My brother is dying and doesnt want to say goodbye to his estranged son

[Worriedone2]

My brother was on the rebound from a relationship when he started dating and then living with a woman who was a bit scatty. I think he was pleased to have somewhere else to live and someone to live with and wasnt thinking long term. So after about 9 months when she told him she was pregnant he was less than happy. He is a bit of an emotional coward so was not really frank with her about how he felt at first. But did eventually come clean and say he could not make a life with her. And immediately started dating another woman while living with his then pregnant girlfriend or rather ex girlfriend.
He eventually moved out and moved on with the new girlfriend, who he later married and had two children with.
His wife was furious about him having a son with his ex and wanted nothing to do with the child. Although he came to stay with them occasionally she would make it clear she wanted nothing to do with him. So eventually my brother also completely withdrew from the relationship with his son. His son grew up about a mile away from his father and his half siblings but has never met his siblings and they dont know he exists. I have kept in touch with him. He has had things hard. His mother never established another permanent relationship and started to develop some mental health problems. The council flat he grew up in became very dirty and full of hoarded items.

He is very angry about how his father has treated him and that makes our relationship a bit strained as he feels i should in some way make his father behave better.
I have tried to talk to my brother about this over the years but its just made him and his wife very wary of me. This more recently seems to have affected his children who are now almost adults.
My brother has suddenly become unwell and has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and has something like a few weeks to a few months to live. I asked him if he would be willing to meet his son but he said something like "for gods sake dont you think i have enough to deal with, why wont you leave it alone".
I feel terrible for his son who may now never have a chance to meet his father or say goodbye to him. His other two children are really struggling with his illness and are not coping well. I dont want to stir things up at a time that is really difficult for him, his wife and his children. His son from the past relationship is fully grown but still struggling with his mental health. I dont know whether to tell him his father is ill or not tell him since it will only make matters worse. But if i dont tell him that feels awful too. He continues to live with his mother about a mile away from my brother. I just dont know what to do for the best.

It's his business.

You've raised the idea with your brother and he has said no. You should leave it there.

However I do think that you should tell his son.

🤔

I don't think she's trying to claim 'main character' status. She's clearly concerned for her nephew.

I can see your dilemma.
You feel you shouldn’t say a thing to the son because your brother and his whole family are already struggling like hell. His other two children probably dont need to have another layer if stress inflicted on them (I assume they the son exist right?)

On the other side, the son might (or might not) want to see his father once before he dies. But to be able to chose, he needs to know.

Its a shit place, all due to your brother cowardice and his actions.
Whatever you do, someone is going to get hurt (I’m not even thinking about what will happen if your brother doesn’t have a will).

Personally, I think you should tell the son his father is dying.
But I’m not convinced that him seeing his father is going to be any good for anyone.

Has the son ever told you he wanted to see his father and why?

It's not your business.

I'm estranged from my parents and I fully expect that they will die without 'saying goodbye'. It's just the way it is with some relationships and nobody else's intervention is really required or helpful.

Do I think it's the right way to be? No, not really. But it is what it is.

The problem comes if she tells the son he is dying but that his father doesn’t want to see him and the son decides, as is his right, to STILL go and see his father.
They are living close to each other. It’s not going to be hard for him to find that information

What a truly idiotic thing to say.

You’re in a difficult position OP on every front, because being the bestest aunt to your elder nephew will undermine the relationship with the younger ones and their ghastly mother. (sorry, but she is). I would be livid if she expects you to keep her secrets too, in perpetuity.

I would say it to your nephew but maybe phrase it as “he’s too emotionally weak” or some other phrasing that puts the blame for this on your brother and his cowardice. Perhaps nephew might even be able to muster a “I’m sorry this is happening” message to be verbally relayed back to your brother.

Definitely a mess he’s made for other people to carry the burden.

That is between son and father though.

I’ve fallen out with my brother and am now no contact with him forever. If my sister or mum demanded I spoke to him, deathbed or not I’d tell them to get f**d. I’d be the same with my parents if they’d treated me the way my brother did too. It’s okay to let people disappear from your life. That boy sounds like he’s had a rough time though, so continue to offer support there if you can, I think it will do more harm then good to try and force them together though.

You can only control your own actions, not your brother's. Tbh I'd say the damage is done now, if the son came to see your brother and he was rude or dismissive (which it sounds like he might be) then that could make matters worse.

