Cockroach cafe - summer

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread.

This is a place where anyone dealing with elderly parents/relatives/friends can rant, vent, scream into the void.

There is no judgement just understanding, support and good advice.

I think it’s okay to book as soon as you can after they tell you that you can. I booked online (on local authority website) and got in on the 6th working day (but very limited choice of time). I had to declare that everything had been sent to the Register Office before I booked. The Registrar was really kind and I mostly held myself together - the hardest bits were confirming things like occupation of both parents and I was glad I had put a folder together with NHS number and NI number etc so I could just show the documents. Wishing you strength 🍸

How are you @GnomeDePlume? Always have some strength lined up for you 🍸

We couldn't register FIL's death for fifteen days as we were over 100 miles away and it was just before Christmas and that slowed everything down.

I worked out that the reason they asked about different names, and, asked you to bring along passport, driving licence, bills etc, is that you use the death certificate to close down accounts and so on, and ideally the names should match.

So if there are variations between the names on the passport and the bank account (for example) the registrar can make sure both are on the certificate.

@FiniteSagacity I'm fine, plodding on regarding DM. I will be doing my weekly visit this afternoon. It feels pointlessly performative. DM doesnt know me from a hole in the floor.

DB is still desperately trying to convince himself that DM's dementia is some kind of 'locked in syndrome'. That with better treatment she would get better. The reality is that DM has vascular dementia.

The main emotion I now feel regarding DM is anger. I feel angry at her and I feel angry at DB.

Anger is fair enough. Are you ok about feeling angry? I know some people struggle with it.

Hello all,
This month the Dementia wellbeing service will come to visit my DPs.
DF has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Dementia by the GP following a CT scan. The initial diagnosis was depression.
Any tips for this visit? DF seems to have good and bad days.
A good day he is almost his usual self. Out and about doing his activities.
A bad day he is almost catatonic.
I plan to attend the appointment by phone.
If you have any suggestions or pointer I would be happy to hear them.
Heather

Can you email any observations and concerns you have in advance. In my experience they always perform outstandingly well when faced with officialdom, beyond what a usual good day and if you aren't there to discretely shake your head and mouth no when that claim they manage fine and do this and that it's difficult to convey the reality. My mum confidently and believably told the social worker that she managed her finances using her computer and she'd never done internet banking in her life and DB had been looking after her finances for 18 months. Also told them she went to a dance club every week that hadn't run for nearly 2 years. I was there carefully positioned so I could indicate to the SW that it wasn't true and filled her in afterwards. The occasion I wasn't there, and wasn't even aware they were visiting I got told how remarkable mum was for her age and they couldn't understand her diagnosis (3 years old by then) and I had to enlighten them it was all bollocks after the event. I wasn't convinced she believed me.

Thank you @countrygirl99 these are some good points. There is a phone number on the letter. I think I will call and ask for an email address.

The last one DM had was at home and she appeared with her hair done, make up on, remembered all the grandchildren’s birthdays, partners and occupations insisted she played bowls weekly (not done so since the pandemic) and told a long story about being caught up in the Christchurch earthquake. Surprisingly she wasn’t.

We have a review on Tuesday so we’ll see how that goes.

Can I sit in the corner with my book and some rose wine please?

DH is on his way north to try and sort out mil’s banking and a fall pendant for her. Second time he’s been up in a month. FIL has dementia and really needs 24 hour care but she refuses to consider this despite everyone trying to convince her.
I rang my DM and she’s in one of her woe is me, at least I have you to talk to (off load and moan to more likely). Her latest obsession is the state of her clothes and not having anything to wear despite having wardrobes full. I know she is lonely and misses DF who is in a care home but she has friends she could talk to but refuses to. I am now left feeling guilty for wishing she would shut up.
Sorry for the rant will retire quietly to the corner now.

@PrizedPickledPopcorn The anger tends to stay locked in my head. I dont say anything to DB because I know that if I start I wont be able to stop.

In many ways DB is paying the price for being DM's favourite and having an unhealthily enmeshed relationship with her.

@Tupperwarelid ranting is totally allowed and perfectly acceptable.

@Tupperwarelid don't worry, I’ll be in the corner with you. They do a good line of cocktails round here. My current regular tipple is the Groundhog Day.

