Parent living with us – fair household contributions and the legal position?

[whatsyouradvice]

We’re in England. My partner’s elderly parent lives with us and has a degenerative condition with substantial day-to-day care needs. Paid carers cover some of this, but we provide considerable unpaid support around their visits. There is also the care coordination, appointments, equipment, adaptations and extra household work.

We want to support them, but after several years of supporting older relatives, the impact on our lives is considerable. We have very little free time, rarely get away, and my employment choices are being shaped by the family’s needs.
My partners’ parent suggestion is that their contribution should cover their share of bills only, preserving their savings for future care. I understand why having money available for care matters. However, I’m concerned about keeping their living expenses low when doing so depends on substantial contributions from us, both financially and through our time and unpaid care. I’d like an arrangement that considers everyone’s needs and to take into account this huge change for us. And for me as the wife, it's falling on me more!

I’m not asking to be paid for care. I’m asking whether a contribution towards living in our home beyond their share of bills would be reasonable—for example, an additional £100–£150 a month towards household upkeep and unexpected costs.
For others who have had an elderly relative live with them:

• Did they pay rent or board - e.g. rent a room or contribute to household upkeep, or just cover bills?
• Is a contribution beyond bills legally acceptable, and could it raise deprivation-of-assets concerns if council-funded care is needed later?
• How did you agree a fair amount and record the arrangement?

Parent won't qualify for CHC as yet and gets a lower-level attendance allowance
I’d appreciate real experiences of making this fair and sustainable for everyone.

Not yet - I've sadly had to become very familar with framework for previus parents

I’ve no idea why you would even be giving up your life and your earnings apparently for them to possibly pay an extra £100 a month.

I'm just trying to sort a fair agreement in family where we all agree.
Eventually paid in personal care or a home will be needed and parent will pay for that but day to day stuff we i imagine continue

If your DH is unwilling to ask for more money, you definitely need to show how many hours of your time are being used, those phone calls and small jobs do add up.If he still doesn't understand, can you go away for a few days and leave him to cope?! It's all very well for him to refuse the money when the impact falls mostly on you.

I hope, at the very least, they give you their attendance allowance and winter fuel allowance.

I don’t think them paying you for things you need to buy for them, taxis to appointments etc would come under deprivation of assets as it is normal living expenses. You could make an appointment with social care (don’t know where you live in UK) and find out what they are entitled to and how the system works. If they were at home they would be paying bills, food, clothes etc.

If you rent out a room to a person with learning disabilities so also need some support. Shared Lives charges £115.07 for their room per week and £37 per week towards utilities (gas, electric and water) and they pay £30 per week towards food. They also are supposed to pay 45p per mile for wherever I drive them. I also get paid so paid separately to care for them. Their room is large and they have a double bed, sofa, coffee table, 2 chests of drawers, plus sports mat and weights with large TV on wall. They have their own shower room no one else uses. Could you charge similar amounts? They absolutely should be paying for the fuel to drive them to appointments, or they could get an Uber. Let them see the cost of those. Your parent in law should be considering you are giving up your opportunity to work to care for them. Also your DH should be doing more for his parent to give you a break. I understand cooking for 3 is really no more work than cooking for 2 but their will be additional laundry your DH should do.

You mention this is your partner’s mother. I would be wary about giving up your employment and future pension to care for someone when you are not married. If you were to split up, your partner will inherit the money you have saved by doing the care and you may be entitled to nothing. Whilst you would likely succeed in making a legal argument that you are entitled to money for the care provided, it would not be a given. They are benefiting from your labour and refusing to ensure you are properly compensated in any way. Not only are you providing care but you are financially subsidising her. I would take a step back and think seriously about what is in your best interests. Perhaps also worth you seeking legal advice about potential future scenarios. It’s a nonsense to suggest paying rent would be seen as deprivation of assets. Don’t let your partner put you in a poor position that benefits him and his mother only.

Personally I think you should be compensated for your time. I think a good starting point would be whatever the tax free allowance is for a lodger £7-8k a year ish, plus a third of food bill and covering their own expenses including petrol.

