Parent living with us – fair household contributions and the legal position?

[whatsyouradvice]

We’re in England. My partner’s elderly parent lives with us and has a degenerative condition with substantial day-to-day care needs. Paid carers cover some of this, but we provide considerable unpaid support around their visits. There is also the care coordination, appointments, equipment, adaptations and extra household work.

We want to support them, but after several years of supporting older relatives, the impact on our lives is considerable. We have very little free time, rarely get away, and my employment choices are being shaped by the family’s needs.
My partners’ parent suggestion is that their contribution should cover their share of bills only, preserving their savings for future care. I understand why having money available for care matters. However, I’m concerned about keeping their living expenses low when doing so depends on substantial contributions from us, both financially and through our time and unpaid care. I’d like an arrangement that considers everyone’s needs and to take into account this huge change for us. And for me as the wife, it's falling on me more!

I’m not asking to be paid for care. I’m asking whether a contribution towards living in our home beyond their share of bills would be reasonable—for example, an additional £100–£150 a month towards household upkeep and unexpected costs.
For others who have had an elderly relative live with them:

• Did they pay rent or board - e.g. rent a room or contribute to household upkeep, or just cover bills?
• Is a contribution beyond bills legally acceptable, and could it raise deprivation-of-assets concerns if council-funded care is needed later?
• How did you agree a fair amount and record the arrangement?

Parent won't qualify for CHC as yet and gets a lower-level attendance allowance
I’d appreciate real experiences of making this fair and sustainable for everyone.

I would check with someone legally qualified. It seems wrong that they shouldn't give you some money now, only to give it to the government if they need care later (not many people deliberately save money to give the government for health/education), and if it is legitimately costing you money to have them, lawyers could advise whether it would count as deprivation of assets (I believe they can't give away money to avoid paying for care, though I'd expect most parents would prefer to give their hard-earned, already taxed money to their kids not whoever's in Number 10, but that's beside the point!)

I know this isn’t what you’ve asked but I hope they have their Power of Attorney arranged a Will.

Does £120 a month really cover all their bills. I’d be surprised if it did.

Our situation is different as my gran also contributed to the purchase of a bigger home so we could live all together. It was a gift (she isn’t on the deeds). She also pays 1/5th of all the shared household bills (doesn’t include our mortgage) which is currently £330 a month.

You’d struggle to find anywhere as a lodger less than £500-600 a month in our area so I don’t think a token fee of an extra £100 as well as the fair share of bills would be at all unreasonable. If you’re worried about having to give any back you could add it to a savings account but I doubt anyone in their right mind would consider such a small amount to be deprivation of assets.

OP can you clarify if your partner/husband had a sibling who died, but has nieces/nephews? And what will happen to MIL's estate when she dies?

I'd be concerned that you are supplementing MIL's finances at your own detriment if there are other relatives standing to inherit.

33% of all household bills (gas, electric, council tax, tv licence, contents insurance) plus the 1 bedroom LHA rate for your area in lieu of rent.

If wider family don't like it, suggest they move them into their house.

OP, my elderly mum (now passed away), lived with us for a while before she died. She used to pay us £100 a week, when she needed carers and had to be assessed for support, sending in bank statements and such to the local council, the £100 a week she paid to us for board wasnt flagged as deprivation of assets.

So you can at least do that knowing there wont be issue.

I would work out what you're giving up financially in order to provide care for them, and add on a three way split of bills (though no mortgage element, if you have one). That would be a fair amount.

They shouldn't be preserving money for future care (that may not be needed) at your expense. If you want (and can afford) to cover those costs in the future if they are needed, then you can.

How old are they? Are they quite young if they saving their money for future care?

@whatsyouradvice this case was in the news recently. A precedent has now been set! Have a read….

This is ridiculous. I calculated about 4 years ago that with DS paying £350 pm towards bills ( including meals) we were just about breaking even. That wasn't including an element for rent or contribution towards petrol/car expenses. £120 a month wouldn't make a dent in the expenses, especially once you factor in things like older people needing the heating on higher and for longer.
OP of course you can and should ask for more. There's no reason why there shouldn't be a rent element as well.

Good lord, you are being completely taken for granted OP.
It's not just about his share of the bills, where could he get alternative accommodation for that price? Most student accommodation (basically a bedroom, bathroom and shared kitchen) is in the region of £700+ a month, without food. A care home is anywhere from £2k-£6k a month depending on facilities and the level of the patient's needs.

My DM lived with my sister and insisted on paying her £800 a month which did include food and not just any food! It had to be M and S.

Her pension was £2000 a month, so that still left her £400 a week to spend on whatever she liked...in reality, she spent it mostly on her grandkids, bless her.

I think deprivation of assets assessors would absolutely feel that £800 a month is reasonable for living expenses, however please ring your local social services and ask if you need further clarification.

@whatsyouradvice Firstly one point about your pension not DHs. As a couple you may jointly have a good pension provision but have you looked at what happens to the actual income when one of you dies. As a couple the full state pension is £12,547.60 x 2 =£25,095.20. When one of you dies it automatically drops to £12,547.60. If the one who dies also has the bigger pension you can find you also lose some of that. A sudden drop in income of £12k+ a year can be a big shock. Ensuring you have a good private pension is key for your long term financial security.

WRT Deprivation of assets, reasonable living costs are absolutely fine. Paying a nominal rent on top of bills is reasonable.

