Negative, moaning elderly mum.

[OhMyGiddyAunt]

I visited my mum today - she's in her mid 80s. Tend to visit once a week or stretch it to once every 2 weeks if I've got things going on.

I just find her so negative about everything though. She moans about the same things every time and seems to find it impossible to consider the bigger picture. Eg. they have a new part time warden in the flats where she lives, mum moans about the fact she's never there ....it's been 2 weeks, the poor warden will be undergoing induction, training etc but mum can't see that. She's already decided this poor woman will be useless.

Recently she's been moaning about some friends that she used to go out with regularly for coffee, lunch etc but they go without her now. They've used the excuse of her mobility (they're much more mobile than her, she uses a rolator frame now) but I honestly think it's because she's so negative.

When she was telling me about what she said to one of them (who was making excuses about why they hadn't invited her) I wasn't surprised they've "dropped" her. I did actually say to her that I hoped she hadn't said that in that tone of voice.

How do I tell her to not be so fucking miserable and negative?

I come away from visiting her feeling drained, down and annoyed.

Sorry ....think that rant was therapy!

Honestly, by the time we are 80 I imagine most of us will moan alot. Realising your time on earth is coming to a close and you can no longer do many of the things you used to, possibly need mobility aids etc. You may well spend a lot of time alone watching rubbish TV or if you have a partner they are in the same situation as you or you may caring for them. It's a pretty crap life.

Age related ailments ‘to be expected’ doesn’t make them any easier to take. It must be incredibly difficult to come to terms with not being as able. I asked if you ever take her out but you chose to ignore so it seems probably not. Your mum is lonely and struggling. This is time where you can choose to step up and help her have some more good years, or not - it sounds really common for pejole to pull back from aging parents on here so maybe it’s normal. I did everything I could to ensure mine had as rich a life as possible, the knock on effect of that was that they had less moaning to do.

Yeah I get it. My DM is 90 and I visit weekly. She's exactly the same. Her biggest bugbear is the amount of sport on tv. She'll count up how many times the football is being shown per day and moan that it's no good to someone like her. I've tried explaining that it's the World Cup and there are millions more football fans than there are little old ladies who'd prefer nature programmes. I've also pointed out she has scores of Freeview channels she could choose something from. Nope. Every week it's whining about the sport.

She also moans about being unable to use a computer and that my late Dad never taught her. Having tried to show her numerous times over the years how to use the most basic of mobile phones (it literally can only make calls/send texts), I know why he gave up trying with the PC.

But many older people who have multiple health issues remain sunny and positive generally, so it IS a choice. (Cognitive impairments aside obviously).

There is nothing wrong with a wee moan about difficult circumstances, we all do that. But viewing everything through a negative lens and not caring that you are making other people miserable - a choice.

So is mine. OP, I'd keep it to once every two weeks. Life's too short for this nonsense.

You don't know the OP's mother. From the sounds of things, she would moan if OP tried to do anything nice for her. Some people just won't help themselves. The fact that people her own age have dropped her says a lot. OP shouldn't wear herself out trying to help someone who won't be helped.

You are right, I don’t. Neither do you. My post is no less valid because you have formed a different opinion .

I don't, but I have met people like her before. You have no right to guilt trip the OP into being drained and made miserable by her mother. If you want to be a martyr, fair enough, but that doesn't mean anyone else has to.

You haven’t met people like her before because you don’t know a single thing about her. Also I’m not sure why you think my comment was a ‘guilt trip’ I can only imagine it’s because people carry guilt for their decisions.

It was a guilt trip. You whined at OP for ignoring your question and implied she was a bad daughter for not setting herself on fire to keep her mother warm. You don't have to feel guilty about something to recognize a guilt trip.

I had a 'parent like this', got her a better walker, and made an effort to organise hangouts at her house, and to find disabled-friendly cabs or drive her myself even just to look at the sunset or go to a gallery. Now she is dead 💔

Oh get a grip.

It is partly ableism that makes friends of any age exclude those with a mobility device. I have a couple of younger friends with mobility devices and it is very obvious.

I had a very similar experience with my Mum.

two things helped me. The first was my adult child telling me Mum wasn't asking me to solve her problems (which were not solvable anyway) she just wanted me to sympathise.

the second thing was Strictly Come Dancing. So from later summer (when they started to announce the celebs)'to Xmas I could always steer Mum into that subject as we both watched and enjoyed the programme.

I think if she were still alive, she would have loved Traitors, and we could have had some enjoyable discussions about that.

of course, the tables have turned and now I'm the old person using a rolater. I'm aware that my world is narrowing every day. I try not to moan about my health issue, but there is so little happening in my world I struggle to find things to discuss. Luckily both me and my adult child have a keen interest in politics, in all its guises. And at the moment (well, for the last ten years) there is plenty of meat to chew on those bones.

This seems a bit simplistic and naive to me. That approach will work for some people, I’m sure, but there are a lot of people who are just incredibly negative and have no interest in being cheered up - ever. Often it’s been a lifelong trait that becomes more pronounced and entrenched with age. Then before you know it you’ve given up all your time and energy trying to make the negative person happy and it still hasn’t worked. I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and got wise to it now.

I'm sorry for your loss, but that sounds a bit 'at least you've still got a mother'. OP's mother's problems sound to me as if they are at least as much about attitude as about ability. I bet that if she was a nice person to be around, her friends wouldn't have dropped her and OP wouldn't feel so drained by her.

Exactly.

You get a grip and stop trying to boss people about.

You bet wrong regarding how quickly even a nice person with a mobility device gets dropped. Regardless of age.

Yes, OP is lucky to still have a mother.

I don't know why people engage with the moaning as if they have to respond sensibly and use their 100% brainpower to solve the issues, or as if their very core is under attack. Moaning is an expression of pain and discomfort and loneliness and some cognitive decline. It mostly needs comforting responses. Maybe people hear everything from their parents as the voice of authority? They need to understand when old age is like second childhood. As well as when it isn't and the old person has agency.

Not everyone is 'lucky' to still have a parent. Not speaking for OP, but if a parent was abusive, would you say they were 'lucky'? I think people on here are far too inclined to try to guilt and shame people who don't want their lives to centre around elder care.

OP did not mention abuse. Just inconvenience and distaste.
You seem to have strong views and negative experiences. I am sorry.

You not agreeing with my opinion does not mean I’m bossing people about.

Mine is like this and I’ve just posted on my own thread how it’s sort of come to ahead with me alongside other stuff.

My DM was always negative I can recall her being unpleasant in the past I think it was so normal I was just blind to it.

My DM has been rude about people in a prejudiced way.

Further to the above she has said things that have been insensitive and hurtful for me but I’ve said nothing as. I’m too scared to upset her or fall out with her at this age she is at.

In summary she is a bitter self absorbed person that has got worse over time. Bit she can also be very kind towards others so not completely bad….but lord the last visit was very trying

It’s not simplistic at all. Obviously not all people are the same and we don’t know a thing about OP or her mother or her relationship but that doesn’t mean making suggestions is wrong. It’s funny how all the negative suggestions like ‘reduce contact’ are accepted but the idea of leaning in is not.

You have my sympathies OP. It can be incredibly draining and upsetting spending time with someone who is always negative, even if you understand and can sympathise with the reasons. But I agree with @BettyJoanPerske about not setting yourself on fire to keep your Mum warm. Do what you can do and take a break when you need it, your mental health matters too.