Parent living with us – fair household contributions and the legal position?

[whatsyouradvice]

We’re in England. My partner’s elderly parent lives with us and has a degenerative condition with substantial day-to-day care needs. Paid carers cover some of this, but we provide considerable unpaid support around their visits. There is also the care coordination, appointments, equipment, adaptations and extra household work.

We want to support them, but after several years of supporting older relatives, the impact on our lives is considerable. We have very little free time, rarely get away, and my employment choices are being shaped by the family’s needs.
My partners’ parent suggestion is that their contribution should cover their share of bills only, preserving their savings for future care. I understand why having money available for care matters. However, I’m concerned about keeping their living expenses low when doing so depends on substantial contributions from us, both financially and through our time and unpaid care. I’d like an arrangement that considers everyone’s needs and to take into account this huge change for us. And for me as the wife, it's falling on me more!

I’m not asking to be paid for care. I’m asking whether a contribution towards living in our home beyond their share of bills would be reasonable—for example, an additional £100–£150 a month towards household upkeep and unexpected costs.
For others who have had an elderly relative live with them:

• Did they pay rent or board - e.g. rent a room or contribute to household upkeep, or just cover bills?
• Is a contribution beyond bills legally acceptable, and could it raise deprivation-of-assets concerns if council-funded care is needed later?
• How did you agree a fair amount and record the arrangement?

Parent won't qualify for CHC as yet and gets a lower-level attendance allowance
I’d appreciate real experiences of making this fair and sustainable for everyone.

I would split the household costs 3 ways between you, DH and his parent. Then any additional costs solely for the parent to be paid for by them - eg petrol when taking them to appointments.

Sounds like looking at the specifics would help. You said there have been extra costs like household work, equipment and so on. Who's paid for those? In terms of keeping it straight re using up funds for future care costs, those are totally legitimate ways for the older person to use their money. Those costs shouldn't just be soaked up by you.

This assumption that women will shoulder such a huge caring burden is awful
i wouldn’t do it
your FIL has money
he has substantial needs - i would be suggesting eh moves to a home sooner rather than later
You will end up a burnt out husk

Why will it fall more in your? They’re DHs parent, he should take on the extra work. Just refuse to do it.

Thanks for the replies. I should clarify the financial side, as my original wording gave the impression that we are covering more direct costs than we actually are.
They pay for their own equipment, including ramps, and fund the paid carers but only 1 per week. We aren’t paying for those things. We do cover some expenses, such as fuel for journeys on their behalf for shopping, washing, life admin, cooking etc,

They also have a reasonable pension and savings of over £200,000. The concern within the family is about preserving money for future care, rather than there being no money available to contribute now.

Much of what I described is the work involved in arranging everything and providing substantial unpaid support around the carers’ visits, alongside the household work. That has a considerable effect on my employment choices and our ability to have free time or get away. I should have been clearer about the distinction between that and expenses we actually pay.

A clear breakdown of shared bills and reimbursement of expenses specifically for them sounds a sensible starting point. My remaining question is whether a modest contribution towards accommodation and ordinary household upkeep, beyond their share of bills, is also reasonable and legally acceptable. I’m not asking to be paid for providing care.

I also take the point about the caring burden. We hope to support them at home for as long as it remains manageable, but we do need proper breaks and realistic limits on what we can provide. I’m trying to find an arrangement that takes everyone’s needs into account.

Could your in-laws not get a taxi to appointments? Or hospital transport? I wouldn't facilitate everything. It will become too much.

I would be planning for care options at this point. Otherwise you will be exhausted and resentful, and your relationship with both your FIL and DH will suffer. If you count up the hours you provide care/life admin across a week you will see how much you are being taken for granted.

No very immobile and housebound - wheel chair dependant - but becuse can stand and walk a few paces with a walker not able to access support. Do get home visits for minor appointments
Its more that I dont think us providing free accommodation is fair and a £100 a month on top of bills should be considered eg rent a room scheme.

200k ? They can live elsewhere imo ..
Effectively sponging off your household...
Cheeky fuckery has no age limit I see.

They are wanting to contribute and do at the moment £120 in bills but thats not enough. Just worried about legal and future care deprivation of assets.

