My brother is dying and doesnt want to say goodbye to his estranged son

[Worriedone2]

My brother was on the rebound from a relationship when he started dating and then living with a woman who was a bit scatty. I think he was pleased to have somewhere else to live and someone to live with and wasnt thinking long term. So after about 9 months when she told him she was pregnant he was less than happy. He is a bit of an emotional coward so was not really frank with her about how he felt at first. But did eventually come clean and say he could not make a life with her. And immediately started dating another woman while living with his then pregnant girlfriend or rather ex girlfriend.
He eventually moved out and moved on with the new girlfriend, who he later married and had two children with.
His wife was furious about him having a son with his ex and wanted nothing to do with the child. Although he came to stay with them occasionally she would make it clear she wanted nothing to do with him. So eventually my brother also completely withdrew from the relationship with his son. His son grew up about a mile away from his father and his half siblings but has never met his siblings and they dont know he exists. I have kept in touch with him. He has had things hard. His mother never established another permanent relationship and started to develop some mental health problems. The council flat he grew up in became very dirty and full of hoarded items.

He is very angry about how his father has treated him and that makes our relationship a bit strained as he feels i should in some way make his father behave better.
I have tried to talk to my brother about this over the years but its just made him and his wife very wary of me. This more recently seems to have affected his children who are now almost adults.
My brother has suddenly become unwell and has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and has something like a few weeks to a few months to live. I asked him if he would be willing to meet his son but he said something like "for gods sake dont you think i have enough to deal with, why wont you leave it alone".
I feel terrible for his son who may now never have a chance to meet his father or say goodbye to him. His other two children are really struggling with his illness and are not coping well. I dont want to stir things up at a time that is really difficult for him, his wife and his children. His son from the past relationship is fully grown but still struggling with his mental health. I dont know whether to tell him his father is ill or not tell him since it will only make matters worse. But if i dont tell him that feels awful too. He continues to live with his mother about a mile away from my brother. I just dont know what to do for the best.

I'd say that it will be much harder to have a positive relationship with your brother going forwards if you conceal from him that his father is dying. I'm not saying they meet or reconcile in any way, just that your own relationship with him will be compromised by being secretive now about something that he's clearly going to find out about all too soon.

I tend to agree

its not really his child though is it? He fathered the lad but made no effort to love him or raise him so it’s not the same as my relationship with mine. My children and I are super close and I expect we always will be because Ive not even argued with my daughter since she was about 14 and she’s in her 20’s now. My little one is still small, but other than them committing some heinous crime, I can’t imagine doing anything but continuing to love them. So it’s not comparable.

Dhs dad wasn’t much of a dad. He is estranged from dhs older brother. He didn’t die but at 65 he moved permanently overseas. He is never going to return so it was going to be last time they see him. He wanted to have a lunch with dhs older brother, leave on good terms ect. But it was for his benefit. He wanted to go with a clear conscience. Not helping dhs brother or making up for what a shitty dad he was. His brother refused. He didn’t want to see him didn’t want to say goodbye and didn’t care that he will never see him again.

even if your brother did change his mind it wouldn’t be for his sons benefit. It would be so he can die with a clear conscience. Wouldn’t help his son in the slightest.

If the father doesn't want to see his son, it would not benefit the son to see him. I know father's like that father. My father was like him.

I went to see my father when I was an older adult and it really traumatised me, as my father rejected me again. I wish I hadn't gone to see my dad.

This man was never a father to his son. And it will only damage the son to see his dad. It sounds like the son would be better off away from the dad.

Op all you should and can do now is be a good aunt to your nephew! Your db relationship with his son is absolutely none of your business so please don't undermine or interfere! As for those saying your db is awful etc for not having a relationship with his ds, they are talking bollocks! Take it from someone who knows, having a half hearted parent who is only there because they are guilted into " doing the right thing" is far far more damaging than having a non involved parent!

The only innocent person here is the son. He has had 3 adults (mum, dad, dads new wife) who have all treated him abhorrently.
My loyalties would be towards the son, and doing what would be best for him, not the adults who've behaved appallingly.

No, we all read it right. Literally nowhere in the post does the OP remotely suggest her brother feels guilty or that this is “obviously eating at him”. But sure, if you want to just invent stuff to justify agreeing with such a disgusting comment then you do you.

At least it’s been deleted now.

This.

As awful as that conversation might be he has a right to know and decide if he wants to try reach out himself. The son might need closure for him. I wouldnt push from your brothers side. Id give your nephew the information and be there for him for whatever he chooses to do with it.

My husband was estranged from his dad. Hadn't seen him since he was 5yrs. His dad was diagnosed with cancer and despite there still being contact with some of his dad's side of the family no one told him be abuse they felt it wasn't their place. My husband was left with so many unanswered questions and what ifs that he will never have the answer for. He wishes he had the opportunity to try explore the relationship and get some closure for himself. As he says - I might not even have liked the man but I'll never know.

Mind your own business.

Your brother, his wife and his children are going through hell right now. It doesn't matter what's gone before. Your brother's children with his wife have no idea that they have a sibling. The thought of you throwing this bomb into their lives right now, makes my chest hurt. It's a terrible thing to do to a family at this point. I've nursed a terminal husband and supported my young adult children through losing their dad. It's hideous. I can't imagine having this kind of situation added into that. It would be unbearable and I'd never forgive you for facilitating it.

