Pressured to be sterilised vs no intimacy? Expectation or neglect?

[AnotherLostDad]

First I must apologise for the long post but as I am trying to get some help, I prefer to give the full background... So here you go...

The issue:
After our 3rd child (twin second time round) my wife told me to get sterilised if I wanted to have sex... That the procedure was simple and that all of her husband friend had it done... Each time another of her husband's friend went through it. I was reminded that they had it done and that I should speak to them as really, this is not a big deal...

The background:

• 3 kids by IVF as she has blocked tubes
• My Mrs is early / mid 40
• I am late 30..
• We have been together for 16 years.
• 9 years before our 1st child.

My thinking:

• That the probability is low already to have children due to the treatment required to have them....
• Due to her age -no offence to anybody- the pre-memopause / menopause might just be round the corner... (I just have to be patient... :))
• Probability to be pregnant past 40 is getting lower on any case...
• 6 months Clomid treatment which failed might have depleted her egg stock quite a bit...

Surely the probability for her to be pregnant compounded with the low sex frequency (once every 3 years), does not require me to have a vasectomy?? Or am I still unreasonable?

My proposal to her:

• lets go through a pack of 6 not 12, 6 condoms and when this is done I will go through the surgery...

Her answer:

• She does not like condoms and does not want them... Therefore I should get the snip and this is what everybody do...

When she mentioned again to me that I should get sterilised I told her again about the condoms and that maybe we should have sex a bit for a while (6 times) then once the box is gone, I go for the snip...

She then broke into tears asking me how could I and how dare I saying that the lack of intimacy was due to her and that if I loved her I should know how much heartache it would take her to terminate an unwelcome pregnancy considering all what it took to get our children at the first place... She then left the room, went to the bedroom to cry for the rest of the evening...

So where are we on this?
3 years so far with no sex... Well not really, she gave me a hand job 18 months ago and 4 months ago we nearly had a full blown sex only to be pushed away mid course and was asked to finish myself... No full sex since 2009...

Where does that leave me?

• Believing that I am the a##e h##e that I am told I am... For thinking ill things of her...
• I have no friend or family near by to talk to... Well I cannot even phone to them as I always end up paying some silence treatment / cold shoulder if I do... So I don't bother calling them anymore and now they won't call me since I am far away ie 1000 of miles...
• Each time I try to go out with colleagues, which usually happen once or twice a year it is gone with her... However when I am back I am selfish and usually the following day, if I had a few drinks the night before, I cannot have a lie in and need to continue to look after the kids full on as I always do at weekends...

I look well after my children they are everything to me... All my money goes to the house, my kids and my wife (who doesn't work)...

Home fell like walking on constant egg shell, I never seem to do anything right or it is not good enough...

But despite all this, I have family values and therefore stick with it... For better or for worst was the sentence...

I would like intimacy with my wife not only sex but a cuddle would be nice, the lack of it is killing me and maybe if I go through the Op everything will be better? Lately I was also told that I was fat and should take pride in my appearance as without it there is no chance for sex... I am 5'8 and 12 stones 9...

Well this is the crunch, my left brain is telling me STOP don't do it, all this is not right. She would have fully controlled my body by 'forcing' me to do something, which I might regret...

Furthermore would I regain intimacy with her once I am sterilised? She surely will always find another excuse for not having sex as something might not be right again with her...

I am facing large medical bill and I had to remortgage to pay for them...

We are consultant hopping at the moment... None of them are good enough to find what she has, the reason for her breathing problems... For her back pain... For her ankle swelling... Etc etc etc...

What do you think? Have I really lost the plot and am I such the twisted and bitter bast#rd that I am led to believe I am? Or should I go through the op and be a man, like all of her husband friend, who seem so perfect, to regain intimacy with my wife?

Because, dueling if they're not going to have sex, as evidenced by the previous few years (although there seem to be understandable reasons for that) then he's reluctant to go through such a procedure if it's unnecessary.

