Negative, moaning elderly mum.

[OhMyGiddyAunt]

I visited my mum today - she's in her mid 80s. Tend to visit once a week or stretch it to once every 2 weeks if I've got things going on.

I just find her so negative about everything though. She moans about the same things every time and seems to find it impossible to consider the bigger picture. Eg. they have a new part time warden in the flats where she lives, mum moans about the fact she's never there ....it's been 2 weeks, the poor warden will be undergoing induction, training etc but mum can't see that. She's already decided this poor woman will be useless.

Recently she's been moaning about some friends that she used to go out with regularly for coffee, lunch etc but they go without her now. They've used the excuse of her mobility (they're much more mobile than her, she uses a rolator frame now) but I honestly think it's because she's so negative.

When she was telling me about what she said to one of them (who was making excuses about why they hadn't invited her) I wasn't surprised they've "dropped" her. I did actually say to her that I hoped she hadn't said that in that tone of voice.

How do I tell her to not be so fucking miserable and negative?

I come away from visiting her feeling drained, down and annoyed.

Sorry ....think that rant was therapy!

She sounds lonely and isolated. Do you ever take her out to do things or do you just do a curtesy visit?

Sometimes people need to be prodded, gently or otherwise, out of the patterns they've got into.
You could literally try challenging it, tell her it's getting you down, but that can become exhausting unless you can be firm enough to really push back hard.
Or relentlessly not engaging and changing the subject to something more positive.

Mines the same . Moans about everything . Must be something that happens in their 80’s .

Was she always a negative person and now this trait is just somewhat exaggerated in her? Even if so, when elderly people are losing agency and ability to shape their lives how they want, a normal reaction is to look for someone else to blame. Her life is being limited and is shrinking. That's never nice and sometimes it's even scary. Lashing out at those around her is something she "can" do. I doubt any pep talks you give her will bear any fruit. You may not be able to provide her with what she needs, but you can empathise with where she's at and perhaps understand why she's so negative. But it's difficult and draining for you for sure.

She was always active and busy when younger but with reduced mobility and age related aches and pains she's not out and about like she used to be. It's become quite difficult as her rolator frame thing is quite bulky and not easy to get on minibuses (she used to go on a lot of trips), in boots of cars etc.

She does tend to dwell on her physical ailments too - they're all age related things to be expected but she doesn't see it like that or that , actually, she's doing much better than a lot people. I try to remind her of this but it doesn't make any difference

C'mon.
I'm 70
Incessant moaning is all I've got left to look forward to.

I'm sure it doesn't help her if you are trying to get her to put her limitations and ailments in some sort of perspective by saying that others have it worse than she does. She's suffering and is restricted in what she can do, and she's unable to control that in a way she likes. Of course she's miserable. You recognise that some of her moans are over things are "age-related" or "to be expected". But that doesn't make it any less of a disappointment for her. Would you rather that she suffered in silence or just had a stiff upper lip and endured things? I know it's disheartening when someone is hurting or lonely and crying out in the only way they think they can communicate difficult feelings and you are unable to make the changes that will alleviate their situation. But if you can find little ways to help her regain some of that independence and activity she had previously that would be great. And when you can't, I'd at least commiserate with her and acknowledge her distress, not minimise it or compare it with others who might indeed by suffering much more.

Sounds like she's having a hard time. I'd hate to lose my mobility and not be able to meet friends. Regardless of it being part of ageing, it can't be nice.

It'd also hard to make conversation when there's not much going on in your life.

Can you find a shared interest to focus your conversations on, read the same book, watch the same TV show.

Sad to say that my mum is the same. Also mid eighties. Doesn't go out so we can't take her anywhere refuses to use any mobility aids. Conversation revolves around a repeated loop of political and racist rants, health issues and bitchy critiques of other people's choices. Bloody hard work. She used to be the life and soul of the party and busy all the time.

I think you need to find a physiotherapist who deals with the elderly some issues can be alleviated. Someone albeit paid taking an interest can help. There's YouTube tutorials too.

I think it's one of those situations where, if you haven't got a parent like this, then it probably sounds like I'm being mean .... but if you are in this situation, you will know how draining it is.

I would just love to hear her talk positively about someone/something for once.

I get it. Some old people are an absolute delight still. Actively interested in other people, world events, etc. And others are exhausting. You have my sympathy OP.

