Pressured to be sterilised vs no intimacy? Expectation or neglect?

[AnotherLostDad]

First I must apologise for the long post but as I am trying to get some help, I prefer to give the full background... So here you go...

The issue:
After our 3rd child (twin second time round) my wife told me to get sterilised if I wanted to have sex... That the procedure was simple and that all of her husband friend had it done... Each time another of her husband's friend went through it. I was reminded that they had it done and that I should speak to them as really, this is not a big deal...

The background:

• 3 kids by IVF as she has blocked tubes
• My Mrs is early / mid 40
• I am late 30..
• We have been together for 16 years.
• 9 years before our 1st child.

My thinking:

• That the probability is low already to have children due to the treatment required to have them....
• Due to her age -no offence to anybody- the pre-memopause / menopause might just be round the corner... (I just have to be patient... :))
• Probability to be pregnant past 40 is getting lower on any case...
• 6 months Clomid treatment which failed might have depleted her egg stock quite a bit...

Surely the probability for her to be pregnant compounded with the low sex frequency (once every 3 years), does not require me to have a vasectomy?? Or am I still unreasonable?

My proposal to her:

• lets go through a pack of 6 not 12, 6 condoms and when this is done I will go through the surgery...

Her answer:

• She does not like condoms and does not want them... Therefore I should get the snip and this is what everybody do...

When she mentioned again to me that I should get sterilised I told her again about the condoms and that maybe we should have sex a bit for a while (6 times) then once the box is gone, I go for the snip...

She then broke into tears asking me how could I and how dare I saying that the lack of intimacy was due to her and that if I loved her I should know how much heartache it would take her to terminate an unwelcome pregnancy considering all what it took to get our children at the first place... She then left the room, went to the bedroom to cry for the rest of the evening...

So where are we on this?
3 years so far with no sex... Well not really, she gave me a hand job 18 months ago and 4 months ago we nearly had a full blown sex only to be pushed away mid course and was asked to finish myself... No full sex since 2009...

Where does that leave me?

• Believing that I am the a##e h##e that I am told I am... For thinking ill things of her...
• I have no friend or family near by to talk to... Well I cannot even phone to them as I always end up paying some silence treatment / cold shoulder if I do... So I don't bother calling them anymore and now they won't call me since I am far away ie 1000 of miles...
• Each time I try to go out with colleagues, which usually happen once or twice a year it is gone with her... However when I am back I am selfish and usually the following day, if I had a few drinks the night before, I cannot have a lie in and need to continue to look after the kids full on as I always do at weekends...

I look well after my children they are everything to me... All my money goes to the house, my kids and my wife (who doesn't work)...

Home fell like walking on constant egg shell, I never seem to do anything right or it is not good enough...

But despite all this, I have family values and therefore stick with it... For better or for worst was the sentence...

I would like intimacy with my wife not only sex but a cuddle would be nice, the lack of it is killing me and maybe if I go through the Op everything will be better? Lately I was also told that I was fat and should take pride in my appearance as without it there is no chance for sex... I am 5'8 and 12 stones 9...

Well this is the crunch, my left brain is telling me STOP don't do it, all this is not right. She would have fully controlled my body by 'forcing' me to do something, which I might regret...

Furthermore would I regain intimacy with her once I am sterilised? She surely will always find another excuse for not having sex as something might not be right again with her...

I am facing large medical bill and I had to remortgage to pay for them...

We are consultant hopping at the moment... None of them are good enough to find what she has, the reason for her breathing problems... For her back pain... For her ankle swelling... Etc etc etc...

What do you think? Have I really lost the plot and am I such the twisted and bitter bast#rd that I am led to believe I am? Or should I go through the op and be a man, like all of her husband friend, who seem so perfect, to regain intimacy with my wife?

WTAF!

It doesn't seem he's doing either of those things, he just wants to know his Wife actually wants to have sex with him before commiting to an operation that is totally fair, it is his body, not hers.

I'm assuming she wanted kids and wasn't forced into IVF? That is something she has put herself through so her DH shouldn't be made to pay for choices she has made also.

Read what she's been through. Rread what he's been through . Now he's demanding six sex sessions before he'll consider a vasectomy. I'm not surprised she's in tears.

Dh recently had a vasectomy after our 3rd child.

I simply cannot have another baby. No way. On medical advice.

I hate condoms, as does dh.

Conceived very easily (bit of a shock, though lovely) with dc3.

So I can see that the circs are slightly different to you.

But I can empathise with your dw's reaction to the condom deal you wanted. If dh had done that, I would have been really upset. I don't trust condoms (dc3). Having spent most of my late teens and 20s on the pill, I do not ever want to take hormonal contraceptives again. Why the hell should I go through more medical stuff, on top of the 3 lots of stitches and the cut and restitch I had when dc1 was 7 months old because the stitching post natally had made sex impossible?

