Negative, moaning elderly mum.

[OhMyGiddyAunt]

I visited my mum today - she's in her mid 80s. Tend to visit once a week or stretch it to once every 2 weeks if I've got things going on.

I just find her so negative about everything though. She moans about the same things every time and seems to find it impossible to consider the bigger picture. Eg. they have a new part time warden in the flats where she lives, mum moans about the fact she's never there ....it's been 2 weeks, the poor warden will be undergoing induction, training etc but mum can't see that. She's already decided this poor woman will be useless.

Recently she's been moaning about some friends that she used to go out with regularly for coffee, lunch etc but they go without her now. They've used the excuse of her mobility (they're much more mobile than her, she uses a rolator frame now) but I honestly think it's because she's so negative.

When she was telling me about what she said to one of them (who was making excuses about why they hadn't invited her) I wasn't surprised they've "dropped" her. I did actually say to her that I hoped she hadn't said that in that tone of voice.

How do I tell her to not be so fucking miserable and negative?

I come away from visiting her feeling drained, down and annoyed.

Sorry ....think that rant was therapy!

I am absolutely with you on this. Our species seems to be worse and worse at 'humaning' and accepting and working with pregnancy, childhood, diasbility, old age, and anything that is not Peak Productive Phase of the life cycle.

I’m doing the same as you are - giving my opinion.

We don’t know the OP but I can give my opinion just as you can give yours, and I can also comment on other people’s posts, just as you’ve done.

Let’s remember that the OP is pretty fed up. That suggests to me that being patient and giving more of herself hasn’t brought the desired results for her or for her mother.

It would be interesting to know if people who have managed to maintain a good relationship with an elderly parent did anything in the “rich lives” ballpark when their parent was younger.

My mum is 84 but in better physical health than most people her age. She has a very active social life but this is dwindling slowly, partly due to the health (and death) of her social circle and partly, imo, because she is determined to bicker and argue her way through any social interaction. I just don’t see how my siblings and I can provide any kind of rich life. Not a chance she would do anything nice with any of us. She doesn’t like us to do anything nice even without her. I’ve never been shopping or to a NT property or a casual meal with her (been to wedding etc but not a non occasion thing). I think she’d rather gouge her eyes out than look at a sunset with us. We’ve never had a cup of tea in a cafe since I was about 7/8. We’ve never been to the cinema or even watched a film at home. I don’t think she is suddenly, or even gradually, going to open herself up to doing things with us.

I’m not stopping you having an opinion, I was responding to your comment that I was being simplistic.

My DM is the same. Criticises and complains constantly then when you call her on it she gets defensive and huffy. She moans about everything … from the way my dad walks, to the ending of books and films, to not being called “madam” in shops. It’s so draining! I try to be super positive as a consequence which is probably annoying in a different way.

Is there any hobby you can do together nothing complex: watching a programme you both like, a game. Feeding the birds, or dare i say it going to the blinking garden centre, just to give you both a distraction and something different to talk about.

Being negative is a choice - at first anyway. This would drive me potty - funnily enough its nmy younger sis and not my mum who is worst for this, complaining not only about what is/isn't happening, but also complaining about things she thinks might happen. It's very wearing. And she gets cross if you challenge her, it proves you don't see all the threats and errors (by everyone) she can see, so you're deficient too!

It definitely stems in part from anxiety - but then I'm also an anxious person, but I'm embarrassed to moan about things , so I don't.

@completelylostagain FYI I was not ignoring your question about whether or not take my mum out, I missed it as I've only dipped in and out of this the thread whilst trying to have a life.

I do take her out albeit not very often as TBH there aren't many places she wants to go, plus I also have a career, a family, friends and housework/washing etc to cram into my 2 days off a week. The last time was a trip to a Home Bargains nearby - not my idea of a fun trip out, especially as it was a new store that had just opened so I knew it would be hellishly busy but it's where she wanted to go. Shopping is probably one of the last things she enjoyed.

