Cockroach cafe - summer

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread.

This is a place where anyone dealing with elderly parents/relatives/friends can rant, vent, scream into the void.

There is no judgement just understanding, support and good advice.

I think that trying to clear someone's hoard is essentially a waste of time.
The hoarder won't thank you for doing it and they'll sabotage all your efforts anyway.

Sorry @MotherOfCatBoy not what you wanted to hear.

I think that @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne is sadly correct about clearing other people's things. FIL was in no way a hoarder but we've still got lots to clear from his house. He kept his teaching resources and he retired in the late 1990s.... I think that we're going to need a skip, that'll be the fastest way for the things BIL (who currently lives in the house but is moving nearer to us) won't be able to fit into his smaller new property.

Sympathy @MotherOfCatBoy

We will need a skip (or several) when the time comes. DM's house on the surface looks pretty clean and tidy, but it has an ENORMOUS amount of storage, cellar, attic, lots of built in cupboards and wardrobes, big rooms with chests and dressers chock full of stuff. 50 years worth of stuff plus quite a lot that came from DGM's house back in the 80s. And of course Mum doesn't want to get rid of any of it.

I also agree with @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne I'm afraid.

My DM was convinced that her collection of crap was in some way valuable. She got very convinced that DH had 'borrowed' DF's collection of handtools. She was not really persuaded by me pointing out that as DH was an electrician he had his own power tools so wouldnt need DF's 30 year old tools. DH and I agreed that they had probably rusted into a single lump.

Hmmmm....

Having gone through the horror a couple of years ago of downsizing and moving DM - which involved going through and chucking so much stuff, and so much stuff still kept and moved ... I have been sporadically doing the Swedish Death Cleaning!

Turns out that I also have so much stuff!

Yesterday, I found a piece of fabric about 150 x 150cm. A remnant from the living room curtains in my first flat - bought in 1992!!! Yikes!

It's gone now. Someone has mentioned the potential futility of clearing a hoarder's stuff - but one positive is that even if you just make a dent in it - it will be harder for them to fill it up again - whether that's due to lack of opportunities to get to the shops, or simply that once old school/college/professional notes etc are gone, then they just can't be replaced.

I'm currently tackling my great supply of tubs and lids (mostly lids without tubs) lurking at the back of a kitchen cupboard.

Just starting this journey. Glad to find a place. Vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s diagnosis in June. 81 and living on own. May need to think of carers in the next few months.

@MotherOfCatBoycan you focus purely on the key areas for the cleaner, so visible surfaces in kitchen, bathroom and a path to change the sheets in the bedroom?
Maybe Age Concern can recommend some cleaners used to working round clutter.

I sympathise mine weren’t too bad, but DH got it all cleared out by a man with a van when they went into the care home.

@tinytemper66 welcome to the board nobody wants to be on. It's very honest and very helpful and propped me up last year when FIL was ill and then died.

Welcome @tinytemper66. Yes research early is a good idea, try to get someone in - a cleaner perhaps- as soon as possible to get them used to the idea of strangers in the house and you not doing it all yourself.

Not the experience you are looking for, but if her illness included a UTI (often caught in hospitals, especially if incontinence pads or catheters involved) then can cause totally loopy behaviour, which disappears once the UTI is treated.

@tinytemper66 welcome, none of us really want to be here but needs must!

You probably know this but vascular dementia tends to progress in steps rather than a steady decline. As @rookiemere suggests, start your research now and be prepared to have to move quite quickly. It is a very small switch between coping and not coping.

Will your relative be self-funding? If so this can make things easier in the sense that social services will likely not be involved at all. Of course this has the downside of meaning they will be no help at all even in terms of offering advice.

Do you have LPAs in place? The window for getting this done is closing.

DH and I are on holiday at the moment. BIL was going to visit MIL in her care home last sunday so she'd have a visitor in the middle of our two weeks. Except he changed his mind and will go tomorrow instead and stay overnight at our house where eveything is switched off. We'll be back the day after his visit so its no help whatsoever.

You could tell him not to bother, and ask him not to stay at the house. Bloody typical.

