Reluctant to take in nephew

[Coffeefirst22]

DH and I have been together for 3 years and we have a newborn (4 months) we also have my children 9&7 from a previous relationship who live with us full time. We got together very quickly but we have a very strong relationship.

BIL and gf have recently split up and have a 2 year old (plus she has 2 older children) Gf has said she doesn’t want her kids anymore but BIL said he won’t cope with him and isn’t in a position to have him yet as he is currently sofa surfing and most recently moved in with his parents (my in laws) on their floor as they have 1 bed bungalow.

There is social services involvement due to neglect and a couple of other reasons and she has been told to improve. MIL has asked us to take the youngest in temporarily because we have stable jobs/relationship and I’m on maternity leave so I can care for him.

I’ve seen him once as a baby. DH thinks he has additional needs. We have no idea how to care for a child with trauma plus we have busy lives (even on mat leave).

Is this even legal to take in another persons child? What would happen if neither parent wants him back? We live over an hour away from them and neither drive so I doubt would visit. DH says we need to consider it as we are family but I just don’t believe that social care will remove him from his home (from what has been said secondhand to us) and even so I don’t believe we can offer him the attention he is going to need. We have our hands full.

I don’t know my in laws very well I haven’t spent much time with them but I think presumptuous to think we would just say yes.

I don't think you are the right family for this poor child. You don't know him and if you looked after him for a while and he went back to his own family, it's unlikely you'd see much of him again.

I don't agree with the posters who said her husband should ask his brother... Social Services should be asking him - they are trained in exactly this. They will want the child looked after by you for all sorts of reasons but that doesn't mean you have to go along with it.

He needs long-term foster care and possibly adoption - his father sounds useless and his mother's gone AWOL. That poor child. However, the OP has her own children and I think as she's on maternity leave her focus should be on them.

He does his share of childcare with me with me, he finishes work earlier than me so does the afternoon routine and I do the mornings (when we’re at work) so I know he will do his part but when I go back to work I don’t know what will happen? Our children go to a childminder full time.

If BIL was homeless with a child the council would house him in temp accommodation
MIL needs to kick him out

I think you need to had a long hard talk with DH and ask him how he sees this all panning out.

Social services won't move the poor lad without having a thorough examination of the place he's moving onto. That will give you a chance to ask questions and put your point of view across. It will also give you a name to call on the QT.

There again, why can't the grandparents step in instead of dobbing you in it? Send the guilt back and don't let anyone, including SS, serve you a hot slice of it.

At the risk of suggesting something even worse...

Could BIL and nephew move in for a bit? If you have room. That way he can look after his child, and whilst you may look after him occasionally, BIL can muck in with cooking, cleaning etc, and make himself of use, but the primary responsibility for his child remains him, albiet with support from you and your husband.

Only if you feel he'll actually step up though. You don't want to be looking after 5 children.

Sounds an awful situation to be in, if you don’t know him very well anyway then can’t see he would be worse off in the care of a good foster family trained to care for his needs with you and the rest of the family visiting as much as possible etc

We kinship cared for a time. Before this I would never have dreamt not to take on a family member’s child. It was a nightmare. The easy child we knew became extremely challenging, pushing our mental health and our relationship to their limits. Ultimately due to their behaviour we couldn’t keep them safe anymore and they had to go into foster care. Social services were absolutely awful.
Please think really carefully about whether you have the capacity to look after someone else’s child especially if they are troubled. It is a thankless task. We feel extreme guilt for how it ended.

I think you are right that this is an ethical dilemma. Imo families have a duty to support each other and not just leave it to ‘the authorities’. If it comes down to taking him or putting him in foster care, you should do everything in your power to take him. Having said that, it is your DHs nephew and he should be the one taking responsibility for this.

Feel so sad for this child. He should surely be with his dad and grandparents. I think it’s completely valid to put your own children first and decide not to take him in, if it’s not practical for your family. However, as for some of the naive responses about letting him go into foster care for “specialist” support, you clearly have never had to be involved with the system. It’s a horrible situation all round.

@Coffeefirst22 please ignore any posters who say “ there is no way I’d let a relative of mine go into care “. I can 100% guarantee that none of them have adopted a child with SN. Because anyone who has actually done so will tell you to think very VERY carefully.

Just like your MIL and your husband, it’s very easy to offer up someone else’s time / life / career as a sacrifice.

