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Ethical dilemmas
Original poster

Found out something about my friend

226 replies

frankiesamson · 26/01/2019 03:55

A good friend of mine I've known for over a decade, whom I see almost every day, who supported me through some of my life's toughest times & I don't think I could have survived without her... and vice versa, opened up to me tonight about something apparently no one other than her has ever known about.

I promised her I wouldn't judge and that she could tell me anything.

Then she told me: during her divorce many years ago (her husband left her for someone else), her husband was out on a date with someone else & she felt so desperate she wanted him to come home to her. In order to get his attention, she told him their pet guinie pig had died (a lie). He agreed to come home.

So that he wouldn't discover the deception, she killed the pet. She was so ashamed she never told anyone.

How would / should one react?

OP posts:
TanteRose · 26/01/2019 04:05

Fucking hell Shock

jessstan2 · 26/01/2019 04:07

Blimey! I don't know what to say.

TanteRose · 26/01/2019 04:08

That is really shocking but I guess she must have been very emotionally unstable...

Yayswimming · 26/01/2019 04:12

Personally I wouldn't be able to see someone the same way if they had done this. I think it would affect how much I liked and respected and trusted them. I would struggle to move forward as friends knowing this. How does it make you feel?

wombatsears · 26/01/2019 04:18

I hope she has had some serious help for her issues because that is mental. I couldn’t get past that in a friendship.

NotMyCircusMonkeys · 26/01/2019 04:21

There's no way I would be able to continue the friendship. I absolutely cannot stand animal cruelty.

jessstan2 · 26/01/2019 04:25

Thinking about it a bit more, I feel that is the sort of thing one should confide in a professional counsellor, not a friend. It's too much to expect a friend to process. I don't honestly think I could be friends with someone after learning about that, it's so cruel. I'm not judgemental generally, most of us have done things we're not proud of and sometimes unkind but killing an innocent creature (not a mouse or rat or cockroach but a pet)? That's a bit beyond the pale.

(A counsellor has to listen to all sorts, they're paid to do that and know how to leave it behind when they go home afterwards, they're not personally involved. I couldn't be a counsellor, I wouldn't sleep.)

Hogtini · 26/01/2019 04:28

Jesus. She could've said he had a miraculous recovery by the time he got there or something Shock

Gone4Good · 26/01/2019 04:33

I couldn't be friends with an animal killer.

BoomBoomsCousin · 26/01/2019 04:35

It sounds like it was a long time ago, she was in an unusual state of mind and she finds it shocking herself now (?I'm guessing from the fact she hasn't told anyone before but has finally confided in her best friend) so I think it would be unreasonable to think it says much about the type of person she is now.

Since she's told you about it it's probably playing on her mind a bit so a reaction of shock (because it is shocking) along with understanding that she's upset about it and a suggestion she talks it through with someone seems like an "ideal" reaction.

But how you react will also depend on how you feel about it OP. An idealized reaction isn't always possible or authentic.

This is all assuming she told you in a way that suggests she is upset she did it, if she was laughing about it I think finding a way to let the friendship die would probably be wise.

Transpeaked · 26/01/2019 04:38

I’d be wondering what else she’s lied about to people to get their attention and what has she had to do to cover up? Perhaps it really was just a one off (a terrible, worrying one off. Was this pet her child(dens)s pet?!) But even if it was I don’t think I could get past this, at all.

Unicornfoodissparkle · 26/01/2019 04:41

Most people, even when distressed themselves can keep up a level of empathy for other living things, especially those they care for like pets. i can understand the manipulation of her husband but to actually harm their pet?
This is a really shocking thing to have done.
I would feel as though I couldn’t trust her at all going forward.
She has shown what she is capable
Of when she is determined to get her own way.

ObamaLlama · 26/01/2019 04:43

I do understand the visceral reaction of horror people are displaying here. I sort of share it. But with my rational head on I’m not convinced it’s as easy as saying “I could never be friends with an animal killer”.

If your friend had said she was ashamed that she once went fox hunting when she was younger would people say the friendship should end?

