Parent living with us – fair household contributions and the legal position?

[whatsyouradvice]

We’re in England. My partner’s elderly parent lives with us and has a degenerative condition with substantial day-to-day care needs. Paid carers cover some of this, but we provide considerable unpaid support around their visits. There is also the care coordination, appointments, equipment, adaptations and extra household work.

We want to support them, but after several years of supporting older relatives, the impact on our lives is considerable. We have very little free time, rarely get away, and my employment choices are being shaped by the family’s needs.
My partners’ parent suggestion is that their contribution should cover their share of bills only, preserving their savings for future care. I understand why having money available for care matters. However, I’m concerned about keeping their living expenses low when doing so depends on substantial contributions from us, both financially and through our time and unpaid care. I’d like an arrangement that considers everyone’s needs and to take into account this huge change for us. And for me as the wife, it's falling on me more!

I’m not asking to be paid for care. I’m asking whether a contribution towards living in our home beyond their share of bills would be reasonable—for example, an additional £100–£150 a month towards household upkeep and unexpected costs.
For others who have had an elderly relative live with them:

• Did they pay rent or board - e.g. rent a room or contribute to household upkeep, or just cover bills?
• Is a contribution beyond bills legally acceptable, and could it raise deprivation-of-assets concerns if council-funded care is needed later?
• How did you agree a fair amount and record the arrangement?

Parent won't qualify for CHC as yet and gets a lower-level attendance allowance
I’d appreciate real experiences of making this fair and sustainable for everyone.

You need to be a lot firmer with your husband. I would never expect to move a parent in and have my husband do the greater share of care/logistics. Point out to him how much you do, and what you are prepared to do going forwards. The parent will only get more and more infirm. It’s a massive thing having them live with you, even just the strangers in and out of your house, the appointments, the tie.

You have a DH problem.

Tell him you are returning to work full time and he will have to adjust his work to provide care for his parent.

Like fuck would I be doing it, especially with no financial compensation.

It looks to me that there is a wish to
preserve the parents assets for as long as possible at the expense of your time and labour.

And if there is any inheritance when the parent dies you have no claim on it.

Your time and labour has value, the space in your home has value and it should not be freely given away by others!

Whose idea was it to move your MIL into your home and why on earth are you sacrificing your career and pension by looking after her? Honestly, your DH either arranges more in home care for her or looks for a care home. You are being an absolute mug.

He is so so stubborn and won't listen - he needs it in legal black and white that its ok for extra small payment

OP, you need to be stubborn too.

I am very but this is a very irrational thing for him

Of course it’s okay for someone to pay for their own expenses, if he actually wanted to know that he could easily find out. It’s obviously not deprecation of assets for a pensioner to pay for their own living costs.

It seems to me you are conflating two issues: the money and your time.
There is a view that the money would be paying for your time, but I think that just muddies the waters. This is not about PIL paying you for care.

Look at the two things separately:

First: are you and DH struggling financially? Do you really need the money? Would it make a huge difference if PIL paid more, e.g. paying off your mortgage quicker or allowing you to retire? If not, forget the money.

Second: does DH do his fair share around the house? Is he picking up half the extra work? If not why not?
Have you dropped your hours at work specifically to do the caring? If so, increase your hours again and tell DH he has to drop his hours at work until you and he are employed for the same hours regardless of who is paid more. It is not fair for DH to expect you to do the caring just because his employer pays him more than you earn.

Getting a bit more money from PIL will not fix the resentment you feel towards your DH for dumping the caring onto you and not doing his share.

There’s going to be wear and tear on your house and appliances for a start.

Could you get a new job or extra hours to force the issue? Could MIL get extra carers or caring hours?

I think you perhaps need to establish your boundaries a bit more. Eg if you want to do something one weekend go and do it. Good luck

PIL wants to pay a little more than just bills - £150ish a month and knows cant' live freely at ours - she wants to help DH as he does have shortfall in pension and recognises the significant sacrifice we have made. I just think it's wrong to reduce the spending of PIL below that of them living alone for future hypothetical care needs at the expense of our needs which will quickly be eaten up - been there before.
My and DH is given freely and reduces care cost burden for PIL.
But I see your point.
Many families have to make these choices

Assume you are claiming carers allowance ?

I can't been on JSA and now going back to work so will earn too much

If your PIL lived by themselves, or went into a home, their costs would be huge. A home around my area is around 2000 a week.
They should definitely be trying to make your life easier if they wish to continue living with you. In my opinion you are amazing and selfless, but you get one life and you are important too.
i would think 500 a week would be the amount which would make a difference to you and cover the costs- it would still be a bargain for them!

A small contribution to living costs will not be seen as deprivation of assets. They cpuld also gift you £3k per annum. Contributions from unused income are zero banded and are a good way of reducing IHT althiugh their estate isn't eligible for it.

Are you claiming carer's allowance?
Could you reapply for higher rate Attendance Allowance?
Are you eligible for a motability car for them?

Look at it another way, your care is saving £50,000+ per annum. You are therefore entitled to some relief and a holiday and money should be spent on respite to keep you well.

Yeh @whatsyouradvice I know this is not what you asked (and I have no specific knowledge beyond that of others on this thread, tho the suggestion of ringing Age UK seems a good one) but this strikes me in your OP:
And for me as the wife, it's falling on me more!

Why though? “As the wife”? It’s not your parent. You have amended your working role from what you might like, or what would earn you more, or what would bring in a better pension, or all of those, to shoulder the greater burden of looking after a parent-in-law, not your actual relative, because you are a woman? No no nopity nope.

Do you want to work more or in a different role (that perhaps takes you out of the house more)? That's certainly something to discuss with DH. I agree this is an issue separate from the money.

Thanks - I just want fairness and it to be legal and a £150 ish a month on top of bills is fine - I need the legal view point and if anyone has expeience of being caught out with deprivation of assests. My husband just thinks that anythng above bills would count as this. I disagree.

My best friend’s DDad gave her £500 a week and she met all his care needs and food etc. he died 2 years ago.

There was no situating with deprivation of assets.

The father had a will and a solicitor who was the executor.

Carers allowance is not means tested for your parent. They claim it to pay for their care

Yes PIL wants to provide a gift husband wont take it. I'm ok with that its btw them but I am not sharing my home for just bills only and picking up all the extra load change in life. But I don't want it to ruin our marriage.

An extra £100 for general household wear and tear won't depreciate their assets noticeably and will make you feel better. Just ask. You can say the rhe cost of everything is rocketing, which is true.

Is this not attendance allowance? They get that.

No.

There is no way £150/200 a WEEK for everything you are contributing and subsidising would be considered deprivation of assets.

when you consider their pensions, would it even reduce assets very much?

I think yoir DH is being a bot abusobe and unreasonable. I'm an only, DH effectively is. Many years ago we ageeed he wpukd be responsible for his, me for mine. They are very old and frail now.