I have no actual helpful advice as I have no experience. I just wanted to say well done, we see you and I’m amazed that you and countless others do this everyday. It cannot be easy and I imagine no one understands how tough it is. Just wanted to say good luck, and yes as an outsider I would say they should help with more than £120 a month as wherever else they could be will be a huge amount more. I would think more around £5-700 a month for rent and just your attendance / food / heating etc

Please get professional advice - someone suggested AGE UK who are great, but also make an appointment with citizens advice and sit down with someone. They can ensure all appropriate benefits being claimed, and how they can be legitimately used. I am ex nurse and from my experience you deserve to be helped with all the costs of supporting your relative to allow them to stay out of long term care. You and your husband to be applauded and not left out of pocket.

You have no need to feel guilty, you did right by everyone my love.

I haven't read all the other comments so someone else might have said similar. Do you have a mortgage on your property? If so, you will need permission from them for someone to live at the property who doesn't have a right to the property - an occupier's consent form. You will also have to declare the rent as income for tax purposes. If there is a likelihood that your relative will need financial support from the council in the future, the rent payment will need to be taken into account as a financial outgoing, in which case you will need a proper agreement and evidence of rent payments.

If you are wanting payment for the care and support you provide, you would either need to be employed as a PA and therefore pay income tax etc or alternatively you could look into a carer's allowance.

My suggestion would be that your relative employs carers ro take on the bulk of the caring and running around to appointments ets. I have an elderly relative living with me and their needs only increase and get harder as time goes on. If you take too much on now, you will regret it in a few years time I think. I think it's reasonable to pay towards rent and bills. Maybe someone at age concern or CAB can give guidance on the cost if this.

OP Chatgpt states that on order to avoid deprivation of assets, you can charge a contribution for the rental of a room in line with local market prices, as well as his share of utilities, household expenses, food and council tax.

Sorry have not RTFT thread….

if you are not married, you should absolutely not be sacrificing your career/earnings potential/pension for your partner’s parent. You are literally setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm! If not married/civil partners you are entitled to NOTHING if you split. Beneficiaries to pensions/insurance etc can literally be changed by filling in a form. You are in a precarious position.

I bet they don’t want to spend the savings in care as everyone has their eye on their inheritance, which your free labour is securing. Even if your partner is to benefit from this inheritance, you are not entitled to a penny of it. This has to stop and you need to put your foot down today

Also, extremely difficult to get CHC. Almost impossible.

They need to pay for respite care ... on a regular basis, either at home 24/7 or in a care home. Do not underestimate how much caring for someone will impact on your life and health!
Also, they need to pay for full at 55p per mile (government calculation) and an element for renting a room in your home (look up tax free rates on .gov website). Your husband also needs to do more of the caring rather than you.

Utility bills and food bills should be split equally with your MIL, but you can't ask for rent or contribution to a mortgage. Petrol costs for trips out too. Is she claiming attendance allowance? If so you can claim carers allowance which is about £80 per week.

I'm pretty sure that their share of the costs alone will come to more than they are paying you.

1/3 of energy - my average monthly bill for a 3 bed house with one adult & no children is around £150pm, so for 3 of you in a bigger house more like £200, so £75 there.
Increase in council tax, as you have a larger home so likely to have gone up at least one tax band - maybe around £30 more per month?
Share of food - can vary from around £500 upwards assuming £1.5k per month especially bearing in mind the additional cleaning products etc that tend to be lumped in with grocery shopping.

So at least £600 per month and likely more for the very basics, with no element for rental or your time. Add in fuel and wear and tear on the car - latest HMRC rate is now 55p per mile.

Sorry I don’t think it posted my link. If it doesn’t work again the lady is called Bernadette Roger’s if you want to google it.

Taking a slightly different tack here but following an age-old MN trope… OP, it seems like you don’t have a problem with your elderly houseguest, you have a problem with your DH.

Why is he happy to see you put-upon like this? To have a lesser pension provision? To take on all the extra emotional burden? For HIS parent!

It sounds to me like it’s time for a serious discussion about more than just your MIL’s costs. Be strong, be prepared, hold your boundaries 💐

My grandad and gran moved into my parents 4 years ago grandad had Parkinson's gran has dementia. Sadly he died over a year ago but soon as they moved in he insisted on paying £500 a month since my mum gave up work and did all the caring plus the carer benefit...Once he passed my mum had to temporary put my gran in a home while they moved house and adapted a part of it for her and for 2 months the bill was £9954...She been back at my mum's and needs even more care than my grandad did night changes, washing ,dressing, feeding etc etc and even tho the rest of us told parents to up the £500 a month that's all my mum will take towards bills and appointments etc. Fair enough her choice but she is doing a heck of a lot more than the care home did at there prices

Your partner is being rediculous,
I understand you all live in the same house so
ie heating , lights ,water etc is being used but because there there all day and older much more heating is being used daily in winter etc

The saving the 200k for later, do they not realise
the more money you have the less help you get ? The council will know you have to charge them for living at your home especially in this day and age where everything has gotten so expensive.
I would be asking for a monthly payment of £500
that’s for food & accommodation.
Also as long as appts don’t affect you on any of your plans I would be organising a befriending service to accompany them to appts when you can’t make it , and they pay.
Also more personal care appointments so you don’t have to , which they also pay for themselves

If you don’t do something in the next couple of years you will be run ragged and not fit to do it
you need breaks and they have to fund it with there pension and Attendance Allowance which I presume they get