Reluctant to take in nephew

[Coffeefirst22]

DH and I have been together for 3 years and we have a newborn (4 months) we also have my children 9&7 from a previous relationship who live with us full time. We got together very quickly but we have a very strong relationship.

BIL and gf have recently split up and have a 2 year old (plus she has 2 older children) Gf has said she doesn’t want her kids anymore but BIL said he won’t cope with him and isn’t in a position to have him yet as he is currently sofa surfing and most recently moved in with his parents (my in laws) on their floor as they have 1 bed bungalow.

There is social services involvement due to neglect and a couple of other reasons and she has been told to improve. MIL has asked us to take the youngest in temporarily because we have stable jobs/relationship and I’m on maternity leave so I can care for him.

I’ve seen him once as a baby. DH thinks he has additional needs. We have no idea how to care for a child with trauma plus we have busy lives (even on mat leave).

Is this even legal to take in another persons child? What would happen if neither parent wants him back? We live over an hour away from them and neither drive so I doubt would visit. DH says we need to consider it as we are family but I just don’t believe that social care will remove him from his home (from what has been said secondhand to us) and even so I don’t believe we can offer him the attention he is going to need. We have our hands full.

I don’t know my in laws very well I haven’t spent much time with them but I think presumptuous to think we would just say yes.

You no more have a duty to do this than anyone else on this thread does.

I would say no, and I wouldn’t even entertain further conversation about it.

I agree with PP’s that your BIL needs to sort this situation out, he’s a functional adult and he needs to look after his child. Your maternity leave will presumably end in a few months and then what will happen? Who’ll look after him, will you be expected to arrange nursery for him?

To me, it makes more sense for the toddler to live with his father/grandparents whom he knows well, they can perhaps enroll him in a local nursery if his father works, and his father can work on sorting out more appropriate accommodation. You live an hour away, it’s too far.

OP I am currently a kinship carer for my nephew and can only say don't do it if you're not 100% certain. Other people can have their opinions on what you should or shouldn't do but only you know what's best for your family. It is a lot, even with full social work backing. When I took my nephew in it was meant to be temporary but he will never be reunited. One piece of advice I would give is if you are on Facebook maybe see if you can join a local kinship group. That will give you a better idea of it all, the good, the bad and the ugly.

I think you need to both talk to the sw first off. Understand exactly the situation and what the needs may be. He's really young which is both good and bad. There's less likely to be the sorts of massive issues that PP highlighted in the other thread. But there are likely to be communication and behaviour challenges and of course that's true of any 2 year old.
I'd struggle to let a nephew go to the care of random Foster parents but then again if he had complex needs I don't think I could cope.

Difficult all round

Very difficult situation for you. If you aren't sure then don't do it. The poor child has been through enough without being unwanted in a busy home with carers who don't have time for him. I don't think it's unreasonable to say no if you don't think you can provide what he needs

It’s a huge decision to make and I’m sure those telling you to take him in have never had to make that decision.

You need to consider lots of things…

How will it affect your other dc?
Could you cope with another child, specifically one with additional needs and possible trauma?
Whats best for the child?
How it will affect your relationship?
Are you willing to look after this child for the next 16+ years if the parents decide they don’t want him back?

Looking after a child who is possibly going to have a lot of issue isn’t going to be easy, as someone who has dc with SEN’s I can tell you it’s exhausting and it will effect your other dc.

SS will look at ‘who in the family could possibly take the child’ but they would prefer it to be someone who already knows the child well, if that’s not possible they will look at wider family. Finding foster homes for children is hard and there’s a shortage of them so it’s always easier if a family member steps in.

This is tragic. I've been in a similar situation as you. Yes, you can "take in" your nephew - either as a "kinship carer" or as a foster carer. Social services can advise the best route; afaik you get more support (financial, practical) as a foster carer.
It is a phenomenally difficult situation to be in. You need to do what is right for your nephew; don't feel afraid to speak to social services. Sometimes - even though you may want to - it's just not feasible to care for a relative's child either now or ever.

You and me both.

It's disgusting. "Gf has said she doesn’t want her kids anymore". Just tosses them away like garbage. She should be sterilised immediately.

Whatever you decide, this isn't your responsibility OP.

You can't say that, you don't know the circumstances, OP herself said that it looks like the Mother's having a breakdown.

You said it OP - Going to family is best - Family that the child knows. He doesn't know you. And what will it take from your own 4-month old child?

That's pretty much what I was thinking, too.

That poor child, his mother doesn't want him, his father doesn't want him; his grandmother doesn't want him, but thinks he should be separated from his half-siblings and passed on to an uncle and aunt that he scarcely knows and who already have 2 children and a young baby. I don't blame you at all, OP, you've got enough on your plate with your own family.

It's too sad for words. Has the child's mother not got a family who could help?

Thank you for sharing your story

It sounds to me as though this child would be safer, emotionally, in specially trained foster family where he was ideally the only child. Transplanting him into a family where there is a new baby, 3 kids in total, and none of them are known to this little boy would be deeply traumatising for him imho.

