Awful incident

[FirmLilacBee]

Hello, TIA for reading

something just happened in my street which I feel dreadful about and I would appreciate other people’s POV please?

Funeral cars 2 doors up from me. Elderly man who’d lived here all his married life leaving behind his elderly wife, son and daughter etc I saw the funeral cars go up and thought I’d like to wait on my drive and pay my respects. One hearse and one other car were parked outside the man’s house, obviously the coffin and flowers were there and this was his final journey from his home.

An extra large delivery van pulled up and couldnt get past. This was outside my house, I approached the male driver at the passenger door and said hiya this was the man’s home he’s having his final journey, you can park on the drive next door here it’s empty no one lives there. He replied I’ve got a delivery to do, I replied honestly just park here it’s ok. He had just driven up the curb not parked, this would have at least allowed the funeral cars past. He had the noisiest diesel engine. As I saw the man’s widow and her daughter approaching the cars I approached the delivery man again and said do you want to turn you engine off a because theyre just having a moment. He replied I can do yes. I walked away but as I did I said no need to be arsey is just about respect. At that he turned his engine on again and shouted to me to fuck off about twice. Reversing and driving away saying there was no need for me to speak to him like that. He sped off. All this just as family getting into the cars. I felt so ashamed that I’d caused this. On reflection I understand that my value base was so different to the delivery drivers and that what had meant a lot to me meant nothing to him and I just shouldn’t have got involved.

I‘m wondering whether I should apologise to the family ?

OP I hope you are okay.

Just had the misfortune of reading this train wreck’s disgraceful thread and comments.

How Awful that you knew him well and were doing the right thing to keep things dignified and he’s abused you. I mean you made a snide mark under your breath, so what.

He had deliveries to do, there’s clearly something going on in the street with people standing out the front and a hearse. He should have come back 15 minutes later.

Maybe your little comment was less than ideal but who cares. It didn’t deserve a tirade of abuse back at you. You’re a mourner, you’re upset, and you were probably quite flustered and stressed trying to manage his babboon behaviour and insensitivity stopping near a hearse with a coffin being shifted into it. People really can be uncivilised at times like this and I feel your frustration.

Please give yourself a break OP. How upsetting, he wasn’t just your neighbour but your friend.

I would feel quite touched if a neighbour was clearly telling a lorry driver off on behalf of my family & my loved one & clearly trying to sort out parking/street logistics for us.

This man’s behaviour is entirely on him.

Yes that is what I was thinking and felt so embarrassed that I’d lowered the tone as do I didn’t know if I should try to apologise obviously not necessary/ok. Thanks for you reply and pov.

For all you know he could be feeling bad about how he behaved against you. You were trying to help the situation and it took a wrong turn. You sound like caring person, both reactions were a bit ott tho.

Just one of those things. In the end no real harm done, family most likely didn't even notice much if at all. Glad you've taken comments on board but also don't beat yourself up about it. These things happen! Time to put it behind you. Take care OP.

I think that is what I couldn’t understand - the respect for the funeral cortège. He would have grown up in England I imagine yes, and seemed to be in mid thirties. My son and daughter experienced their own fathers funeral last year and I know this would have probably hurt them a bit.
i would have been very ashamed of my sons behaviour I he did this outside a funeral cortège.

Thank you

Yes I agree

In the nicest possible way, I think you need to put your own importance into perspective here. OK, so you escalated this with your parting shot to him, but you didn't 'cause' his bad behaviour. That's on him. What decent person would take out their annoyance with someone by being deliberately loud around a funeral party? He is who he is and that's nothing to do with you. As for apologising to the family, that's more of the same, centering yourself at a time when they have far higher priorities than what a neighbour may have said to a delivery driver. You tried to do a good thing. It went a bit wrong because you poked the tiger when you should have quit when you were winning. That's all there is to it.

Oh thank you - I hadn’t thought of it like that was just feeling really bad

Of course - I was just my reaction at the time to want to say sorry but I understand totally inappropriate

He was doing what you asked ie turning off engine. There was no call for you to be rude.