Answers to other questions I may have missed (from other posters who haven't got their arse in the hands about it):

• I do jigsaws with her when I visit (she always has one on the go)
• she already reads Peoples Friend, Womens Weekly etc
• TV seems to be on an endless loop of programmes like Escape to the Country etc. Never any current affairs or news type programmes
• I've tried (many times) to show her how to access lots of other channels, TV guide etc on her Freeview but she doesn't grasp it
• Same with a mobile phone - I may have secretly cheered when it stopped working. We never even got as far as texting let alone anything else
• Rolator - she insists on the one she has. I tried to persuade her to get one that is more compact when it's folded. Even when folded her current one fills the boot of my car. She lives in a small market town - shops and cafes are small with narrow doorways etc that are designed for bulky aids
• my mum is not a bad person ie. she would never wish harm on anyone but, my god, she'd certainly have a lot of negative things to say about them

Oh, and thank you to those who understand where I'm coming from.
It's hard work isn't it

I had a trick with my nana, bless her when she was alive.

She could also be negative at times but you could also have a good conversation with her.

My trick was I used to let her moan for like ten, fifteen minutes then I'd distract her with conversation about another topic and we'd have great conversations after that.

My dad used to struggle being in same room with her after a certain amount of time due to her being negative but he was amazed and actually enjoyed talking to her afterwards.

It's just about diversion, deflection and a good choice of more positive topics to distract with.

Hope it works for you.

It is hard work sometimes 😔 my mum is in her 80s, quite frail & immobile, can't see or hear very well. She does like to have a moan and talk about her ailments a lot and read me crap from Facebook most of which is just fake news 😂

All her siblings have died. Most of her friends have died or are in care homes with dementia.
I nod and sympathise and try and turn the conversation to more cheerful things. I do it because I can see how the loss of her independence and freedom has affected her and because she was a brilliant mum to us over the years. Getting old and reliant on other people is shite.

I sympathise as my Dad is like this, and is much younger. I don't think there is anything you can do except try to limit your exposure to it.

Honestly you sound like you are doing your best. It is good enough. She is not going to change at this time in her life. You deserve peace too. Just do what you can manage, don’t expect it to be positive and just keep doing your best.

My mum is 73 and the same. It’s a constant stream of which neighbour she’s currently taken against, throwing shit around the house in a temper when looking in a cupboard 🙄 and I’m either a fat arse or I’ve gone too thin.
solidarity ❤️

It's very sad to hear people complaining about their elderly parents.

Life has not been a joyride for elderly people

You don't walk in her shoes everyday

Don't forget You too will be old one day

Shame on you.

Make the effort to help and listen and complain less

I absolutely think people have a right to be like this and do understand the reasons - but you can’t be suprised why others don’t want to see you as often as you would like or support you -

Join me in the probationary period of getting in touch with one's inner curmudgeon!

Can unfortunately relate. It’s a groove they get stuck in and rarely get themselves out of. It’s exhausting constantly pointing out their way of talking and calling it what it is. My family members haven’t chsnged no matter what tactic I try so I have also given up and see / speak to them far less to save my sanity. I pray every day I don’t end up like them!!!

You can get lightweight rolators. My dad had a heavy one and getting it in and out of the boot of my car sreiously knackered one of my shoulders (rotator cuff injury). So I asked Mr Google and got a lovely lightweight one. Now I regularly kidnap him from his care home and take him to the pub....😁

I don't understand - did she die as a result of you organising "hangouts" -, it sounds like you are linking her death to you trying to get her out more?

I think it’s the effect of staring in to the void for a lot of people, at mid eighties there are few years left. Unless people are naturally optimistic I can see why it happens. A women of 91 once told me that everyone she had a long history with had died. She couldn’t share any of her memories with people that were there anymore.

I do understand because Ive experienced similar, but imagine if someone stole your mobility and independence and gave you loads of different aches and pains and it meant that you were lonely and bored all the time. Do you always tell your mum to suck it up and be grateful or have you tried really empathising with her?

OP, I read this last year and found it really interesting. You might not get DM to read it but it might reassure you that her situation is not inevitable as we age. Much sympathy to you. I imagine she is in a negative cycle that is hard to get out of. I am not sure you can fix this. Can you get someone else to visit with you sometimes to vary the conversation? She might make more effort when it's not just you and that might improve your experience a little.

lol!!! At 64 , I have my moments

I'm not sure why you think I "always tell her to suck it up and be grateful " ....you couldn't be further from the truth.

At most I've reminded her that aches and pains are inevitable as you get older
...usually after she's been to the doctors and is moaning that they've "fobbed her off" with take paracetamol/try these gentle stretches/referral to a physio ("he was useless last time") etc.

I've also very occasionally reminded her that she's in a better position than some others eg. her eyesight is fine (with glasses) so she can still sew, knit, read and watch tv .... in an attempt to remind her what she has got and what she can still do