Awful incident

[FirmLilacBee]

Hello, TIA for reading

something just happened in my street which I feel dreadful about and I would appreciate other people’s POV please?

Funeral cars 2 doors up from me. Elderly man who’d lived here all his married life leaving behind his elderly wife, son and daughter etc I saw the funeral cars go up and thought I’d like to wait on my drive and pay my respects. One hearse and one other car were parked outside the man’s house, obviously the coffin and flowers were there and this was his final journey from his home.

An extra large delivery van pulled up and couldnt get past. This was outside my house, I approached the male driver at the passenger door and said hiya this was the man’s home he’s having his final journey, you can park on the drive next door here it’s empty no one lives there. He replied I’ve got a delivery to do, I replied honestly just park here it’s ok. He had just driven up the curb not parked, this would have at least allowed the funeral cars past. He had the noisiest diesel engine. As I saw the man’s widow and her daughter approaching the cars I approached the delivery man again and said do you want to turn you engine off a because theyre just having a moment. He replied I can do yes. I walked away but as I did I said no need to be arsey is just about respect. At that he turned his engine on again and shouted to me to fuck off about twice. Reversing and driving away saying there was no need for me to speak to him like that. He sped off. All this just as family getting into the cars. I felt so ashamed that I’d caused this. On reflection I understand that my value base was so different to the delivery drivers and that what had meant a lot to me meant nothing to him and I just shouldn’t have got involved.

I‘m wondering whether I should apologise to the family ?

But it's not her place to get involved.

You didn't do a terrible thing, you meant well but I don't think that actually there was anything that you needed to do at all. There was always the risk of antagonising him by putting yourself out there and instructing him on what you thought he ought to do and that does indeed seem to be what happened.

It would all have sorted itself out in the end even if you had done nothing. I would not have done anything.

Give it no more headspace and stop fretting.

When my mum died last year I was amazed and humbled by the respect shown to her cortège by other drivers, vans, etc. however, I also noticed how calm and professional the funeral drivers were. They wouldn’t have let anyone in to split us up, they were superb at keeping close together. Without being harsh, they would have dealt with this situation - they would have been in control and would have subtly spoken to the van driver had it been necessary, without any stress to the family.

@FirmLilacBee You are very good at admitting you may have been wrong here, and that takes insight and courage.

Not many do that, especially not on Mumsnet.
I doubt the bereaved family even noticed, chalk it up to experience-

I have said things in the past that have made me absolutely cringe, years later, remembering 😆 but just hope that the people I made them to {with good intentions} have long forgotten.

Your parting comment was unnecessary (which you know and accept, which goes to show how brilliant a person you are), but his reaction was completely out of order!! Turning off his engine was bare minimum of respect and that’s all he was willing to do, wouldn’t even pull in on an empty drive to give way to the family & funeral procession? I agree that it (surprisingly) does seem to be person dependent on how they view what’s right to do/what’s not, but I think any good person would have done what you did, and any decent person would have not gotten in the way and simply waited to make their delivery. It’s a delivery a few mins later than intended, meanwhile someone has literally died. Talk about not getting the hint to stop for a minute and take stock of life

It’s lovely you feel sorry for the family, but it’s absolutely not your fault this happened. You did what you felt was right, made a simple mistake in not just walking away (look, we all say things at times we realize later we shouldn’t have!!) but it was entirely the delivery driver who took the situation and made it into an issue. The family wouldn’t have known a thing about it all had he not yelled and drove off in a huff

I can see how something like this can have happened just with a little comment you obviously now regret. I am feeling bad that this thread has been quite harsh to you. Please don’t dwell on this forever and over think it. You tried to help us all and it backfired but it is not a major incident.

You did nothing wrong !
People in customer facing roles should know the etiquette in situations like this . If he was rude and inconsiderate in the presence of a funeral party then he deserved to be told.
He was even more inconsiderate then using foul language in front of the bereaved family .

Even if they noticed , no one will be looking to blame you for his disrespect . Shame you can’t report him

If he had any decency he'd park unobtrusively (as you suggested) and turn off his engine. The fact that he told you to f off suggests he hasn't.
He might be on a tight deadline but a few minutes wouldn't hurt.

Yes, it could.

Same. You called him arsey, but unless I missed something in your description, he did exactly what you asked with no issue?

The man behaved like an utter cunt. No one’s got any respect anymore. It makes me so angry and sad that this country is in such a sorry state. I’d contact his company for certain

I've read most of the thread but I still don't understand something.

He replied I can do yes. I walked away but as I did I said no need to be arsey is just about respect.

How was he arsey??

You didn't cause it. You were trying to do what you thought was right. The delivery driver is responsible for his own actions x

Totally understandable it just came out, we're all human, especially in such circumstances. The speed at which he told you eff off and sped off shows he's quick to be ride and not worry about offending anyone. Xx

You did nothing wrong!

Yes! I grew up thinking that when you see a funeral cortege that you are supposed to pay your respects whether you knew the person or not. I always thought that was why coffins are driven to the cemetery so that a community gets the chance to do that.