OP- I am not sure that this thread can be helping you much at all. You seem to be feeling very upset and fragile and unfortunately this must only be making it worse. Please reach out to a trusted person in real life. Posters here don’t know you and are perhaps not best to judge/ advise you. With regards to the incident- I would just remember- there are no perfect actions only perfect intentions. It seems you were trying to help. Just remember that and be kind to yourself xx

I haven’t used this posting feature much before today - wasn’t sure what to expect but I had felt I needed to apologise for something and wondered what to do.
thanks for your time, and sharing experiences. Kind regards

I think that muttering something critical about this guy as you walked away was ill-advised because it was very likely to provoke him. Other than that you didn't do anything wrong and I shouldn't the family will want an apology - they have their grieving to do.

I can see your good intentions in trying to protect the family OP and in an ideal world he'd have switched off the engine and waited. Something to be mindful of though is that delivery drivers often have a very tight schedule and a small margin for delays. He could have been stressed out about running behind, afraid of a reprimand or losing a bonus (which I know sounds mercenary but they are not well paid and often do long hours). It would be nice if people did always behave with some respect when there's a cortège, but I'm not quite sure that modern life is always conducive to that, because of the pressures on people.

You're not unreasonable in wanting him to have shown courtesy, but I think it may not always be the right thing to do to challenge people when they don't conform exactly as you would, especially if no real harm was done. He did as you asked initially so it was a bit excessive to have a go about his attitude as well and I can understand why that didn't go down too well. It's often that kind of thing that escalates into a confrontation unnecessarily.

Hopefully it didn't inconvenience the family, and you are OK and can move on from it knowing you tried to help their day go a little better (even if it didn't go to plan).

We had a similar incident a year ago. A neighbour died and the hearse/mourners got caught in traffic on the way to the cemetery. A guy in a transit van tried to overtake the mourner's car and someone, who was following, shouted at him out the window "do you f-ing mind, this is a funeral." To be fair, the guy put his hand over his mouth in shock and apologized (I guess he thought people were just driving too slowly). It's modern Britain I'm afraid – too many people jammed into too small an area.

thank you, yes it’s been a bit tough but I set out to ask for something so thought I’d best see it through.
thank you for your kind words xx

Exactly this. Regardless of how the interaction with the van driver went, your intention was always good for the sake of the bereaved family so there's no need to apologise to them. Just put it behind you OP, no need to dwell on it.

Just take a deep breath. You haven't "done a terrible thing" and over-reacting isn't going to help. I mean even posting in Ethical Dilemmas is a bit OTT.

You were perhaps a bit sanctimonious, but it's not really a big deal. You can't rectify the situation now, so just try to forget about it.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong and everything right. If there is a lesson to be learned it's to be mindful of expressing your annoyances to men like this who are probably stressed in their job & having to stick to timescales etc. I would try to forget the whole incident & comfort yourself in the knowledge you paid your respects in the way you felt appropriate at the time. The family concerned will not have been in the presence of mind to give it a second thought.

These things happen. Deliveries happen multiple times a day but a funeral is less usual. The driver should have acted differently but maybe it's just a logistical issue. Nobody was trying to spoil the funeral or upset the bereaved.
It's certainly not necessary for you to apologise on behalf of a delivery driver who wasn't even for you. If you want to check in and warmly offer support with the bereaved family generally then I'm sure that would be seen as kind and helpful.

Let the grieving family have their sad day and a few more days. Then put a card through the door.
Take care of yourself, maybe this loss is tapping into your own losses.

The delivery guy could have been more tactful but he doesn't really owe a bunch of strangers anything. He was just doing his job in a public place which happened to also be occupied by a hearse. Delivery jobs are really tough. Some have 200 parcels to fulfil in one day whilst on minimum wage with barely any breaks. It's understandable he wasn't pleased about the delay.

And to be blunt, a funeral isn't the saddest or most shocking moment of a bereavement. Similar to a wedding, it's a planned ceremony that's socially important but everyone is aware that outside factors like weather, traffic or unforeseen circumstances could happen. It's not like he was honking at the scene of a traffic accident with a dead person lying on the road or forcing emergency services to hurry up.

OP don't let an arsehole like him get to you so much. He doesn't deserve a second of your thoughts.

I thought nothing could shock me with people's behaviour anymore but about a month ago I was driving behind a hearse on a dual carriageway and a work van sped past all the traffic, when he got behind the hearse he started beeping his horn until the hearse had to move to let him past. Never thought I'd see something like that happening but here we are.