiling her experience of motherhood with the child she did have. And so she made a conscious decision just to accept her circumstances - an only child - and focus on him. And they have a lovely life. She will openly say that, in other circumstances, she’d have liked more children - but she can accept that those weren’t her circumstances (met her DH later and both had fertility issues). But she focuses on the luck that she did have and the son that she did have and the life that they have together and the things that they’re able to do as a family because one child means more plentiful finances etc. I would urge you to try to do the same if you can. There is no “perfect family” and nothing is guaranteed. You might have a second child with serious problems (more likely given your ages). You might have two kids who don’t get on at all (like another friend of mine - family life was a living hell for about ten years as her kids constantly bickered and fought). Try and focus on the positives of one child and look to mitigate the negatives and you will be so much happier.

All the comments about having a child with serious issues being more likely at their ages - isn’t it the age at the time of embryo creation that is relevant ie 38 and 52, rather than current age?

Can happen to anyone of any age at any time.

58 I agree is too old but I'm seriously confused by people saying 40 is too old and they hated having Dads who were 40 when they were born. This is nothing out of the ordinary at all now especially among more educated people who've taken longer to build up careers before they have kids.

I'm 34 now and pregnant with our second and DH will be 40 in May. We had our first when I was 26 and DH was 31 and we both felt young compared to other parents in our NCT group at that time.

My Dad was 40 when I was born and has 0 health issues. Not that I'm particularly close to him but that has diddly squat to do with his age.

Well, of course.

But I was specifically addressing posters speaking about this couple’s ages.

Thanks, though.

38 is above the age where eggs start to deteriorate and the odds of children with disabilities increases above 35. The sperm quality at 52 is also impaired and older fathers do have greater risks of children with disabilities. 38 and 52 is well into the higher risk bracket.

Yes, it's the age at freezing that matters. 38 carries a significantly increased risk of cognitive disabilities compared to even early 30s, but 45+ is when the difference really skyrockets. The father's age also matters, of course.

We also don't yet know the consequences of keeping embryos frozen for years on end.

So what age would be your cut off? Op is 44.

I also think your DH is being very selfish. I had my youngest when I was 40 (through circumstances) and it was absolutely fine. He's not too old!

What?! He’s the very definition of the opposite of selfish. The man is nearly 60, FFS.

This is so sad to read. It's now or never. You literally have to give yourself a deadline to move on or use the embryos (literally end of month, you're 44!). Does your partner know how much it pains you? I worry that this will eat you up and you will forever have resentment. In your shoes I don't think I could move on, I'd need to use the embryos (I have 3 ivf children, with 2 embryos still left- I know the emotional turmoil!). Sit your partner down and get it decided once and for all. Good luck x

I think 40 isn’t unusual these days for a father. Back in the 70s /80s possibly 90s it’d of been comparatively old. My Exdh was 40-45 when we had kids so will be retirement age by the time they are financially independent. At 58 early it’d be early 80s. I have to admit I don’t know any men who are in good health in their 80s. Although the women in my family tend to do better.