Awful incident

[FirmLilacBee]

Hello, TIA for reading

something just happened in my street which I feel dreadful about and I would appreciate other people’s POV please?

Funeral cars 2 doors up from me. Elderly man who’d lived here all his married life leaving behind his elderly wife, son and daughter etc I saw the funeral cars go up and thought I’d like to wait on my drive and pay my respects. One hearse and one other car were parked outside the man’s house, obviously the coffin and flowers were there and this was his final journey from his home.

An extra large delivery van pulled up and couldnt get past. This was outside my house, I approached the male driver at the passenger door and said hiya this was the man’s home he’s having his final journey, you can park on the drive next door here it’s empty no one lives there. He replied I’ve got a delivery to do, I replied honestly just park here it’s ok. He had just driven up the curb not parked, this would have at least allowed the funeral cars past. He had the noisiest diesel engine. As I saw the man’s widow and her daughter approaching the cars I approached the delivery man again and said do you want to turn you engine off a because theyre just having a moment. He replied I can do yes. I walked away but as I did I said no need to be arsey is just about respect. At that he turned his engine on again and shouted to me to fuck off about twice. Reversing and driving away saying there was no need for me to speak to him like that. He sped off. All this just as family getting into the cars. I felt so ashamed that I’d caused this. On reflection I understand that my value base was so different to the delivery drivers and that what had meant a lot to me meant nothing to him and I just shouldn’t have got involved.

I‘m wondering whether I should apologise to the family ?

What an arse! Report him, don't feel bad you were trying to help and show respect unlike that twat

She knows that! I can't see anywhere where she tries to suggest otherwise. Haven't you ever done anything you regret? I know I certainly have and the one thing that's true is that you can't take it back. Her question is more about apologising, not if her comment was justified or the right thing to do.

I don’t understand why you said “No need to be arsey” to him when he had done what you requested twice ?

Why be passive aggressive ?

I don't understand why you feel the need to give the OP an arse kicking when she already feels bad enough.

@FirmLilacBee you accused a poster of making you want to kill yourself ffs.

You're making this about you, just move on.

It felt terrible being shouted at to F off twice

Tbh we’re only hearing one side here and just from the op’s couple of posts she’s coming across as dramatic, confrontational and stuck up tbh. Not everything has to be a confrontation. I can very much imagine that the drivers response was very much due to the way the op approached him.

Look, I get that you're clearly feeling very uncomfortable with the situation, and realising that your intervention in a sense created the problem, but I think you just need to sit with the discomfort. It will pass. You didn't do anything 'awful', you were just a bit tactless and passive-aggressive. Bereaved people are perfectly well aware that deliveries are still being made even on the day they bury/cremate a family member. It didn't need intervention.

But it's done, and I don't think you should be giving it too much headspace or tormenting yourself over it.

I imagine he only swore because he had a random person telling him how to do his job & how to behave when it wasn't needed he sounded like he was stressed.

If you mention it to the family op, no need to mention it was your final comment that inflamed him. Just say you had approached him to ask him to adjust his delivery routine because of the hearse and “ it ended in him getting very cross.” That’s still true and de-escalates it between you and the family. They don’t need every detail.

Honestly their loved one just died, I don't think the neighbour arguing with a delivery driver is the height of their concerns right now.

How many other neighbours stood on their drives to pay their respects? To be honest you sound like someone who inserts themselves into situations that have nothing to do with them under the guise of being respectful and helpful.

if you didn’t know the neighbour well enough to go to the funeral then there was no need to stand on the drive. If I were the widow and children I would have found this very intrusive.

'The zealot is often more concerned with his own voice than the cause he is espousing'

I agree. Overly dramatic too.

Posted for opinions and when OP got one they didn’t like accused the poster of making people want to kill themselves !

i knew him quite well, the other neighbours had already made their way to the service I did’nt go because I’ve been in hospital I’ll with vertigo, there was a funeral last year and those that didn’t go waited together on the drives to pay their respects. Absolutely not looking for sympathy re the hospital comment

You only ever hear one side of the story on MN. We can all second guess an alternative perspective but it is literally just guessing. None of us were there. Why not accept OP's version of events to be relatively accurate for the purposes of this thread? She hasn't painted herself to be some perfect person. She acknowledges her comment triggered his response hence the pile on in this thread.

I think OP comes across as sensitive and super eager to do the right thing and for others to do the same. That could be interpreted how you suggest but as we don't know her then I think it's hard to make the judgement based on a few posts.

I think you got involved in something that was a non-issue, I doubt the grieving family even noticed the delivery van considering they had other things on their minds. The hearse / delivery driver would have worked it out themselves.

The driver fulfilled your request, then you were rude to him. Absolutely ridiculous and you’re looking for blame him? look in the mirror.

way to make an upset guilty feeling person feel like absolutely killing themselves

For future reference, do not do this. Talking about killing yourself when someone says something you don't like is abusive. If you do this in real life, it's very serious. It's also triggering to people who have had suicide in their family.

Nice to try to encourage pro-social behaviours in others. Not OK to pass a remark as they leave. Really bad to reference suicide when you don't like what someone else says.

You can only see from my side here as I’m the person who posted. Please don’t make assumptions about me or my and my character. If my posts have been offensive or annoying to you don’t read them anymore.

Perhaps recognise why the driver spoke to you like that, because of your comment and you were giving him instructions which he had been obeying.
I would not bother the grieving family with petty nonsense like this. Move on.

Yes I think that was the trigger

Wow, way to make an upset guilty feeling person feel like absolutely killing themselves

If you're really are suicidal then you should seek help immediately.

If you're not then you should be ashamed. Many of us have lost loved ones to suicide. Dont go around threatening such a dreadful thing.

This sounds all a bit like you are fishing to be told how marvellous you are?

You really didn't need to get shitty with the man. He's probably on a tight time schedule and was maybe a bit frustrated, but he did as you asked him to without making a fuss. You must have come across as very officious and patronising for him to snap and behave like that. Anyway, it's done now. No point in inserting yourself further into a situation that doesn't concern you by approaching his family about it. Just butt out now.