Pressured to be sterilised vs no intimacy? Expectation or neglect?

[AnotherLostDad]

First I must apologise for the long post but as I am trying to get some help, I prefer to give the full background... So here you go...

The issue:
After our 3rd child (twin second time round) my wife told me to get sterilised if I wanted to have sex... That the procedure was simple and that all of her husband friend had it done... Each time another of her husband's friend went through it. I was reminded that they had it done and that I should speak to them as really, this is not a big deal...

The background:

• 3 kids by IVF as she has blocked tubes
• My Mrs is early / mid 40
• I am late 30..
• We have been together for 16 years.
• 9 years before our 1st child.

My thinking:

• That the probability is low already to have children due to the treatment required to have them....
• Due to her age -no offence to anybody- the pre-memopause / menopause might just be round the corner... (I just have to be patient... :))
• Probability to be pregnant past 40 is getting lower on any case...
• 6 months Clomid treatment which failed might have depleted her egg stock quite a bit...

Surely the probability for her to be pregnant compounded with the low sex frequency (once every 3 years), does not require me to have a vasectomy?? Or am I still unreasonable?

My proposal to her:

• lets go through a pack of 6 not 12, 6 condoms and when this is done I will go through the surgery...

Her answer:

• She does not like condoms and does not want them... Therefore I should get the snip and this is what everybody do...

When she mentioned again to me that I should get sterilised I told her again about the condoms and that maybe we should have sex a bit for a while (6 times) then once the box is gone, I go for the snip...

She then broke into tears asking me how could I and how dare I saying that the lack of intimacy was due to her and that if I loved her I should know how much heartache it would take her to terminate an unwelcome pregnancy considering all what it took to get our children at the first place... She then left the room, went to the bedroom to cry for the rest of the evening...

So where are we on this?
3 years so far with no sex... Well not really, she gave me a hand job 18 months ago and 4 months ago we nearly had a full blown sex only to be pushed away mid course and was asked to finish myself... No full sex since 2009...

Where does that leave me?

• Believing that I am the a##e h##e that I am told I am... For thinking ill things of her...
• I have no friend or family near by to talk to... Well I cannot even phone to them as I always end up paying some silence treatment / cold shoulder if I do... So I don't bother calling them anymore and now they won't call me since I am far away ie 1000 of miles...
• Each time I try to go out with colleagues, which usually happen once or twice a year it is gone with her... However when I am back I am selfish and usually the following day, if I had a few drinks the night before, I cannot have a lie in and need to continue to look after the kids full on as I always do at weekends...

I look well after my children they are everything to me... All my money goes to the house, my kids and my wife (who doesn't work)...

Home fell like walking on constant egg shell, I never seem to do anything right or it is not good enough...

But despite all this, I have family values and therefore stick with it... For better or for worst was the sentence...

I would like intimacy with my wife not only sex but a cuddle would be nice, the lack of it is killing me and maybe if I go through the Op everything will be better? Lately I was also told that I was fat and should take pride in my appearance as without it there is no chance for sex... I am 5'8 and 12 stones 9...

Well this is the crunch, my left brain is telling me STOP don't do it, all this is not right. She would have fully controlled my body by 'forcing' me to do something, which I might regret...

Furthermore would I regain intimacy with her once I am sterilised? She surely will always find another excuse for not having sex as something might not be right again with her...

I am facing large medical bill and I had to remortgage to pay for them...

We are consultant hopping at the moment... None of them are good enough to find what she has, the reason for her breathing problems... For her back pain... For her ankle swelling... Etc etc etc...

What do you think? Have I really lost the plot and am I such the twisted and bitter bast#rd that I am led to believe I am? Or should I go through the op and be a man, like all of her husband friend, who seem so perfect, to regain intimacy with my wife?

I can't see the issue with the 6 condoms, he isn't saying you have to have sex with me 6 times to someone who doesn't want to have sex with him, the wife wants a sexual relationship with OP or she wouldn't want him to be steralised. If she doesn't like condoms (unless she has an alergy) she needs to get over that really, it's not as if they will actually harm you. If they have sex so rarely the 6 condoms might last 6 years and by that time there would be no need for surgery.

If she doesn't want to have sex with OP that is a different issue, why is her dislike of condoms more important than OPs dislike of major surgery?

Brycie, get over telling others what they intend by what they say. Very arrogant... Very wrong, but clearly your problem.
You are souring this thread by making personal attacks. Im going to ignore you now

HT- well-said, completely agree.

I'm fortunate that when my DH and I decided our family was complete he was happy to have a vasectomy. If he hadn't been I'm certain we would not have had sex again.

Contraception does fail.

Having had to have IVF does not take the fear of having another child away.

Bargaining for sex indicates there is a serious problem somewhere...'do you want sex' 'no' conversation over.

Resuming a sex life without a vasectomy when terrified of adding to your brood doesn't seem sensible to me at all, but ALD has issues way more than his OP and think he sees that so again even this post isn't helpful now.

As often on MN, when you really get down to the nitty-gritty, which can not possibly be posted all in the OP, life/feelings/emotions are very very complicated.
Op's wife could be strerilised. I was a it is a very very simplistic keyhole day surgery.
His post about her health, and 'getting the job done', made my stomach turn becasue it was so vile. I keep being told by GP and Specialists that my tiredness and disapperance of sex drive was due to my diabetes. And only now are they looking at what else it could be. Very frustrating. So I understand her there.

I too wonder what she would post. Is she unwell, depressed, damaged, toxic. We will never know.

