My in laws asked me to not speak my native language

[Kate8889]

We were all sitting together and my mom said something to me in our native language that wasn't complimentary of my in laws (she didn't like that they called her grandma, she has repeatedly asked to not be called that).

The next day my in laws in strong terms asked that I not speak in my native tongue when around them. I am devastated. It is my identity and how I communicate with my mom. It's one of the few things that feel like they are truly mine right now

Yup. My mum tried to raise us bilingual but had to use English so much that it didn't work, always been sad about that and its been very difficult to learn as an adult.

Because you can tell from the non-verbal language if they are bad-mouthing someone or something.
What amazes me is how in Teams meetings a group of people in an office in a different continent can switch from their language to English just because I'm on the call.

They're so good at it too. Perfect grammar and good vocabulary, and the accent is cute.
They never do that pointing and speaking slowly and increasingly loudly that the pesky foreigners do.

I did not miss that. If the OP feels her in laws are in her house too much, that is a separate issue to tackle, and she should tackle it (whether because she wants to spend more time speaking to her children in her native language or otherwise).

I see that you are also now inventing oppression by slyly suggesting, apropos nothing, that maybe her in-laws don't simply find being talked about in another language in front of their faces bloody rude, but may instead simply be racists (having no earthly reason to think they're not all the same ethnicity).

What a way to trivialise a serious social issue in order to try to score a point and avoid acknowledging the poor behaviour of the OP and her mother.

I wonder if the OP has actually started teaching her children her own language at all yet - it sounds like she is yet to teach them for some reason but I stand to be corrected.

(having no earthly reason to think they're not all the same ethnicity)
Why assume they are of the same ethnicity?
Race and ethnicity in the United States - Wikipedia

I think the OP said the language was Russian, which comes with its own set of assumptions and complexities.

Exactly, that's what the problem is.
Not speaking your own language around others who don't speak it - where I used to work there were lots of different languages spoken and I was some days the one in the minority being the only English speaker around!
Never a problem, I used to like hearing all the different languages. If someone switched and I knew they were slagging me off though as I wouldn't understand it, that would be different.
Rude.

See, that's not rude though - they're just speaking their language. Why shouldn't they?
Why should people struggle along in a foreign language to each other just to make me feel more comfortable?
If they're talking to me they'd switch to English.
That's OK.
(Just not OK if they were clearly discussing me in their language - which would be obvious in body language and looks I would have thought)

The OP hasn't said what the language is, someone else suggested it might be Russian. The OP has been fairly obtuse about a number of things - we don't know what the language is, we don't know if she has already started speaking it with her children (if she hasn't, then why not? Did it only become important when her ILs asked her not to use it to slag them off?!), we don't know whether her in laws have actually at any point asked her not to teach it to her children... The full story might not suit her 'poor me' narrative so she has declined to share it.

I am bilingual and I think this was rude of your mum. She should have had a word with you afterwards.
The only time I have talked my language in front of my ILs is when my DC were very little and spoke to me in that language first.
Being bilingual is great and I respect anyone’s right to speak a language I don’t understand, but it is rude to have a prolonged conversation or obvious “in jokes” that everyone can’t understand.

Also I have managed to bring up two bilingual children without ever being rude to my ILs
Bilingual children differentiate between two languages very early on, before they can actually talk themselves, they won’t get confused

Well then a compromise should be made. OP and her mum don’t speak about anyone else in their own language, if they have something to say it should be said in a language everyone can understand. People aren’t disagreeing with Op because she is foreign it is because they are talking about people in a language they can’t understand

She didn't.

If the mother's language is completely different to the country's language, then raising bilingual children is harder.
It's not like the difference between English and German/French/Italian etc, and it's not just the alphabet difference.

But equally if a child is old enough to refuse to speak a different language other than English shouldn’t that be for them to decide? I completely understand why OP wants her children to learn her native language but given where they live it’s more important they understand English

au temps pour moi

I agree

Why do your in laws come to your home everyday?

The correct response would be to listen to your mum politely while she explains her distress and then relay that to your ILs.

Eg Mums just explaining how very upset she is that you keep calling her Grandma. Could you stop doing that it’s making things very difficult for me?

Explain that your children will be bilingual and speaking your home language with you but English at school and with them.

An ex school friend of mine used to speak to her Mum in her Mum's native language in front of others and in my opinion it's just so rude. Totally different if her mother couldn't speak English, but she could. Ex friend would happily admit that she would do this so that they could say negative things about others right in front of them. Nasty!

The in law's are also speaking "another language ". English isn't superior to other languages

I'm sure they do. They're at English speaking day care most of the day and then spend 30 min in the evenings plus a few hours on Sundays with their English speaking grand parents.

Three. I don't think it's 'uncalled for' to expect someone to try to learn the language that a family member speaks. I stand by the fact that it is rude and entitled to expect people to speak English in their own home in a country which is not English speaking. It's giving Brits in Spain demanding full English breakfasts and Sunday roasts. Just a bit insular and ignorant and if I'd been your DIL, I wouldn't have bothered to speak English either.

Surely it was your son's job to teach his children his own native language!

I have bilingual children, it is a lot of work.

Yes, I don't know why @Dahliasrule is blaming her DIL for this situation!

Just like we don't leave the choice of brushing teeth or going to school up to children, bilingual families shouldn't leave the choice of learning languages up to the children - children generally like seek the easier route and don't think long term so, like me as a child when I could have moved up to the harder class in Saturday School and really tried to learn but chose not to, if they get the choice to take the easy way out they will, and regret it later in life. Her children will have no problem learning English when its the majority language, the effort needs to go into keeping the minority language going.