Cockroach cafe - summer

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread.

This is a place where anyone dealing with elderly parents/relatives/friends can rant, vent, scream into the void.

There is no judgement just understanding, support and good advice.

@turkeyboots its very difficult. My dads reactions are not as good as they were. I dread the phone ringing some days.
Hes convinced the police officer had it in for him because of his age. 🤷

@BeMintFatball sorry for your loss, I hope you and your family are getting the support you need at this difficult time 💐

@bigdogpaws is there any way to cluster appointments? I have had to drop my DF's COPD/asthma review for the moment which I had clustered with the GP as right now he is stable and this week I already have to take him to Opthalmology for an abscess after eye surgery and a CT scan for memory clinic.

@shellyleppard solidarity, I am dreading this happening too, but I can't persuade Mum to give up driving. I check her car for scratches and dents every time I visit. She only does short, known, journeys, but a group she goes to is relocating further away and she wants to drive there but there is a really horrible right turn onto a busy main road on the way back. I do get that it's their independence, but apart from this new group she could use public transport for other things but won't because her bus pass doesn't work till 10 and that's too late and she's not willing to pay. @Mumbles12 I'm sorry that happened to you, I hope it did get him off the road.

@ElderlyDilemmas i hope your mum keeps safe. It's such a worry. Would she consider community transport or a taxi?

She won't consider taxis, I haven't looked into community transport but I think it might be limited as she's in a smallish town. Fortunately she can walk to the shop, GP, pharmacy, Dad's care home. It grates on me that she begrudges £2 bus fare once a week (she'd be able to use her pass on the way back) but has happily forked out £1500 for another year of insurance, MOT etc recently.

@ElderlyDilemmas a few years ago one of my elderly relatives took umbrage when I delicately queried the point of paying well over a thou in insurance when he never went anywhere.
Not long after he drove his car into the garage (through the doors) and luckily then was freaked out enough to wave goodbye to the car.

Having had an underwhelming experience of taxi service for the disabled this year I do get why people want to keep driving if they can. Hoping that self driving cars are Totally A Thing when I get to that stage. Although my own parents both had a very quick decline so maybe I won't live long enough.

Whenever the subject of driving comes up on these threads, I post this:

About ten years ago, I was a carer for a 92 year old lady whose driving was terrifying. I notified the DVLA that I didn't think she should be behind the wheel of a car. This can be done anonymously.

The DVLA then arranged a driving assessment for her.

The day before this assessment was due to take place, she ran someone over in the high street round the corner from her house (a route she knew very, very well).

She then reversed into the many people who came to render first aid to the unfortunate woman.

The police came round that evening and took her car keys away.

Please don't think that poor drivers are safe, just because they're only doing little local journeys. You must be proactive, and if you're concerned, report to the DVLA. Your elderly relative won't know it was you and you could be averting a tragedy.

BTW that lady's son had been lying on her forms for some years.
He knew that she wasn't safe to drive, but when the declaration of fitness to drive came every few years, he stated that she was perfectly healthy and fully capable of driving.

And all this, because she liked to go to Tesco's and potter round.

I agree wholeheartedly with Broon - a car doesn’t have to be going very fast to cause a lot of injury and devastation to other people’s lives. I can sympathise with the “loss of independence” argument but it effectively means the loss of flexibility to jump in the car and go somewhere wherever they want. And how often do they actually do that? I’ll bet they have a strict routine - if is Tuesday morning it’s Tesco, Thursday afternoon playing whist etc. Straightforward to plan for although I will admit it’s easier if they live in an area with a reliable taxi firm.

Evening all, we are visiting the 2 care homes tomorrow that have agreed to take mother in law. Any tips? They are very different, one very established with requires improvement rating but been taken over and other one brand new luxury nursing home with no rating or reviews

Watch how the staff interact with the residents. Are there jugs of water/squash out so residents can be given drinks readily, especially in warm weather.
Does it look like there are enough staff? Harassed staff and the constant sound of room alarms are good indicators.
What does it smell like?
What are the activities? Are there still Christmas/Easter etc drawings/photos months after? Are the activities ones that appeal to your relative and is there a variety?
And one which horrified me at one home - when you are being shown along a corridor of bedrooms glance in open doors. Are the residents decently covered or will you see some with just a top and a nappy not even covered by a sheet.

