Parent living with us – fair household contributions and the legal position?

[whatsyouradvice]

We’re in England. My partner’s elderly parent lives with us and has a degenerative condition with substantial day-to-day care needs. Paid carers cover some of this, but we provide considerable unpaid support around their visits. There is also the care coordination, appointments, equipment, adaptations and extra household work.

We want to support them, but after several years of supporting older relatives, the impact on our lives is considerable. We have very little free time, rarely get away, and my employment choices are being shaped by the family’s needs.
My partners’ parent suggestion is that their contribution should cover their share of bills only, preserving their savings for future care. I understand why having money available for care matters. However, I’m concerned about keeping their living expenses low when doing so depends on substantial contributions from us, both financially and through our time and unpaid care. I’d like an arrangement that considers everyone’s needs and to take into account this huge change for us. And for me as the wife, it's falling on me more!

I’m not asking to be paid for care. I’m asking whether a contribution towards living in our home beyond their share of bills would be reasonable—for example, an additional £100–£150 a month towards household upkeep and unexpected costs.
For others who have had an elderly relative live with them:

• Did they pay rent or board - e.g. rent a room or contribute to household upkeep, or just cover bills?
• Is a contribution beyond bills legally acceptable, and could it raise deprivation-of-assets concerns if council-funded care is needed later?
• How did you agree a fair amount and record the arrangement?

Parent won't qualify for CHC as yet and gets a lower-level attendance allowance
I’d appreciate real experiences of making this fair and sustainable for everyone.

Not at all

I looked into this but thought as I earned wouldn't qualify - how do I find out mroe? Thanks

Having another adult who is disabled but has their own income and significant savings living with you is not the issue here. The issue is that this arrangement is impacting financially on you and your DH. A side issue is that you’re shouldering the burden of this rather than your DH.
This is what I would do - and I’m assuming that he doesn’t own a share in your house.
Total up all the household costs - everything - and charge him 1/3 of these. Total up the costs of any extras that are purely his and he should pay the full amount of that. Put yourself first regarding your job and if it means that additional carers are needed because you’ll be less available then he pays for this. Stop being a doormat!!! If he were living on his own, his outgoings would be far greater.
If he has actually contributed to the purchase of your house, this makes it much more tricky.

They have not contributed - in fact we bought a bigger house to meet this need as we planned ahead

I don't want it to ruin our marriage.

Then this is what you need to tell him.
Ask him what he would do about PIL and money and the care if you just upped and moved out and filed for divorce.

He is being extraordinarily stubborn and unreasonable. I suspect male pride - he doesn't want to take money from a female, let alone feel like his parent is still needed to subsidise him when he is an adult.
Tell him to get over himself.

Carers allowance is not the same as attendance allowance.
Help him to apply for carers allowance, my 87year old mother has it now. Her mobility is getting worse, she needs help with cleaning, tablets, food and shopping, she rarely goes out now, only to doctor or hospital visits and a weekly meal at my house.
Definitely worth applying for to cover her needs.

Then tell your partner you are going back to work full time, to work as many hours as possible, to shore up your own career, future, pension pot, etc ... as it's ridiculously unfair that he expects you to take the hit on ALL of that, and running yourself into the ground to boot, to preserve HIS parent's bank account and HIS future inheritance. He can take the hit on his career, his future, his pension pot, his time/energy running is parent around, etc

Carers Allowance is claimed by the carer, not the PIL. It isnt means tested, but the carer is only allowed to earn up to £204 per week. OPs answers indicate OP is returning to work, and will be earning over the wages threshold

If the relative was living anywhere else they would have housing costs i.e.rent. No-one is going to say that you shouldn't charge a reasonable rent.
Contact Age UK for advice

The PIL cannot apply for Carers Allowance. The carer has to apply for Carers Allowance providing all the criteria is met. The Carers can only earn up to £204 per week to be able to claim. The OP has already said she will be earning too much when she returns to work.