What if she said she felt awful because she once went trophy hunting and now regretted it and felt it was a dirty secret?

What if she killed a mouse in front of you but didn’t regret it? In that scenario there would not even be remorse.

She showed remorse and shame. She clearly knows it was an awful thing to do. She’s been living with guilt for a long time. We have all done crazy things in the face of despair.

mrsmuddlepies · 26/01/2019 04:53

It's illegal, cruel and barbaric. What would she do if she was trying to attract attention again? I am shocked at the poster who claims we have all done things like that. We certainly have not. It sounds a bit like Munchausen by proxy, when someone makes their child ill for attention.
Would you trust her with your children or your dog or cat now you know this?

sonlypuppyfat · 26/01/2019 05:01

I try not to judge people who are in a bad way, but I do this woman! Going out to your pets hutch and killing it! That's fucking evil

DustyMcDustbuster · 26/01/2019 05:04

I’m rarely shocked, but here we are.

mumtobe2019 · 26/01/2019 05:06

I think you’re a bit of a shitty friend to be posting something you’re friend has shared with you in strictest confidence on a social media platform particularly when the likes of the Daily Mail love publishing Mumsnet stories.

I am worried for you and your friends mental health if they were to discover this betrayal as the killing of an innocent animal is obviously the act of someone very mentally unwell.

The killing of an animal could be result of a mental health issue which is ongoing or may be the result of a severe psychotic episode that your friend has since recovered from. I don’t see life in such clear black and white terms in that ‘good’ people don’t commit crimes and ‘bad’ people do. People can react in extreme/ out of character ways dependent on circumstances. Given the fact that your friend hasn’t shared this encounter with anyone else it makes me feel they understand the seriousness of the situation which is more positive than not.

I’d have this post removed and then in terms of your reaction - don’t be ‘one of those’ who shares this information in a gossipy way. Encourage your friend to speak to a counsellor on this as it’s very worrying and then you need to decide if your friend is sufficiently sorry for this act and if so forget and move on or if not end the friendship.

tenredthings · 26/01/2019 05:17

I hope all those horrified posters are vegetarians and if not they may want to reflect a bit. Op get this post removed you are betraying your friend's confidence. If she feels remorse and guilt she's clearly not a psychopath.

cheesemongery · 26/01/2019 05:20

Crikey. I'm at a loss for words and comprehension re the guinea pig.

I hope she's not on Mumsnet as it's one of the most outing posts ever.

DustyMcDustbuster · 26/01/2019 05:21

Agree 100% with @mumtobe2019 & others. This needs to be deleted.

LunaLunitaLunera · 26/01/2019 05:46

tenredthings completely agree! Everyone hates animal abuse until it relates to what they eat.

CoffeeRunner · 26/01/2019 05:56

Wow! I wouldn’t judge her for pretending a pet had died - but FGS let it have had a miraculous recovery shortly after! Shock.

Does she have DCs? If so, she intentionally put them through the pain of their pet dying at the same time they were getting used to their mum & dad’s seperation? Obviously pets die, but that is so selfish. And cruel.

I don’t even know how a normally kind human could actually bring themselves to do that.

Yes, I’m sorry, I’m generally not the judgey type but for this I would be.

shirleyschmidt · 26/01/2019 06:02

Honestly know what to think on this one! What a crazy thing to have done.

On the one hand I agree with PP that she was obviously going through an extremely tough time, and seems to be very remorseful - so I'm inclined to believe it was a genuine moment of madness that she sincerely regrets. On the other hand as someone put it, she's revealed 'what she's capable of'. None of us knows your friend and aside from this she could be the loveliest person ever but, picturing the scenario, she did something very cunning, and (I assume) pretty violent, for no real reason. It's like something from a film. So 🤷‍♀️

OhTheRoses · 26/01/2019 06:04

She needs professional help. She's a bunny boiler.

WanderingTrolley1 · 26/01/2019 06:21
Shock

She’s mentally unstable and needs professional help.

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