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Brexit

Westminstenders: Spitting Image Reimagined

960 replies

RedToothBrush · 12/02/2019 16:45

In a parallel universe Spitting Image never left our screens.

Theresa is a zombie who the other Tories can not not kill no matter how many times they try. Attempts to try and bump her off make up a regular weekly slot.

Spreadsheet Phil is a bit like John Major; grey and dull. But Spreadsheet Phil has something else. A giant magic calculator he spends the entire time adding up the cost of Brexit, until his fingers start giving off smoke from the speed.

The Saj. The Saj is gonna fix it. The Saj makes a point of trying to be more xenophobic than every other member of the Cabinet at meetings until everyone looks at him ranting incoherently about an orchestraed army of illegals invading on board a flottilla of inflatable kayaks.

Jeremy, now has a union jack lapel badge where his NHS one once was placed. Jeremy is a suck up. No matter what the subject, he's the one on the button with party sentiment. He flip flops depending on what the latest hot topic of Conservative Home is. He spends a lot of time checking the website for inspiration. He's usually also about two inches away from May's arse.

Stephen is a stuffed teddy bear, devoid of personality. He just gets passed around and sat in the right chair at EU meetings and doesn't speak or do much whilst wearing his rapidly fading Vote Leave Tshirt.

Gavin generally sits in the corner playing with his toy soliders and the unlucky soul he's forced to play with him today. They always look petrified and as if they have been taken hostage.

David sit with his head perpetually in his hands. He's forever cleaning up the mess that Chris has made in the office.

Matt, has an app on his phone that he constantly plays with. He now wears Jeremy's old lapel badge. He is currently trying to order body bags and insulin and not look incredibly worried. He would like a bus, but no one will give him one.

No one can remember who on earth Damian even is. They keep asking his name and job title. Its like his entire department has fallen down the crack at the back of the sofa.

Dr Liam, just bores the tits off everyone showing them his latest holiday snaps of some far flung African country no one can find on the map.

Greg. Poor Greg. He offers the Japanese a cracking deal. Then Theresa blew it. Generally speaking his job is purely to ring around businesses shouting 'ITS ALL GOING TO BE FINE. REALLY IT IS. HONEST. I PROMISE YOU'. With ever decreasing panic and sense of terror with each new call.

Michael, like Jeremy tries to stand as close to Theresa as physically possible. He's weasel looking with his hand constantly behind his back concealing a knife.

Chris sits plays with a lighter and a naked fuel or some other lethal combination, looking at it with wonder about what might happen if they touch. Everyone tends to try and sit as far away from Chris as possible as usually there is a disaster close at hand.

Amber, after having got another job after being sacked to save May resigning from the Home Office, spends the entire time threatening to resign again. Everyone ignores her, because they know she'll never do it. She's just background noise.

Andrea just fetches the home made jam, tea and biscuits and looks confused most of the time.

The potrait of Maggie on the wall, just looks on with a new expression of horror each episode.

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Littlespaces · 14/02/2019 18:34

What makes you think that?

TatianaLarina · 14/02/2019 18:35

Yep.

If you think the Tories are at war now, just wait till you see the story breaking at 8pm. #staytuned

twitter.com/PolhomeEditor

Calyx72 · 14/02/2019 18:36

Thanks for these threads everyone. I'm looking in every couple of days and you always have all my questions answered.

I'm aghast at the self harm this Brexit shite is to the UK. I'm desperate for Scotland's independence but a hard Brexit isn't a price I would like to pay. I love our islands and don't want to see England and Wales struggle and Ireland go backwards to horror any more than anyone else. This UK government (Tory and Labour anyway) have much to answer for Angry

Is revoke dead?

I hope the SNP are going to gear up soon and announce indyref2 before it's too late as I believe WM will use the coming Brexit shitstorm to shut down Holyrood as part of the martial law plans and then that's Scotland's parachute gubbed Sad

Anyway. Just thanks everyone and good luck ThanksGinGinTardis

prettybird · 14/02/2019 18:39

It was "announced" by Kevin Schofield of Politics Home (and retweeted by Nicola Sturgeon).

Twitter keeps crashing when I try to open it on my phone, so I can't copy/link.

TatianaLarina · 14/02/2019 18:41

I’ve posted the link 18.37 ^^

DGRossetti · 14/02/2019 18:43

If you think the Tories are at war now, just wait till you see the story breaking at 8pm.

Looks like tomorrow could be as nice as it was today, weatherwise. Hurrah !

(It's almost as if I really couldn't give a shit anymore ...)

