Negative, moaning elderly mum.

[OhMyGiddyAunt]

I visited my mum today - she's in her mid 80s. Tend to visit once a week or stretch it to once every 2 weeks if I've got things going on.

I just find her so negative about everything though. She moans about the same things every time and seems to find it impossible to consider the bigger picture. Eg. they have a new part time warden in the flats where she lives, mum moans about the fact she's never there ....it's been 2 weeks, the poor warden will be undergoing induction, training etc but mum can't see that. She's already decided this poor woman will be useless.

Recently she's been moaning about some friends that she used to go out with regularly for coffee, lunch etc but they go without her now. They've used the excuse of her mobility (they're much more mobile than her, she uses a rolator frame now) but I honestly think it's because she's so negative.

When she was telling me about what she said to one of them (who was making excuses about why they hadn't invited her) I wasn't surprised they've "dropped" her. I did actually say to her that I hoped she hadn't said that in that tone of voice.

How do I tell her to not be so fucking miserable and negative?

I come away from visiting her feeling drained, down and annoyed.

Sorry ....think that rant was therapy!

How sad that it’s draining, that your limited socially, pain suffering mum moans to you.

I’m several decades younger and often ache like the devil, and although married with children, have no one who is interested in me or my aches and pains really.

Imagine being stuck with my TV for company and having the temerity not to be full of the joys of spring.

Still it could be worse.

I hope this was an attempt at irony.

Shocking really if not

Don't agree with that. A husband, unless he has some sort of life-limiting condition that is continually and incrementally restricting what he can do for himself, would have no justifiable reason to constantly moan about everything. He would be expected to be able to "look on the bright side" and "pull his socks up". And therefore, it would be reasonable to question whether the wife should have to stay with him. A parent, who is facing the onslaught of old age with its concomitant decline in terms of agency over their lives and a shrinking of their world, is in a very different position. Telling a child to go no contact with a parent in such a situation is really very cruel. While accepting that the parent is doing the moaning for genuine reasons will not make them easier to be around, but it may make it easier to have some empathy for them and their situation. One day every one of us will likely (if we are lucky enough to live that long) be in such a situation.

Yes I think that’s exactly it - many will cope with it and in good grace, but the fact is for many trying to juggle all kinds of things including work, it is wearing -

I've only read your op. Will read the rest of the thread later. Totally get the moaning, negative, it is very draining. A lot of casual racism which is fairly new but i loathe. But I had super-peak yesterday. Didn't know what to say. I am taking a course and met someone who co incidentally lives very close to my parents. There is an event coming up and I mentioned that I might ask to share a lift with my friend and their family. It would save me a long drive. Happy to share petrol, tolls etc. My mum said that she was surprised that my friend's family hadn't been to check in on her as she lives alone. I haven't even met the family yet and of course they might say no to the lift. They work full time so only see my friend evenings and weekends. Such a peculiar response from my mum, but it is the self-centering that happens later in life. Dreadful.

...reminded her that she's in a better position than some others eg. her eyesight is fine (with glasses) so she can still sew, knit, read and watch tv .... in an attempt to remind her what she has got and what she can still do

That doesn't work, in the same way that posters saying 'at least you still have a mother' doesn't work.

I’m always surprised that by the time you’ve lived on this planet 80+ years it’s surely enough time to work out that it takes no more effort to be positive and upbeat than it does to be negative and moany. So why choose the latter?

My late MIL was like this. She sucked the life out of everyone who came near her. She hadn’t learned that if you want people to spend time with you then be the sort of person that people want to spend time with. It’s not difficult!

Yes, once I realised that mine was moaning at me, but not at my DB or her friends (as far as I’m aware), I realised it was a choice she was making.

What are you on about? I never said go no contact?

You said if "you wrote this post about your husband, most would say LTB!
When it’s a parent, it can seem alien to people who haven’t experienced it."

The assumption is that if you MNetters would advise a poster to leave a moaning husband, it shouldn't be an "alien" concept to also leave a moaning parent.

If that's not what you intended to mean, what does that mean?

I used to refer to my Mum as Eyore in my head, it helped at the time.

Strangely now she has more advanced dementia she doesn’t remember to moan and complain, really quite cheerful.

If you don’t have a parent that moans the behaviour is alien to you as you don’t have a moaning parent.

I did not say go no contact. Wierd you think I did.

So why did you juxtaposition that with your previous sentence about LTB if there is absolutely no connection?

Baconandonions · Today 21:35
I understand.
It can be awful.
I have a very elderly relative, generally very fit and very healthy. Although does have, some age related mobility issues. Wonderful life. Lots of trips, lots of visitors, plenty of money, lovely home.
MOANS. All.The.Time.
Nothing is good enough. EVER.
It was impacting my own mental health so I pulled back and now outsource where I can rather than doing everything myself for free.
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Baconandonions · Today 21:37
I meant to add ** that is you wrote this post about your husband, most would say LTB!
When it’s a parent, it can seem alien to people who haven’t experienced it.
It can be soul destroying.

