Cockroach cafe - summer

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread.

This is a place where anyone dealing with elderly parents/relatives/friends can rant, vent, scream into the void.

There is no judgement just understanding, support and good advice.

In my experience the home was set up so they could have a landline in their room if wanted. I think in one home it was part of the package, in another it was an extra.

But I don’t think either of those relatives would have known how to use a mobile.

My aunt had a landline but even though she'd been familiar with it all her life, she got to the point with her dementia that she lost the ability to understand how to use it.

My understanding is she has gone from hospital into care and is yet to have the assessment so I believe at the moment it is state funded . I imagine in that circumstance there is no landline in her room.

Yes, my state funded relative had to pay extra for the landline. I think it still worked out cheaper than the landline to their old home though.

@BeMintFatball I'm so very sorry for your loss
When my both my grandmothers died family or carers had been with them for days yet they both passed in the brief time there was nobody in the room. I remember my very unsentimental uncle saying "she needed to be alone to get it done, she was always very private". Didn't make it any easier for us though.

My mum spent the last year or so at home not recognising her landline ringing. Not a chance she'd cope with a mobile.

Our thoughts exactly .

Thanks to everyone who has answered my question .

@BeMintFatball condolences 💐

My mother has lost the ability to text. Her last text to me was in May. I am measuring her decline in things like this. In 8 months she has stopped. Driving, stopped texting, cannot go out on her own. Cannot cook etc.
sorry for your loss BeMint.

I'm sorry @BeMintFatball

@BeMintFatball 💐my condolences, hopefully it was peaceful at the end.

@tinytemper66 🌻yes, the decline is a succession of losses. Sometimes they do come thick and fast.

I just emptied some food cupboards. 🙈 The winner was a packet with an expiry date of December 2006! Also sorting shoes and clothes as she has has lost weight and as she shuffles cannot wear anything with even the slightest heel. My boot is full! This is the second trip to the charity shop. I have shown her what is going so she has ‘made’ the decision to donate them!

@BeMintFatball condolences.

@tinytemper66 My DM has also declined pretty swiftly and unfortunately she's able to see it herself so it really frustrates her that she just can't do a lot of things that she did easily less than a year ago. I think to some extent it also probably seems quicker than it actually was because I suspect for a long time she was trying to cover up things she struggled with. She has also lost a lot of weight and I really could do with sorting out her clothes for/with her but at the moment she wants to try on every item before making a decision and doesn't feel up to that 'yet'.

I wondered whether any of you have experience of getting a relative with dementia to/from medical appointments? Is this something that a carer would do, or are there patient transport options that can work with dementia patients? Mum has some sort of appointment at least once a week and so far I have taken her to almost every one. But this is getting increasingly difficult since including travel to her/getting her out of the house etc even a short blood test appointment ends up meaning a full day off work. Plus for many of her regular hospital appointments there is no choice over day/time and sometimes not much notice of her slot. She and brother (who she is staying with) are opposed to any option other than me or another family member continuing to take her every time but I'd like to try to understand what other options may work so that I can try to persuade her to try. At the moment their stance is that she needs a family member with her because no one else would understand where to take her, make sure she got to the right place, help her give her name/DOB when she arrives, stay with her when she's waiting and make sure she gets back safely. I really can't commit to a day a week off work (especially at short notice) indefinitely and the only other family members who sometimes take her are in their 70s with their own health problems.

@bigdogpaws how many of these appointments are really helpful?
Does she benefit from any of them?

I do wonder if we've got to a point with elderly people where nobody looks at the bigger picture. If someone has dementia, taking them to endless, confusing hospital clinics can't really be beneficial for them - not to mention someone has to take a whole day out of their life to accompany the patient.

Carers were taking mum to appointments for things like dressing changes, routine tests etc where it was just a case of getting her to the right place. That left us (well me and DB2) to get her to appointments that required a conversation/imparted information. Fortunately mum hasn't had too many of those.

