Pressured to be sterilised vs no intimacy? Expectation or neglect?

[AnotherLostDad]

First I must apologise for the long post but as I am trying to get some help, I prefer to give the full background... So here you go...

The issue:
After our 3rd child (twin second time round) my wife told me to get sterilised if I wanted to have sex... That the procedure was simple and that all of her husband friend had it done... Each time another of her husband's friend went through it. I was reminded that they had it done and that I should speak to them as really, this is not a big deal...

The background:

• 3 kids by IVF as she has blocked tubes
• My Mrs is early / mid 40
• I am late 30..
• We have been together for 16 years.
• 9 years before our 1st child.

My thinking:

• That the probability is low already to have children due to the treatment required to have them....
• Due to her age -no offence to anybody- the pre-memopause / menopause might just be round the corner... (I just have to be patient... :))
• Probability to be pregnant past 40 is getting lower on any case...
• 6 months Clomid treatment which failed might have depleted her egg stock quite a bit...

Surely the probability for her to be pregnant compounded with the low sex frequency (once every 3 years), does not require me to have a vasectomy?? Or am I still unreasonable?

My proposal to her:

• lets go through a pack of 6 not 12, 6 condoms and when this is done I will go through the surgery...

Her answer:

• She does not like condoms and does not want them... Therefore I should get the snip and this is what everybody do...

When she mentioned again to me that I should get sterilised I told her again about the condoms and that maybe we should have sex a bit for a while (6 times) then once the box is gone, I go for the snip...

She then broke into tears asking me how could I and how dare I saying that the lack of intimacy was due to her and that if I loved her I should know how much heartache it would take her to terminate an unwelcome pregnancy considering all what it took to get our children at the first place... She then left the room, went to the bedroom to cry for the rest of the evening...

So where are we on this?
3 years so far with no sex... Well not really, she gave me a hand job 18 months ago and 4 months ago we nearly had a full blown sex only to be pushed away mid course and was asked to finish myself... No full sex since 2009...

Where does that leave me?

• Believing that I am the a##e h##e that I am told I am... For thinking ill things of her...
• I have no friend or family near by to talk to... Well I cannot even phone to them as I always end up paying some silence treatment / cold shoulder if I do... So I don't bother calling them anymore and now they won't call me since I am far away ie 1000 of miles...
• Each time I try to go out with colleagues, which usually happen once or twice a year it is gone with her... However when I am back I am selfish and usually the following day, if I had a few drinks the night before, I cannot have a lie in and need to continue to look after the kids full on as I always do at weekends...

I look well after my children they are everything to me... All my money goes to the house, my kids and my wife (who doesn't work)...

Home fell like walking on constant egg shell, I never seem to do anything right or it is not good enough...

But despite all this, I have family values and therefore stick with it... For better or for worst was the sentence...

I would like intimacy with my wife not only sex but a cuddle would be nice, the lack of it is killing me and maybe if I go through the Op everything will be better? Lately I was also told that I was fat and should take pride in my appearance as without it there is no chance for sex... I am 5'8 and 12 stones 9...

Well this is the crunch, my left brain is telling me STOP don't do it, all this is not right. She would have fully controlled my body by 'forcing' me to do something, which I might regret...

Furthermore would I regain intimacy with her once I am sterilised? She surely will always find another excuse for not having sex as something might not be right again with her...

I am facing large medical bill and I had to remortgage to pay for them...

We are consultant hopping at the moment... None of them are good enough to find what she has, the reason for her breathing problems... For her back pain... For her ankle swelling... Etc etc etc...

What do you think? Have I really lost the plot and am I such the twisted and bitter bast#rd that I am led to believe I am? Or should I go through the op and be a man, like all of her husband friend, who seem so perfect, to regain intimacy with my wife?

Mathan But does that not go both ways? She is demanding he have a vasectomy before she has sex with him.