That was my response @PrizedPickledPopcorn but DH is a big softy. MIl doesn't seem to understand she's in a care home and thinks she's living independently so there will be loads of moaning that she was all on her own while we were away. BIL is more hindrance than help.

My mum has sufficient funds before selling the house. She has done downhill so fast. Went to London at Christmas on the bus to my sibling’s house. No issue. Fell in January and stopped driving. Since she fell again in May she cannot go out unsupervised. Going to add cameras shortly and get a carer for lunchtime to start with.
Still waiting for the OT appointment that was mentioned in June. On my to do list to ring again for the 3rd time. We also have LPA (both)

@turkeyboots I would also be wary of surgery on a relative with dementia. My FIL had Parkinsons and lewy bodies dementia. He had hip surgery at a time when, looking back, he had dementia but was covering it up quite well. He had some sort of reaction to the surgery/anaesthetic that caused extreme delirium and sped up the dementia to the extent that he had no idea why he was there or that he had any illness, and never regained any sort of capacity. It must have been terrifying for him and he injured himself several times attempting to stand up when he was not physically able to.

I've just had a few days away with my family with very limited phone/internet signal. It was lovely, but has really shown me how much of my time and brain space is usually taken up dealing with things for Mum. Before I went, I made sure all the important things I usually deal with for her were sorted out and wouldn't need attention whilst I was away but even ignoring those things there are usually multiple phone calls from her every day, often requiring small but time consuming follow up from me (or even more calls if I don't follow up). Pretty much all the things she needs help with or wants to talk about could be outsourced if she and Brother would agree. Brother has now accepted that she has dementia but remains adamant that her needs should only every be met by family and friends. He seems to think she has a very special form of dementia that nice ladies with nice families get, in which she will struggle with words and get a bit forgetful but as long as she is only looked after by her 'lovely' family and friends she won't develop any unpleasant or unsightly symptoms. As many of you know, my view is that we should be getting her used to external help and looking at residential care sooner rather than later but Brother is absolutely digging his heals in and has started to refer to himself as her 'sole carer'. I may be over cynical but it's starting to seem like he is using her diagnosis as a way to shut down any discussion where she disagrees with him or lets slip something that shows him as anything other than the perfect son. I'm afraid I'm feeling very frustrated that as soon as I have returned from a break mum has called with a list of things that apparently only I can do, which I know could be dealt with by carers and would definitely be sorted for her if she was in a care home. She's also bored and lonely a lot of the time when she could be doing all sorts of activities if Brother didn't effectively block them by telling her how much she would hate it and she doesn't need it.

OMG @bigdogpaws another useless brother appears on this thread.
Why are so many of them like this?

@StillNiceCardigan that is the sort of deliberate decision to not actually be helpful that my brother would do.

@bigdogpaws is your DB trying to reduce her spending her funds?

In news here DH was hit by a car last week (driver was under the influence) and is hobbling on crutches with a broken ankle so our plans for my annual leave have gone out of the window. It hasn't stopped my DF asking if he is coming up there every day though. I have increased his care calls and he will just have to live with it because DH is in no fit state.

I do know a few blokes involved in their parent's care. But I'm not aware that any of them have any sisters ;)

Oh no @Choconuttolata that’s all you need!

my DH was pretty good with his parents and did much more of the heavy lifting of the house clearance than his sister. But to be fair she did more of the hospital appointments and finances as she was closer, so I think they just ended up splitting things according to who was best at which job.

On my parents’ house, I think you’re all right, it’s a thankless and probably repetitive task, but I’ve decided I’ll try to get the downstairs at least clear for someone to come in (floors, worktops), that’ll do for now, even if stuff is rammed in cupboards. It’s the only way to get external help in. Will probably take a month to get that far, I’m hoping I can do it faster than they can mess it up again
Send gin!

@bigdogpaws are we related? That is precisely my DB's attitude.

Unfortunately his jealous 'guarding' of DM meant that she didnt join in any of the CH activities which might have helped her settle.

@Choconuttolata I hope your DH has a speedy recovery.

@tinytemper66 sounds like you are on top of things. The only thing I would add is to warn you that you will find a lot of your energy can go on solving what quickly turn out to be 'yesterday's problems'. I have lost count of the number of these I have solved only to find the ground has shifted.