But the restaurant post sounds very extreme.

There is clearly alot of work to do here, OP. But then I think you know that.

If we were replying to a post along the lines of "my 17 year old DD's boyfriend wants her to go on the pill because he doesn't like condoms" we wouldn't be saying the girl should respect his dislike of condoms.

HoneyTea-I think the actual problem here is that OP's wife doesn't want sex at all. I think OP initial felt that the vasectomy was a red-herring, a form of control. I think (only think and hope) the condom suggestion was a double bluff...it came across badly though and not liking condoms is perfectly valid. If a 17 yr old DD boyfriend didn't like condoms the solution would be simple in my mind...he wouldn't get laid and the relationship would quite possibly fail.

Hey OP

I had ds 9 months ago and am terrified of getting pregnant again so dp and I are in a similar position I guess. Hormones have a lot to answer for but here goes -

We used the withdrawal method (I know, I know) before ds with no issues - we actually thought dp may have fertility issues. Conceived ds within 4 months of trying.

Had horrendous pregnancy and ill premie. Dp is a lovely man BUT he shut himself off from a lot of my pregnancy and problems and many tears, arguments and chats still haven't made up for the fact that I faced much is it alone. I'm not slagging him off or after advice - we're dealing with it, just setting the scene.

I feel like I went through so much physically and emotionally that he just can't comprehend. Im terrified of ever doing ut again again. I don't want to have a coil fitted, I've been through enough. I don't want to take the pill and neither of us likes condoms and - if I'm completely emotionally honest - I just think 'i've done my bit, now you go through something'

Not big, not clever but true. When I'm thinking straight I know it's silly etc but I can't help myself - we've had rows over it and have had sex twice in 9 months. We'll deal with it but at the moment I can see both sides. I think she just wants you to suffer a little bit but probably hates herself for feeling like that!

ALD, can you try saying to your wife, not confontationally (is that a word?) "I love you, i care about you, you're not happy, i want to help"? If she mentions sex/the vasectomy say it's not about the sex (it isn't really is it? The sex is just a symptom).

I read somewhere that talking side by side is less confrontational than face to face, so maybe go for a walk or something?

Now i have no actual experience of this, so feel free to ignore me, just a suggestion. Good luck.

Brycie If you are going to mention me at least take the time to work out how to spell my name, it's not bloody rocket science!

And yes, it was initiated by me because if this was a Woman posting the OP your opinion would be entirely different.

Brycie is a long term poster and is quite entitled to her opinion. I don't think she has said anything wrong at all. She has said similar things to mathsanxiety and others and their views have added positively to the thread, imo, in highlighting ways in which ALD may have been contributing to his relationship problems with quite worrying views. He has actually posted to say that he is reconsidering some of these views, so well done Brycie and others, I say.

Btw, Schrödinger is quite hard to spell, imo and neither rocket science nor quantum theory help. You have spelled it wrong yourself. Or is your umlaut hiding in a box, both dead and alive?

The accent that should be there wouldn't work when I signed up.

So, because I have a different opinion from you and Brycie you are going to nit pick at my username?

I am a long term poster also and quite entitled to my opinion as well which most on this thread seem to agree with.

The condom issue is only a "worrying view" if you wilfully misunderstand it, as a few have done on here. For the last time, he has said he is reluctant to have a vasectomy if there is no need at the moment, and that maybe they should try resuming their sex life first using condoms - not a massive sexathon, hence only 6 condoms, not 12. That is not "bargaining for sex." It's just common sense.

What a poster said upthread about if her DH hadn't had sex with her for 3 years she wouldn't go on the pill never mind have an op is spot on and I bet most would agree with her.

Seriously, if this was a woman there would be a completely different view, yes she has went through a lot with IVF etc but that was her choice to put her body through that. I hate this idea that because a woman has went through childbirth etc the man should just do whatever she asks, it is completely unfair. A man has as much right to decide what happens to his body as a woman does, just the same as if a woman didn't want a child she could abort, she has choices just the same as a man should have.

It is the DW here that wants him sterilised, if she is that adamant she should do it herself and for her it wouldn't have to be a surgical procedure. Essure.

I mean, what is the point? She doesn't want to have sex with him anyway, this marriage could easily fail and the OP could be left infertile and unable to start again with someone else if he so chooses in the future.

Clam It seemed more that he was proving a point that the vasectomy wasn't needed as they weren't having sex.

I certainly wouldn't have an operation for DH if my marriage was in the state OP's is.

Ahhh, just re-read your post, you have the same idea.

Am in violent agreement with you both

Gender almost irrelevant: no-one should pressure another unnecessarily to have an op. if they do resume an active sex life, obv the op should then be up for discussion.

Salbertina I completely agree with that and I think that is what the OP was trying to show with his condom thing. There is no point in this op if they are not having sex, it just seems controlling.

It was supposed to be a lighthearted response to:

If you are going to mention me at least take the time to work out how to spell my name, it's not bloody rocket science!

I was making an admittedly lame joke about your umlaut being in a box.

Never mind.

Sminko I'm being assessed for Aspergers and don't always understand when people are joking, I normally just take what is said as being serious, I normally get it after analysing it for a while but am on painkillers today which are messing with my judgement.

Apologies.

I liked the joke sminko

X-post with mew!

:o

Ignoring all the other stuff, if you do go ahead and have a vascectomy, it isn't effective straight away. It does require 30 ejaculations before the active sperm are 'used up'.

Would your wife be willing to use condoms until you are sterile?