Awful incident

[FirmLilacBee]

Hello, TIA for reading

something just happened in my street which I feel dreadful about and I would appreciate other people’s POV please?

Funeral cars 2 doors up from me. Elderly man who’d lived here all his married life leaving behind his elderly wife, son and daughter etc I saw the funeral cars go up and thought I’d like to wait on my drive and pay my respects. One hearse and one other car were parked outside the man’s house, obviously the coffin and flowers were there and this was his final journey from his home.

An extra large delivery van pulled up and couldnt get past. This was outside my house, I approached the male driver at the passenger door and said hiya this was the man’s home he’s having his final journey, you can park on the drive next door here it’s empty no one lives there. He replied I’ve got a delivery to do, I replied honestly just park here it’s ok. He had just driven up the curb not parked, this would have at least allowed the funeral cars past. He had the noisiest diesel engine. As I saw the man’s widow and her daughter approaching the cars I approached the delivery man again and said do you want to turn you engine off a because theyre just having a moment. He replied I can do yes. I walked away but as I did I said no need to be arsey is just about respect. At that he turned his engine on again and shouted to me to fuck off about twice. Reversing and driving away saying there was no need for me to speak to him like that. He sped off. All this just as family getting into the cars. I felt so ashamed that I’d caused this. On reflection I understand that my value base was so different to the delivery drivers and that what had meant a lot to me meant nothing to him and I just shouldn’t have got involved.

I‘m wondering whether I should apologise to the family ?

"He replied I can do yes. I walked away but as I did I said no need to be arsey is just about respect."
...and so he agreed to do this and then ironically you became arsey and accused him of being arsey?

I agree with this.
you had already made him aware of what was happening. If you had approached me and made a comment like that to me I too would have told you to fuck off.

Can't believe all the people that think a delivery driver was justified in shouting "Fuck off" at anyone in full view of a mourners. Regardless of whether the OP overstepped or not, that's gross behaviour.

It seems you’ve taken on board the sensible advice about the situation you’ve described, which is good.

However, I would urge you (as other posters have done) to reflect on the comment you made earlier in the thread making reference to harming yourself. This is a very alarming comment to make, and I’m not sure you realise that. Either you are serious, in which case it is our responsibility to encourage you to make contact with the Samaritans, or to reach out to a friend or family member. Or you did not mean it, in which case it is very cruel behaviour on your part. Please please don’t ever use threats of suicide to others just to create sympathy for yourself. Please don’t do it in real life and don’t do it on internet forums either.

Yep, I understand how that would have made him feel. I wish none of it had happened.

Please seek professional help OP. I see your comment has now been deleted but if a reply on here is making you feel like ending your life, seek help

so you didnt behave perfectly and neither did the delivery man. The neighbour’s family are probably very much focused on themselves and their feelings and memories. I doubt they noticed much what else was going on and if they did, probably least of their concerns.

I think you have an incorrect view of how important you and all the other bystanders are in this situation, Everyday tragedies don’t need everyone to join in.

Sorry @FirmLilacBee - there are those on Mumsnet who like to kick when someone is down. Please filter out those comments.

Any rational person, and anyone in your street would know you were aiming to do the right thing, and the delivery driver shouldn’t have been impatient and sworn at you.

He drove off, so maybe you saved a situation where he could have been swearing at your neighbours or being impatient around the hearse.

You were also feeling upset - so if someone is being inconsiderate, yes you can be completely forgiven for calling them out. Everyone has an arsey radar, and I have no doubt he was being arsey.

I do think as others have said that it would have been better to not have involved yourself, but hindsight is a wonderful thing and I'm sure you acted with the best of intentions.

What I think you should do now is put it out of your mind, it is done and over with. Having done that awful journey behind a hearse for both my parents, I can tell you I was so lost in thought and just concentrating on getting through the whole thing that I was barely aware of what as going on around me. So although you were very aware of things, in the big scheme of things that the family are going through it will have been a minor incident if they even registered it wa going on.

Please don't speak to the man's family. Their thoughts would have been as far away from the drama as they could have been and wouldn't have cared less about you or the driver.

Mentioning it just makes it about you

You were trying to do a good thing, you were trying to help. Please don't beat yourself up- it just went wrong. Whatever you said to him there was no need for him to react in that way.

For the future, read up on transactional analysis. It really is a total gamechanger in human interactions. It will help you understand why he reacted like he did, and why you reacted like you did.

It might even help to explain some of the vibe sticking the knife in comments uou have had here.

No, you’re lovely. Just had a family funeral a few weeks ago. I was very strong for my Mum and little boy but the moment when the coffin went into the funeral car is when we all just broke down crying. There are certain moments where you’re so fragile & my Mum was especially sensitive about things going smoothly & anxious about cars getting down her street. It might seem small to others but in that moment you’re so very fragile & at your weakest & vulnerable.

You wanted to honour your Neighbour & you also wanted to protect those closest to him at their most fragile. I think you are a great neighbour !

Thank you for your objective pov - I’m scared to agree to be honest and think your are brave for posting this.

Ah thank you that’s really helpful

Thank you, and I appreciate you sharing your own experience.

Exactly. I know in my family we would see the dark sarcastic humour in this.

All that happened was that you made a snarky comment and got told to fuck off for it. Just forget it and move on.

Thank you and for sharing your experience this has been useful. I don’t think my motivation today was about myself I was just trying to rescue as another poster suggested. Whether that’s about me at some other level is something for me to think about.

☺️

I walked away but as I did I said ''no need to be arsey, It is just about respect.''

This was the barb that made him angry.

He is probably appallingly paid, on a tight schedule, and may be oblivious as to the tradition of 'Driving past the house'.

Not excusing him in any way, but your last comment was the spur that triggered his behaviour.

As for the family, leave them be.

The old Boy {RIP} will probably be thinking ''when we first moved here, it was so quiet''

Our Dad's passing had the Funeral Director walk past the family home, She walked ahead, in top hat and crystal topped cane.

I wasn't aware of this tradition.

Luckily, no cars came around the bend.

I think you did a lovely thing. When my beloved Dad died last year the funeral cars were waiting outside the house. As we drove off we noticed the two posties had stopped on the pavement heads bowed to pay their respect to my Dad as we drove past. I will never forget that simple gesture of respect to him.

Aye...''The road to Hell is paved with good intentions''

Whoever wrote that was correct!.

Don't worry, OP..The family probably were in a blur anyway, and wouldn't;t really have noticed.

The Horse Drawn hearse incident where a police woman killed the horse , ruined a business and caused untold distress is another matter entirely.

Thank you for sharing your experience that is the gesture I was trying to make and it went pairshaped.