I'd focus on being a supportive aunt. And maybe discussing with your brother how he wants to the son to be told of his death, if he can attend the funeral, if siblings can be told about him etc.

It's a shit situation but there's no magic wand to make it better.

It’s your brother, how about if it was your child.

I have cancer for the second time, karma must persistent!!
Stupid comment!

What does your nephew have to gain from meeting your brother?

I hope the comment hasn't knocked you too much. It was a vile thing to say. So many absolutely lovely people I know have cancer. If karma was real they would have skipped through life without any adversity or ill health

This. I would also eventually tell the children they have a half brother. It's their right to know. I would tell your nephew that your brother is dying. It will be a horrible shock otherwise. Just say he doesn't want to see anyone, rather than his son, specifically.

If it isn't karma it's you weren't brave enough, didn't fight hard enough. My family carries the BRCA gene so as I grew up women in the family kept on dying, no one understood it but now we know it was a gene that was faulty. Nothing to do with karma or bravery or how hard you fight. I hate how people trot out that rubbish.

Your brother has behaved appallingly - his child has been drowning in a hoard with a mum who is clearly struggling and he’s ignored them. I can’t see what good will come from a meeting between them. From the son’s point of view, he’d be meeting someone who should have shaped his life and cared for him - but in fact tossed him out like trash, never to be seen again. I’ll bet the poor bugger is suffering with his mental health. And poor life chances. And all sorts. Meeting his dying father isn’t going to help.

Does your nephew know he has siblings?

I think for now, you have to accept your brother's decision. He doesn't want his wife or (other) children to have to deal with any additional upset which I do understand, although I think his wife is vile.

Does he ask about his father? If he does, I think it's ok to tell him he's unwell. If he doesn't, dont.

I’d tell the nephew. And If also say something like PP suggested that your brother is too emotionally weak to deal with seeing him.

I’d support your nephew with whatever he decides to do with that information. For example he may choose to write a letter to your brother. And you know what if it causes your brother emotional pain his last few days then that is the consequences of his choices.

I think it would damage your relationship with your nephew for ever if you don’t tell him his father is dying.

However telling him could also impact your relationship with your brother’s wife and other children. But they have each other. Your nephew has no other family support.

I don’t see how forcing anything at this stage will help.

Your nephew has never had a relationship with his father and is rightly angry about this. I am not sure how getting to say goodbye will help him - especially given his father still doesn’t want it, so he’s not exactly going to get a heartfelt apology and warm embrace, is he.

Your brother’s other two children are as you say, going through a very difficult time and this is not going to help. Should they know at some point, yes probably, but now is not the time.

I was the child in similar scenario (estranged father due to his decision) he died after an illness requiring him to be in hospital during that time. Once he died lots of his family were keen to point out how he suffered etc but when I questioned why he never asked to see me they shrugged their shoulders and said that was his decision. With time I feel ok about it as I wasn’t obligated to forgive a dying man and I wasn’t left with having to accept a false version of my reality of him.

I would say respect your brother’s wishes let him die as he lived, but be the best aunt that you can be once he goes.

Cancer is Karma's way of getting even? I'll tell my husband that he must have done something awful to have developed such a rare and incurable disease. Cheers for that.

Tbh I would tell your nephew. I would want him to know that I’m on his side and don’t agree with his deadbeat “d”f behaviour or how he’s treated him. I would want him to know I’d been honest with him. Your brother won’t be here in a few months but your nephew will be. He will be the one needing support. He is the one who is has done nothing wrong. He is the the one whose “d”f has abandoned him.

What he does with the info is up to him BUT at least if he wants see his he can try and you can support him if he’s accepted or rejected again. He may just want to express his anger/grief of not having a dad. He deserves the chance to try if he wants to. I wouldn’t leave my nephew with “what ifs” I couldn’t look him in the eye when this man had died knowing I knew it was coming and said nothing.

I say this as a child of abandonment. So my view may be off but as a child who was left in the dark about my “d”f life and death I struggle to respect the wishes of your brother.

💯💯💯💯 This.
Be honest with your nephew, say to him 'if you want me to try ask him again incase he doesn't want to see you due to his own guilt over ignoring you, due also to his selfish wife's views, then I will try one last time for you'.

But tell him you will always be there for him

And say to your brother, that this is the conversation you will have with his first son, as when he has gone, it will be his other two children who will potentially ask questions about their sibling (as these things always seem to come out). They actually may find it comforting they have a half sibling. Or not.