The parent appears unaware of the quantity of care being provided now and the impact it is having on those providing it.

Even if you don't want to be paid for care, there are lots of other costs - heating on more, washing machine on all the time, special food bought, loss of earning power etc etc.

They are aware - we are just worried about what is a fair amount - and can't agree - bills only - I think is unfair as these are lower than them living alone - so why preserve funds for care that is at a huge life change to us?

Maybe i've misread this, but i dont really think its fair that your pension, income, flexibility, outgoings, free time are impacted when im going to assume the only impact on your partner is outgoings and free time? Is that the situation?

My MIL lives with my BIL and family her mobility is limited but is mentally fine. They have adapted their home to meet her needs (for example stairlift), take her to all her appointments and their heating bills are higher. She pays rent to my BIL along with bills and this is a lot more than an extra £100 a month. I don’t think you are being unreasonable in asking for an additional contribution.

CHC is very hard to get, are you sure he would qualify? If he does, that covers the cost of care so there’s no need to hang on to £200k.

Are there siblings of dh with an eye on preserving capital who are influencing matters?

As it appears from your information you are being taken advantage of. Ime elderly people can become very “near” (in the words of Dickens) ie misers!

Thanks this was sort of advice I was looking for and legal deprivation of assets issues. My partner on my inlaw wants them only to pay bills - I think wrong and should pay £100-150 extra as rent. But my partner worried council will come back at somepoint if money runs out and say that we ran down her assests - I think this is ridiculous. We are saving her money from parent not running a house by themselves

Speak to Age UK helpline. They can use their attendance allowance to provide them support however they want, so I don't think there would be any eyebrows raised over modest sums. But best check.

Equally, their care costs will be picked up even if the £200k runs out, but you so don't run yourself ragged. You are - effectively - only putting off the inevitable and (potentially) saving some money for an inheritance.

What I would say, is if there any other beneficiaries likely to be interested in the outcome of how their parents money is spent I would keep them updated. This board is littered with stories of siblings thinking that one sibling should bear the brunt of it all, while they still inherit an equal portion of whatever is left over.

I do feel your pain though. There is a huge expectation that families can (and are willing) to take the hit on their own finances to care for the older people in their lives. And the older person is often completely oblivious to the actual costs (including lost earnings) to the family.

No sibling as passed away sadly a share of inheritnace from elders partner passing away already been provided to their children and my partner 25% each.

No sibling as passed away sadly a share of inheritnace from elders partner passing away already been provided to their children and my partner 25% each.

I think they need to pay a lot more. Is the house yours? Or are you renting? I’d say a lodger rate of £100 a week as a nominal room rate. I can’t see how that could be deprivation of assets as, if they weren’t living with you, then they’d have to rent or buy elsewhere. On top of that split all bills 3 way and add their share.

As a previous poster said, your financial future is going to really suffer via loss of earnings, future pension so make sure you point this out to anyone who says otherwise. Tell them you’re not even charging for care which is about £23 an hour in my local authority.

No sibling as passed away sadly a share of inheritnace from elders partner passing away already been provided to their children and my partner 25% each.
Thanks - my in law very happy to pay modest amount its my partner who wont take it and i disagree - why should i give up my home and life and choices to preserve funds if they are there.
I feel that I will stop my support and that any care I provide now will be funded by in law as I make beds, wash up, do cleaning, etc etc etc

Yes house ours - stretched ourselves to buy it knowing that this day would come and bought a house to accommodate them. And for last 5 years have supported every weekend to keep them as independent as possible - through dementia of parent passed away, house moves, care prviding

I wouldn’t be changing my life possibly financially detrimentally to care for someone . It’s up to people to plan their retirement/ later years without relying on others . It’s one thing to keep a caring eye on someone and totally another to be a full time carer expected to put your life on hold . As they are living with you their money needs to pay a 3 way split of costs and pay outside care needs .

Definitely need to pay more, and are willing so you should take it. As I say speak to Age UK and just get that bit of outside guidance on the deprivation of assets element - it will be ok, but may help your partners anxiety of they hear it from someone else.