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Ethical dilemmas
Original poster

My brother is dying and doesnt want to say goodbye to his estranged son

126 replies

Worriedone2 · 01/08/2023 11:48

My brother was on the rebound from a relationship when he started dating and then living with a woman who was a bit scatty. I think he was pleased to have somewhere else to live and someone to live with and wasnt thinking long term. So after about 9 months when she told him she was pregnant he was less than happy. He is a bit of an emotional coward so was not really frank with her about how he felt at first. But did eventually come clean and say he could not make a life with her. And immediately started dating another woman while living with his then pregnant girlfriend or rather ex girlfriend.
He eventually moved out and moved on with the new girlfriend, who he later married and had two children with.
His wife was furious about him having a son with his ex and wanted nothing to do with the child. Although he came to stay with them occasionally she would make it clear she wanted nothing to do with him. So eventually my brother also completely withdrew from the relationship with his son. His son grew up about a mile away from his father and his half siblings but has never met his siblings and they dont know he exists. I have kept in touch with him. He has had things hard. His mother never established another permanent relationship and started to develop some mental health problems. The council flat he grew up in became very dirty and full of hoarded items.

He is very angry about how his father has treated him and that makes our relationship a bit strained as he feels i should in some way make his father behave better.
I have tried to talk to my brother about this over the years but its just made him and his wife very wary of me. This more recently seems to have affected his children who are now almost adults.
My brother has suddenly become unwell and has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and has something like a few weeks to a few months to live. I asked him if he would be willing to meet his son but he said something like "for gods sake dont you think i have enough to deal with, why wont you leave it alone".
I feel terrible for his son who may now never have a chance to meet his father or say goodbye to him. His other two children are really struggling with his illness and are not coping well. I dont want to stir things up at a time that is really difficult for him, his wife and his children. His son from the past relationship is fully grown but still struggling with his mental health. I dont know whether to tell him his father is ill or not tell him since it will only make matters worse. But if i dont tell him that feels awful too. He continues to live with his mother about a mile away from my brother. I just dont know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
ButtonSister · 01/08/2023 15:50

StartSWagaintomorrow · 01/08/2023 12:18

I would be honest with my nephew and tell him and say his father didn’t want him to know or see him. You have an opportunity to be the person in this young man’s life he can turn to. You can help your young nephew in life far more than his father can on his death bed. Your nephew should be your priority.

I agree with this. I disagree with the posters saying don't tell the nephew.

LaurieFairyCake · 01/08/2023 16:05

Tell the nephew that his father is dying and has been a very poor excuse for a father.

lululongdog · 01/08/2023 16:28

That poor boy/man...I think you definitely need to tell him what is happening, and then he has the information he needs to decide what HE wants to do.

Imagine him finding out afterwards, and then on top of that realising that you knew all the time but didn't tell him...one more member of the family treating him like sh*t, the one he feels he can trust.

You don't need to say anything more to your brother, he's told you what he wants, or rather doesn't want. But if you really want to support your nephew, and be the best aunt you can be, there is no question for me that you must let him know what's going on so that he isn't denied the opportunity to do something if he wants/needs to.

LunaMay · 01/08/2023 16:31

lululongdog · 01/08/2023 16:28

That poor boy/man...I think you definitely need to tell him what is happening, and then he has the information he needs to decide what HE wants to do.

Imagine him finding out afterwards, and then on top of that realising that you knew all the time but didn't tell him...one more member of the family treating him like sh*t, the one he feels he can trust.

You don't need to say anything more to your brother, he's told you what he wants, or rather doesn't want. But if you really want to support your nephew, and be the best aunt you can be, there is no question for me that you must let him know what's going on so that he isn't denied the opportunity to do something if he wants/needs to.

So you think it's ok to ignore a dying mans wishes? Interesting...

AsterixAndPersimmon · 01/08/2023 16:40

Why is a ‘dying man wishes’ more important than a young/‘living’ man wishes??

