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Ethical dilemmas
Original poster

Reluctant to take in nephew

284 replies

Coffeefirst22 · 14/01/2024 19:03

DH and I have been together for 3 years and we have a newborn (4 months) we also have my children 9&7 from a previous relationship who live with us full time. We got together very quickly but we have a very strong relationship.

BIL and gf have recently split up and have a 2 year old (plus she has 2 older children) Gf has said she doesn’t want her kids anymore but BIL said he won’t cope with him and isn’t in a position to have him yet as he is currently sofa surfing and most recently moved in with his parents (my in laws) on their floor as they have 1 bed bungalow.

There is social services involvement due to neglect and a couple of other reasons and she has been told to improve. MIL has asked us to take the youngest in temporarily because we have stable jobs/relationship and I’m on maternity leave so I can care for him.

I’ve seen him once as a baby. DH thinks he has additional needs. We have no idea how to care for a child with trauma plus we have busy lives (even on mat leave).

Is this even legal to take in another persons child? What would happen if neither parent wants him back? We live over an hour away from them and neither drive so I doubt would visit. DH says we need to consider it as we are family but I just don’t believe that social care will remove him from his home (from what has been said secondhand to us) and even so I don’t believe we can offer him the attention he is going to need. We have our hands full.

I don’t know my in laws very well I haven’t spent much time with them but I think presumptuous to think we would just say yes.

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 14/01/2024 19:24

Exactly @WhatTheFuk always the nearest vagina

newtlover · 14/01/2024 19:24

don't do it

that's all

Bethebest · 14/01/2024 19:25

This little one needs specialist care that you are not in a position to offer as you are caring for your baby and older children. It would be very much kinder to say no than feel guilted into saying yes and not coping. I’m sorry you are in this position but it is not one of your making and as you say, you have no relationship with him so would be no less strangers at this stage than foster carers.

Starlightstarbright2 · 14/01/2024 19:27

Poor kid in this .

however this is not a situation created by you .

you do need to consider this damaged child - whose what appears to be additional needs could be as a result of neglect . This child will as you recognise will need a lot of care and support - not a decision to take lightly because you do have to also consider your own children too.

User69371527 · 14/01/2024 19:28

I think it would be a brave thing to say no, this would be too much for us.
Because the worst thing for the child would be to come to you; it break down, then need to go to foster care. If that’s going to happen then a foster care placement in the first place would be better especially as he doesn’t even know you so it arguably wouldn’t feel any different to foster care for him.

TygerPassant · 14/01/2024 19:29

Dacadactyl · 14/01/2024 19:24

There is no way on earth that I would let a child in either mine or DHs extended family go into foster care.

Despite the fact that he has a perfectly able parent and grandparents?

Kinship care being regarded as better than foster care is generally because the child is assumed to know the family members he would be placed with, but in this case he doesn’t. And he would be going into a household where there are three children, including a newborn baby.

His dad needs to talk to social services and sort himself out a place to live where he can look after his own child.

LIZS · 14/01/2024 19:29

Sounds like you have more than enough going on. A child separated from parents, perhaps with additional needs, really needs more individual attention than you can offer.

2or3whatsittobe · 14/01/2024 19:31

I can understand why your DH wants to consider it, assuming BIL is his brother? But he can’t expect you to be the one to look after him just because you’re on maternity leave.

I do understand your concerns. Personally I couldn’t leave a niece or nephew to go to foster care if I had a stable home I could provide to them but I do get it’s bad timing.

Could you ask DH to put together a proposal of how it work, find out more from social services, and then you can have a cards of the table conversation about it once you have the full facts.

2or3whatsittobe · 14/01/2024 19:32

Sorry I missed the fact to have three children, I thought it was just the baby. That’s definitely asking a lot of you to take on, DH would absolutely have to be the one shouldering the responsibility and care.

Coldupnorth7 · 14/01/2024 19:33

This happened in my family. Ended up not great. Caused an awful lot of issues for the other kids in the family.

If the child needs extra help, he's best looked after by specialist foster carers (if available).

Not a good situation but not your problem.

I think you've been unfairly given grief in this thread.

Gummybear23 · 14/01/2024 19:34

The choice is yours.

Poor child.
Social services will.provide support

Ultimately you need to decide with your husband.

Me.persoanlly, I would.say yes.

WonderingAboutThus · 14/01/2024 19:35

Pretty much all other options out there are awful. If you think staying in your family is not what's best for him, I think you're really (or willingly) naive.