I would have felt cornered, pressured even if that was not the intention. I guess your fear is that you'd have the op and she would still not want sex? It is tricky. Have you had counselling? Is tht something your dw would agree with?

Was dh's turn to take responsibility for contraception. He was fine withit, and op was no problem. Just waiting for the all clear, so still avoiding fertile periods in conjunction with the condoms (yuk).

He's not demanding any sex, he's saying he will do it once they have had sex six times with condoms. She needn't have sex with him and he simply wont have the vasectomy.

Also, I don't buy the "see what she's been through crap". It is his body and he should be able to make whatever decision he likes with it.

WTAF = these acronyms are pathetic too by the way. Just say what the fuck, this is not a primary classroom.

He just wants to know that his wife wants to have sex? I should think she wants to know that he respects her, loves her, understands what she's been through and considers the issue seriously. Demanding six sessions of sex first is utterly, utterly low and pathetic. Are you a bloke Shrodinger.

Really agree with Edam and brycie.

No, I'm not a bloke and I will use whatever acronyms I like.

So he should just have the op so she knows he respects her? What would be the point if she doesn't want to have sex with him?

That is what a vasectomy is for, to stop you getting pregnant. What would be the point if there is no chance of you getting pregnant?

And he doesn't seem to be demanding anything, just saying when the packet runs out he will have the op.

I think demanding he has an op he doesn't want when she could take steps herself is utterly pathetic.

Really? Is it? How is that blindingly obvious? You don't know anything about me at all.

And no, I wouldn't support anyone having an affair.

Bit on the fence here. Can understand why you don't want to rush into surgery, but at the same time, if you were saying you'd get it done eventually, don't understand why you're putting it off.

Can also understand why your wife is terrified of having another baby, and so wants to protect herself from that. And as much as your "six condoms" request might be straight forward in theory, if tha suggestion had been put to me, I would have been upset and insulted, probably have gone through with the sex to keep you happy and ended up resenting you.

Think she sounds quite depressed actually, so some joint counselling, and also some solo counselling for her might be a good idea.

Oh, and you don't sound very supportive with her health issues. Is there a reason for this?

I do think the OP smacks heavily of me me me neediness.

But otoh, I would never get sterilised or expect my partner to do so unless he wanted to/suggested it because I don't like operations and there are other contraceptive options for us.

Do you want to have children with someone else?

If not why not get the vasectomy?

You are both essentially holed up in your fortresses throwing stones at each other.

She isn't going to agree to sex with you with a condom so stop trying.

Sex is not a quid pro quo for doing housework or parenting. It is not something anyone owes another person. It is supposed to be a part of a loving relationship and what you have is not a loving relationship by all accounts. It is one where you keep track of all you do around the house seemingly in expectation of a reward and do not seem to have much insight into the fact that it is a big ask to try to get her to risk pregnancy (and there is a tiny risk) or have something inside her body that she does not want there (a condom) in order to leave you satisfied.

The whole 6 condoms thing is juvenile and smacks of making someone eat something they don't want to just to teach them that it isn't poison/won't make them sick. Is that what sex means to you? Is that all it is now reduced to? Is your wife supposed to enjoy sex under those circumstances? Do you think she would want more?

Get the vasectomy done if you don't want more children, with her or anyone else.

But get help with the relationship before anything else and forget about pressing her for sex.

Bloody hell "poor ickle baby man". Yeah, he hasn't grown up because he doesn't want an operation where it might not be needed.

Have you read the op - there's more to it than "I don't want the op". Read it properly then you might be able to get off your bandwagon.

That demand for six sex sessions is nauseating.

Everything on MN about women having autonomy over their own bodies and always having a choice, their choice. Why should a man be afforded any less?

I don't understand it at all, I thought feminism was about equal rights, not a woman having more rights than a man. No one should be forced into anything they do not want.

Let's not be sexist, women can be twats. But fucking hell men can be such fucking twatty twats.

He's not demanding any sex, he's saying he will do it once they have had sex six times with condoms.

He is demanding sex 6 times. Essentially he will not have a vasectomy until she has consented 6 times to sex with a condom. Which is in fact a demand for 6 sex sessions with a condom before he will do it her way. If she ever wants sex again without a condom she will have to first have sex 6 times with one.

Assuming he really wants sex with her and isn't just messing with her mind.

Can you quote where he "demanded" 6 sex sessions please?

Oh there's the bandwagon, right there, I spotted it. Nice and comfy?

Agree re demand for 6 sex sessions being vile, Brycie.

I like mathanxiety's post.

Everything on MN about women having autonomy over their own bodies and always having a choice, their choice. Why should a man be afforded any less?

I don't understand it at all, I thought feminism was about equal rights, not a woman having more rights than a man. No one should be forced into anything they do not want.

Couldn't agree more.

Oh you put it differenly of course. "What's wrong with using up six condoms?" Well unles they're going to open them up and talk about them I'd suggest that means six sex sessions.

Both your posts now, math.