Pressured to be sterilised vs no intimacy? Expectation or neglect?

[AnotherLostDad]

First I must apologise for the long post but as I am trying to get some help, I prefer to give the full background... So here you go...

The issue:
After our 3rd child (twin second time round) my wife told me to get sterilised if I wanted to have sex... That the procedure was simple and that all of her husband friend had it done... Each time another of her husband's friend went through it. I was reminded that they had it done and that I should speak to them as really, this is not a big deal...

The background:

• 3 kids by IVF as she has blocked tubes
• My Mrs is early / mid 40
• I am late 30..
• We have been together for 16 years.
• 9 years before our 1st child.

My thinking:

• That the probability is low already to have children due to the treatment required to have them....
• Due to her age -no offence to anybody- the pre-memopause / menopause might just be round the corner... (I just have to be patient... :))
• Probability to be pregnant past 40 is getting lower on any case...
• 6 months Clomid treatment which failed might have depleted her egg stock quite a bit...

Surely the probability for her to be pregnant compounded with the low sex frequency (once every 3 years), does not require me to have a vasectomy?? Or am I still unreasonable?

My proposal to her:

• lets go through a pack of 6 not 12, 6 condoms and when this is done I will go through the surgery...

Her answer:

• She does not like condoms and does not want them... Therefore I should get the snip and this is what everybody do...

When she mentioned again to me that I should get sterilised I told her again about the condoms and that maybe we should have sex a bit for a while (6 times) then once the box is gone, I go for the snip...

She then broke into tears asking me how could I and how dare I saying that the lack of intimacy was due to her and that if I loved her I should know how much heartache it would take her to terminate an unwelcome pregnancy considering all what it took to get our children at the first place... She then left the room, went to the bedroom to cry for the rest of the evening...

So where are we on this?
3 years so far with no sex... Well not really, she gave me a hand job 18 months ago and 4 months ago we nearly had a full blown sex only to be pushed away mid course and was asked to finish myself... No full sex since 2009...

Where does that leave me?

• Believing that I am the a##e h##e that I am told I am... For thinking ill things of her...
• I have no friend or family near by to talk to... Well I cannot even phone to them as I always end up paying some silence treatment / cold shoulder if I do... So I don't bother calling them anymore and now they won't call me since I am far away ie 1000 of miles...
• Each time I try to go out with colleagues, which usually happen once or twice a year it is gone with her... However when I am back I am selfish and usually the following day, if I had a few drinks the night before, I cannot have a lie in and need to continue to look after the kids full on as I always do at weekends...

I look well after my children they are everything to me... All my money goes to the house, my kids and my wife (who doesn't work)...

Home fell like walking on constant egg shell, I never seem to do anything right or it is not good enough...

But despite all this, I have family values and therefore stick with it... For better or for worst was the sentence...

I would like intimacy with my wife not only sex but a cuddle would be nice, the lack of it is killing me and maybe if I go through the Op everything will be better? Lately I was also told that I was fat and should take pride in my appearance as without it there is no chance for sex... I am 5'8 and 12 stones 9...

Well this is the crunch, my left brain is telling me STOP don't do it, all this is not right. She would have fully controlled my body by 'forcing' me to do something, which I might regret...

Furthermore would I regain intimacy with her once I am sterilised? She surely will always find another excuse for not having sex as something might not be right again with her...

I am facing large medical bill and I had to remortgage to pay for them...

We are consultant hopping at the moment... None of them are good enough to find what she has, the reason for her breathing problems... For her back pain... For her ankle swelling... Etc etc etc...

What do you think? Have I really lost the plot and am I such the twisted and bitter bast#rd that I am led to believe I am? Or should I go through the op and be a man, like all of her husband friend, who seem so perfect, to regain intimacy with my wife?

Fierce

Exactly my point.

I'm going to bed. OP, go to counselling, and if she refuses, go on your own. I hope the counsellor tells you a few home truths. Then you can go together and hopefully find a way to actually start talking to each other properly.

"simply an example you have used to illustrate why a vasectomy is not needed due to your current situation."

There's your answer. It's not demanding sex it's showing there is none in the first place so no need.

"and probably by his family too" I obviously missed the bit the his Mother and Father joined in.

Oh wait. OP said "She managed to cut myself from friend and familly"

Yes that's because you can't see beyond the surgery. You're on a bandwagon. You can't see what it means, why it's important, what it symbolises, you can't imagine what is behind the woman's need, you're just parotting.

How pathetic. She won't have sex because he wont have a vasectomy so he says - I don't need a vasectomy because we don't have sex.

In what world does that make sense>

Now I'm going to bed.

And you can't see beyond your obvious hatred towards men.

And I could quite easily see what is behind the womans need if she didn't want to get pregnant again and is ill. But it's still her choice, if she wants someone to be sterilised she should do it herself instead of bully her DH.

Feminism is about equality, not about women being better than men, or always in the right regardless of the situation, or men being "twatty twats". That's just offensive imho.