I think if you had a close relationship, it would be different but it's perfectly understandable to say no. BIL needs to step up and apply for housing. What about the Mum's family?

What about if DH left you to look after your two older children (his step children) alone and he looks after his DNephew. There's no reason a 2 year old in kinship care can't go to nursery; in fact you'll probably find it's fully funded by SS.

Honestly, this makes me so sad. The posters saying they wouldn't do it clearly know nothing about the system in this country and think there's a supply of lovely, fuzzy, middle class foster parents to look after these kids. There's not.

The foster carer I know is exactly that.

Is the ethical dilemma not in considering what's right for the child? And for the OPs other children? Is that one child's life worth more than theirs?

What's better:
An unsuitable placement with blood family who are strangers to him.
Vs
A suitable placement with strangers to him.

And for the OPs children
Continue as normal
Take in a damaged child with additional needs and watch their family implode? Because the child who none of them know has a blood tie?

And to all those saying it's OPs house or foster care - it's NOT. The child has a FATHER. And GRANDPARENTS who can't be fucking bothered. Why should OP even be on the list never mind at the top???

They must all be like that then. Leaving this thread because it's upsetting tbh

Surprised at how many people are saying they wouldn’t do this, even for a flood relative.
I would take him on a temporary basis and do my very best. An hour travel time to visit his parents in this scenario is nothing imo. I wouldn’t be able to feel good knowing he was in the social foster care system when it would have been possible for me to have offered him some respite from a terrible situation.
So sad for him that his parents are useless.

I wouldn't do it, a 2 year old is hard work, a traumatised 2 year old with special needs would be awful. Sad for the child but I bet you that 90% of the burden will be on you and not your DH

If you do it will be “private family agreement” and social services and any other service will turn their back on you! No advice to say whether you should or shouldn’t - I’ve been there and it’s f*cking hard work, and I had a relationship with the children I took in. I ended up with my nieces after my sister tried to take her own life. My feet didn’t touch the ground and I had no time to consider if it was right for me or my family, but we did it for 1 year. Thankfully they have all been reunited and my sister is doing okay- but I had no way of knowing that at the time.

Regarding payment from the government, I doubt you will get any support that way so don’t factor that in - you can do it but social services will do anything they can to make it so you can’t. We got child benefit but that was it and weren’t entitled to anything else as we don’t claim any other benefits for our children because of income. So basically you’d get what ever you are already entitled to if that makes sense.

I actually rang and asked for support etc from SS (one had asd) and their words were if you are saying you can’t mange we will have to put them in foster care!!! That was their option before supporting these poor kids whose mum was in a psychiatric hospital. Absolutely appalling - and forced me to say all was well and I could cope. I could - but it was hard and we deserved better. They came round and visited once! And that was only after I rang them and asked them to, then I got the sorry we can’t help your on own comment! The poor kids had just been through a massive trauma, disgusting!

Any way rambling now - my advice is think long and hard. I don’t regret my choices I’d do it again they are my family and I couldn’t have them in foster care. However, it was the hardest thing I ever did. It was better when mum was out the picture for the first 6months though and I managed to get them
into a good routine for the first time ever - but once visiting started it was hell and they couldn’t settle. Good luck op x

as a foster carer myself I find these type of threads depressing in the direction they take. There are lots of good carers out there you know but you wouldn't know it by the subtle digs on here.

Totally your decision, but I probably would. I work in MH and I’ve seen some of the horrendous repercussions of children who are bounced from care home to care home. Your decision of course, but, IME, I would take him.

Bil needs to go to the council 1st thing and ask for emergency accommodation for him and his kid.

It's ok to say no. It's going to be hard to say no as everyone else may be like oh go on, think of the kid. But it is OK to say no.

Completely fair if OP decided she cannot take this child in, however, some of the replies on this thread are awful, referring to a 2 year old as “damaged” goods. “A traumatised child with special needs would be awful”. Wow. None of this is his fault. 2 is still a baby and he’s just being written off.

4 months is considered newborn??! Small baby but not newborn

you have to do what works for you. If it’s not possible, it just can’t happen

That's very sad for the children. I would think that kinship care is only better when the family carers are well placed to do it. If you have doubts I think you should not do it. The child will be better with a foster carer who is committed to doing rather than through guilt or obligation. That isn't meant meanly, it's a huge thing to do and lots of people couldn't do it especially when they have their own kids to consider.