DM has always been difficult, and never accepted responsibility for a mistake. It’s always someone else’s fault. Now she’s making a lot of mistakes, that’s a lot of blame to share around. At the moment, it’s aimed at the shop that sold her the wrong kind of toaster despite the box being pretty clear about which of the two toasters pictured was in the box. Sigh.

The only suggestion I have is to draft an email/letter to DB - don’t put his address in. Let your frustration out on paper/digitally then forget about it/ delete it. Letting the anger out can help but never send it,

To be honest I have been known to really scream aarghh in my car when driving when I’m so frustrated.

Repeatedly shouting "fucking barstard" or other appropriate phrase in the shower is also effective. Tried and tested.

DM slept through the entire visit yesterday so I used the time to do a bit of tidying in her room.

This is also part of my general low level irritation with DB. He takes things into the room but never takes things out. Newspapers, books, greetings cards. All get stacked up. This is how he lives so he cant see the mess.

My anger at him is because he will do anything to keep DM alive even though the person she was is already long gone. DM had a chest infection so he went along with her having ABs. I'm pretty sure we could have declined on her behalf and we wouldnt have been opposed. DB didnt tell me, it was the nurse.

My anger with DM is because in some ways she created this mess. She allowed her and DB's lives to become totally enmeshed. She knew it was wrong (and said so to me) but didnt do anything to stop it. DB was never pushed to grow up properly so emotionally he is stuck as a little boy. Again something which DM knew and said to me.

@GnomeDePlumesympathies, I would also be particularly salty about the ABs. It’s so hard isn’t it. This prolonged period of infirmity for me brings swells of feelings that I could really just do without tbh and I’m not even on the final stretch like you absolutely must be.I am so angry and bitter about how they effectively stole the last year of my life, but of course they didn’t do it deliberately.

I am deliberately avoiding a thread with someone saying they no longer have DPs. I feel effectively I don’t have DPs anymore they left their bodies a long time ago, but there they still are needing visits, things, endless paperwork to handle etc.

At least I don’t have a useless DB to add into the mix.

ah, the scream in the car...yes, I've done that not realising there was someone in the car parked next to me. A woman around my age. She just smiled sympathetically. She got it. 🙁

@rookiemere I totally get you about feeling like time has been stolen. Harder for you with two to deal with.

We are now nearly 2 years in. 2 years of steady decline in DM. From independent living (albeit enmeshed with DB) to bedridden, doubly incontinent, uncomprehending shell.

I messaged DB (we only actually speak once a week) and said I dont want DM to be given ABs again. He has seen the message but not responded to it just sent me a message to say how bright and chatty DM is today. I swear he and I visit 2 completely different people.

@GnomeDePlume I’ve had that , when Mum could still talk a bit. My cousins were treated to wonderful making memories visits. Whereas for myself and my eldest daughter we got all the shit and complaining about the care home.

I guess that is one problem solved seeing as she can’t speak beyond a garbled yes or no now.

Visited my Mum today and she was on good form -not always making sense but enjoying the marzipan balls I took her. For a woman who made a box of chocolates last from Christmas to Easter watching her eat them with abandon is funny but lovely too.

Mum was taken to be changed and one of the other carers said don’t wait to say goodbye she won’t remember.

Mum’s first words to me were I was worried you had gone without saying goodbye. 😂 I always give her a big hug we say love you❤️ and I wave from the door. No one is going to tell me not to bother.

@rookiemere the feelings are uncomfortable arent they.

DM and I were never particularly close. This had got worse as DM and DB got more enmeshed.

So now I am stuck visiting a person I barely recognise out of a sense of duty. I do what needs to be done, make sure DM is comfortable, help her to drink. But I dont care anymore. I sit with her, tidy her room, arrange her flowers. All the while wishing I could be somewhere else.

I understand. I fear this will be me, in time. I have never got on with my DM, never felt loved or supported by her. Of course I do what I can for my DPs and I feel desperately sorry for her as she clearly hates aging and its effects; but I can’t really say I love her. She’s quite robust, despite heart failure, so I fear she will have physical tenacity like your DM.

You could be, Gnome de Plume. You could shorten or reduce your visits.