We can say that it's a minor op all we like, and that it's nothing compared to what we women endure with childbirth and so on, but the fact remains that many men balk at the idea of a vasectomy. And who are we to criticise? It's his body and he shouldn't be pressured into doing anything to it/with it that he's not fully comfortable about. And of course neither should she.

Anyway, I get the feeling that it's immaterial. His wife is in such a dark place that she appears to be lashing out at him whatever he says or does, and this seems to be another stick to beat him with. Even if he'd said "yes OK, I'll have it done," then there would be something else.

So, if your summation is correct, then it IS about sex.

I got the impression he would do it if he thought they would have some kind of intimate relationship eventually. At the moment, it looks as though he doesn't believe that will happen.
More talking to the wife needs to happen that's for sure...

anotherlostdad before you go (and I wish it hadn't come to this) may I wish you the very best of luck. I hope you (and your wife) can find happiness ahead.

Clam
"
Even if he'd said "yes OK, I'll have it done," then there would be something else."

This my fear... Thank you..

Good luck, OP, sincerely. You sound like a decent guy going thro a hard time. You've had some support on here, remember, as well as lots of advice.

Problem is these posts do invite heated debate, however unintended, and therefore can broaden into somewhat polarized debates at which point it's no longer about the OP.

How do you come to that conclusion, dueling?
Of course it's much more than that. All the posts he's given show how much else is going on too. They're both very stressed and unhappy. The sex (or lack of it) is just one symptom.

Sminko thanks very much, assuredly. Math, you were amazingly articulate and expressed everything I felt was disturbing about this post. AnotherLostDad, I used the word ignorant: I revised my initial impression of you upwards to "well-intentioned but ignorant". Now I'm not so sure - but if you get help from a professional, there's hope for you and your wife. If you are both as isolated as you describe, you need some perspective.

As for others: there's something worrying about wanting to directly equate man = woman in this scenario. It's as if you have confused the priniciple that men and women (morally) have the same rights, with a theory than men and women are the same. Therefore when considering an issue like this you don't begin to imagine (although you've been forced to later in the thread) how this will be from the point of view of a women who has been virtually traumatised by the sex, pregnancy and birth issues she's experienced. And how that reaction differs from a man, and how that can drive a woman's emotions and responses, and how - quite frankly - it IS reasonable to say "I have been through this - now I need you to go through this for me." (The latter doesn't really apply to this OP any more - it's obvious there's more to it than the OP originally revealled).

On reflection, to me, this is how it reads: you feel that having to admit that men # women are not the same somehow undermines the principle that men and women (morally) have equal rights. That is why you keep insisting on it, and saying "yes but put man in that sentence instead of women, yes but imagine woman in that sentence instead of man." It doesn't work.

You needn't worry; admitting that men and women are not the same does not undermine the principle that men and women (morally) have equal rights.

By others: I obviously don't just mean everyone except Sminko and Math, because duelling and Narked and other posters also had similar feelings too.

I mean Others, you know who you are see me later.

Gosh that sounds like a threat instead of a joke. Have a and a maybe that will make a difference.

ALD,

Seeking professional advice sounds exactly right.

Just remember to look after yourself, your wife as best you can, which you seem to be trying to, and your children. The first is important as well as the rest, and I don't just mean taking advice. Giving yourself a break and support may mean that you can give better support to the others.

This may sound dumb, but why doesn't she get her tubes tied? No one should be forced to under go a life changing medical procedure if they don't want to. She clearly has no problem with surgical sterilisation so why does she not have it done? Seems really mean to me and trying to make you feel that you are the selfish one is ridiculous. You are willing to talk about it and compromise but she isn't. If this post was from a women saying her DP was trying to force her to be sterilised I think people would be outraged.

Whilst this decision impacts on both of you, and therefore requires discussion and imput from both sides, the ultimate decision lies with you. Do not do something you don't want to just to please someone else, it is difficult to undo and may cause problems ( feelings of resentment ect) later down the line. If it was a case of abortion I'd say the same to a woman as theirs is the physical undertaking. Is any other birth control a possible option in the meantime?