Pressured to be sterilised vs no intimacy? Expectation or neglect?

[AnotherLostDad]

First I must apologise for the long post but as I am trying to get some help, I prefer to give the full background... So here you go...

The issue:
After our 3rd child (twin second time round) my wife told me to get sterilised if I wanted to have sex... That the procedure was simple and that all of her husband friend had it done... Each time another of her husband's friend went through it. I was reminded that they had it done and that I should speak to them as really, this is not a big deal...

The background:

• 3 kids by IVF as she has blocked tubes
• My Mrs is early / mid 40
• I am late 30..
• We have been together for 16 years.
• 9 years before our 1st child.

My thinking:

• That the probability is low already to have children due to the treatment required to have them....
• Due to her age -no offence to anybody- the pre-memopause / menopause might just be round the corner... (I just have to be patient... :))
• Probability to be pregnant past 40 is getting lower on any case...
• 6 months Clomid treatment which failed might have depleted her egg stock quite a bit...

Surely the probability for her to be pregnant compounded with the low sex frequency (once every 3 years), does not require me to have a vasectomy?? Or am I still unreasonable?

My proposal to her:

• lets go through a pack of 6 not 12, 6 condoms and when this is done I will go through the surgery...

Her answer:

• She does not like condoms and does not want them... Therefore I should get the snip and this is what everybody do...

When she mentioned again to me that I should get sterilised I told her again about the condoms and that maybe we should have sex a bit for a while (6 times) then once the box is gone, I go for the snip...

She then broke into tears asking me how could I and how dare I saying that the lack of intimacy was due to her and that if I loved her I should know how much heartache it would take her to terminate an unwelcome pregnancy considering all what it took to get our children at the first place... She then left the room, went to the bedroom to cry for the rest of the evening...

So where are we on this?
3 years so far with no sex... Well not really, she gave me a hand job 18 months ago and 4 months ago we nearly had a full blown sex only to be pushed away mid course and was asked to finish myself... No full sex since 2009...

Where does that leave me?

• Believing that I am the a##e h##e that I am told I am... For thinking ill things of her...
• I have no friend or family near by to talk to... Well I cannot even phone to them as I always end up paying some silence treatment / cold shoulder if I do... So I don't bother calling them anymore and now they won't call me since I am far away ie 1000 of miles...
• Each time I try to go out with colleagues, which usually happen once or twice a year it is gone with her... However when I am back I am selfish and usually the following day, if I had a few drinks the night before, I cannot have a lie in and need to continue to look after the kids full on as I always do at weekends...

I look well after my children they are everything to me... All my money goes to the house, my kids and my wife (who doesn't work)...

Home fell like walking on constant egg shell, I never seem to do anything right or it is not good enough...

But despite all this, I have family values and therefore stick with it... For better or for worst was the sentence...

I would like intimacy with my wife not only sex but a cuddle would be nice, the lack of it is killing me and maybe if I go through the Op everything will be better? Lately I was also told that I was fat and should take pride in my appearance as without it there is no chance for sex... I am 5'8 and 12 stones 9...

Well this is the crunch, my left brain is telling me STOP don't do it, all this is not right. She would have fully controlled my body by 'forcing' me to do something, which I might regret...

Furthermore would I regain intimacy with her once I am sterilised? She surely will always find another excuse for not having sex as something might not be right again with her...

I am facing large medical bill and I had to remortgage to pay for them...

We are consultant hopping at the moment... None of them are good enough to find what she has, the reason for her breathing problems... For her back pain... For her ankle swelling... Etc etc etc...

What do you think? Have I really lost the plot and am I such the twisted and bitter bast#rd that I am led to believe I am? Or should I go through the op and be a man, like all of her husband friend, who seem so perfect, to regain intimacy with my wife?

I would tell her to go and get her tubes tied (I guess the dr would tell her their is no point if her tubes are blocked already)

Or she could take the pill.

There is no way I would get steralised in your situation.

Don't do it OP, it's your body and what she is doing sounds like emotional blackmail to me.

Think others are right that counselling is a good idea, good luck

I meant emotional attention really, rather than housework/chores, though those can be stressful too of course. In heterosexual couples it is not uncommon for women to provide a lot of unacknowledged emotional support to men. This is necessarily diverted to young children if they come along and not all men are emotionally resilient enough to deal with this. Much more likely for men than women to have few friends and family members who are real confidantes and to be less able to talk about their feelings, so they may rely more on the relationship as their sole emotional outlet than women do, often. And then feel utterly rejected when little kids bring chaos, less sex, much less attention, less being looked after emotionally and practically. Just a thought.

If there is any truth in it for you there's lots than can be done- make time to be alone together, have dates, go for counselling, pay attention to your friendships and relationships with others so that talking to your wife isn't your only emotional outlet, masturbate, keep telling your wife she is sexy and gorgeous without pressuring her for sex, etc

If you have previously been close with a satisfying sex life then it is worth bearing in mind that much of your current stress may ease as the children grow up and life in general becomes easier. But if you've never really been emotionally or sexually intimate for the duration of the relationship then it may not be salvageable so easily.:(

Why is she seeing the GP?

Sorry I think you should get it done. Lots of reasons why but can't be bothered to go into them, you'd probably find some more excuses not to. I think it's weedy not to.

"The v job"

grow up

Do you think she wants you to be infertile too?

Why do you think he should he get it done if there is no contraceptive need, brycie?

Why are they using condoms if no contraception is needed?

I'm probably going to be a lone voice here but if you have no objection to the snip, and have proposed to have it done after you have had sex using condoms six times, why not just get it done now?

What are her health problems, related to the "consultant hopping"?

FWIW I don't really think that her request is all that unreasonable, if your family is complete and you're not planning to start a new family with anyone else.

Brycle Have you even read the thread? They haven't had sex in 3 years and she has blocked tubes.

OP, I don't think you should have it done and I don't think anyone should be pressured into an op they don't want, especially if she can't manage to show you she wants to actually have sex beforehand by using the 6 condoms.

I think the condom idea is a perfectly reasonable request, it is a big ask especially if you have pretty much no relationship with each other.

I agree witch - it's just a test, a controlling test, it's childish

It's not childish, surely it is perfectly reasonable for the OP to know that his DW actually wants to have sex with him before he gets a vasectomy for her?

Good point, Brycie! Doh. I didn't clock that you need some form of contraception ALD.

I've read the op, yes I realise the bloke has had one hand job 18 months ago, so why is he talking about condom use

what kind of sordid requrest is that

if she's really wholly sterile it's just like saying "have sex with me six times (not 12 mind, I'm not demanding) and then I'll consider your request

go ahead and approve - I don't

I don't know what ALD means

Well surely it's worse telling him to have an op before she has sex with him!?

They're basically both trying to get each other to prove the same thing, only thing is one persons request doesn't involve surgery!

ALD = AnotherLostDad

If a woman had posted the same OP there would be an outcry! Why is it always up to the man to get sterilised when he doesn't want to? There are non invasive ways a woman can protect herself from pregnancy if that's what she really wants.

How the hell can you tell? Please do explain that?

Also, can you please explain how it is worse asking his wife to use half a pack of condoms compared to her asking him to have surgery?

Please explain this.

"oh of course" refers to the fact that ALD is AnotherLostDad

The six condoms thing is just bizarre - what are you, the king in a fairytale, setting the heroine a challenge she must overcome?

Your wife is exhausted with three small children including twins. And you are being weird. Honestly, what is the problem with having a vasectomy? It's a minor op. Unless you are actually thinking you want to keep your options open e.g. you think you may leave your wife and children?