LAMPS1 · 01/08/2023 16:40

I’d say you have to respect the wishes of your dying brother.
Don’t jeopardise your relationship with him or his family as they will also need you over the coming weeks/months.

If you aren’t really in touch with your estranged nephew at this time don’t suddenly get in touch. Don’t seek him out to tell him anything. Be as passive as you can and stay out of it as much as you can. It’s really not your problem to solve.

If the nephew lives close by maybe he will hear from somebody else (eg his own mum) and will act on his own to follow his own wishes if he knows his father is very ill. Then whatever follows will have been nothing to do with you.
I’m sorry you have this dilemma…its a tough one.

RitzyMcFitzy · 01/08/2023 16:43

So you think it's ok to ignore a dying mans wishes? Interesting...

Sometimes it is.

lululongdog · 01/08/2023 16:43

@LunaMay yes I do, because he isn't the only person in this equation, and his siblings are going to find out about him at some point; if they find out about him afterwards, and they're more decent than their mum and dad, they may even be horrified at the way he has been treated, imagine piling that guilt on top of everything else they have to deal with.

Ponderingwindow · 01/08/2023 16:45

so you want your nephew to grieve a man who does not deserve his tears?

Stay out of this. Your brother isn’t estranged from his son, he abandoned his son. There is no relationship to heal.

saraclara · 01/08/2023 16:50

AsterixAndPersimmon · 01/08/2023 16:40

Why is a ‘dying man wishes’ more important than a young/‘living’ man wishes??

Because this is not the only young lesson involved

His other two children are really struggling with his illness and are not coping well.

Clearly some people in this thread are more concerned about this man getting his comeuppance before he dies, then genuinely wanting to help someone.

I'm afraid the children who are about to lose the father that they love, come ahead of this other young man at this point.

And as I've said before, I also have this other son in mind. Because the fallout of identifying himself at his father's deathbed, is going to be horrific. The father will die and escape the repercussions of it. All three children will have to bear the scars.

lululongdog · 01/08/2023 16:53

For me, this isn't about comeuppance at all, far from it, there is nothing that can happen to the father that is worse than what he is now going through.

There is a similar situation in my family, and when the time comes I have no doubt that it will be me that makes the call to the unfortunate person who has been discarded in a very similar way...for HIS sake, for HIS potential need to say goodbye, or HIS choice not to. And for him to know that one of his blood relatives, at the very least, recognises who he is and values that.

RitzyMcFitzy · 01/08/2023 16:58

Clearly some people in this thread are more concerned about this man getting his comeuppance before he dies, then genuinely wanting to help someone.

I think the main concern should be what is in the best interests of the OP's nephew. Has anyone said a death bed reunion is a good idea? I don't think anyone would think an Eastenders style showdown would be of benefit to anyone. But if the OP can let her nephew know that his father is dying it might at least let him think that one person was considering his feelings. He's at least owed that much.

MaggieBsBoat · 01/08/2023 17:01

2 out of every 3 people get cancer. It’s how Mother Nature tries to get rid of us (in a rough way). Karma has nothing to do with it.
Your brother is a louse. This is a shame but I don’t think you can intervene at all. His wife is also a deeply amoral person to act the way she has for years. Once he is dead, give it some time and maybe broach the subject with his children if they are old enough. They have a right to know their sibling. It has nothing to do with their terrible parents.
Also, I’m sorry you are approaching the loss of your brother. You are being a good aunt and sister by caring so much. I’m so sorry.

Maddy70 · 01/08/2023 17:03

Your brother durantvwant this. That's the end of the conversation

GoodChat · 01/08/2023 17:05

AsterixAndPersimmon · 01/08/2023 16:40

Why is a ‘dying man wishes’ more important than a young/‘living’ man wishes??

