Awful incident

[FirmLilacBee]

Hello, TIA for reading

something just happened in my street which I feel dreadful about and I would appreciate other people’s POV please?

Funeral cars 2 doors up from me. Elderly man who’d lived here all his married life leaving behind his elderly wife, son and daughter etc I saw the funeral cars go up and thought I’d like to wait on my drive and pay my respects. One hearse and one other car were parked outside the man’s house, obviously the coffin and flowers were there and this was his final journey from his home.

An extra large delivery van pulled up and couldnt get past. This was outside my house, I approached the male driver at the passenger door and said hiya this was the man’s home he’s having his final journey, you can park on the drive next door here it’s empty no one lives there. He replied I’ve got a delivery to do, I replied honestly just park here it’s ok. He had just driven up the curb not parked, this would have at least allowed the funeral cars past. He had the noisiest diesel engine. As I saw the man’s widow and her daughter approaching the cars I approached the delivery man again and said do you want to turn you engine off a because theyre just having a moment. He replied I can do yes. I walked away but as I did I said no need to be arsey is just about respect. At that he turned his engine on again and shouted to me to fuck off about twice. Reversing and driving away saying there was no need for me to speak to him like that. He sped off. All this just as family getting into the cars. I felt so ashamed that I’d caused this. On reflection I understand that my value base was so different to the delivery drivers and that what had meant a lot to me meant nothing to him and I just shouldn’t have got involved.

I‘m wondering whether I should apologise to the family ?

I'm baffled at the posters suggesting that this driver should be reported; he did nothing wrong.

Surely shouting "Fuck off" twice at someone is "wrong"? Not illegal, not the end of the world, but definitely wrong. I'm not a pearl clutcher, but basic manners indicate that this isn't appropriate, surely? If I swore at someone in the course of doing my job, my employers would take an extremely dim view of the situation. But maybe I have extra strict employers?

I think an "awful" incident would have been the van driver running one of the funeral party over. This is a minor incident.

You were acting with the absolute purest of intentions and good on you. I guess the passive aggressive comment could have been done away with - but I can see myself doing exactly the same thing. You were just trying to help and to be honest he sounds like an uncaring knob. Be kind to yourself and ignore the nasty comments on here. You were doing a good thing.

How loud was your remark to the driver? Was it said under your breath or did you shout it obnoxiously so the whole street could hear? I have a feeling it was the latter, hence your embarrassment and wish to apologise to the neighbours.

Take the incident as a lesson to mind your own business and not talk for others who never asked you to insert yourself in their already awful situation. Keep your neb out.

Basic manners would have prevented the OP from muttering about 'respect' after the driver agreed to do as she had asked.

It's quite possible the driver didn't see the hearse when he drove into the street. The OP's suggestion to use a spare drive was helpful; nothing else she said, was.

There are some people who cannot stop themselves from meddling in situations that are none of their business. Those people then get the backlash. I totally understand why OP is feeling awful, she was rude - and then got rude in return. In a few days it will feel less raw.

Had you made the departing comment to me about being arsey, after I switched my engine off I'd have told you to fuck off too. It was totally needless on your part.

He should have just turned his engine off rather than idling without having to be told.

I was responding to your comment about the driver doing nothing wrong. He did do something wrong. That doesn't mean that the OP was completely correct - by her own admission she made a mistake in her final comment to him.

And fair enough he doesn’t like the OPs comment and tells her to fuck of but turning the engine back on is super childish.

No good deed goes unpunished. It was probably a bit unnecessary to make the comment, but I think you are over-thinking it, and this thread isn't helping. You must know that on MN a man can never be challenged, esp if he's in some sort of trade.

He replied I can do yes. I walked away but as I did I said no need to be arsey is just about respect. At that he turned his engine on again and shouted to me to fuck off about twice. Reversing and driving away saying there was no need for me to speak to him like that. He sped off

There was no need for your comment about being arsey and respect. He said he was going to switch the engine off. That should have been the end of it - no need for your rude comment.
Delivery driving is a very stressful job, constantly having to navigate roads where cars are parked, traffic jams, slow-moving vehicles and so on and so forth. He will be under time pressure and so on and so forth.
However, that said, he shouldn't have sworn at you and I'm not excusing his behaviour.

So true.

Six of one and half dozen of the other then if you like?

OP caused this. All of it. She clearly didn't mean to but absolutely determined to insert herself into the situation and tell the driver what to do. All of it unnecessary and disrespectful to the grieving family.

OP, respectfully, it wasn't your place to intervene.

I doubt the widow would have even noticed until you drew attention to it.

Not sure what you’re expecting here OP? Your need to get the last word caused an unpleasant scene in front of a family who didn’t need it. No, you shouldn’t go and apologise and wring your hands telling them how awful you feel. What on earth. I’m sure this is some kind of narcissistic trait going on.

If you’d kept out of it, he would have dropped the parcel and been away in the van before they were all finished getting in the cars. You held him up by going over to talk, making him move the van, calling him back to turn the engine off. Then, once he’d done it you made a snide comment. He was just doing his job while some busy body ordered him about. Keep out of things that don’t concern you. He would have been out the way anyway.

He didn’t turn it back on to leave it running and make noise out of spite. He got fed up of being harassed, turned the engine on and immediately drive away, without delivering the package. He turned it on because he was leaving because she was being snarky and sticking her nose in where it didn’t belong. If she had stayed out of it, he’d have dropped the parcel and been in the van driving away before they family had finished getting into the funeral cars.

As my MIL was leaving the house for her final journey a neighbour had a car arrive a couple of houses away and toot their horn several times whilst idling the engine to wait for the other person. They could clearly see what was going on re the coffin being put into the hearse, so disrespectful.
My dh was about to blow so I went over and politely asked them to keep the noise down. They looked stunned at my suggestion…
Guess who were two of the mourners when we arrived at the crematorium?! 🤦‍♀️ Awkward!!!
I get you op, emotions are heightened at times like this. You were frustrated with him and your comment probably didn’t help. But his reaction was OTT and inappropriate. He was representing his company and should not be swearing at anyone.

Oh me too OP I am a fixer. You did your best.

This reminds me the thread made by the woman who thought an older man will kill her while he was parking next to her, so she followed him into the doctors surgery and abused him verbally , so he got angry and shoved her , or what was it, forgot

“He would have grown up in England I imagine”

The family may not even have noticed. You apologising to make yourself feel better is centering you when they are grieving. Its not about you.

You treated him as if he was stupid! Then you made an arsey comment! I'm sure he could see just as well as you that there was a hearse in the road.

I think OP was being sensitive in asking the delivery driver to switch off his engine. And as for paying her respects, I think this is a lovely thing to do. In rural communities people used to stop walking and now their heads if a hearse passed.
OK the snide comment was less than perfect, but presumably OP wouldn't have made it had the driver switched off his very noisy engine sooner. He was obviously not a nice character to switch it on again.
OP you don't need to apologise to anyone!