ALD, I think your wife probably has some health issues which need addressing. If she's breathless and had memory problems I'd be taking her to her GP and asking for a hospital referral, as those are serious problems that need to be addressed.

Health aside, withholding all intimacy in a relationship is wrong no matter which gender is doing it, and your relationship is obviously in need of a lot of work and support at the very least. Also, no-one should be isolated from their family, and like I said before if it was a woman posting saying her husband isolated her there'd be a flood of posts all saying "leave the bastard!".

Address her health problems first, and then get some couple's counselling to find out why she's so intent on you getting a vasectomy and you're so against it. No more "six shags then I'll do it" bargaining, either.

Would you be sterilised for you DH Brycie? Even in a completely sexless marriage? Would you put yourself through it even if there was no point and you didn't want it?

Also, I don't think it is wise for anyone to be sterilised to save a relationship that is quite obviously failing.

I'm on a bandwagon because I read the OP and didn't add anything in myself. Ok.

I am a feminist, and all I can think of is how angry and hurt I would be if my partner did this to me, if he insisted I was sterilised with it even trying another, non intrusive, form of contraception.

Equal rights means equal, it doesn't mean someone gets to enforce their fears onto your body, onto your genitals, against your wishes.

Op, I think your wife is hysterically frightened of becoming pregnant, and given her history, I understand why. She needs councilling, and so do you, but I think initially it needs to be separate.

Night, Brycie. I have enjoyed your posts and think they are refreshingly uncompromising and opened my eyes to really problematic elements of ALD's position which I missed at first. Thanks.

brycie what about the forced vasectomys which women make their partners have before they end the relationship?

I have read a lot about this for personal reasons.

Woman wants to split, makes man have vasectomy in case he has any more children simply because any more children involved would affect the amount of CSa she would receive. Google it and look for yourself!

I'm sorry op I'm not suggesting that is what is going on but please don't rush into anything. I was 25 when I was sterilised and no way was I pushed into it. I hope you work it out.

Disclaimer. I have not read full thread [hsmile]

totally with you colditz

I do hate it when threads get reduced to 'he's a man, therefore he must be a manipulative a bully and be wrong'

I prefer to give the op benefit of the doubt and assume he is normal man in a messy situation

"Oh it's ok op, there's a woman here advising you to tell your wife to fuck off. At last! That's probably what you've wanted the whole time. There we are - all sorted now."

Brycie not really what I wanted to hear... But certainly it was a good sound board / exercise for which I have to thank you for...

I was not meant to write an offensive message and yes it does sound bad... But everything is in the context... It might sound needy, off course it would be after all, I am the one posting the message...

Now leave the condom stuff aside as obviously I got your point and will reflect on this...

Yes she has health issues, yes I am supportive emotionally a lot and maybe the plot is lost as her health issues are affecting me, and anybody who has cared for someone would know on how this could impact someone close...

But today I just had enough of it and indeed the toys are out of the pram. Not that I am expecting you to understand nor need to...

I just think that after 2 years of probing testing searching... Someone would have found what is wrong...

Maybe deep down I just don't want the surgery as I see it unnecessary... I understand her point of view the risk... But by discussing it was a GP I also know it is nearly non existent... Hence going with her to have the discussion and for her to discuss it as well...

Oh and you will not see me posting about an affair it won't happen... Divorce will be first but there is the counselling to do before... Hopefully it will help and in 2 years we will be laughing about it...

Maybe I should have chosen insensitive prick as a name!! Next time hey :) thanks and take care.

ALD I had been investigated for problems when I was younger and no one could find out what was wrong.

Took me 10 years to get a diagnosis of a genetic disorder, a heart condition and a few other things after everyone calling me a hypocondriac.

Yep if you have some unusual/rare/display non-classic symtoms of a condition getting a diagnosis is horrendous.

Good luck in moving forward together.

Op

Why is the third option not being discussed
Condoms
Vasectomy
...Don't have PIV sex?

SUM,

I hear you... I won't say that to her and still fight her corner with the docs etc... But I know what they think, I know that what she say to them does not make any sense, it kills me believe it... Walking on egg shell all day is not fun either...

I hope they will find.

Brycie
Just read a few more thread... No I don't demand sex... How can you say that... 3 year ish with no intimacy I would like to think that i am patient and see more than that in her... Also tell me of how many men who would have stick with this... At least I understand her reaction now thanks ;)

Some of ALD's turns of phrase are unfortunate but I am presuming that English is not your first language ALD?

Eurostar you should Play the euro million you are going to win...

PumkinDublic,

"IVF is hard on both partners, and although physically you may not have had to bear the brunt of it, it does take it's toll on all involved emotionally and the fallout from it can last far beyond the birth of a child.

I think at this point (IMHO) neither of you should be focusing on sex, but instead on loving intimacy and communication for a chance to make the most of your relationship."

I think you might be right... Thank you..

Eurostar you are correct...