Yes I agree with math and I respect the way she's cross but still able to actually write something cogent unlike me, who's just full of contempt.

Well Brycie, I might be childish but the bottom line is that I do all what I can to support the family and my wife multiple and varied request...

I am walking on eggshell at home and being shouted at for breaking the rule that she gave me 5 minutes ago and she had no recollection of... She managed to cut myself from friend and familly... And now I am requested to be sterilised in order to have sex as a form of contraception....

My point is that if she fear an highly unlikely pregnancy I will use condom for a short while to get the machine going as a temporary measure then I will get the job done... But 'the job' is still not required and I will take her to the GP to have him say that in front of her based on her medical situation...

So not sure who is the most childish there... The husband refusing an unnecessary surgery or the wife demanding it...

For the poster asking about why she changes GP etc... Well go and ask an hypochondriac about how lethal is to have a cold and you would be surprised about the answer...

Oh you sound lovely.

I feel really sorry for you op. I think you are trying very hard to be considerate to you wife here, in the middle of a very difficult situation. And I feel sorry for your wife too, who is obviously massivley upset and stressed about this too.

I really think that sex is an important part of a relationship. Yes, our sex life was rubbish when kids were small, but we still made an effort occasionally, and were really glad we did.
I do think that after lots of trying to conceive sex becomes more about babies than your relationship and it is hard to get back to you as a couple.

To me intimacy is not something to be withheld as a bargaining tool, it is too important ot the relationship for that.

I think that you really as a couple need to get help in working the whole issue through, as I suspect there are other issues underneath.

I don't really like condoms, and would hate to get pregnant again. But would be prepared to meet you half way to work this out. You have both got yourselves into a corner, and now there is no middle ground, the first to give in is the 'looser' and that is not a good place to be in a relationship.

If you don't want the snip, you shouldn't be forced into it, and then as a couple you have to find another way. it isn't impossible, many couples do manage good contraception without getting the snip, the issue here isn't really contraception though is it.

Please get some counselling

I think it's the mindgame stuff that is crap, schroedinger, now that I've processed things a bit more. If my partner asked me to consider sterilization I would say no because I don't want to go through with an op. I wouldn't say yes but only if you prove that we have a sex life by using a contraceptive you don't like 6 times first... It's all a bit odd and screwed up, frankly.

Is there any reason that your wife won't use any other forms of contraception? Coil? Pill? Implant? Natural family planning?

Don't have a vasectomy. The reason is, you don't want to have one. The end. Only you have the right over what happens to your body.

The vasectomy aside, ALD, it sounds like she does have some health issues that need addressing. She asked you to do something five minutes ago and can't remember? She's seeing lots of doctors? Going by your other posts, I'd be worrying that there was something seriously wrong with her rather than dismissing it as hypochondria.

Reading between the lines, I think there's so much unpleasantness here it's driving the woman nuts.

I think she is the one playing mind games more though, I mean she goes in moods when he talks to his family. If a woman posted that she would be told to leave the bastard and it's EA but when a man does it on here he's selfish apparently. When a woman wants sex and DH doesn't she's told he needs to take her feelings into consideration when a man asks he's also told to take her feelings into consideration.

At the end of the day, it is your body and if you don't want to have the snip, then you shouldn't. You won't have the op without sex, your DW won't have sex without the op - it needs to be dealt with, in counselling before the relationship implodes.

That being said:

My point is that if she fear an highly unlikely pregnancy I will use condom for a short while to get the machine going as a temporary measure then I will get the job done... But 'the job' is still not required and I will take her to the GP to have him say that in front of her based on her medical situation...

That is the most offensive paragraph I have read on here in a long while....

What is wrong with him insisting on going through a six pack of condoms first? She doesn't have to have sex with him, he's not asking for that, he's making sure that she isn't just insisting on him being sterile on a whim!

What is so awful abut condoms? Why is sterilisation so much better? Why should he have an operation when she won't even use a barrier method of contraception?

