My brother is dying and doesnt want to say goodbye to his estranged son

[Worriedone2]

My brother was on the rebound from a relationship when he started dating and then living with a woman who was a bit scatty. I think he was pleased to have somewhere else to live and someone to live with and wasnt thinking long term. So after about 9 months when she told him she was pregnant he was less than happy. He is a bit of an emotional coward so was not really frank with her about how he felt at first. But did eventually come clean and say he could not make a life with her. And immediately started dating another woman while living with his then pregnant girlfriend or rather ex girlfriend.
He eventually moved out and moved on with the new girlfriend, who he later married and had two children with.
His wife was furious about him having a son with his ex and wanted nothing to do with the child. Although he came to stay with them occasionally she would make it clear she wanted nothing to do with him. So eventually my brother also completely withdrew from the relationship with his son. His son grew up about a mile away from his father and his half siblings but has never met his siblings and they dont know he exists. I have kept in touch with him. He has had things hard. His mother never established another permanent relationship and started to develop some mental health problems. The council flat he grew up in became very dirty and full of hoarded items.

He is very angry about how his father has treated him and that makes our relationship a bit strained as he feels i should in some way make his father behave better.
I have tried to talk to my brother about this over the years but its just made him and his wife very wary of me. This more recently seems to have affected his children who are now almost adults.
My brother has suddenly become unwell and has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and has something like a few weeks to a few months to live. I asked him if he would be willing to meet his son but he said something like "for gods sake dont you think i have enough to deal with, why wont you leave it alone".
I feel terrible for his son who may now never have a chance to meet his father or say goodbye to him. His other two children are really struggling with his illness and are not coping well. I dont want to stir things up at a time that is really difficult for him, his wife and his children. His son from the past relationship is fully grown but still struggling with his mental health. I dont know whether to tell him his father is ill or not tell him since it will only make matters worse. But if i dont tell him that feels awful too. He continues to live with his mother about a mile away from my brother. I just dont know what to do for the best.

You also need to realise that however much this situation upsets you, you cannot fix the relationship between him & his son, and that you will only cause more hurt by trying to.

Yep. People have watched too many movies. Real life is a lot messier. And I genuinely think that this nephew will end up with the worst of it. This awful woman will not have changed. Can you imagine the damage she'll inflict on him if he resurfaces just as she's about to lose her husband, and will be at her most protective of her own children?

The man is dying. He has made his wishes perfectly clear and you must accept & respect those wishes.

Why?

I don't think you have any choice. You have to tell your nephew. He needs to hear it from someone who cares about him rather than casually from a randomer.

I think the issue here is that people are so focused on the mans actions (which were shit, im not denying that as im in a similar position to the son)that they're discounting the 'damage' the son could do at a vulnerable time for the family.

He isnt a saint because his dad left him. The OP has said he is already angry at the situation, why do people think he would not want a confrontation? Why do you think if he already wants her to sort it that he wont be putting more pressure on her to organise a meeting? It will only destroy what time she has left with her brother.
This isnt the movies, its real life and messy as fuck and i think its sad she is not considering her other nephews in this.

Perhaps your brother could write a letter to his son? Whilst he may not be able to speak to him in person he might agree to write? Or the son write to your brother? A sad and difficult situation x

feel terrible for his son who may now never have a chance to meet his father or say goodbye to him.

The son is now an adult man living approximately a mile away.

I think the issue here is that people are so focused on the mans actions (which were shit, im not denying that as im in a similar position to the son)that they're discounting the 'damage' the son could do at a vulnerable time for the family.

Exactly. And also the damage it may do to him when the family turn on him.

And I'm another one who is bemused that OP only cares about one of her nephews.

I was recently in this position with a family member. He was contacted and told his father was dying. All it did was cause more hurt to the son as he faced rejection again, though I hope the son will have more peace knowing that he tried.

This whole website is full of nasty spiteful vengeful vindictive women. I'd leave if I were you and save yourself a lot of hurt feelings. My thoughts are with you. xx

So we're not going to mention the wife, who was dating her husband whilst he lived with the boys mother, who wanted nothing to do with the boy? Wow what a spiteful thing to do!! This poor lad is a human being how could a woman find it in her heart to be so cold and hateful towards a child because he was from another woman? That's her children's half sibling not some dirty secret.....but we're all gonna overlook that bit and just focus on the poor guy with cancer and his wishes? I will never understand today's calibre of women.....who seem to have double standards and enjoy having a nasty attitude as opposed to a caring one of yesteryear!

Yes let's pick on the op, really helpful!! Let's make judgements and spiteful assumptions about her motives and why she only likes one nephew...... nevermind the poor lad has been rejected by his father and step mother and hidden from his half siblings like a dirty secret. Nevermind he's been robbed of an entire family he belongs too because of a wife's jealousy. Nevermind he grew up feeling unloved and undervalued with a mentally ill mother whilst his father and his cold jealous wife brought up a family practically under his nose.....no let's ignore that a pick on op because she happens to care about this poor rejected human being "more than the others" SMH

Thank you, at least someone has brought up the vile woman he's married too, who robbed him of his father and half siblings.....she had no right to do that to another human being. Maybe the karma is hers

you're 'bemused' are you?

what a bitchy thing to say especially considering all your posts are very dismissive of this unwanted son.

I've just re-read the OP's posts and in no way does it seem 'she only cares about one of her nephews'. She seems genuinely concerned for all.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation Op. You sound like a good aunt and sister. Your brother doesn't deserve you.

Perhaps your nephew could take something positive from this. He could learn that some people aren't worth bothering with, blood or not.

Your nephew has mental health so what good is going to come of this anyway it's mot your call OP. Do not say anything obviously don't lie but you need to leave the matter.

Your brother well. You reap what you sow with your kids!

Thank Christ , someone speaks the truth.!
Karma my arse .

Saying what that he couldn't be bothered with his own Son. It's hardly any good for his mental health is it.

This!! Well said!

The woman had no power that her husband didn't give her. He decided to allow her to alienate him from his child. He didn't stand up for the child. It's all on him, as the father.

Son is better off without him.

I grew up with a Mother who didn't love me (made a lavish show of what she thought passed as love) and I am no contact with her.

I don't want to know when she's ill or dying. A parent who doesn't love you is only significant by their absence. I am hurt yes, but we can't reconcile something which didn't exist.

I have left my contact details with her solicitor so I will know once she's dead. I won't inherit anything but just knowing she is no longer 'there' will be a comfort.

@WannaBeRecluse the father ultimately had the final choice to disown his Son yes. The woman absolutely played her part too. I wouldn't date a man who had kids who he disowned his own child says a lot about then as a person!

I think the son deserves a lil honesty, and to make a claim on his father’s estate when he passes.

There is nothing you can do OP.

Your brother behaved badly towards his son, and so did his wife, abandoned him and failed to support him when he faced hardship growing up.

It is likely that the son would not want any contact with his father, even if he knew he was dying.

Your brother could not be bothered to establish a relationship with his kid for years and this is not something you can suddenly repair because of his illness...I think he knows he has been a dick and has no justification for his behaviour so can't face his son.

Just focus on having a good relationship with your nephew so that he knows that he has some family that actually genuinely cares about him.