Because it's not just him that will be impacted. It's his other children.

saraclara · 01/08/2023 17:06

RitzyMcFitzy · 01/08/2023 16:58

Clearly some people in this thread are more concerned about this man getting his comeuppance before he dies, then genuinely wanting to help someone.

I think the main concern should be what is in the best interests of the OP's nephew. Has anyone said a death bed reunion is a good idea? I don't think anyone would think an Eastenders style showdown would be of benefit to anyone. But if the OP can let her nephew know that his father is dying it might at least let him think that one person was considering his feelings. He's at least owed that much.

But what will he do with that information? I'm assuming that he knows his father's name, and knows that he only lives a mile or so away. There's really only one thing that, at this point, telling him will achieve.

RitzyMcFitzy · 01/08/2023 17:11

Hopefully it would help him realise he isn't just a dirty secret/inconvenience for everyone on the paternal side of his family. It's not a minor thing, a parent dying, even a wholly absent parent. Telling him after the event seems callous.

Dacadactyl · 01/08/2023 17:11

Your nephew is losing out on nothing by not meeting your brother. Sad though it may be for you to see your brother ill, his son is better off without him by the sounds of it.

I would continue to have a relationship with my nephew in your shoes. And i would have lost any respect I had for my brother the minute he turned his back on his child.

MrsSquirrel · 01/08/2023 17:12

I would tell the nephew that his father is dying and talk to him about whatever feelings it brings up for him. As above, it might at least let him think that one person was considering him.

Forget about the deathbed reunion scenario. It would be traumatising for all concerned.

MushMonster · 01/08/2023 17:16

Just keep in contact with your nephew.
Your brother and his wife disgust me. Sorry OP.

dudsville · 01/08/2023 17:22

Let the son know. Not with any intention about what he does with that information, just so you are not withholding information that's so crucial to him. I think a person on their death bed deserves a much respect then as during the rest of their lives, so I'm not concerned about upsetting your brother in this context, I'd be concerned about how to most help your nephew.

Hope your own process doesn't get lost on all this

bloodyeffinnora · 01/08/2023 18:23

AsterixAndPersimmon · 01/08/2023 16:40

Why is a ‘dying man wishes’ more important than a young/‘living’ man wishes??

yes agree totally, I think you should tell your nephew, otherwise, it's yet another rejection for him to not be told. sorry but your brother and sister in law are vile people

polkadotdalmation · 01/08/2023 18:39

I would stay out of of your brothers decision, but if you feel you can have a relationship with your nephew, I'd look into that instead.

ComeAlongNow23 · 01/08/2023 19:04

saraclara · 01/08/2023 13:27

Mind your own business.

Your brother, his wife and his children are going through hell right now. It doesn't matter what's gone before. Your brother's children with his wife have no idea that they have a sibling. The thought of you throwing this bomb into their lives right now, makes my chest hurt. It's a terrible thing to do to a family at this point. I've nursed a terminal husband and supported my young adult children through losing their dad. It's hideous. I can't imagine having this kind of situation added into that. It would be unbearable and I'd never forgive you for facilitating it.

Clearly you are focused on the nephew. Yes he's been treated badly, but you wouldn't be helping him by throwing him into this situation. The resentment, amger and emotion that he'd have to deal with from the rest of the family would be hugely negative. You have this romantic idea of a deathbed meeting, when actually you'd by throwing him into a fire.

I can't believe that people are telling you to tell him and encourage him to meet his dad. I can't say strongly enough that this is a terrible idea that will damage everyone concerned, possibly permanently.

Really? My mother nursed my father through a terminal illness when I was a child. It was awful but do you really think another child shouldn't know their father is dying? The boy has a right to know that his father will be dead soon.

BarelyLiterate · 01/08/2023 19:10

The man is dying. He has made his wishes perfectly clear and you must accept & respect those wishes.
You also need to realise that however much this situation upsets you, you cannot fix the relationship between him & his son, and that you will only cause more hurt by trying to. This situation is NOT about you or your feelings.

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