Mum thinks they are all necessary and beneficial. Some definitely are (eg. treatment for her macular degeneration which seems to be slowing a decline in her vision) but the others are just routine checks/monitoring for long standing issues plus appointments made to check on new physical symptoms that she notices. Very few actually require a discussion about treatment or any sort of decision and I could easily take her to those appointments. It's the endless routine treatment/checks etc that are the problem (she has a number of chronic conditions). She isn't currently distressed by these- in fact I think she rather likes some of them- there's lots of attention on her and she used to work in hospitals so I think it feels familiar to her and she likes being around nurses etc. The only aspects she finds distressing/worrying is knowing where exactly she should go, whether she needs to take anything with her and how she will find her way around when she gets there- which is all 'solved' if I accompany her.
Personally, if I was in her shoes I would go to the eye appointments and dementia medication appointments but not bother with checks for other ailments or chronic conditions unless they were actually causing me discomfort and checks/treatment could reduce this. But I know she/brother (and quite possibly HCP) won't agree to that.

That's useful to know. Where these her regular carers, or someone who specifically deals with medical appointments?

I suspect that if Mum was in residential care they'd have some arrangement for getting routine checks etc done there. But that's not something she's willing to consider.

@bigdogpaws it's the "cognition gap" between "marbles there, or enough", and "needs to be in a care or nursing home and definitely can't cope with anything".
Dementia is the big one but I think we all know someone who can't quite cope. People rely on friends and relatives and it's easy to fall down the gap.

If the money's there I think carers could be hired to do that, but it can be a bit of a lottery who you get - a copper bottomed old hand or a gormless youngster.

@bigdogpaws regular care agency and I think it was usually the ones she knew

When mums dementia progressed beyond a certain point I gave up taking her for her macular appointments. Which possibly puts me in the bad daughter corner but the wrangling involved in getting her there in a state fit to be seen and on time usually involved a whole day and potentially staying over the night before. Just not compatible with my full time employment for an appointment every six weeks. Like others have suggested, I made an effort for appointments that made a difference to her quality of life and needed me there for discussions, and binned the rest. I insisted to the GP surgery that if mums blood tests were really so critical they could send a district nurse to take bloods. And if they came back as blood sugar too high, then so what? At that stage 90% of her calorie intake was chocolate biscuits, that wasn’t going to change.

Hi lovely people. Just had a very upsetting conversation with my dad and need to talk about it. He was pulled over by the police today for unsafe driving ( he pulled out in front of a car on a roundabout).. he's 81 and has admitted his reaction/ response times are not so good. I gently suggested he drive to the nearest shopping centre and take the bus into town and onwards from there. It did not go well. We are waiting for the ticket and video evidence from the police. I'll be in the corner screaming x

Oh no @shellyleppard Im waiting for the day when this happens to DM. She loves driving and when she couldn't control a manual car safely (a similar roundabout issue) , she immediately went and bought a automatic. She drives at 20km ph though so is unlikely to cause a serious accident thankfully.

It's really, really difficult because much independence rests on this. My dad no longer drives and hates that he can't. My mum still drives but only locally, she will only go to known places where she can park easily. I feel happy that she is safe because she's always been a careful driver and still is. They live in a very small town with no taxi company which doesn't help. My lovely nephew also gives my dad lots of lifts, which is very kind.
On the other side of this situation my car was written off last year by an 88 year old wearing thick glasses and using a walking stick and driving a huge and powerful Audi. We were lucky to both walk away, if I had been a metre further on I'd have been hospitalised. He shouted at me at the scene -I remained silent through a big effort of will- telling me I was in the wrong. The police attending were very clear I was not, as were the insurance company. He could have killed somebody and I hope the crash into me was his last time behind the wheel.

Hello all. I’ve just found this thread (although been to the board before) and have come for a bit of letting off steam. My parent has decided they don’t like their home anymore and want to move into a retirement type setting. All fine, and I’m assisting, but in the meantime they are very upset with their current home due to some anti social behaviour and are just getting it out of all proportion. It’s worse because they don’t really go anywhere, other than me taking them out. It’s just so frustrating and we keep going round in circles. If they would just go out a bit I’m sure it wouldn’t be such an all-consuming topic. Argghhh!

@Mumbles12 it is such a difficult situation. My dad lives in an isolated area. Its a mile to the nearest shop. He won't move. Has a lovely neighbour but doesn't like asking him for help. I'm sorry you had such a bad accident. Hope all is well now x