I hate my life right now and it's mainly due to my elderly parents constant needs and I hate myself even more for saying that.

[MybosswasMrMcGee]

The long term relentlessness of having to deal with elderly and unwell parents is so draining and has resulted in my life being put on hold for various reasons (including the stress of it deeply affecting my health) and if I'm honest, and hate myself for admitting it, I truly resent the whole situation.

I'm going to put this down in black and white here because it's the elderly parents forum and I'm hoping someone looking at this may be able to understand and empathise. I don't say this aloud but alongside my deep love and compassion for my elderly parents I feel secret anger and resentment.

Eight years of running this parallel life along side my own. Trying to help keep my parents plates spinning in the air alongside mine too.

Eight years of having to watch my poor mum slowly lose all her faculties due to Alzheimer's and watch her poor little body worn down by the other diseases she also suffers from and my father getting angrier and more stubborn each year because this is also taking his life down with it too but its seems he is so deep in his own grief that he has little understanding that it's also pulling me under too but because 'I don't life with it 24/7 like he does', he just can not see that I am grieving too. Of course I don't life with it physically 24/7 but they are the first thing I think of when I wake and the last thing before bed. He rings me all the time when I'm not at theirs (they live around the corner so I'm there a lot of the time), coming up with all kinds of stresses, worries and requests that he wants dealt with asap.

Yesterday, when I thought I had a day off from seeing them he's calling me in a blind panic because the last few days he's not been able to hold his urine in as well as he usually can and wanted me to find a doctor then and there to deal with it. I tried explaining to him that unless he sits in a&e for hours on end he's not going to be able to see someone until Monday when I will try and get him a GP consultation and that at 85 it's more than likely to be an enlarged prostate because unfortunately 90% of men his age will have some kind of prostate issue (85 year old FIL has just had his removed) but it's not good enough to wait till Monday and it's all he's consumed with right now. I really feel for him because he's living in fear of his own mortality since mum's been unwell even though he's actually in very good health but he stresses so much and does expect things to be done for him then and there which is unrealistic and not going to happen.

I don't really know what I'm asking from this thread other than to find some common ground in others, wanting to connect with others who are going through similar as none of my friends are experiencing through this right now, most of their parents are still only in their 70's (I never realised my parents were a good 8-10 years older than my friend's parents when I was younger but I'm definitely seeing it now).

We have everything we can practically put in place for my parents (carers in every day to deal with mum's double incontinence, social services assessments have been done, all benefits etc they are entitled to they have) but it's just the overwhelming weight of dealing with mum's long term, life changing diseases which sadly takes down everyone involved. Even if mum were to go into a home the sadness and living grief won't leave.

It's wearing, relentless and soul destroying and for me I have to sadly acknowledge the fact that the only relief I will get from this is when they are no longer here and that breaks my heart, life will never be the same though because my parents will be gone forever.

Anyone else in a similar position?

Sending a hug @MybosswasMrMcGee its a really difficult time, I’m in a similar place and it feels emotionally exhausting no matter how much you love them.

everything is an urgent need for them, even if it’s the changing of an appointment 6 weeks away! And you have a full time job and can’t drop everything right there and then to attend 😭

Come and join us in a safe non judgmental space we call The Cockroach Cafe
you will get lots of support 🍷 💐 ❤️

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5503705-cockroach-cafe-spring-to-summer-2026

It really is so frustrating, I just can't do everything for them not do I have a magic wand to sort it all out instantly.

It sounds to me like your dad has an immature/narcissistic personality in general. It sounds like the way my dad would be as good as he is also. From your side, it is absolutely ok to put boundaries in place with that and it would benefit your dad also, who would then be better able to cope. So its ok to push him on things you feel he could sort out himself or at least not emotionally offload on you. It sounds like you are going through a period of change and are feeling a bit overwhelmed. I would concentrate on yourself and bringing down your overwhelm for now and pull your dad up a bit. Think of small ways you could help him to help himself. Getting an air fryer, having his pharmacists number on speed dial on his phone, an Alzheimer's support worker/carer on speed dial if he's worrying about your mum etc.

I feel the same way about my mum, the swinging between compassion and love and then resentment that the stress of dealing with things to help her is having an impact on my own physical and mental health. There will only be relief when she isn’t here anymore and saying it out loud is very difficult.

I’ve had to resort to putting my phone on do not disturb, with warning that I won’t be available at certain times. And I allow my phone to go to voicemail a lot, then I can listen to what she says and respond in my own time. It’s the only way to retain a little bit of control for me.

You will get a lot of empathy here, all are or have been in this situation and it’s soul saping. There’s the very real grief of losing a parent to dementia ( a living bereavement) with the double whammy of having to do a 360 take over of their life and being responsible for everything. As for your father’s lack of insight into what you are experiencing, it’s a fact that as we age the part of the brain that governs empathy tends to shrink. I remember after my beloved gran died, I held it together at the funeral and cried when I got to my GPs house. My grandfather just looked straight through me and shuffled off to his room. He showed very little interest in others from there on in. What you are going through is being repeated in homes up and down the land, but I know it’s little consolation.

8 years is an awful long time to be dealing with this. If it helps I'm at an age where pretty much everyone I know is dealing with similar. A friend mentioned a man living to 102 - horrified faces all round

That sounds awful but after a few years of fairly intense support the thought of potentially 10 more years of it is a bit much.