I 100% empathise. My 89 year old mum is the same, I love her but she drains the energy from me, is a proper mood-hoover. I take her out every week-she refuses to go out with anyone else; won't even get a taxi. Brother rocks up twice a year and is the golden boy.. He's the only thing she isn't negative about!
The only thing I can do is tell myself I should cherish her while she is still here. It's hard though.

Your poor mum. Largely trapped at home, she’s bound to be miserable and you’re the only one she can share it with. It may be that she feels more vulnerable without a warden.
Are there lunch clubs with volunteer drivers? Other groups you could get her to attend? A mobility scooter might get her out. You could take her out? It’s summer-this week. Take her to your home once a fortnight?
Older parents looked after their children for years and stood by you through teenage angst when they were busy working. It’s not much to ask that you try to help her.

Not going to defend myself to someone so lacking in empathy and imagination.
You're lucky you don't understand what I'm saying (stupidity really acts as a shield from reality sometimes, doesn't it)

My mum has been like this since she was in her 60s, now approaching 80. Her health has declined, but she’s always been miserable!
People who have “good” parents can’t understand that there are “bad” parents. Not deliberately; they are the result of what their lives have done to them. However, they choose either to believe that they are happy with their lives, or are too scared to change. Only my SIL and my BF get how difficult my mum is. Even DP struggles, as although he has a nightmare ex who isn’t a good mother, his own mum is.
Good luck with whatever you decide. You are allowed to do what is right for you and your family,

I believe my 74 year old mum has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder and she is bloody hard work, she thrives on conflict and falling out with everyone and she can be very cruel and narcissistic.

My mum is very negative and refuses to do anything to improve her life despite being active and mobile enough to do so. I buy her dvd players and boxsets and she won't even use them, she won't get internet or decent cable TV, she refuses to grasp using a mobile phone which is not ideal because the NHS has made her a benzodiazepine addict for the last 40 odd years and her metabolism is slowing with age and these drugs are causing her more issues including bad falls. I work full.time, live 36 miles from her and have recently been diagnosed with fibromyalgia so have my own life to concentrate on - I totally empathise with you OP x

My mum was exactly this. Died at 90

This sort of comment is unhelpful. My mum was exactly the same, drove us crazy for years, we always visited, took her out, did all sorts of things you can’t imagine the struggle till you’ve lived through it. And she always told people she’s hadn’t seen anyone when in fact she had. It’s an age thing. Extremely difficult to stay calm but we managed it and miss her now she’s gone. I still don’t miss the constant pressure to go over there to see her as ‘no one has been’ she also refused mobile phone, internet tv etc etc etc. basically made life very upsetting for us all when we tried so hard

Some mum's don't want to be helped and don't want to improve their lives, my mum puts obstacles in front of absolutely everything and has done since my dad died 10 years ago, she likes to torment people such as making nonchalant suicidal statements and then refusing to a swer phones to people just to try and make them fret that she's done it! Some of these elderly parents are devious people that will screw you over mentally if you don't self protect.

That's true but @BettyJoanPerske is trying to be supportive to OP, while you are criticising her. Maybe you had a closer relationship with your mother or maybe she wasn't as negative and draining as OP's mum.

So much this.
I'm 54, my mum has been awful my whole adulthood- meltdowns, entitlement, childish behaviour- all so very draining
When I was 24, she visited me in my city (far from her) and performed her usual histrionics. A friend happened to call round and witnessed it- he was completely appalled and refers to it quite often
At the time I was mortified that he'd seen her in action, but now I'm glad that he did as people really don't understand how destructive a shitty parent can be
I honestly wish I'd cut contact with my mother then- instead I live in fear for the future and have been dogged by misplaced guilt and obligation my whole life
I hope you find a way with your mum, @FatParrot (and OP)
Do you have any idea what you're going to do going forward?
My mum has just turned 80- she's in good physical shape and her entitlement remains wholly intact! She has a husband who I feel is on borrowed time physically- he's also leaned on people heavily and without compunction his whole life- (including his poor daughter)
Solidarity to OP anyway and all of us who don't have the luxury of good or even neutral parents

You do realise that it is a legal requirement for parents to look after their children for years, including through the difficult teenage years? There is no legal requirement for adult children to help and care for their ageing parents, although many people do this through love, gratitude or a sense of duty

I have read many heartbreaking posts from posters who are providing hands-on care to difficult and ungrateful elderly parents who gave them an abusive childhood. Difficult parents don't automatically turn into hard-done-to saints when they become elderly.

My understanding is that the purpose of the Elderly Parents board is provide a listening ear and support for posters dealing with their, often difficult, elderly parents. Sensible suggestions that worked for other posters are welcome, scolding, berating and guilt-tripping the OP are not.