Reluctant to take in nephew

[Coffeefirst22]

DH and I have been together for 3 years and we have a newborn (4 months) we also have my children 9&7 from a previous relationship who live with us full time. We got together very quickly but we have a very strong relationship.

BIL and gf have recently split up and have a 2 year old (plus she has 2 older children) Gf has said she doesn’t want her kids anymore but BIL said he won’t cope with him and isn’t in a position to have him yet as he is currently sofa surfing and most recently moved in with his parents (my in laws) on their floor as they have 1 bed bungalow.

There is social services involvement due to neglect and a couple of other reasons and she has been told to improve. MIL has asked us to take the youngest in temporarily because we have stable jobs/relationship and I’m on maternity leave so I can care for him.

I’ve seen him once as a baby. DH thinks he has additional needs. We have no idea how to care for a child with trauma plus we have busy lives (even on mat leave).

Is this even legal to take in another persons child? What would happen if neither parent wants him back? We live over an hour away from them and neither drive so I doubt would visit. DH says we need to consider it as we are family but I just don’t believe that social care will remove him from his home (from what has been said secondhand to us) and even so I don’t believe we can offer him the attention he is going to need. We have our hands full.

I don’t know my in laws very well I haven’t spent much time with them but I think presumptuous to think we would just say yes.

I was wondering if OP knows what has happened to GF’s other kids…. It might be better if the three of them are together. My are PIL supporting BIL atm and not this kid? Is he the golden child who can do no wrong? Sounds like they don’t feel like he’s up to adulting atm. Does he have addiction issues too?

@Ted27

i didn’t mean it as if the OP wasn’t a good person I understand she is in between a rock and a hard place and it’s life changing but myself i couldn’t turn a 2 year old family member down into the world of unknown. You can see OP Is a good person and parent for reaching out for advice and I know people have been harsh and pushy on here myself included and again I’d never like to be in her position in terms of having to question it etc. it’s not nice for anyone but that Pooor child. I think I connect with it because I have a literal two year old and just think as if it was something closer to me. I’m glad it isn’t and I hope she makes the right decision for the child and themselves and lives with it. I know it must be Hard and she probably wouldn’t be questioning it if life was different

Surely they would have gone to the father?

@mummy21blueeyed

If the op came to the adopters board and asked for advice about whether it would be a good idea to look to adopt or foster in her situation, we would very kindly discourage her and suggest she wait until her youngest child is at least 2 years old.
There are very good reasons for this.

She would also be told to go away for 2 years by social services.
The fact that this child is a relative should not mean that all those things are set aside.
There are the needs of 4 children to be considered here, not just one.

You’d go from 2 to 4 children ( one possibly with special needs and probably traumatised) within months, a huge amount for you and your other children to cope with. They’ll only just be used to the idea of a new baby.
SS are involved and they’re the ones to ask the questions and find what works.
Maybe ( not hopeful but maybe) your BIL’s council could supply/ find/ help with a suitable flat or house and his son could live with him.
Do the older two children have a father on the scene?

@Ted27 people are more experienced than I am in this field. You are right and it is about all the children. I guess we all
wish adoption etc wasn’t really a thing in terms of the neglect side I mean it’s beautiful in terms of providing a family who can’t have them with a child to love and care for but I bet we all in here wish we could stop it and save all the Childrens pain and hearts.

it saddens me to think this two year old is currently sleeping in a bed somewhere unknowing what’s probably coming and that he’s going to probably have his entire life change in a day at some point. I wish I’d not come across this thread. But I totally get it. I just feel sad for this child who deserves love.

I am not in the UK and do not know how these things work, but am wondering if there is a way to retain the possibility of very small-scale involvement, like offer to have the child for an overnight every now and again to maintain contact and give the foster family a break. Any effort that is committed to, however, needs to put your DH first and foremost in terms of making the effort. This is his family, ultimately, not yours.

If it was your sisters/brothers child would you take them in?
Personally I wouldn't/couldn't see my nephews nieces going through such a shit time and not help them.

Where’d you get autism from? The OP never mentioned autism; we have no detailed information on what the child’s problems or additional needs might be.

The replies on here are ruthless and lots are based on a general assumption that being with a family member (even someone who is basically a stranger and may have their own struggles that could impact the care they could afford a child) trumps being in some kind of care. A lot of the time there are many benefits to being with a family member but that’s not always the case. If people really wanted to focus on the interests of the child they should probably ask themselves the following.
Is there physically room for the child?
Can the potential carers meet the demands of another child financially?
Do the potential carers have the emotional capacity to care for a child who is likely to experience some kind of trauma as a result of parental separation and may well have an attachment disorder?
Do the potential carers have the capacity to support the child with their development?
If the child is likely to return home how would the temporary carers support regular contact given the distance?

It's sad to read of the situation your nephew is in OP but if he can't be cared for by his parents, he needs to be cared for by someone who can prioritise him, support his development, maintain contact with his parents (if appropriate) and focus on meeting all his needs. It wouldn't be fair to move him over an hour away to live in an already busy home, with people he doesn't know and has no relationship with, where the oldest children are still young and the youngest is a baby so have their own competing needs. It wouldn't be fair on him or on your children, regardless of any additional needs he may have.