Crikey! I’ll keep me eyes peeled
thanks for the other tips, really helpful

@EagerQuail do either of the homes offer 'through care' ie if/when DMIL declines are there options for increasing the level of care?

My DM started as just having residential care then as she declined the level of care she receives has increased.

How do the homes deal with GP. Many homes require residents to be registered with a particular surgery. Does the GP visit the home regularly?

Re driving, yes, DM’s 3 yearly licence review will be due very soon, I had been thinking that would be a good time to intervene.

I agree with pp suggestions.

As pp said you want to try to make this one move so ask about the dementia, nursing & end of life care they provide.

Observe how the non-care staff e.g. cleaners, laundry etc. interact with residents. They will interact with residents everyday so are an important part of the home.

I've lurked on here for ages and occasionally popped my head up but tonight I might actually cry

Everytime I think we've made a small step forward there's another great big brick wall. We couldn't get df to accept 1 carer initially but now he's totally on board I am going to need him to accept his budget is unreasonable.

Any tips greatly received. Ive already shown him care home costs and get the usual ,"well I'm not at that stage yet"

@Lzzyisgod I feel for you as often parents have no grasp of how much things cost these days. As you say using a care home as a comparator is a good option.

When DM first went into a CH DB made a lot of noise about the cost. He only properly stopped when I said:

'show me a hotel where DM will have all meals/snacks, laundry, personal care for £200 a night and she can move there'

@Lzzyisgod do you think your DF needs brisk 'tough love' or just to be heard?

@GnomeDePlume with his diagnosis he has always accepted there was an inevitability that he will need care and a care home at some point. But as I know many here have found, knowing this and recognising when we are at the various points along the line has been hard to accept. When we had to say no more driving for example there was a lot of push back ( the usual "well I'm not at that point" when it was 100% not safe anymore and the right decision).

I think he is terrified of running out of money and we get a lot of complaints we are spending his money for him (he still has full control) I'd always tried to reassure him that that wasnt the case and everything we suggest is to maintain his independence for as long as possible but I can't lie it's a real possibility that we are going to go through the pot at a much quicker than i ever anticipated.

Thanks, both homes offer dementia and nursing as she is already at that stage unfortunately. It’s been very hard to get to this stage from home care 5 times a day.
thanks others for the tips re staff, really useful

Can I just have a little rant about the frustrations of using LPA (finance). DMum still has capacity and does her own general shopping etc but cannot deal with anything complex and suffers with extreme anxiety about scams therefore doesn't do online banking so I use LPA with a light touch for her. I also do all of Dad's finances because he is in a nursing home. But the obstacles the banks etc put in the way are driving me to distraction. So just now Mum needs some minor work doing on the house, provider identified and agreed, quote accepted but we have to pay a deposit through a portal and we agree I should do it using my representative card. But it needs authorisation from the bank and for Mum's account they have got her mobile phone number not mine so I won't get the passcode, I can't add my phone number as an alternative using online banking. You can't access attorney accounts through the app. This sort of thing, over and over and over. Mum could probably do it but it will likely set her off on an anxiety spiral because practically everything unusual related to money does. FFS.

Do they need your mum's number. Mum's account has DBs number as the mobile number so he didn't have this problem. Also meant he got any alerts he had set up on the account. But mum was beyond using a mobile by this stage anyway. She thought they were broken if they needed charging.

No, they don't need mum's number, in fact it sets her off with anxiety every month when they text her to tell her her credit card (same bank) has been paid off by DD. But I can't change it online like I could with my own phone numbers, I will have to find time to ring them YET AGAIN.

@ElderlyDilemmas sympathy.

We found the finance LPA as next door to useless as DB and I are joint. We would need to go into the bank together to do anything. We live in different towns, I work FT and DB doesnt really get going until mid morning and is then always 'too busy' to go into the bank.

Health LPA does have some, limited, uses as for that one we are joint and severally.