67chevvyimpala · 14/02/2019 18:44

8pm?

Right.

starts stress eating

SparklySneakers · 14/02/2019 18:44

Is there actually a workable answer??

prettybird · 14/02/2019 18:45

Calyx72 - I feel the same as you. I don't want independence on the back of the pain and suffering of the poorest and most vulnerable across the British Isles (even though at times I have to fight thoughts of "Hell mend 'em" Blush) Sad

I think Indyref2 will be sooner in a No Deal scenario - but I still think it is a few years away.

RedToothBrush · 14/02/2019 18:47

Haven't watched today.

Just seen this tweet from Ian dunt from 2hrs ago

Ian Dunt @iandunt
David Davies is currently making one of the stupidest speeches I've seen in the Commons for some time.

He just talked about Super Gonorrhoea, which I think might be his proposed trade model.

John Crace @ johnjcrace
He was also wittering on about Viagra. Presumably because he wants a hard Brexit

Also about the other David Davies

John Crace @ johnjcrace
Tory David TC Davies says people aren't going to die due to a lack of food after Brexit because the orchards in his Monmouthshire constituency have loads of apples. Seriously.

I'm glad I've spent the afternoon sorting through vegetable recipes instead.

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prettybird · 14/02/2019 18:48

Cross-posted Lariana Grin- your post wasn't showing on my phone when I posted. Good to see the proof though - I was just trusting dh who had seen it.

TatianaLarina · 14/02/2019 18:48

Well I hope this story is exciting, the last announcement by May was shit.

SparklySneakers · 14/02/2019 18:49

Why are MPs allowed to abstain? Surely they have an obligation to ensure the best interest of their constituents rather than presenting their own necks?

Jericho1 · 14/02/2019 18:49

Is revoke dead
Ken Clarke called for it, so probably.

TalkinPeece · 14/02/2019 18:49

Slightly later in the day than planned (M27 was horrible)
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/eu_referendum_2016_/3508204-The-Twelve-Days-of-Brexit-trad

Littlespaces · 14/02/2019 18:51

That thread is comedy gold! Some of the comments about the possible 8pm announcement....

May has been sectioned.

Chris Grayling has given the border contract to Donald Trump?

We’ve run out of blue passport ink...

27 EU countries to become part of UK?

Britain will be at war? With Malawi? With pvt pike you never know

Rees Mogg has turned up in a Slazenger Track Suit....?

No, our foetus Defence Minister is personally going to declare himself in a state of actual war with Russia...

Chris Grayling has managed to get beyond page 4 of The Very Hungry Caterpillar?

RedToothBrush · 14/02/2019 18:52

Labour Left @ labourleft
Hearing rumours this eve that Chuka Umunna may resign the Labour Party Whip in a matter of hours.

A man who said he opppsed a 2nd Referendum & opposed Freedom of Movement, now says he is quitting because he wants a 2nd Referendum. For him it has only ever been about hating JC.

That'll be 8pm then...

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Camomila · 14/02/2019 18:53

In lieu of a Valentines day present DH has been whatsapping me updates from BBC parliament today as I can't get it. I should have asked him to post me malteasers or digestives instead.

What are you stress eating Chevvy? I'm full of cheese

RedToothBrush · 14/02/2019 18:54

Sky news politics @skynewspolitics
"The job of leaders is to keep the party together" - Labour MP @ChukaUmunna, talks about whether he would leave the party to join a breakaway group.

Follow the latest on #Brexit here:
t.co/tLYE8YYdiI

From 25 mins ago...

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DarlingNikita · 14/02/2019 18:55

Thanks Red. I've been on jury service for a fortnight so have missed, I assume, about thirty threads Grin and most of the news, due to being unable to absorb any information on top of the stuff in court.

BigChocFrenzy · 14/02/2019 18:55

According to Steven Swinford (Torygraph Deputypolitical editor) this is why the govt was defeated:

The ERG said they would abstain unless May made the Malthouse Compromise official govt policy.
May refused .

which is interesting, as she normally gives in


RedToothBrush · 14/02/2019 18:56

Kevin Schofield generally has much better tip offs regarding Labour than the Tories.

His tweet would make sense if he was referring to Labour giving the Cons a run for their money in the civil war stakes.

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RedToothBrush · 14/02/2019 18:58
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BigChocFrenzy · 14/02/2019 18:58

Steven Swinford@Steven_Swinford

Breaking down tonight's figures, it looks like 66 Tory MPs abstained.

Around 50 look to be members of the ERG, while there were 12 Remainers.

As Jacob Rees-Mogg said, it's a 'rum coalition'...

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