I think it’s really selfish to expect People to help you for free in these cases. It isn’t free they’re just moving the burden from them to you. Your earning opportunities, free time etc. has a worth you should value them.

I’d also be really firm about free time. Get any, “needs it for the future relatives” on a rota so you can have a minimum day off once a week or have him pay for a carer companion. Four weeks respite care(at least) per year so you can get a couple of proper holidays in.

Change the narrative it shouldnt be respite / care is so expensive when you can do it free. It should be we are so grateful to you and all that you do and for helping save so much.

This sums it up perfectly.

We are married I know. He is irrational about these things

That has a considerable effect on my employment choices

This is worrying. Are you jeopardising your career, financial security and pension? Putting yourself at higher risk of a redundancy? Because someone sitting on £200k wants to hoard this money and make you look after him instead?

If I was in your place I'd find a job that suits you and your needs, not fits around care. Then make them pay for their own carers who will come more frequently. Don't be the family servant at your own expense, you matter too

I would get some help to fill in the form and reapply for the higher level attendance allowance first. Then yes, he needs to pay “rent” for wherever he lives- that just happens to be you. You could all sign a lodger agreement if it makes you any happier.

They should be paying their share absolutely and fully because ultimately what will happen is that the government will end up taking any savings they have and you’ll spend a fortune on care homes regardless of whether you pay for them or not as they’re all awful. And you need to stop sacrificing your lives now especially with employment because it’s going to have such a detrimental effect in the long run once they’re gone.

Have you applied for attendance allowance? That’s not means tested

This is my main question - I want this to be legal so that my husband sees that it is ok and not going to be deprivation of assets.
I know from experience no point ensuring parents have more mnoey to pay for care - it just gets eaten up - FYI parent is 88 yrs old

Yes just at lower level though

Allowing or pressuring you to restrict your work, income and free time to provide care for his parents while he presumably from your posts continues on as normal, and doesn’t sacrifice his career, seems calculated rather than irrational.

OP, I really don’t think you have answered the question why you are doing more caring than your husband when it is his parent.
Your husband does not want his parent to contribute more because he is not valuing your time. He might appreciate it a bit more if he did the work.

For clarity is this £120 per week or per month? Is that for their room? What about paying for their food?

There is currently a story on BBC news website about a daughter who looked after her elderly mother with dementia for two years in the daughter’s home, limiting her lifestyle in order to do this. Family were happy to pay her £50 a week bed and board. Daughter paid herself £100,000 from her mother’s estate when she died. Family disputes it. Judge awarded her £127,000. Care homes cost in the region of £1000 a week. In my opinion the daughter deserves every penny of that. You are not unreasonable to expect more financial recompense, particularly if it affects your ability to work or pay into a pension pot!

No he does help a lot - I just feel that i have stepped in more as he has no other help from family but I feel balance might shift now living with us and I work at home more and am there more

They certainly should be contributing a lot more than a share of bills. At an absolute minimum they should be compensating you for opportunities lost because of needing to care for them - your employment choices are being shaped by this and you could be earning considerably more if they were elsewhere. There was a recent court case where a daughter who had provided 24hr care for her elderly mum for 2.5 years was awarded £127,000 from her mum's estate after she died as reasonable compensation for that dedication. It doesn't sound like you are needing to give time at quite that level but yanbu to want more. However as they are already moved in it's going to be difficult to negotiate - would you ever evict them?

My DM lives with us, limited mobility but not wheelchair bound and capable of her own personal care currently (large adapted shower room has helped with this).
She doesn’t pay rent/board but when we moved here she and my sadly deceased DF paid for all the adaptations needed for them to keep their independence as long as possible.
She gives me a weekly shopping list, we buy along with ours and she pays me back. She transfers us £250 per month to cover everything else (bills, insurance, maintenance, transport etc). I don’t ask for more because I know I’m not willing or able to do personal care if she needs it, so I want her to be able to afford private daily carers if needed.
I’d personally be encouraging more being spent on reliable private carers to give you your life back, rather than more money coming to you but the expectation that you do everything still be there

month - they buy own food - they have a own room, living room, and bedroom and bathroom as we have enough rooms downstairs.