Negative, moaning elderly mum.

[OhMyGiddyAunt]

I visited my mum today - she's in her mid 80s. Tend to visit once a week or stretch it to once every 2 weeks if I've got things going on.

I just find her so negative about everything though. She moans about the same things every time and seems to find it impossible to consider the bigger picture. Eg. they have a new part time warden in the flats where she lives, mum moans about the fact she's never there ....it's been 2 weeks, the poor warden will be undergoing induction, training etc but mum can't see that. She's already decided this poor woman will be useless.

Recently she's been moaning about some friends that she used to go out with regularly for coffee, lunch etc but they go without her now. They've used the excuse of her mobility (they're much more mobile than her, she uses a rolator frame now) but I honestly think it's because she's so negative.

When she was telling me about what she said to one of them (who was making excuses about why they hadn't invited her) I wasn't surprised they've "dropped" her. I did actually say to her that I hoped she hadn't said that in that tone of voice.

How do I tell her to not be so fucking miserable and negative?

I come away from visiting her feeling drained, down and annoyed.

Sorry ....think that rant was therapy!

When I referred to an hour or so I meant for the duration of a visit : also we are all hopefully going to reach old age so we are going to get there. ( some of us don’t like my own and husbands mum)

Like you I have had lots of elderly people in my life some were a joy to visit ; others sometimes it could be a chore but I managed to get through none of us know how we will be when we are elderly due to physical or other limitations.

I am very sorry and sad what you and your family went through growing up but the op and other posters haven’t indicated their mums have had mental health problems. Only that they find it hard to deal with their parents who have gotten older and now are complaining which unfortunately some elderly people tend to do obviously not all of them. same as people of all ages.
So I am not simplifying mental abuse
Going by your post it seems like your mum unfortunately had problems all her life not just in her old age which is very hard for all involved
i have had experience of dealing with family who have had mental health problems and at no point posted abuse about children being abused by mentally ill parents

The thing is, the NHS is hopeless at diagnosing things like Borderine Personality Disorder or even considering it - I've pleaded with my mum's GPs to look into it because she ticks every box but they just carrying on treating her as a PTSD case because she makes up fake traumas that never happened. There's a lot of BPD people about and when I see other people on here talking about their parents having very similar traits, I start to wonder if it's other people that also have BPD but they don't have a clue as don't their long suffering offspring.

I think I just want people to mindful that it could be undiagnosed and very challenging mental health conditions at play.

Unfortunately mental health is very poorly served by the NHS it has been for years
Their are lots of reasons when people age why it becomes difficult for families to negotiate how to react

Their world gets smaller because they cannot physically do things they once found easy : they loose friends so their social circle gets smaller and so things that busy people ie their children who have to worry about work bills children etc don’t have time to consider becomes bigger part of their lives and unfortunately they have a “ moan”

Also there is the possibility of,depression,early dementia and Alzheimer’s to consider although thankfully this is not always the case and in your case your mum’s problems. Sometimes it is just there personality where other manage to keep there love of live and sense of humour whatever life deals them others don’t

As someone said “ old age is not for the faint hearted” and dealing with someone who is finding ageing difficult when you have a busy life yourself is wearing

I hope things get sorted for you and your mum gets the help she needs.

Some visits are longer for an hour especially if tasks are involved and some of us have dealt with abuse from our mothers for many decades. So an hour or two feels intolerable. Lovely that you managed to get through it - not everyone is the same.

Yes no one knows how they are going to be but it is not a given that someone has to be moany, groany, cruel and horrible (like my DM).

Should be their love of life

I get it's annoying, but how cheerful do you think you would be in her position? Losing mobility and independence which is only going to worsen, lonely and then being effectively told to count your blessings?

I’m well aware some visits last more than an hour believe me I’ve had to do plenty of tasks while listening to an elderly person complaining about various
ailments etc and no I would never have called it lovely but I managed it.

I also never said anyone should accept abuse but if it’s just general moans and groans not cruelty then that’s a different matter.

It’s context too, isn’t it? I can only tolerate a very small amount of my “D”M moaning. As she is at a distance, I see her a handful of times a year and have no interest in increasing visits. But I have to fit even those visits around having children at primary school and a demanding full time job (think managing large and complicated team).

Whereas when she was my age, my “D”M was working two half days a week in a job involving very little responsibility and had a lot of free time.

It is possible to be cheerful in that position. My grandad was. He was immobile, could no longer go out except for appointments, had cancer, yet he was cheerful and always counting his blessings saying how lucky he was. He was so inspirational.

Well my Mum's mum, despite spending her last few years virtually bedridden after a series of strokes and other issues, managed to be positive and cheery.

Visits to her involved seeing her laugh, smile and interact with her children, grand children and great grandchildren.

There's none of that with my mum. It's hard to even have a 2 way conversation

There's none of that with my mum. It's hard to even have a 2 way conversation

I think it’s very difficult to imagine what it’s like having a disordered relationship with your mum when you have a completely normal one so that’s why people are saying normal things like “watch tv together”, “make an effort to chat”, “take her on an outing”, “go for a drive and watch the sunset” etc. This is what normal people do. Apparently. I don’t do any of those things with my mum. I never have and I never will. I totally get it but I can see why others don’t because their suggestions are utterly basic and normal mums wouldn’t push back against it. My mother is elderly now but when she was 50 and I was 20 it was the same. I’m just trying to have a better relationship with my kids than she had with us but you do carry baggage forward.

Count yourself lucky you’ve got a mum. But also, My dad had a stroke, we had to move to fit him in so I could be his carer. Selfish old man isn’t the word. Not what I imagined for my 50’s and god know how many years to come. It’s been 3 years and I’m worn down. Would have been ok if it had been my mum, but a selfish dad who never did a thing for anyone but himself is taking the mick. Enjoy that you haven’t got to be her carer, yet, as that could be next!

I don't get the "count yourself lucky you've got a mum" comment. If having a mum means constant mental abuse and suicide talk then there's nothing to feel lucky about trust me. We'd honestly be relieved if she finally did herself in. Would you say to Rose West's kids, count yourself lucky you had a mum? It's guilt tripping people into feeling they must be lucky to have a mum to abuse them!

Why do you do it, then?! I wouldn't have done that. Why be a martyr?

Easy to comment if you have an easy family. Sympathies. Its difficult. The negativity grinds you down thank god I live a bit away. Its tiring.

Well stop caring for him then. Nobody is obliged to care for an elderly parent!

I do think negativity can be a bit of a habit, once you start complaining it just becomes the default setting. My DM is like this sometimes, especially on the phone when i just get a list of complaints about the world/the neighbours/what the daily mail have told her is to blame for everything etc etc

When she does the same to my brother, he just interrupts her and says as cheerfully as he can "right, you've told me three miserable things, tell me something happy now" which can help to snap her out of it.

Surely people who have lost their dads could say to you that you should count yourself lucky that you've got a dad. However, it would be a pretty crass thing for them to say to you as your dad is selfish and ungrateful. Therefore I'm really baffled about why on earth you think it's OK to tell OP that she should count herself lucky to have a mum when her mum is obviously difficult too.