As PIL has 200k in the bank, I'd be looking at a couple of weeks respite in a care home so you both can have a break - it also might make PIL realise how much you do for them!

They should fund housekeeping / cleaning

I make beds, wash up, do cleaning, etc etc etc

Why?
Pay someone = they pay someone so it might be £100 a week more eg twice weekly x 2 to 3 hours ) so what? Way cheaper than care home

Get as much help as you can and keep up your work commitments to fund your pension etc

OP, if your husband’s parent wants it to be fair, and your husband’s biggest concern in potential deprivation of assets, why not have your in law pay for some legal advice on whether paying ‘rent’ on top of bills would actually be classed as deprivation of assets? That seems the easiest, cleanest, and most accurate way of answering your question instead of trying to work it out based on answers from an internet forum.

Yes I am coming to this conclusion now. I just wanted to sound it out from others.
If I get the answer will share

You have little free time - can you get PIL to pay for a cleaner, gardener, whatever else would help? Ditto for time away. My FIL had a live in carer for a couple of months after an op. I wouldn’t be compromising on my employment choices if I were you OP. If anyone is doing this it should surely be your husband as it’s his dad?

That is a ridiculously small amount. If it includes share of utility bills it should be £125 per week. That is not deprivation of assets. That's what children who reach 18 and leave the care system pay to stay in home with former foster carers. You need sharp words with your DH. His parent should pay their own way sitting on £200k.

As I stated in my post earlier, MIL currently lives with my BIL (and family) and pays “rent” along with money for bills and food. They did not get formal legal advice but spoke to a social worker who told them that everyday living costs, food, utilities, or board/rent is treated as purchasing necessary goods and services rather than disposing of capital to avoid care fees. Obviously the costs have to be reasonable. If you don’t have a link to social services you could contact age concern or citizens advice for reassurance.

@whatsyouradvicehere you go. Meant attendance allowance. Cares allowance is means tested - sorry. But you can earn quite a lot before can't claim

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

It's £204 a week net of all expenses. So travel and certain bills etc comes into it.
https://www.gov.uk/carers-allowance/eligibility

To add to my earlier post, if the money is from income (i.e pension) then fr our research it wouldn’t be seen as depravation of assets. As many PP have already said there is also the gifting allowance annually which can be used as well.
Basically DM has a pot of capital which she doesn’t touch at the moment, ringfenced for “care” whatever that might look like in the future.
In your position, she’d be spending that money on private carers which from our research is a legitimate use of the funds and even if she continued to need care after those funds ran out, we do not believe the council would have any legal claim on us or our property. Even if, by some miracle they did, this is our only residence and they can’t force living people to sell up or downsize, so any claim could only be realised once the house was sold.

The only claim they can have is on the person being cared for. No one liable for debts etc of their parents. But it might mean they end up somewhere you don't like. We ended up getting a fab place for mum but was £84,000 a year - thankfully attendance allowance, FNC & pensions covered some, and the house proceeds the rest. Meant she was v comfy and well looked after. Couldn't do it myself as have a 3 bed house and still had 2 kids at home who were doing exams (still feel guilty though).

I agree with this OP. You are providing the bulk of the care and you have obviously cut down on your paid employment in order to do this. Your partner is reluctant to charge his parent more than the tiny amount they currently pay which doesn't even cover all their costs, never mind any recompense for your labour.

ETA - amended as you have confirmed that you are married.

I think you're mixing up Carers Allowance with Severe Disability Premium.
Only a person caring for 35hrs per week can claim CA.
SDP os paid to someone on qualifying benefit for whom no-one is claiming CA.

OP, charging rent is a legitimate charge that would not be classed as deprivation of assets.
ETA Charging for care is more of a minefield but not impossible.

And for me as the wife, it's falling on me more!

I'm really struggling to get past this bit in your OP. This is your husband's parent. Why is it falling to you, "as the wife", to do more, and why are you allowing it to constrain your employment options?

Why isn't your DH stepping up more, or insisting that his parent uses their assets to pay for the additional care that is needed?