It should then be possible for you and your family to arrange visits to maybe get to know this child, establish what his needs are. In the future, when your baby is older, you and DH can then revisit whether you would want to take him in - by which time BiL may have sorted himself out anyway and/or you may establish that this child’s needs actually are not as extensive as you fear… and you might have established a bond with him (or not).

Either way, some time for this child in a stable setting, as the only child, receiving focused care is probably in his interests in the immediate term and will allow all the adults involved (inc MiL/FiL) a chance to make plans.

I feel cross on your behalf that your MIL has made the suggestion and put you in this situation.

For me, this would be a hard no. Two older kids plus a 4 month old are plenty to be going on with. I would not have capacity to take on a 2 year old with potential additional needs on top of that. And whatever your DH might think or say about doing his fair share, you will be the primary caregiver by virtue of being on mat leave and because of course you will. Are you prepared to stretch yourself thin at the expense of your other children, not to mention your own mental and emotional wellbeing?

Bottom line is, you don't want to. Feeling guilty about that is never going to be a good enough reason to do it. You need to tell your DH that you don't have capacity. As PP have suggested, BIL needs to go to the council with his child and declare himself homeless.

It’s very easy to be charitable from a keyboard. If OP feels she can’t cope with a 2 year old in addition to her kids that’s ok.

BIL can declare himself emergency homeless with his 2 year old, and he will be given temporary accommodation by the council until he finds his feet.

If he really doesn’t want the child, a foster family who can cope with him would be better than a family who can’t.

Please sit and talk to your dh about this, do not allow any family pressure to sway your decision. A few years ago my dm asked me to become a fostor parent to her nieces two dc, both were being neglected and social services were involved, things were getting to the stage that it was obvious that the children would be removed from their parents and my dm and her sister (children's grandmother) wanted me to approach social services and volunteer to have the children, both of the children had additional needs, neither were potty trained (3 & 5), their mother wouldn't stay off drink and drugs long enough for social services to trust her and their father was worse. I live three hours from them and had never met either child, I didn't have to think about it, I immediately said no, I'd no training/experience of helping children with their needs, I also knew the parents would have been problematic, I knew it wasn't going to be short term and I just wasn't prepared to do it, I wasn't long married, my dc was 17 and I wasn't at all impressed with the attempt at emotional blackmail that my dm and aunt thought would work. I was very clear that it wasn't happening and the children were actually placed with separate foster families because their combined needs was too much for one family, that's over ten years ago and both children are still in foster care. I don't believe my marriage would have survived if I'd become 'mum' to the two children and judging from what my aunt has told me neither of them will live independently so I'd have had lifelong caring responsibilities. It's very easy to sit behind a keyboard and say you would take in someone else's child or to criticise the OP for being hesitant but I'm happy I did the right thing because I would have resentful of the changes required and absolutely unhappy also.

What an incredibly cruel and judgemental thing to say. Posters like you are the worst of mumsnet.

Your husband needs to explore why his brother can’t care for the boy.

why is he ‘not in a position’ to be a father? Does he work? Is he abusing alcohol or substances? Does he have special needs?

this child is his responsibility- it’s
not for the females in the family to step in. The dad should.

As someone else asked, what is SIL family doing to help? It sounds as if BIL needs to approach SS and the LA Housing dept and find out what his options are.

His child moving in with you seems to have been jumped on without the full circumstances being put to the local authority and other options being considered.

As it’s kin and if it happened to me, I would take the child in on a temporary foster care basis, to give the mother time to get treatment and the father to get his shit together. I would work closely with social services with a view to the child being placed for adoption in the long term if my family members did not come good and if the issues were too difficult for our family constellation. At least the period of foster care will give the child a time of stability in a functioning family and a basis from which he could get therapy for his needs.
I would hope my own children would be taken in by siblings if I had a breakdown of some kind, so as to give me time to reach rock bottom and go into treatment. What the mother is saying now (in not wanting the kids) may not be her healthy self talking. That’s just my own feelings and obviously what I would do is not suitable for everyone.

Can I suggest you ask for this to be moved to the fostering forum? You’ll get good advice there. This would be a kinship care arrangement, but you’d need to talk to SS in order to explore your options. You’re sensible to think it through well. It is a very sad situation, but you’d need to access support and advice around caring for a traumatised child.

I'm sure you're a wonderful carer, but if you're experienced then surely you must know that there's a lot of shoddy care and bad practice out there? Unfortunately for kids, many of whom get bounced around lots of different placements, foster care is a crapshoot.

social care wont be removed-they will "rehome" then push for adoption-and given her outta character recent issues ...they will achieve that fairly easily.
You -haave and are entitled to have your own life.
if you can take yourself of that and consider-boot on other foot?
you have no marital or moral obligation to offer this little one a home.
I (like others)wouldnt see it as a choice. remember-you have to live with yourself whatever way you jump

Gosh, we wouldn’t want a man to step up and parent his own child now would we. Not when there is a woman to palm him off on. After all, that’s what we’re here for, to pick after feckless idiots.

Absolutely no reason why BIL can’t sort out accommodation for the pair of them and take care of his own child. MIL can help out if she’s that bothered about it.