Negative, moaning elderly mum.

[OhMyGiddyAunt]

I visited my mum today - she's in her mid 80s. Tend to visit once a week or stretch it to once every 2 weeks if I've got things going on.

I just find her so negative about everything though. She moans about the same things every time and seems to find it impossible to consider the bigger picture. Eg. they have a new part time warden in the flats where she lives, mum moans about the fact she's never there ....it's been 2 weeks, the poor warden will be undergoing induction, training etc but mum can't see that. She's already decided this poor woman will be useless.

Recently she's been moaning about some friends that she used to go out with regularly for coffee, lunch etc but they go without her now. They've used the excuse of her mobility (they're much more mobile than her, she uses a rolator frame now) but I honestly think it's because she's so negative.

When she was telling me about what she said to one of them (who was making excuses about why they hadn't invited her) I wasn't surprised they've "dropped" her. I did actually say to her that I hoped she hadn't said that in that tone of voice.

How do I tell her to not be so fucking miserable and negative?

I come away from visiting her feeling drained, down and annoyed.

Sorry ....think that rant was therapy!

Exactly. I personally am happy to care for my mother, because we have a great relationship. That doesn't mean that I think that all old people are automatically entitled to care and devotion from their adult kids.

For me, this is a family member.

I do care about her, even if that doesn’t always come across clearly in how the conversations sound at times. The main issue is the expectation that has built up.

She has four carers, but often says that only one of her children really makes an effort. That’s where it becomes confusing. Other family members have offered to help taking her out, doing shopping, or going with her to things like the hairdresser but those offers don’t always seem to be accepted or valued in the same way.

Instead, there seems to be an expectation that now she is over 80, the family should be available all the time, almost like they are there to wait on her.

Part of the problem is that, over the years, she hasn’t really made much effort herself to support others in the family. Her social focus has mostly been phone calls with friends, rather than giving much back in terms of time or help. But now there is a stronger expectation that the family should come together around her needs.

Something similar happens with neighbours. There seems to be an expectation that people on the street should come and talk to her regularly, even though she hasn’t really built up much of a relationship with them over time.

When you try to explain a different point of view or challenge something she says, she often shifts her position or changes the argument rather than sticking with one clear point, which makes it hard to resolve anything.

I do love her. She can be very frustrating at times,

I agree Jane - we have an elderly relative who is incredibly wealthy and living in squalor in a totally unsuitable setting because at almost 90 he’ll not spend money - and he’s not far off a millionaire - never married ( they are only after your cash) never had kids - so. Any suggestions have been made over the years to help make life more comfortable and easy - all ignored - and was rude enough to say to us in a general conversation when we were saying that Brexit would hugely affect our business- ‘so be it - you will just have to do something else!! ‘ so my personal view now is ‘stuff em ‘ and we don’t bother - this is FILs brother.

Totally get you. Mine's the same with the added joy of being a narcissist.

We had to have a very frank chat with her as she was losing friends and family every other week. She totally didn't accept it was her issue but did recognise that whatever it was, she was losing out. It came down to - did she want to be right or did she want to have the things that were disappear - friends, social life, visitors etc.

We made it clear it was a choice and up to her.

I personally also made it clear that as soon as the negativity, bitching, moaning etc starts, I will be leaving / ending the call etc. At the begining, I'd give 'warnings' eg 'im not interested, change the subject or I'm leaving ' etc. It took her a while to get it but I was firm. I'd just get my stiff and leave or say 'im hanging up now, feel free to call me back if you want to talk rather than main and jangle'. It worked . Took a while. She slips back sometimes and I just say 'not interested, change the subject' and she knows I'm about to out the phone down.

Obviously she moaned and bitched about me and what a terrible daughter I am to anyone who'd listen, but I'm ok with that.

The sad reality is that her negativity will probably stay but also needs to learn to manage it.

Be honest. Tell her how draining it is and how it makes visiting a chore rather than a happy catch up. It may mean you end up having less contact. I see my mum maybe 3 to 4 times a year (usually with other people around) and we speak maybe once a month. She texts. If it's anything remotely negative, I simply don't acknowledge it at all

Its hard MadMad we have same. Quite negative at times. Didnt like neighbour but he great when lifts needed lol. Dont do holidays for these reasons. Its exhausting though

She is lonely and isolated, she does nothing so has nothing to talk about. Why don’t you visit more often and take her out.

Not the OP but my Mum won't leave the house and I work full time so not possible.

I work full time, I have a family, I have a house and garden to maintain (no cleaner or gardener), I have friends .... none of these seem to get the attention they deserve as it is!

My DM was like this - thought things were bad when they were not really - in the end she had genuinely poor health and could have done much more in the few years beforehand. Makes me sad.