Even putting the emotional side of things to one side, a temporary stay would still need the purchase of a car that can take five passengers and a double buggy suitable for a newborn. Taking on a possibly neglected toddler whose parents can't/won't parent him isn't for the fainthearted. He can't be the priority in your home and so you need to say no, for his sake.

I know there are lots of posters on here who feel they'd immediately jump in to help if a niece/nephew of theirs needed to be cared for by someone other than their parents but I wonder if their naivety would mean they may not be considered suitable. Fostering is hard work, caring for a relative under an SGO is also incredibly hard.

Nothing like guilt tripping the OP.
She has a 4 month old and 2 older children. She's met him once.
Do they have a bedroom for this child? She will be going back to work in a few months what happens to him then?
He has a father who needs to sort out accommodation so he can look after him. He has grandparents too. Just find the nearest woman and dump a child on her.

^^ this

Maybe you could look after him then?

I've been a foster carer for unrelated children. I guess that makes me a good person. I wouldn't necessarily take this child at this point in time due to the needs of my own children. I guess not really a good person then.

We all have different circumstances. Sometimes the most loving and caring thing is realising you aren't suitable to place the child with and saying no.

Except in this case, there is no death or severe hardship on the BIL's part, except he sounds like he just doesn't want to care for his child. Maybe laziness, maybe overwhelmed. But, HE and his parents are the ones who need to be responsible for this child. OP has a baby and two other children and the baby needs care and not end up being neglected because the nephew has behavior/emotional/mental difficulties and will take up a lot of time. MIL has no children at home, so if her son cannot cope with the child, it's on her, not OP to step up.

As for her DH taking on her children. Yes, HER children, not her sister's or brother's children. HERS. Big difference, huge! He married her and she married him, not the BIL.

It seems that the inlaws and BIL just want to foist the child on the OP and her DH, because they can't be bothered to get their shit together. That's not a reason for OP to turn her and her family's life upside down by taking in a special needs child that is only two and likely to devolve further.

My parents did this for my 2 cousins and they just fitted in with us 4 and never left actually lol. My mum's brother chose drugs and drink and now wonders why they are close to us and won't see him now as adults. Heart sorry for the child here

The obvious answer to this is to not do something you can't do, and not post about it on a public forum which will inevitably result in many people telling you the complete opposite.

@TiredCatLady yes we both work I do morning drop off at childminder and he does afternoon pick ups as we don’t make it in time for school run.
Currently a different routine as I’m on mat leave.

@SickOfSoreFeet

the comment you responded back to was the comment where I’d explained how I know it’s hard. People seem to have no compassion for a two year old and it baffles me.

I’ve said nothing wrong and shared my opinion so why don’t you back off.

No I don’t wish adoption or fostering was a thing I wish everyone that decided to have a child could be the parent they were supposed to be outside of impossible situations such as death. So leave me be. I’m entitled to share my opinion

You can have compassion for a two year old and still know you are not the best person to care for them. Do OP's other children or even OP herself not deserve compassion too?

@user1477391263 i used it as an example because anything of the sort isn’t unable to be cared for, asd, adhd autism etc She hasn’t specified what it is but i highly doubt he’s in a wheelchair or fully disabled. So it appeared to me as if it was a learning difficulty but I don’t know that.

again this isn’t my child or my life so I can deywtch from it but no one on this thread seems to care about a 2 year old as a two year old. I feel compassion and sad for a two year old I don’t even know because I find it the normal thing to do

@SickOfSoreFeet its not my life or my child so I can come away from this thread knowing I’ll hopefully never be put in an impossible position but knowing what I would do if I was. I again have my own child so again she’s all I need to worry about but this poor child that nobody wants will feel it as an adult. families aren’t what they used to be.

not my life not my problem and it isn’t my two year old getting hurt but I just feel a sense of sadness for a two year old because no one gives a fuck about where he ends up really.

These child has two parents and two sets of grand-parents and the responsibility has to be on them to sort themselves out...not on you.

You already have 3 kids to look after including a new born and I think you are more than enough to concentrate on.

Are the people who are judging you on this thread going to give you a bigger house, money and childcare facilities when you have to go back to work?

It is fine to suggest that you should always support your family but most of us live in the real world and you don't want your kids and your ability to make ends meet be compromised by this.

Let social services take this one on.

I hope you never find yourself in that position and I think it's lovely that you do care about the two year old. Yes he will certainly have issues when he's older but that is on his parents. His grandmother should be the first to step up if they can't. It's a very sad situation for any family and child this happens to. And then they often go on to have yet more babies.

You have one healthy child at the moment but think about how what you know you would do could change. Your health status could change, your child's health status could change. Ten years down the track you may be incapable of giving a two year old (let alone one with challenges) the attention and care needed because your plate is already overflowing. I hope you are never in this position but it does happen. Then maybe you'll have compassion for those put in this awful position where you wish you could step up, but just know you can't.

A two year old is likely to be adopted into a family who wants him and can give him the love and attention he deserves. That may actually be the best chance for him and I hope he gets that chance if family can't give him what he deserves.