Cockroach cafe - summer

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread.

This is a place where anyone dealing with elderly parents/relatives/friends can rant, vent, scream into the void.

There is no judgement just understanding, support and good advice.

I have taken some advice and started getting some things in place today. I have organised the stairlift(that hasn’t been used since my dad died 15 years ago) to have a service and I am starting some care once a day over lunch for my mum. She isn’t happy but as her decline has come so fast, I feel she needs it.

Hi all. I visited my Mum today. I have not seen her for a week due to my youngest daughter care needs and also I had a migraine and was too ill to leave the house.

Having not seen her for a week the change was stark. She looks like a copse. I am told she has not had a drink since Monday and not eaten since Wednesday. Care home have put in an urgent referral to SALT for advice on mouth care but have heard nothing and we’re waiting to hear from GP.

My hunch is she will pass next week. This is awful timing. I am away with my disabled daughter who is doing her DofE expedition. The expedition can not be postponed as she will age out of the scheme.

I always thought this would happen. DH is WFH and eldest daughter will be on hand. Mum won’t be alone but fuck me what a decision to make.

what do I even say to her? She’s 88 not the I love you generation. She’s not wanted to be kissed since Covid. Sunday I will say goodbye fully knowing she is not likely to be alive when I get home 8 days later.

I'm so sorry @BeMintFatball What a terrible time for you.

@BeMintFatball What an awful situation, but I think you're definitely doing the right thing. Nothing you can do will be easy, but your DD missing out on her expedition won't make things better for your Mum. Such a hard choice to have to make though.
@tinytemper66 I think yours is a really sensible approach. I really think with dementia putting things in place before they are an absolute necessity is the only way to avoid constantly 'solving yesterday's problem'.

@BeMintFatball I’m sorry, what an awful dilemma, I think your DD must come first, I hope your DM gets the care she needs to make her more comfortable.

@BeMintFatball I am sorry, agree with putting the DoE expedition first.

Bemintfatball it's a horrible position to be in with your mother. Your doing the right thing going with your disabled daughter as I am sure she is looking forward and wants to do her doe expedition. It's not like she can put this off either due to her age.
At least your husband and older daughter are on hand.

I just dropped DM off to a day centre. It turns out that it's quite similar to dropping your small DC off to pre-school. I walked her in making cheerful comments while she was asking why she was going and what would she be doing. Got her settled with a nice cup of tea and introductions to other attendees (all women, although I'm not sure that it's always the case). Once she was happily distracted I legged it.

I think she will like it, but we'll see.

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar love this I needed a smile today

I hope it went well @BlackAmericanoNoSugar social contact is so important in slowing decline and embracing wider help so it’s not all dependent on you.
Our Dad initially joined in with things as he was quite sociable but in his last months he said that activities were full of old people… maybe the presence of the resident over 100 made him feel like they were not his peers. Also, as he could do less and less, I think he didn’t like struggling in ‘public’.
I do hope your DM makes friends and enjoys the day centre, at the right point I think they can be brilliant.

I was just on the phone to her and asked her about it. I had to remind her where she'd been today, but she did say that she quite liked it and the lunch was very nice. DB had picked her up and she said to him that she would have been just as happy sitting in the garden because it was a nice day but she will enjoy it in the winter.

The food being good is so important, I’m glad she has good feelings about it and can see how it will be good in the Autumn and Winter. Well done for persuading her and getting her there.

Thank you to everyone who posted kind messages and encouragement that I am doing the right thing by prioritising my daughter.

Took my disabled daughter to say goodbye to Mum yesterday. We tag teamed so we weren’t all together in the room. Daughter needed lots of breaks and walks around the garden as it was extremely difficult for her. My husband said she gave my Mum a really touching speech thanking her for all
the sleepovers and the times they baked fairy cakes together. I wish I could do similar but I know I would cry and I won’t allow myself to do that, I do not want to add to Mum’s distress.

My eldest daughter visited in the evening. She said my Mum was exhausted.

Told the nurse I am going away for 8 days and her response was “oh shit, it’s anytime now” I explained why and she also said I was doing the right thing.

Phoned the funeral director just to touch base and give them a heads up they will be needed soon. Give phone numbers for contact to nurse at care home. My husband is going to have to shoulder all the hard work this week. We have talked extensively what Mum’s wishes are and what I want to happen. Picked out an outfit for Mum’s final journey and that is hanging up in my wardrobe .

I’m seeing my Mum for what I think will be the last time this morning. Hoping to find her unconscious but she is doggedly hanging on to life and I think she will be all too aware. Taking DD1 with me. She was going to go on her own this evening but she is struggling today and can’t face a visit on her own.

@BeMintFatball you’re doing the right thing by prioritising your daughter AND you have done everything that could possibly be done in advance for your Mum. Sending you strength and I hope the visit today goes okay 🍸

Sending hugs @BeMintFatball

Hugs to you and your family @BeMintFatball

I missed her by 10 minutes. DH was driving , nurse called on his phone. I picked up as I recognised the number. I said we are on our way, shall we talk when we arrive as we are a couple of minutes away. Nurse replied “she went 10 minutes ago”.

Mum was still warm , it was that close.

I'm so sorry @BeMintFatball
But I'm glad it was peaceful.

@BeMintFatball I am so sorry for your loss. It’s very rare to be with a loved one at the end. I am glad you and DD saw her yesterday.

💐💐💐

I’m so sorry @BeMintFatball .
My thoughts are with you.

Condolences @BeMintFatball

For those of you that have people with dementia and they are in a care home - in your experience do the staff charge up their mobile phones and if the dementia isn't too advanced would your family member know to answer it ?

I ask as an elderly family member is adamant her sister who is in the care home will answer a mobile if she had one .
We as her family believe she is hoping for the impossible .

My experience (but it is some years old) is that staff would help with charging, although visitors often remembered to check as well. However, my mum, even before developing dementia-type behaviours, often didn't hear it and frequently pressed the wrong button so cut off calls, called by accident etc. It was reasonably successful for a while and then not at all.

@Jennalong my experience is that my elderly relative just looked in bewilderment at their phone, and had no idea what it was, or how to answer it.

Yes we feel that would be the same for her plus my mil ( the one who thinks her sister should have one ) is as deaf as a post !