Reluctant to take in nephew

[Coffeefirst22]

DH and I have been together for 3 years and we have a newborn (4 months) we also have my children 9&7 from a previous relationship who live with us full time. We got together very quickly but we have a very strong relationship.

BIL and gf have recently split up and have a 2 year old (plus she has 2 older children) Gf has said she doesn’t want her kids anymore but BIL said he won’t cope with him and isn’t in a position to have him yet as he is currently sofa surfing and most recently moved in with his parents (my in laws) on their floor as they have 1 bed bungalow.

There is social services involvement due to neglect and a couple of other reasons and she has been told to improve. MIL has asked us to take the youngest in temporarily because we have stable jobs/relationship and I’m on maternity leave so I can care for him.

I’ve seen him once as a baby. DH thinks he has additional needs. We have no idea how to care for a child with trauma plus we have busy lives (even on mat leave).

Is this even legal to take in another persons child? What would happen if neither parent wants him back? We live over an hour away from them and neither drive so I doubt would visit. DH says we need to consider it as we are family but I just don’t believe that social care will remove him from his home (from what has been said secondhand to us) and even so I don’t believe we can offer him the attention he is going to need. We have our hands full.

I don’t know my in laws very well I haven’t spent much time with them but I think presumptuous to think we would just say yes.

The child's dad needs to step up. He won't cope with his OWN child plus his two parents to help him. But you're supposed to take on this child with additional needs plus your two older children plus a baby? By yourself.

Your children will suffer. You will suffer. Your marriage will suffer. And the 2 year old will also suffer.

You taking on this child will benefit nobody except your lazy brother in law

Wow, that is unbelievably harsh. OP is already caring for three children, one of which is four months old. Can't believe you've said that.

What is meant to happen when you go back to work?

It's not in the interests of your own children, including the baby, if all your time is taken up caring for another child with significant difficulties.

And it may not be in the best interests of this child, if actually you're not in a position to provide long-term care and you're stretched too thin to really meet this child's needs. A stable placement from the start with a carer who really has time and attention to give them and isn't split in all directions might be best.

You have enough on your plate already OP , In my opinion, without taking on a child who doesn't know you. Child's father and MIL should step up if they don't want the child taken out of the family

My parents took in two of their siblings children.
Now adults we see them.as siblings and love them.dearly.

I expect it was hard but they are to this day grateful my parents did what they did.
They are now adults with children of their own.

this is entirely your choice but personally I’d take the child in a heartbeat. But then I’m from a Mediterranean family and there’s just no way we wouldn’t look after/take in a baby of one our family members, even if it was just temporary until a longer term plan was put in place,

This ^^ Wouldn't be fair to anyone and your own children would suffer almost certainly. You may get put under pressure to say 'yes' - but honestly, I wouldn't do it

What an awful situation they've put you in when you should be enjoying your new baby. So sorry OP.

@Jennyjojo5 Me too Im half Italian. And child free by choice. And i wouldnt do it.

EXACTLY

Yes it’s legal, if you contact the Family Rights group they explain it all.

https://frg.org.uk/

You need some sort of legal framework to support you and the child.

However , as it’s your husband family and he is the one who wants to do it, I think needs to take leave from work , not you. You are already taking leave to care for your own child.

You suspect will have trouble getting SS to provide support / assessment if you only have him on a temporary basis.

I also think you need a long term plan, as it’s highly likely that his parents won’t visit him, they will lose touch and never take him back.

Will you keep him forever or ask SS to place him for adoption ? Id guess that you will be under a lot of family pressure to keep him. Because if he’s going to be placed for adoption, it’s better to do it now than in 9 months time, when he’s traumatised by yet another move.

Can you afford to permanently raise 4 children, one with potential SN? is your husband in a position to give up his job ( or at least go part time ) to raise his nephew?

Is your house big enough? Many traumatised children need their own bedrooms and can’t share.

What will be the effect on your own children of having a traumatised child , especially one with SN? Are you happy for all your family life for the next 20 years to potentially be focussed on your nephew ? Eg holidays, hobbies

How will you ensure that your younger child is safe? Social services usually insist that the fostered child is the youngest by at least 2 years.

I have to say that I’m bemused as to why your inlaws are not supporting their son to keep his child . That’s by far the best thing for the child - to stay with one of his parents. Social services will help him to get housing - as a homeless parent of a young child he would have high priority.

Many single mums end up having to stay with relatives in a one bed house (in an emergency ) and very few of them don’t want to keep their children with them. That makes he think that he doesn’t want his child either ☹️

It’s a very sad state of affairs. I can understand why his family are flailing around looking for any possible short term option, perhaps to avoid having to face the inevitable. but it needs to be about the child’s best interests, not the grandparents’ feelings.

What a martyr you are!

Just turned 30

You have only meet the 2yo once - it's not like you have a strong relationship with them.

You have three dc of your own. You hate a lot on your plate.

Even if BIL is sofa surfing, why can't he have the 2yo??

Don't feel guilty, whatever you choose. It's a big ask.

My friend took on her 3 great nephews and nieces. She loves them but they all have severe behavioural issues. And to be honest have ruined her life. Don't do it. Especially as you don't even know the child.

@JenniferBooth we are obvs different types of Mediterranean cos my side of the family would never ever let a baby go into foster care, simply would never happen. We would rally round each other to make sure the child could stay within the family.

Personally, I couldn't say no.

Your DH has taken on your two children and presumably loves and cares for them. He's asking you to do the same for his brother's child who he doesn't want to go into care.

I work in a SS-adjacent role; I would never ever willingly let a child go into foster care.

It is legal as it is kinship care. It doesnt sound like he will stay with his mother. Or his father.

if both his parents dont want him, and you don't take him in, he will be put in foster care. And since he isnt a baby, he will most likely stay there.

Your BIL needs to bloody step up and stop making excuses for not having his own child ffs.
As pp have said, dumping the whole sorry mess on your lap is absolutely ridiculous. If your DH is so keen then he’ll have to do all of the care which obviously won’t happen😡

This!!

I think it's wrong that you are even being asked, especially by your MIL. Why can't she step up to the plate? Why can't see take the child in and your BUL if that's what it takes?

You have a newborn and two other children? I'm sure your two older children are only getting used to their new sibling too. To add another child, with potential trauma and additional needs (even if not medically, definitely emotionally) may be very challenging and impact your children a lot too.

What are SILs family doing? What is BIL doing because it sounds like he could do a hell of a lot more too?

A stable fostering arrangement with a couple who have no other children and can give nephew the time and additional support, 1 on 1 time etc, he needs may well actually be more beneficial for him.

May the choice that is right for you and your children. Do not be forced or manipulated into something you aren't comfortable with.

The brother isnt stepping up. He is homeless ffs.

Neither does the child's own mother by the sounds of it.

Poor child.

yes we are not one big homogenous mass. But i saw growing up that caring for kids was STRONGLY seen as womens work in this culture Dont want to derail but some of the stuff i saw and heard growing up left its mark and contributed to my decision to be child free by choice.

The op never says she didn't empathise with the child and clearly does or else she would have said a straight no. But she's right to consider not, she doesn't know the child, her partner doesn't seem to know much about his own nephew either to know of he has additional needs, she's got 3 kids or her own, a newborn to look after, etc. I think you're being very bloody harsh with your shitty blanket statement . It's a big commitment especially to a child you don't know and don't want to fail. It's do easy for everyone to say straight up thru would but it's very different when then tine comes and every situation is different