Reluctant to take in nephew

[Coffeefirst22]

DH and I have been together for 3 years and we have a newborn (4 months) we also have my children 9&7 from a previous relationship who live with us full time. We got together very quickly but we have a very strong relationship.

BIL and gf have recently split up and have a 2 year old (plus she has 2 older children) Gf has said she doesn’t want her kids anymore but BIL said he won’t cope with him and isn’t in a position to have him yet as he is currently sofa surfing and most recently moved in with his parents (my in laws) on their floor as they have 1 bed bungalow.

There is social services involvement due to neglect and a couple of other reasons and she has been told to improve. MIL has asked us to take the youngest in temporarily because we have stable jobs/relationship and I’m on maternity leave so I can care for him.

I’ve seen him once as a baby. DH thinks he has additional needs. We have no idea how to care for a child with trauma plus we have busy lives (even on mat leave).

Is this even legal to take in another persons child? What would happen if neither parent wants him back? We live over an hour away from them and neither drive so I doubt would visit. DH says we need to consider it as we are family but I just don’t believe that social care will remove him from his home (from what has been said secondhand to us) and even so I don’t believe we can offer him the attention he is going to need. We have our hands full.

I don’t know my in laws very well I haven’t spent much time with them but I think presumptuous to think we would just say yes.

PIL and BIL are trying to push this onto you on the basis of "space"? And "not ready"

Tough shit, he's the dad, he needs to step up. The poor child.

PIL probably think you're a handy solution which is family but doesn't put them out.

First priority are your children, secondly DN. I'm surprised SS think this is appropriate.

It’s a tough one. Personally I’d do everything in my power to take my niece or nephew in. But it’s certainly not something you take on lightly and of course it’s easy to just say ‘oh I’d do it in a heartbeat’ but the reality is something completely different. No other family who can help?

Me too.

My BIL and SIL are foster parents and I am in awe of the love and commitment they have for the child in their care.

You need to say 'no', for the sake of the child. You don't want them, so better they go elsewhere.

You need to consider what's best for you and your children, how would they feel about it? They're probably still adjusting to a new baby, throw an extra child in there too. You have to tell your husband if you don't feel capable because on maternity leave you'll be the one bearing the brunt. Good luck

Neither does his OWN FUCKING PARENTS.

I agree BIL needs to turn up at the housing office with nephew and say they are homeless. He will get housed and will be able to have his own son. Grandparents can help.

BIL needs to take responsibility, he's a grown man but obvs you can't force him. Maybe getting his own place will be an incentive because without a child, his chances of getting housed are slim to none.

It sounds like an incredibly challenging situation. Can you contribute to care e.g one day on the weekend? This could perhaps provide some family connection and support, but without taking on the whole responsibility.

Social services would love to keep a looked after child within its own extended family, but I would be very, very cautious.

This is highly likely to end up with the child needing care for years and instead of being the couple who said they would help out for a while you would end up being seen as the couple who called social services to put your BIL's child into care with strangers, with the child carried out of your house screaming. Nobody is looking kindly on that couple.

Or else you agree to keep looking after the child and you are now the couple that has GF and her string of boyfriends turning up at all hours for unannounced visits, with no idea what impact this is having on your own family.

I am painting a bleak picture deliberately because you need to have your eyes open.

Yes, that's very sad.

As an adoptive parent, with DD2 coming into my life aged 2, my heart breaks for the child, especially all the comments about what a nightmare they will be.

But it would be better for them to go into foster care than into kinship care where they are resented and not wanted

TBH, I think the best situation could be that she moves out of the family home, and BIL moves back in with the children, with support from the wider family and SS.

I don't think that it's a good option to take on a family members child in unless you and your children already have a strong bond with them.

I was asked to take in my sisters child- who I had never met. That fact and that it would mean I had to keep contact open to the rest of my dysfunctional family was enough to say no.

I'm sorry you're in such a tough position.

With my harsh critic hat on I would say this is an issue for your BIL and your PIL to sort out. The space issue sounds like a get out of jail free card. No reason why this poor little boy couldn’t sleep on a camp bed at your in laws. Much better he is there in my opinion than shipped off to you and DH. He needs consistency at that age and surely being with his dad is the best place for him.

I would try and push back with this point. Also you have a 4 month old, your mat leave is for looking after your own little one. Please speak to DH and make it clear that your BIL and PIL need to step up. However I’d say if it truly looks like this little one will end up in care I’d reconsider taking him in.

Your bil is sleeping on his parents sofa. Clearly not room for his 2 year old there. If SS are involved maybe they would expect the child to have be in a bedroom?
Could it be there are some concerns around his behaviour?
It does seem odd that he has not done more to house himself (via social housing/private rent) to allow him to have his son?? Especially knowing what you know of this woman's behaviour, it won't have been a shock to him surely?
I believe if you can't honestly say you can offer what this child needs then say no.
No judgement from me.
I've been a kinship carer, I jumped through some crazy hoops, had my whole life scrutinised. Very painful experience whilst caring for an angry confused small child.
I think your husband needs to speak to his brother and ask questions (if you are considering taking the child) 🌺

Only reconsider if you can commit to them - otherwise don't be another adult who feels half-hearted about them and lets them down if things get tough

BIL and PIL should be having him. Is it really a homelessness issue, or do they not really want him? It seems a fairly lame excuse.

I wouldn’t step in either OP, what a horrible situation for the toddler, and for you to be put in.

I don't see how this is meant to work? Is BIL magically going to morph into a responsible parent in time for you going back to work? Or are you/your DH meant to give up your jobs to care for this child long-term?

If BIL is capable of parenting his child, he needs to step up now, not in a few months time. And if not, it's better for a long-term solution to be found now rather than DN having the trauma and disruption of one move quickly followed by another one.

Any chance you can set the BIL up in a rental and get his brother to help him with his nephew?

Is BIL even willing to try?

Why won’t BIL cope? Ideally he would go to the council and explain he has a child and sofa surfing homeless and can they help?

Poor child but I wouldn’t do it in your circumstances; you have enough as it is and the child needs a family that have the time and can give him the stability he needs.

Poor kid. I wouldn't touch this - you're not in a position to. Social services will guilt trip you to do it - just say no and they will find a foster family.

They live in a 1 bedroom bungalow bil is sleeping on the floor. SS would only approve a child under 2 to sleep in the same room as them. Where do you expect them to put him?

There is no way I would do this. You’ve met this child once. You don’t know his parents or his grandparents well. You have a baby and two other children to look after. You already think his parents wouldn’t visit him. You think the child may have additional needs, plus the trauma of what’s been happening with his mother and father.

Stay well clear. The obvious answer is the father and child stay together and get declared homeless. The father isn’t willing to do this as he says he can’t cope??!! Well how the fuck are you meant to cope??

This is so sad.

Them poor kids I can’t imagine how awful
it would be for them to be split up, Why can’t BIL take all 3 children in and go to the council
to get housed? Or their mum can give the house to him and he can have the children there?

Who just suddenly decided that they don’t want their kids anymore so selfish.

I know not the point of this thread, but how sad for the poor little boy that his parents are two such utter fucking wastes of space, who won't step up for him when the shit his the fan.

Why can’t in laws take him in?

If you take him, you will get little support from SS as far as they are concerned he is now safe.
Plus, foster carers get a weekly fee & there is very little financial support for kinship.