MIL now the same - angry and depressed at her poor health every time she has the cold and so negative - treats DH and I badly every time. I pity FIL- I play secret negativity bingo with her awarding points every time she's negative and deliberately mention positive things to see if she counters with a negative comment. Said to DH that one day she may unfortunately know what poor health actually is.

It's often not that easy, I live a 72 mile round trip from my mum and I work full time. I spend a Saturday with her once a month and haven't got the time or every to do it any more than that especially if she is going to sit there being morbid about dying and trying to play all of us in the family off against each other.

My mum uses her dog as obstacle to justify not going anywhere or doing anything - the dog doesn't have separation anxiety though, it's all in her head that she can't leave him at home and go out.

I mean the most critical thing I said was that OP could step up and help, that’s a suggestion not an order, despite the poster you mentioning accusing me of ‘bossing people about’ - I never said anything wrong, of the suggestion I made doesn’t suit that up to OP. I wasn’t being critical of OP, some people are far too sensitive. It’s fine for OP to read and think ‘no I do enough’ and that’s it.

Goodness me.

Don't be disingenuous. Your tone was very hectoring and unsympathetic, and it totally read like a guilt trip. I'm not the only person to have noticed it. If you're going to be bossy, at least own it.

Oh go away. You sound like a 4 year old telling people they are being bossy.

Are you not able to have a mutually respectful, adult conversation, without resorting to telling other posters to ‘grow up’ or ‘go away’?

Thought not.

That poster I was responding to started the name calling: I was ending it. That's far more mature and adult.

Shame on you.

Growing old does not automatically make someone right, kind, or easy to live with. We can have compassion for an elderly person's struggles while also acknowledging the impact their behaviour has on others.

The reality is that some adult children spend years caring, listening, helping, and making allowances. They often know their parent's circumstances far better than outsiders do. Saying "you don't walk in her shoes" cuts both ways. We don't walk in the shoes of the son or daughter either.

You'll be old one day is not an argument for tolerating mistreatment. Respect should flow both ways. Age deserves dignity, but it does not excuse criticism, manipulation, guilt-tripping, emotional neglect, or unreasonable demands.

Many people who express frustration with elderly parents are not complaining because they are selfish. They are exhausted, hurt, grieving the relationship they wish they had, or carrying responsibilities that others don't see.

Compassion is important. But compassion should extend to caregivers and adult children as well as to elderly parents.

Try reading the thread. It really helps.

Dad in his mid 80s is better than most parents on this thread, but definitely has a tendency to negativity. He is constantly reading the news (bbc or times) which doesn’t really help. We refer to Operation Relentless Positivity. We are all fine and enjoying life. All the time. Even when we aren’t. We never get ill (sniffles get translated into pneumonia). He’s just announced he’s coming to stay for a week next month…I’m going to try and organise a couple of things… trip to RHS garden, lunch with family friend etc. it’s not so much negativity in his case that drives me mad (I too like a whinge about “that bloody idiot in America..” but the repetition. I know he can’t help it but it’s so boring, and attempts to distract are not welcomed….”Just let me finish…”

Good luck OP. I hear you. Check out the cockroach cafe on here. You’ll get a much more understanding audience.

And yet the majority of posters on this thread have come on to have good old moan about their mothers having a moan
I get it’s hard and draining to listen to but couldn’t you just switch off for a hour or so we’re all going to get there one day

You have to be joking. How about you give it a rest, stop being so sanctimonious, and listen to what people are saying?! If you speak to people IRL the way you have on this thread, you may well be looking forward to ending up like the OP's mother, with people seeing you reluctantly out of duty.

And again…

How are you simplifying the mental abuse sone of us sustain as just a parent having a moan! My mum has interested borderline personality disorder and is borderline psychopath at times! She used to beat the absolute shit out of us as kids and absolutely terrifying us, she ruined all our extended family relationships because she drove everyone away, she drove my dad's side of the family away after his death because of her behaviour! I'd love you to experience a little bit of time in our world! Constant suicide threats and necking bottles of wine with benzodiazepines isn't having a bit of moan! My brother having to go there and check she's still alive and breathing isn't her just having a bit of a moan! She drove him to a breakdown that made him physically ill!

People need to stop coming on here and blaming the long suffering kids and diminishing how bad it can actually be for some of us! You are abusing people who have already been abused by their parents!

It is not an hour though is it especially if it has been going for years like my DM.

No we are not all going to get there. I have had wonderful elderly people in my life who remained positive and interested in others even when immobile and unwell.

Your right hazel its horrible dealing with it. Respect is two way. I find my mother so entitled. And they wonder why nobody wants bring them away)