Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Ethical dilemmas
Original poster

Reluctant to take in nephew

284 replies

Coffeefirst22 · 14/01/2024 19:03

DH and I have been together for 3 years and we have a newborn (4 months) we also have my children 9&7 from a previous relationship who live with us full time. We got together very quickly but we have a very strong relationship.

BIL and gf have recently split up and have a 2 year old (plus she has 2 older children) Gf has said she doesn’t want her kids anymore but BIL said he won’t cope with him and isn’t in a position to have him yet as he is currently sofa surfing and most recently moved in with his parents (my in laws) on their floor as they have 1 bed bungalow.

There is social services involvement due to neglect and a couple of other reasons and she has been told to improve. MIL has asked us to take the youngest in temporarily because we have stable jobs/relationship and I’m on maternity leave so I can care for him.

I’ve seen him once as a baby. DH thinks he has additional needs. We have no idea how to care for a child with trauma plus we have busy lives (even on mat leave).

Is this even legal to take in another persons child? What would happen if neither parent wants him back? We live over an hour away from them and neither drive so I doubt would visit. DH says we need to consider it as we are family but I just don’t believe that social care will remove him from his home (from what has been said secondhand to us) and even so I don’t believe we can offer him the attention he is going to need. We have our hands full.

I don’t know my in laws very well I haven’t spent much time with them but I think presumptuous to think we would just say yes.

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/01/2024 09:16

BIL said he won’t cope with him and isn’t in a position to have him yet as he is currently sofa surfing and most recently moved in with his parents (my in laws) on their floor as they have 1 bed bungalow.

Translation: BIL (the actual father) has a dick so he's off the hook and the OP has a cunt so apparently it's her responsibility.

thedementedelf · 15/01/2024 09:35

That poor child not being wanted by either his mother or father.

Why can't the in laws have him or brother in law? Surely a camp bed can fit in a space so they can be together? Sounds like none of them can be arsed with this little boy either.

To be honest I would probably take him in providing I had more information but that's me. I appreciate that lots of people wouldn't - no judgement.

bombardelli · 15/01/2024 09:42

mummy21blueeyed · 15/01/2024 08:30

@SickOfSoreFeet its not my life or my child so I can come away from this thread knowing I’ll hopefully never be put in an impossible position but knowing what I would do if I was. I again have my own child so again she’s all I need to worry about but this poor child that nobody wants will feel it as an adult. families aren’t what they used to be.

not my life not my problem and it isn’t my two year old getting hurt but I just feel a sense of sadness for a two year old because no one gives a fuck about where he ends up really.

not my life not my problem and it isn’t my two year old getting hurt

And yet you’re making yourself the centre in all this by dramatically saying it’s hurting your heart.

People do have compassion, for the 2yo BUT also for OP who is clearly not set up to take in her husband’s nephew, with a new born and 2 other dc.

notlucreziaborgia · 15/01/2024 09:51

mummy21blueeyed · 15/01/2024 08:30

@SickOfSoreFeet its not my life or my child so I can come away from this thread knowing I’ll hopefully never be put in an impossible position but knowing what I would do if I was. I again have my own child so again she’s all I need to worry about but this poor child that nobody wants will feel it as an adult. families aren’t what they used to be.

not my life not my problem and it isn’t my two year old getting hurt but I just feel a sense of sadness for a two year old because no one gives a fuck about where he ends up really.

You have a very idealized notion of what families were, when in the not so distant past sending off unwanted babies/babies born out of wedlock was hardly an uncommon occurrence (and that was the best case scenario in many cases).

By the same token it’s also not OP’s life and not OP’s problem. She is no more responsible for creating this situation than you are.

It isn’t just the two year old who needs to be considered, but everyone in the equation. You can have every sympathy for the child and still not believe that OP is obliged to step in to the rescue. Say she takes him when she doesn’t actually want to - what then? What about her mental health? She’s struggling with PPD, what if taking him breaks her down totally? What then for her own children? Her relationship? Her job? What would that actually mean for the two year old in question, living in an environment that is no more suitable for him than the one he’s currently in?

No one should be forced into raising a child they don’t want. It’s not fair on anyone.

Uricon2 · 15/01/2024 10:01

This little boy has been failed by his actual parents, not the OP who has her hands full already and has met this child once, a while ago.

The sentimental wailing/virtue signalling by certain other posters about what they would do in the same situation (hypothetically) is nauseating and naive. Kinship care can work well, it can meet the needs of the child but sometimes it won't. It sounds like this little boy is urgently in need of stability and permanence and that should be with people with the resources and ability to provide it, not the nearest random relative with a vagina.

Klcak · 15/01/2024 10:23

This is on BIL and PILs. BIL is their kid, the 2yo is BIL’s.

a 1 bed bungalow is manageable. Plenty manage like this.

bedroom for pils.
lounge for bil. Using a sofa from Ikea that’s cheap and long enough to sleep on without having to transform it. I slept on an Ikea sofa like this for ages with no problems. And a toddler bed for the 2yo.

Thye are the ones who shouldn’t see this 2yo go into the system. Not you - you already have 3 kids, a full life and pnd. The impact of having a challenging 2yo would be unacceptable for your big kids particularly.

Mia45 · 15/01/2024 12:15

Uricon2 · 15/01/2024 10:01

This little boy has been failed by his actual parents, not the OP who has her hands full already and has met this child once, a while ago.

The sentimental wailing/virtue signalling by certain other posters about what they would do in the same situation (hypothetically) is nauseating and naive. Kinship care can work well, it can meet the needs of the child but sometimes it won't. It sounds like this little boy is urgently in need of stability and permanence and that should be with people with the resources and ability to provide it, not the nearest random relative with a vagina.

Absolutely agree, people are talking as if we’re in the Victorian days and this child will be placed in some Oliver Twist orphanage rather than a keen loving modern day trained foster family

pinkyredrose · 15/01/2024 13:22

Pygtrail · 14/01/2024 20:24

Any chance you can set the BIL up in a rental and get his brother to help him with his nephew?

Is BIL even willing to try?

Edited

By 'set him up on a rental' you mean OP finds and pays for it?

JenniferBooth · 15/01/2024 13:47

Child free people are last in the queue for social housing BIL certainly wouldnt be with a 2 year old. And yet he seems very reluctant about sorting out housing.
a because he doesnt want to look after kid on his own (which millions of single parents have to do most of them women)

b. if he gets housed then decides he cant cope and puts kid into care or puts more pressure on OP it would look like he used the kid to get housed.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page