Negative, moaning elderly mum.

[OhMyGiddyAunt]

I visited my mum today - she's in her mid 80s. Tend to visit once a week or stretch it to once every 2 weeks if I've got things going on.

I just find her so negative about everything though. She moans about the same things every time and seems to find it impossible to consider the bigger picture. Eg. they have a new part time warden in the flats where she lives, mum moans about the fact she's never there ....it's been 2 weeks, the poor warden will be undergoing induction, training etc but mum can't see that. She's already decided this poor woman will be useless.

Recently she's been moaning about some friends that she used to go out with regularly for coffee, lunch etc but they go without her now. They've used the excuse of her mobility (they're much more mobile than her, she uses a rolator frame now) but I honestly think it's because she's so negative.

When she was telling me about what she said to one of them (who was making excuses about why they hadn't invited her) I wasn't surprised they've "dropped" her. I did actually say to her that I hoped she hadn't said that in that tone of voice.

How do I tell her to not be so fucking miserable and negative?

I come away from visiting her feeling drained, down and annoyed.

Sorry ....think that rant was therapy!

As my late father said all you have is your memories when you get to a certain age . It’s about seeing it from their point of view . When your parents die it’s so heartbreaking and you don’t want to have any regrets . To me it’s about doing your best for them . We could all be in the same position one day !

This is a very astute post, genuinely empathetic- you've obviously been there!
I know it wasn't to me but it's a massive help to read.

No, I am saying we had a good time and it is not forever

Mine is the same. Mid eighties and everyone/ thing is out to get her...the BBC, the council, bin men, British Gas, etc etc. I blame the Daily Mail ( her newspaper of choice). Reading that every day is enough to put anyone in a doom loop.

Mine is the same 💐

You sound a pretty ok person to me and I totally get how you feel - thing is you can feel yourself become miserable and agitated yourself if you get it every time and that’s not fair - I know some seem to feel we all have to cope with it as we too will be like that but it’s not inevitable - my FIL at 86 repeats stuff and yes moans more than he did and his politics to me are not mine- but on the whole he’s still fun and kind

My grandma got like this at a similar age. It may be worth if you can to get her a GP assessment for possible onset of dementia ? Sorry OP it’s very draining and upsetting ❤️

Thats not great behaviour. Its really condescending and unempathetic.
So what if its inevitable? Its her first time. And the you should be grateful attitude is dire.

We have sometime like this in our family, I feel for you. It’s really sad, especially when you try and do/suggest nice things and are met with negativity. We haven’t found a solution.

Hoping to find suggestions by reading further!

She does tend to dwell on her physical ailments too - they're all age related things to be expected but she doesn't see it like that or that , actually, she's doing much better than a lot people. I try to remind her of this but it doesn't make any difference

maybe try empathising with her instead of telling her she’s lucky, as my dad used to say ‘just because you’re old, doesn’t mean you smile as your body falls apart and are ready to leave this earth!!’

In years to come we’ll all fully get it

I understand, I had similar with my mum before she passed.

Personally (and your circumstances may be quite different) I found that finding something I could do for her, or somewhere I could take her, helped. Its the little things that are so important when you feel lonely and unable to do for yourself.

For example I would get an "afternoon tea gift" delivered and then share with her, or if would ask her if she wanted me to be her personal shopper - I'd go into town and pick up a few items of clothing (eg a cardigan or top that she wanted) and take them back for her to try on. What didn't work I'd take back the following week. Find a craft fair or national trust house or something she wants to visit, organise hiring a mobility scooter, and take her out for the day/afternoon. More than anything my mum wanted my time than anything else.

Hth

Edited because autocorrect

Mine is like that. 85 and still quite active (unlike her friends who are either mentally or physically incapacitated which does induce a lot of moaning from her…)

I have quite a good relationship with her and take her out a fair bit. We managed the Chelsea Flower show this year.

Took a lot of planning in advance until she was happy. We stayed up the night before and over dinner she was fretting about something…

I snapped (slightly…) and said ‘Barring a flood, fire or pestilence- which I have no control over- we have everything organised and this is supposed to be FUN!’

She laughed and said ‘Thank you for organising all of this, and you need to remind me that the world is less scary than I think it is… I just get in my head too much and you’re right… this is FUN’

I just think that they have FAR too much time to ruminate on stuff.