My MIL was like this but she physically kept going through exercise. Still wasn't the easiest person.

Look at foldout rollators for starters as that will help

I get that as my parents can be the same. It's draining.

I try and get them to go places but there are always negatives about why it's a no. I honestly think they are both depressed but nothing I can do seems to help 😞

I’ve limited the time I spend talking with mine. Especially once I realised she wasn’t moaning to my “D”B but saving it for me!
I’ve dropped phone calls down to 2-3 times a month.

My DM is 90 and all she does is moan about what’s going on in ‘the world’ and immigrants. I have to point out to her that she’s housebound (by choice) and lives in a quiet backwater where nothing happens.

The only ‘immigrants’ she ever has any interaction with are nice doctors/clinicians (over the phone occasionally) or her lovely kind neighbours when they give her a card and present at Christmas. Of course, she ‘doesn’t mean those ones…’

If it’s not that, it’s going down memory lane and reliving all the events and all the people who ever upset her in her life…😩

I sympathise - it’s utterly draining.

My advice spend less time with her.

You’ll get loads of people telling you that you can “fix” this for her if you just try x,y and z their way, but actually you can’t.

Many people are 100% committed to draining the absolute life out of the people around them, many others enable the hell out of these types of behaviour so obviously they are going to encourage others to do the same because that is valid for them. But empathy and compassion are not exhaustive. Don’t set yourself on fire that way.

Agree loneilness could be a factor.

Are there any activity groups locally she could join ? My DM loved the music group she went to. Check out local Aged UK or similar groups - my local group does coffee mornings, bridge club and Tai Chi to name a few.

My MiL is like this; we just avoid her.

I’ve got an elderly relative who’s like this and it’s the most draining thing. They can grumble on loop for literally hours without pausing for breath and they have no interest in anyone else. It’s horrible to be around and it affects my mental health. I’ve got enough problems without having to listen to that.

I agree OP that unless people are subjected to this that they don’t really understand what it’s like. I’m all for listening to the occasional moan or rant, that’s life, but when it’s constant and has gone on for years it becomes very draining.

I would attempt to tackle it once, and then leave her to it.

Explain that sadly it's affecting your own mental health, and you'll need to take a step back to protect yourself if it can't be improved.
Offer to help with any practical improvements to her life you can think of, as of course you understand she has it hard.
Unfortunately if she won't accept help, or make an effort to be less draining, you will sadly have to take a step back.

Then follow through.

I wouldn't step back from any friendship or relationship without first explaining the problem to the person. It's much easier for you not to have the potential confrontation, but not nice to her not to give her a chance to change.

I realise it must be draining. You can't fix it so I wouldn't bother trying. It will make it easier for you if you nod and agree with her, don't waste energy telling her where she's going wrong.

It is inevitable that she dwells on her aches and pains and lack of mobility, because it has limited her life so much. She may also have the start of cognitive problems, which causes you to lose your filter (which is why she snapped at her friends).

You say she is better off than other people, but she is not better off than her own self 10 years ago. She can no longer socialise with her friends and she's lonely. And things are going to go further downhill, and she knows it. It's hard for you, but it's hard for her too.

Yes it’s not inevitable so it is very depressing when it happens. DP’s mum at 86 isn’t the most riveting of conversationalists as she’s a bit repetitive these days but I would say it’s a good 80% positive or neutral which is pretty good. She will also ask questions and even remembers most of the answers. She’s widely beloved.

You can model how you’d like it to be? Joke her out of it a bit. ‘Well by my watch Mum that’s 15 minutes of negativity. How about something positive? Did I tell you that dd has passed exam X, isn’t that great? Can I pass on a message to her?’ Pretty much force her to make a positive comment and cheerlead whenever she does. Also I wouldn’t hesitate to try to review her media. If she is watching channels and reading papers that make their money from constant fearmongering and negativity - mentioning no names - I’d get her onto Talking Pictures or UK Gold (does that still exist?) and set up a subscription to People’s Friend or Good Housekeeping. It’s amazing what a difference it makes.

I do feel for her being dumped by her friends, that’s pretty miserable.

84. Op you have my sympathies. Very draining listening to it. Wont join anything. I think people expect us to suck it up. Week in week out though ....