Pressured to be sterilised vs no intimacy? Expectation or neglect?

[AnotherLostDad]

First I must apologise for the long post but as I am trying to get some help, I prefer to give the full background... So here you go...

The issue:
After our 3rd child (twin second time round) my wife told me to get sterilised if I wanted to have sex... That the procedure was simple and that all of her husband friend had it done... Each time another of her husband's friend went through it. I was reminded that they had it done and that I should speak to them as really, this is not a big deal...

The background:

• 3 kids by IVF as she has blocked tubes
• My Mrs is early / mid 40
• I am late 30..
• We have been together for 16 years.
• 9 years before our 1st child.

My thinking:

• That the probability is low already to have children due to the treatment required to have them....
• Due to her age -no offence to anybody- the pre-memopause / menopause might just be round the corner... (I just have to be patient... :))
• Probability to be pregnant past 40 is getting lower on any case...
• 6 months Clomid treatment which failed might have depleted her egg stock quite a bit...

Surely the probability for her to be pregnant compounded with the low sex frequency (once every 3 years), does not require me to have a vasectomy?? Or am I still unreasonable?

My proposal to her:

• lets go through a pack of 6 not 12, 6 condoms and when this is done I will go through the surgery...

Her answer:

• She does not like condoms and does not want them... Therefore I should get the snip and this is what everybody do...

When she mentioned again to me that I should get sterilised I told her again about the condoms and that maybe we should have sex a bit for a while (6 times) then once the box is gone, I go for the snip...

She then broke into tears asking me how could I and how dare I saying that the lack of intimacy was due to her and that if I loved her I should know how much heartache it would take her to terminate an unwelcome pregnancy considering all what it took to get our children at the first place... She then left the room, went to the bedroom to cry for the rest of the evening...

So where are we on this?
3 years so far with no sex... Well not really, she gave me a hand job 18 months ago and 4 months ago we nearly had a full blown sex only to be pushed away mid course and was asked to finish myself... No full sex since 2009...

Where does that leave me?

• Believing that I am the a##e h##e that I am told I am... For thinking ill things of her...
• I have no friend or family near by to talk to... Well I cannot even phone to them as I always end up paying some silence treatment / cold shoulder if I do... So I don't bother calling them anymore and now they won't call me since I am far away ie 1000 of miles...
• Each time I try to go out with colleagues, which usually happen once or twice a year it is gone with her... However when I am back I am selfish and usually the following day, if I had a few drinks the night before, I cannot have a lie in and need to continue to look after the kids full on as I always do at weekends...

I look well after my children they are everything to me... All my money goes to the house, my kids and my wife (who doesn't work)...

Home fell like walking on constant egg shell, I never seem to do anything right or it is not good enough...

But despite all this, I have family values and therefore stick with it... For better or for worst was the sentence...

I would like intimacy with my wife not only sex but a cuddle would be nice, the lack of it is killing me and maybe if I go through the Op everything will be better? Lately I was also told that I was fat and should take pride in my appearance as without it there is no chance for sex... I am 5'8 and 12 stones 9...

Well this is the crunch, my left brain is telling me STOP don't do it, all this is not right. She would have fully controlled my body by 'forcing' me to do something, which I might regret...

Furthermore would I regain intimacy with her once I am sterilised? She surely will always find another excuse for not having sex as something might not be right again with her...

I am facing large medical bill and I had to remortgage to pay for them...

We are consultant hopping at the moment... None of them are good enough to find what she has, the reason for her breathing problems... For her back pain... For her ankle swelling... Etc etc etc...

What do you think? Have I really lost the plot and am I such the twisted and bitter bast#rd that I am led to believe I am? Or should I go through the op and be a man, like all of her husband friend, who seem so perfect, to regain intimacy with my wife?

It's clearer now. It wasn't from the first post.

Maybe the problem with the husband could be put down to being hamstrung by old-fashioned values, a bit ignorant, too caught up with machismo, different language to express himself here, while underneath he probably just needs help to be able to help his wife and for them to make a happy marriage. It is always possible, of course, that she is not unwell but a very very bad, cruel and toxic person indeed. It's mreo likely that he didn't marry a bad and cruel person but that she's become rather traumatised by her experiences.

But with the women, saying he was attempting to make a perfectly acceptable deal?

You know what Euphemism, you're right - this problem posted here is the problem that should have been posted three years ago (or whenever it was) when she first asked him. Now it's just a big mess and there's so much more to it. If there's one thing hopefully the thread has done (and he seems to acknowledge this) is to take the focus away from the sex and make him realise there's a big mess needs cleaning up somehow.

It was all there in the original post.

As was the disgusting deal he offered. Perhaps you're another one who approves.

The evening you outlined sounds awful ALD and what you've relayed to us is in no way your fault. Your wife certainly needs some help but you can't force someone to get help if they don't want it so just access some for yourself.