I wouldn't do it, I'd tell her to fuck off with her demands.

I will agree with that Fuckity, that paragraph was horrible.

Colditz I completely agree.

Where's the evidence for that, Bryce?

I'm a woman, in the end I was sterlised, I am 5 years older than my dh, I cannot use contraception, I had condoms, I have problem periods.

It was not an easy decision, I real head over heart but I'm a realist I'm getting on in years, I have 4 dc, my eldest is 16 if something happened to me (hopefully not divorce) I'd like to think my dh would have the opportunity to meet someone and have another family should the worst happen.

If it were the other way around then I'm too bloody old to start again anyway! Although somesort of IVF would be an option I guess.

I think it all seems odd and would also recommend counselling as the best way forward.

Oh it's ok op, there's a woman here advising you to tell your wife to fuck off. At last! That's probably what you've wanted the whole time. There we are - all sorted now.

You seriously think a man shouldn't have autonomy over his own body? That he should just put up and shut up because that's what she wants?

It's not dressed up as equal rights, that's what true equal rights are. Everyone having the same choices.

I can read it in the op's posts. It seems pretty obvious that the one thing, the only piece of power she has, is to refuse to have sex.

"I would like intimacy with my wife not only sex but a cuddle would be nice"

I've read all of your posts but for me this sentence summed it all up. I think you sound like a loving husband and father. Perhaps you could engage in some couples therapy. Work on intimacy without sex. Cuddles, hand holding and loving affection.

I don't see you 6 condom scenario as "demanding" sex in return for the operation, simply an example you have used to illustrate why a vasectomy is not needed due to your current situation.

IVF is hard on both partners, and although physically you may not have had to bear the brunt of it, it does take it's toll on all involved emotionally and the fallout from it can last far beyond the birth of a child.

I think at this point (IMHO) neither of you should be focusing on sex, but instead on loving intimacy and communication for a chance to make the most of your relationship.

I hope you are successful and wish you love and luck.

"get the machine going"

What does that mean?

Imagine if it was a woman writing the OP.

"After our 3rd child (twin second time round) my husband told me to get sterilised if I wanted to have sex... That the procedure was simple and that all of his friend's wives had it done... Each time another of his friend's wives went through it. I was reminded that they had it done and that I should speak to them as really, this is not a big deal...

The background:

• 3 kids by IVF as he has sperm count problems
• I am early / mid 40
• He is late 30..
• We have been together for 16 years.
• 9 years before our 1st child.

My thinking:

• That the probability is low already to have children due to the treatment required to have them....
• Due to my age -no offence to anybody- the pre-memopause / menopause might just be round the corner... (I just have to be patient... )
• Probability to be pregnant past 40 is getting lower on any case...
• 6 months Clomid treatment which failed might have depleted my egg stock quite a bit...

Surely the probability for me to be pregnant compounded with the low sex frequency (once every 3 years), does not require me to have my tubes tied?? Or am I still unreasonable?

My proposal to him:

• lets go through a pack of 6 not 12, 6 condoms and when this is done I will go through the surgery...

His answer:

• He does not like condoms and does not want them... Therefore I should get my tubes tied and this is what everybody do...

When he mentioned again to me that I should get sterilised I told him again about the condoms and that maybe we should have sex a bit for a while (6 times) then once the box is gone, I go for the op...

He then got angry asking me how could I and how dare I saying that the lack of intimacy was due to him and that if I loved him I should know how much heartache it would take to terminate an unwelcome pregnancy considering all what it took to get our children at the first place... He then left the room, went to the bedroom to be angry for the rest of the evening..."

I think a lot of the answers posted would be very different.

I'm not even a radical feminist or anything like that but to see so many women expressing sympathy in this situation is unpleasant.

"I don't see you 6 condom scenario as "demanding" sex in return for the operation, simply an example you have used to illustrate why a vasectomy is not needed due to your current situation."

It's demanding sex. What else?