Awful incident

[FirmLilacBee]

Hello, TIA for reading

something just happened in my street which I feel dreadful about and I would appreciate other people’s POV please?

Funeral cars 2 doors up from me. Elderly man who’d lived here all his married life leaving behind his elderly wife, son and daughter etc I saw the funeral cars go up and thought I’d like to wait on my drive and pay my respects. One hearse and one other car were parked outside the man’s house, obviously the coffin and flowers were there and this was his final journey from his home.

An extra large delivery van pulled up and couldnt get past. This was outside my house, I approached the male driver at the passenger door and said hiya this was the man’s home he’s having his final journey, you can park on the drive next door here it’s empty no one lives there. He replied I’ve got a delivery to do, I replied honestly just park here it’s ok. He had just driven up the curb not parked, this would have at least allowed the funeral cars past. He had the noisiest diesel engine. As I saw the man’s widow and her daughter approaching the cars I approached the delivery man again and said do you want to turn you engine off a because theyre just having a moment. He replied I can do yes. I walked away but as I did I said no need to be arsey is just about respect. At that he turned his engine on again and shouted to me to fuck off about twice. Reversing and driving away saying there was no need for me to speak to him like that. He sped off. All this just as family getting into the cars. I felt so ashamed that I’d caused this. On reflection I understand that my value base was so different to the delivery drivers and that what had meant a lot to me meant nothing to him and I just shouldn’t have got involved.

I‘m wondering whether I should apologise to the family ?

This.

Ah OP, we don't always get it right, even when with good intentions.

I think you know the salty comment set the probably already in an arsey mood driver off. Neither of you are covered in glory and he may well regret his part too on reflection. I also guess the family will have more on their mind than to have been affected by it beyond the incident.

Put it behind you are next time hold back on the PA quips, or just stay back if it doesn't directly involve you. 😉

Don’t think about it any more. As others have said, when I was leaving for a close family members funeral a while ago, I was so consumed by my grief and holding it together that I couldn’t tell you if there had been a delivery driver causing a scene. I can’t even remember anything about the day in much detail. I’m sure that those in attendance aren’t thinking about this right now, don’t feel bad.

Your intentions were without doubt good OP. I did something a bit similar recently. Our next door neighbour died a few weeks ago and there were roadworks almost right outside the house at the time. The day before the funeral I had a word with the workmen and explained when the hearse would be coming through so could they pause their work for a bit. As it happens the funeral director had already contacted the council and they'd agreed for a late start, but they were nice and polite to me when I approached them and understood why I was concerned. I'm sure your intentions were much the same as mine.
However, I also know how tight delivery drivers' schedules are as one of my friends drives for a well known courier and I doubt his bosses would look kindly on him being late because he'd waited for a funeral cortege so I can see the driver's point of view too. As others have said, your last comment probably went a bit too far and was probably the straw that broke the camel's back as far as the driver was concerned. You probably shouldn't have made your last comment and he shouldn't have reacted as he did, but it happened, you can't change it and I wouldn't dwell on it too long.

And to be blunt, a funeral isn't the saddest or most shocking moment of a bereavement

What's that got to do with anything? It's the utter lack of respect that the driver had that's the issue.

You were also feeling upset - so if someone is being inconsiderate, yes you can be completely forgiven for calling them out.

I mostly agree with your sentiment in this post, but I completely disagree with the above sentence.. you can't be forgiven for purposely escalating a situation in front of a funeral procession, there's times when you need to be the bigger person and walk away (or not get involved in the first place if you can't handle it).

OP giving him that snotty comment at the end (or "calling him out on it"), was a completely unnecessary addition to the interaction, there's a time and a place to berate people for bad behaviour and in front of people mourning a loved one is certainly not it.

OP obviously had good intentions, but her wanting to have the last word and to tell him off for his actions was obviously more important to her in that moment then protecting her neighbours, which is what she very nobly set out to do.

I'd leave it now personally and would'nt approach your neighbours about it.

One thing I’m working on in my
life is not getting involved in stuff. The “Let Them” way of doing things.

He was going about his deliveries. He was working. He did actually do the things you asked, but then you went all Hyacinth on him.

You don’t even know the elderly man who lived up the road. If you did, you’d be going to his funeral. You were just standing in the street. It’s not your monkeys, not your circus, and do delivery man minding his own shouldn’t have been your concern.

I stand up to men, but I don’t go round telling them off because I don’t really want ti be told to fuck off.