I'm not too sure why you have the attitude you have towards ALD tbh Brycie. His initial post was focused on a particular issue (the vasectomy, his sexual desire) but it became clear that there was much more going on here and it does seem as though he is in a very difficult relationship.

Of course we haven't the other side of the story (do we ever get that on here?) but taking the OP at his word, which is all we can do MN, can we not support him?

Regardless of gender and putting aside our own projections of what we think his wife is feeling or going through we have an OP asking for help, wondering if he's being an insensitive asshole and hoping to rescue his relationship.

Can you really not see Brycie that he may, possibly be in an awful situation. Is it not possible at all that, yes because of her circumstances and due to PND, she has become abusive towards her DH? Should we just focus on the fact that he initially was worried about his sex life and therefore write him off because all men are shits and women can do no wrong?

Good luck ALD. Seek help for yourself and I honestly think you should put up with cold shoulder and call your sister...we all need someone on our side

Why disgusting or unfeminist, Brycie???

Completely disagree- Op, quite reasonably, suggested getting thro 6 condoms first before him having to undergo an operation, hardly pushy or demanding!!

We're advising Op, a man - and a fellow human-being, not the Antichrist! - not his wife about whom we can only make assumptions based on what he says, of course, as its his thread.

Should she seek advice, I'm sure she'd receive the same support.

"six not being a big target for anybody"

plainly there was something very, very wrong in his attitude

I'm glad I'm not the only one to think so - but shocked that I am in such an extreme minority

"getting through six condoms"

euphemism - just say what you mean and what he means

six sex sessions

"Should she seek advice, I'm sure she'd receive the same support." or she might just be told to fuck off and agree to his deal.

There was something a bit wrong there Brycie and I'm pretty sure he gets that now, he's already indicated that he's been given a lot to think about and that sex is not the main issue. I get that you were offended by the 6 condom thing although it seemed to me to be a really ill-thought out misguided solution to a huge problem he didn't even know where to start to begin fixing the relationship.

You did grab onto it like a dog with a bone. Anyone who thinks 6 shags with contraception makes an operation worth having has some wires loose but I don't think OP is in that camp

Brycie, why are you being so aggressive just because others disagree?? Do you have sex/men issues you're projecting here???

I said what i said MY way based on OP. obv 6 sessions of sex

Anyway, Op, i hear what you're saying, its not unreasonable, suggest counselling and wish you well.

"Like a dog with a bone"?

You mean - the only person who picked up on it? One person said it was odd.

Quite a few told him he was being reasonable about it - people still are. Of course I go on about it. People accuse me of pouring shit all over the thread for pointing it out.

"I was offended"? It's offensive!

I've been accused of pouring shit over the thread. Is that not aggressive? Don't be silly with the projection. That's a sly little smear.

Just looked back - aggression initiated by shrodinger or whatever the name is -- wtaf, how the hell etc etc. People only see what they want to see.

Sigh, Brycie. This is not your thread. If you need one, pls start one. Talking about projection is not a smear...i could have said much worse but didn't want to cause unnecessary upset/insult.

Yes, it's a smear. No, it's not my thread. Am I not allowed to post because I didn't start it? Or are you just trying to get rid of someone who disagrees?

Shame the what the fucker didn't worry about causing unnecessary insult.

If you chose to be so easily offended as to see it as a smear, go ahead. I did not intend it that way.

'like a dog with a bone' simply means you won't let it go.

It was odd and yes some people have told him it was reasonable

It wasn't reasonable at all.

I think he does actually get that now.

FWIW I don't think you've poured shit all over the thread, I think your contributions have helped to inform him and get him to see that the real issue is way more than just sex but I honestly think he understands that (he's said as much) and the issue you have now is with other posters who think his request was reasonable...but that's another thread, not productive to this this one

Actually just looked back more - what the fuck, how the hell, you hate men, you're pouring shit on the thread, pulling things out of your arse, you shouldn't post here.

I think that's bullying.

From me - unpleasant to see women agree, you're on a bandwagon, you're parroting (after being insulted and sworn at)

so take your aggression accusations and your smear and think about them

Eventually unacceptable.e All he got at first was a pile of validation and from most posters what I got for disagreeing was the above unpleasantness.

Yes Salbertina - you did intend it that way. I'm not stupid.

Agreed but you won't change their minds on this thread

No, nor ever I should think.

Unacceptable- I've not read all thread but when i said it was reasonable to wait i guess i meant reasonable to resume sex life first before Op commits to an operation. I agree that it was said somewhat clumsily by Op, but English isn't his first language.

Since at least 3/4 of the long original post was about the sex/vasectomy situation, most posters focused on that. Subsequent posts have concentrated more on other aspects of the problem and responses to those have been to suggest counselling on a wider scale. Brycie's posts have interleaved with those of the OP.