If she ever wibbles… I just bark ‘FUN’ at her 😁

Would it be possible to get your mother a mobility scooter? My aunt (90 living in her own house) and my FIL (96 in sheltered accommodation) have both experienced new leases of life and enjoyable times outdoors since they acquired them. Most people in FIL’s flats seem to have one - they’re all kept on charge in a dedicated garage.

I hear you OP
I love mine to bits but at the moment, she is draining me of every bit of patience I have. I’m genuinely done in with every single nit picking negative comment.

My lovely mum had a very hard time and sad life,domestic violence, health issues, arthritis and finally dementia and never complained. I believe its a choice although the complainer probably doesnt realise that. You can only do so much - a therapist friend of mine, told me once when i was talking about a difficult person, to rant with them rather than fight against it.
Good luck!! Look after you.

🤣🤣🤣 my sister and I say this!

I don't think there's much you can do to change her. That's how she relates to the world these days, and it probably also relates to your attitude (I don't mean this in a negative way!). I have a friend who just endlessly ribs their mum about it (Mum doesn't realise), and I have friends who just put up with it - often spending less time with them if it gets too much. It's their coping mechanism.

Goes to show it is not the prevail of the elderly by any means to be draining and manipulative.

@OhMyGiddyAunt my mother is 85 and she is the same. She was really struggling in our family home which was crumbling around her so when I moved away, I found a bungalow close by and invited her to move nearer to us (for our convenience really). It saves us a long drive. my husband and I do a lot for her and I do get that she’s becoming less mobile, but she is becoming more and more negative and woe is me! She never stops going on about how everything was better when she was younger, which is objectively not true, but I get that it’s ‘golden youth memories’! She was always so much fun. We very much had the same sense of humour and laughed a lot, but now I’m dreading spending any time with her. She has a modern bungalow with everything geared towards her mobility issues. my husband and I do all her diy, decorating, gardening and shopping. We have her round for dinner at least once a week and I often go round and cook her dinner for her at her house. Walk her dog every day as well as ordering anything she needs including organising tradesmen to sort out any problems. But still, there’s always something not quite right and sometimes I have to just turn away from her so she doesn’t see the annoyed look on my face. I do get snappy with her from time to time and then feel very guilty afterwards. I can see the hurt looking on her face when I do occasionally snap. I know she hates getting old. I know she’s in pain. I know she’s frustrated because she can’t do the things she used to do and she’s lost her independence because of it, but oh my God, there are times I could scream. We are only human OP!

I'm sorry there's so many of you in a similar situation.

I knew it was a risk posting as so many people have lost parents and would do anything to have them back. My post wasn't meant to diminish or be dismissive of your loss.

I posted when I did as I just felt so down and drained after a visit and couldn't shake it off. I've felt pretty down about it all weekend TBH.

I will try to introduce something something new or different to my visits. I might look into some tv programmes we can both watch so I can instigate small talk about them.

I've come to the conclusion that my DF actually ENJOYS complaining. If a new neighbour moves in year him he's practically giddy excitement at the new things to moan about.

I understand.

It can be awful.

I have a very elderly relative, generally very fit and very healthy. Although does have, some age related mobility issues. Wonderful life. Lots of trips, lots of visitors, plenty of money, lovely home.

MOANS. All.The.Time.

Nothing is good enough. EVER.

It was impacting my own mental health so I pulled back and now outsource where I can rather than doing everything myself for free.

I meant to add @OhMyGiddyAunt that is you wrote this post about your husband, most would say LTB!

When it’s a parent, it can seem alien to people who haven’t experienced it.

It can be soul destroying.

dear OP, thank you for hanging on in there with your mum.
She sounds like seriously hard work.
I try so hard not to be that sort of mum.
I'm seriously knocking on, officially old.
My beloved only DC lives with my DSIL and DGS in another country.
I am v lucky to be in health (AFAIK) and living independently.
I deliberately nourish an active social/cultural life - as a matter of necessity.
I have experiences of a mother and then, latterly, also a half-sib who were both lonely, needy and psychologically under-resourced..

It wasn't fun and,in both cases, I found it very hard work.

I'm sure your work with your mum is even harder than what I experienced. You're doing really well. All good wishes to you. Strength, love and fortitude. xxxx

Re the rollator, could you get her a second folding one? My granny prefers her non folding for day to day because it's steadier but had a folding one for if there was somewhere she wanted to go.

And on the TV we have had success with written instructions on pieces of A4.

I do understand the pain though, it's utterly exhausting when they are relentlessly negative.