It was an non event that you made more dramatic than it needed to be and you are still doing it here.
Sure as hell not an "awful incident"

You don't know her or her relationship with the deceased so your comment is harsh, unkind and unnecessary.

Honestly, you acted like a dick with that comment.

Just forget about it. Your intentions were good but you executed it poorly. As others have said you didn’t need to make the snotty comment, and you also have no right to suggest parking on a neighbours drive (regardless of whether it is occupied or not it’s private land - and you also maybe shouldn’t go around telling strangers about unoccupied houses). Just remember this for next time and consider whether getting involved is going to create more hassle than it’s worth. I do think the delivery driver is probably not feeling good about their outburst and swearing either.

She did know the deceased and didn't go to the funeral because she's recently out of hospital.

Did you read the thread before going in all guns blazing?

Don’t apologise to anyone. It’s best to leave it be, now. You were trying to do a kind and thoughtful thing, and clearly the delivery driver understood that because he turned off his engine, despite the fact he no doubt gets penalised by his employer for late deliveries. It is a shame you made a rude and patronising comment after you had achieved your aim, as there is something particularly aggravating about someone being deliberately patronising and assuming the worst of others, which is what you did to the delivery driver. This in absolutely no way excused him swearing at you, but he clearly wanted to make you feel as small as you made him feel.

Many roads are too congested now for additional parked traffic and it isn't something that the public should be trying to police. I'm baffled at the posters suggesting that this driver should be reported; he did nothing wrong.

You implied, OP, that he - the driver - didn't have respect. He did, he was about to do what you asked and you intervened, again, with your rude comment. I don't blame him for his actions. I'm not sure what your intentions were but whatever they were, they went by the wayside. Leave people alone in future.

You haven't done a terrible thing. You did a good thing.

However, I have found that apologising can neutralise a situation, so if you want to do that the next time you see him then do so. But don't grovel because you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

This! Literally nothing indicates he was being arsey at all, you honestly just come across as desperately needing to be the most respectful and like you were just trying to insert yourself, repeatedly, into a situation that had little to nothing to do with you.
That being said, he absolutely shouldn’t have started shouting and swearing, that was unreasonable.

Same. People on the short route to the church stopped and bowed as the car drove by. So simple, so beautiful.

OP your intention was good. Who knows what is going on in the driver's day or life. No your comment wasn't helpful and he was out of order. Take a deep breath, let it go as best you can, it will fade in these next days.

I can see you were trying to do a good neighbourly deed and he showed little
consideration . Playing devils advocate- delivery drivers are abused on an almost daily basis. My friend had to take a delivery job last year and not only do other motorists, customers and the general public think they can speak to him how they like, delivery drivers are also penalised and sanctioned for being behind with deliveries.

With all due respect OP, the deceased’s family probably gave no thought to the van driver. & most probably will not be giving him any thought hours later.

Try not to dwell on it. Funerals for immediate family are surreal and a bit of a blur. They will be feeling all sorts of emotions.

You obviously meant well, and hindsight is a wonderful thing. However, you can learn from this as to not make unnecessary comments whilst walking away. We’re all human. We all do and say things in the heat of the moment which we may later regret.

Don’t be hard on yourself.

Also! I agree with other posters that the family probably didn’t even register what was going on, in the moment. So I wouldn’t lose too much sleep over that!

I think if someone is having a funeral cortege then it's not unexpected that people will show their respect in some way.
My Mum was very shy and didn't know many people in the road she lived in. I was very touched to see a few neighbours stand on the side of the road; taking 10 minutes out of their day to mark her death.

You are entitled to feel how you feel of course but many many people would notice and appreciate this gesture when a loved one dies. It was very common in the area I grew up in and was something we were taught to do at school.

An elderly unmarried relative of mine died about 10 years ago and I vividly remember driving behind the hearse down her street on the way from church to graveyard and the whole street was lined with her neighbours saying one last farewell. It meant a lot to us (and she would have loved it to!)

Yes, I think that apologising to the family would make things worse as it will just bring it all back for them without achieving anything. You were trying to do the right thing but your snotty comment was unnecessary and caused a problem - something to reflect upon which I am sure you will do.

Also, yes being a rescuer is about you and your needs. Fellow rescuer here. Worth exploring. Start a new thread maybe, it's an interesting one.

The comment was unnecessary. The driver themselves had a job to do and had no idea that it was the time funeral cars were leaving precisely. You offering for him to park outside your house so they could park and asking nicely if he could kill the engine for a few seconds is a good thing to do politely but he's under no obligation to do so.