Clearly you are focused on the nephew. Yes he's been treated badly, but you wouldn't be helping him by throwing him into this situation. The resentment, amger and emotion that he'd have to deal with from the rest of the family would be hugely negative. You have this romantic idea of a deathbed meeting, when actually you'd by throwing him into a fire.

I can't believe that people are telling you to tell him and encourage him to meet his dad. I can't say strongly enough that this is a terrible idea that will damage everyone concerned, possibly permanently.

Your brother, his wife and his children are going through hell right now. It doesn't matter what's gone before

Doesn't it?

I feel that karma has come to bite your brother in the bum in this instance but he’s made his bed now and you need to leave him to it

I have cancer. Mind telling me what I've done to 'deserve' it biting me in the bum?

I asked him if he would be willing to meet his son but he said something like "for gods sake dont you think i have enough to deal with, why wont you leave it alone".

This sentence was the guilty conscience for me.

Anyway, the comment has been deleted. And I don’t think that the brother’s illness is some sort of cosmic punishment for his behaviour. Although, I do understand why the deleted poster would find it difficult to sympathise with the dying brother, who has treated his child in a frankly disgusting manner. And left all manner of mess for others to clean up.

I do not know the solution here, it must be an awful position to be in. You sound like a good aunt though, you have your nephews interest at heart which is much more than his waste of space of a father does.

Your poor nephew. He’s missing nothing not having that awful man and his awful wife in his life.

Forge your own relationship with him if you like, be the positive link to his father, because he’ll never get it directly.

Your brother cocklodged from one woman to the next and abandoned his child. He’s a disgrace in that respect.

You brought it up with your brother and he said no. Now it's time to leave it.

You cannot throw this bomb in your SIL's and nibling's lives. They are dealing with a devistating new reality don't make it worse.

Just taking this point, and I’m sorry for the loss you have all experienced.

l've nursed a terminal husband and supported my young adult children through losing their dad. It's hideous. I can't imagine having this kind of situation added into that. It would be unbearable and I'd never forgive you for facilitating it.
Would you say that your character is similar to the SIL in that: she got together with a man that had a pregnant girlfriend; she married him knowing he had a history or abandoning that child; she encouraged/cheerled him to push the son from their lives. Alternatively are the characters of you and your late husband quite different from what’s going on here.
The brother and his wife have created this time-bomb for their kids, by rights they don’t get to be upset if it goes off in their faces. Even if they try to position themselves as victims, no-one will buy it.

You don’t have to sympathise with the OP’s brother or his behaviour to object to the suggestion that people end up with terminal cancer because of karma. He sounds like a shitbag. Look, I managed to say that without implying that people who get cancer deserve it, and it wasn’t difficult.

Your heart is in the right place, but I think just leave it all well alone.

I feel sad for the son, who has clearly been through the mill. Just try and keep up a good relationship with him on your side.

My only worry would be is how the boy reacts when he finds out his father passed and you or no one else told him.

The brother and his wife have created this time-bomb for their kids, by rights they don’t get to be upset if it goes off in their faces. Even if they try to position themselves as victims, no-one will buy it.

Exactly.

I don't think it would be in the nephews best interests to try and stage a meeting with his father. But the father and the wife chose to crate this situation. Zero sympathy for either of them. Imagine concealing from your kids that they have an older half sibling? Demented behaviour.

I think that you are the person who is going to have to break the news of his father's death. It will probably be best if you tell nephew the truth about what is happening now as you risk him being angry with you if he finds out after his father's death. I

The children are entirely innocent in this. The absolutely worst part of my husband's illness and death was what I had to watch our children go through.

Frankly I couldn't give a damn about the brother and his wife, but his kids don't need this.
And as I said, the fallout will absolutely impact the nephew. I'm not ignoring his needs here, but he'll be right in the middle of the worst kind of anger and emotion from these people who, because of what they're going through, will not be able to keep their feelings in check.

This is a terrible idea for EVERYONE. Including OP who will never be forgiven by any of them, possibly including the nephew she things she's helping.

Your brother sounds like an asshole that his son is better off without. There's no talking to your brother and if he did see his son he'd probably be an obnoxious shit to him anyway. You cannot make your brother into a good father if he's not interested.

I would not tell your nephew until your brother is very close to death. I would tell him then but advise him that his father is not a good father to him, the wife is not nice and he is best off staying away. It gives him a little bit of time to come to terms then with his dad's death before it actually happens though.

However I think you have to consider if nephew if likely to hear from someone else at some point as he lives so nearby. In that case it may well be better coming from you.

I agree. Be there for your Nephew and make sure he knows it.

This could get very messy for your sister-in-law down the road if your brother has not made some provision for your nephew in his will. Not a lawyer, but it's my understanding that an estranged relative can claim on a will! And given how dreadfully your nephew has been treated, I wouldn't blame him for a second for going down this route. I would tell your nephew that his father is dying, I think he should be at least given that information. Other than that, you're better off to stay out of it and support your nephew as best you can. Your SIL has been ridiculous and unfair to her stepson, his half siblings may not be too thrilled with her when they find out - they may well decide that they want a relationship with him.