I don't think it's fun for you, but I think sometimes one just has to step up. I would not enjoy it, but I can't see morally how you could not do it.

Poor kid.

WishesPromises · 14/01/2024 19:36

Obviously feel desperately sorry for the child.

I guess the choice is : can you make one life better or does it make everyone's life worse?

Greatest good for the greatest number, but I a two year old is very young and vulnerable.

BurntOutGirl · 14/01/2024 19:36

How kind of your husband to volunteer your time in this way and how exactly is he going to facilitate looking after this child?

It seems that you are the one who is going to be making the biggest sacrifice in terms of time, physically caring and the mental load of having a child with additional needs.

My own biological child has additional needs and the day to day slog and fight for help from the local authorities has pretty much broken me.

Would l do it for a child that isn't my own - absolutely not as my other child as been affected by the impact of having a sibling with extra needs.

JenniferBooth · 14/01/2024 19:36

Ooh i timed that well going by the post above it!! Like i said.............the nearest vagina

WannabeMathematician · 14/01/2024 19:37

It might be best for the 2 year old but is it best for your three children?

JussathoB · 14/01/2024 19:37

Such a difficult situation and the two year old seems to be the most vulnerable person involved.
Given that your bond with the child, its father and the grandparents is not particularly strong it does not seem right that you should be expected to take on this child’s care. As others have said, really the child’s father and grandparents would usually be expected to step up if, as seems here, the mother is stepping away or failing to care properly.
in addition you have your own children and in particular your young baby, who rightly need to take priority for you and your husband. You already have plenty of responsibilities.

Owl55 · 14/01/2024 19:39

I feel that this child will need a lot of support and you have to be fully committed to give that support , you do not seem ready for this . Why can’t the father make plans to care for his own child ? He’s just passing the buck and that’s maybe why the mother is unable to cope herself as he’s just irresponsible, social services will undoubtedly be involved with mum /dad and their children , I can understand your uncertainty when you have 3 children of your own to care for.

Nazzywish · 14/01/2024 19:40

That is such a tough one OP.
Why can't his dad live somewhere else so his grandparents can take him in and care for him? Surely that'd be the best route

Wildhorses2244 · 14/01/2024 19:41

Is there any way that your dh can go and stay near his parents for a few days and support bil to find housing, apply for benefits, sort out childcare etc.

If mum can’t look after the child I think that it would be lovely if you offered to start having him once a month to give bil a good break. And discuss with pil if they would support him with some childcare…

CaramelMac · 14/01/2024 19:41

Surely the most sensible situation would be for the child to move in with the grandparents and the BIL sofa surf until he can find somewhere to live with the child. I couldn’t have an adult child live with me and see a grandchild go into care or with relatives he doesn’t know.

Gummybear23 · 14/01/2024 19:41

I think.social.services will.need to be satisfied you can provide appropriate care and also if you have suitable.accommodation. I.e bedrooms etc.

Original poster
Coffeefirst22 · 14/01/2024 19:42

We haven’t had a chance to have a thorough conversation about it. I wrote the post whilst feeding the baby and we’re just getting the bigger kids into bed.
I’m not even sure how he would get time off work. There’s so much to consider.

OP posts:
EnfysPreseli · 14/01/2024 19:43

Kinship care can be much better for the child, but if you feel that you would not be able to care for him on a long term basis, and have concerns about whether you will be able to meet his needs even in the short term, it is better to be honest about it now.

It's understandable that his grandparents would want him to be cared for within the family, but it's not very fair for them to put pressure on you to step in, especially since the relationship with them seems quite distant. It doesn't sound like a situation where they would be very active grandparents, supporting you practically with raising their grandchild.

I think you need to have a direct conversation with your nephew's social worker to find out more about what is being considered. If the likelihood is that he will not be returned to his parents, it is better that they find a suitable stable placement for him, possibly with a view to adoption. That can still involve a relationship with his grandparents. Until you know more about his additional needs - which may or may not be something that is permanent - it's hard to anticipate. The key thing is that he needs security and stability. The grandparents aren't necessarily the best judges of how your nephew's needs will be best met.

I've worked in the children's sector and did adopt a child of a similar age who had experienced trauma. I love him dearly and he's doing amazingly well. But I won't pretend it wasn't tough or overwhelming at times, especially in the early years, and that meeting his needs didn't mean that we had a bit less time and energy for our other children. Don't feel bad if you feel this isn't for you, but have a direct conversation with the local authority social services first. They'll have a fuller picture and will be making any decisions, not your in-laws.