Sending you a big hug in sympathy.
Because I was a district nurse before I retired my very elderly parents assumed that I would drop everything, drive a 42 mile round trip to clean up after my father had soiled himself. Not once did they ask my sisters who lived less than a mile from them, and it wasn’t unusual to be called several times in a couple of days.
He refused to have carers, see his GP or wear pads.
That was all I was seen as, someone to clean up faeces.
Apparently my sisters were ‘too sensitive’ to do anything remotely practical.
When they died it was a massive relief.

Tbh, I have written on here about my dad before, he definitely displays some narcissistic traits and others have pointed this out. I have put in place so many things like you have suggested but there seems to be something new occuring each week and it’s just so draining.

Following on from the advise I received in here and FB dementia support groups I have set firmer boundaries than I had before but it’s the guilt which now currently eats at me, I thought that outlining these would make life easier but in many ways it’s just exacerbated more stress. I find it so difficult to switch off from them, I’ve tried counselling and am due to start more but I feel that I am never going to find peace with this.

I've been in a pretty much identical situation and it is totally shit so lots of empathy from me.

I was running myself ragged for them (am only child) nothing ever enough, constant phone calls etc. Trying to juggle own family and work, massive health issues basically caused by exhaustion and stress

The advice I'd give is set boundaries. Really strict ones and don't feel guilty or you'll go down too. Tell your father you can't be contacted between the hours of x and y as you're working (or whatever).. if he persists just don't answer and he will get the message.

DO THIS AND DON'T FEEL GUILTY! It takes practice but does get easier.

Don't go round as much, say you can't... Say you're ill yourself or have COVID or something. Have a break. They will never put you first, your DM can't and your DF won't.

I'd really think about residential care for your DM, my DM is now in a care home which honestly is 100x better as I know she is safe and looked after, it's an excellent place. I've tried to put help in for my dad but if he rejects it (which he has done) that's on him and I won't listen to any complaints.

I really feel for you. I’ve had to stop answering dad’s calls immediately like I used to, for my own sanity but he’ll leave these panicked messages and when I ring back 9 times out of 10 it will turn out to be something very non-urgent. He seems to have no comprehension that I have a life too.

It really does seem to be the case. My dad has never possessed a lot of empathy for others, including his own kids, but he’s definitely a lot worse now he’s struggling with things in his own life.

In saying that, my FIL is not like that at all and when MIL was dying they didn’t put any pressure on my DH or BIL at any time.

Oh goodness. I love my parents dearly….but 102!

Set some boundaries! You have more choice than you might think.

To be fair to him, in most civilised countries he would be able to access a doctor - and even a specialised geriatrician - much more quickly than here. Medical care for the elderly in the community is - shall we say - extremely limited in some areas. That’s one of the reasons many older people end up in nursing homes with a visiting GP and nursing staff on hand.

it’s almost impossible to access immediate or elderly patient-centred care in the community out of an institution - and general hospitals are even worse.

I really feel for you.

Before I gave up work 2 years ago to help my parents I was a PA for disabled people and I’m sure both my father and sister think that makes me automatically equipped for something like this but caring for others and caring for your own parents are two different scenarios. My sister shirks away from the caring because she says she hasn’t had kids etc so isn’t used to the caring side of things in life!

I find myself wondering if I will feel great relief when they eventually go and despise myself for feeling that way because I know I will miss them terribly but at the same time the truth is, I do feel that way. It’s really messing with my head tbh, we aren’t designed to feel this way, surely.

It’s the guilt which I’m struggling to deal with tbh.

Following on from a thread I made on here about 6 months ago I did reduce the days I go round but it’s been so difficult, I know my dad does not like this one bit (I’m not sitting twiddling my thumbs though, I went back to work two days a week as I couldn’t live on carers allowance alone) and he’s made it plainly obvious he really resents the fact I’ve done this. He’ll tell anyone who will listen that I’ve withdrawn because I can’t handle the situation - true in some ways but what the heck does he think I live on? I need to work and earn. Even then I’m still round their’s at least 3-4 days a week.

We have been looking at care homes but so far they’ve all been dreadful places and the thought of mum in one of those places at the end of her life would kill me. We are continuing not look but at their budget it’s not looking great.

And even though I’m still doing as much as I can for them I just can not drop this guilt, it’s the guilt which is currently eating away at me.

How do you get over that feeling?

Tons of empathy from me. Have posted previously about my situation so won’t repeat but just to say for five years or so I had the same situation with my late DM. It made me ill as a result. Some advice I was given on here was ‘let the crisis happen’ because as we all know it’s never a crisis. Stop answering the phone, don’t listen to the voicemails and say to your DF I will ring you/visit you at this time on this day. You have to stop being the go to for everything. If he’s capable of ringing you, he’s capable of ringing the emergency services if there is a real emergency. Start saying no and don’t answer the phone. It sounds harsh but unless you’ve been in this position you have no idea of how it chips away at every part of you. Sending good wishes. Start making these changes today.

I’ve genuinely tried and have place far more boundaries than I used have but I’m still finding it difficult.

You are being pushed into a 24/7caring role with no thanks, no help, no recompense, no time off and no end in sight.
Of course you are going to feel resentful!

When people think of caring, they think of the mild mannered old lady in the corner who is a bit forgetful. They don't think it will last for a decade, or involve personality changes, emotional dependency, calls at any time of the day or incontinence. We are living a lot longer now, but we haven't had the cultural shift to accompany it. Parents ignore their fragility, meaning they block adaptations and help, making the pressure worse on their family.

First: you are not a monster to feel this way.
Second: if your dad is getting this anxious and unable to cope, it's time to look at sheltered accommodation. That means you can turn off your phone in the evening as that's what the onsite facilities are for. Sadly, it might also be time to look at care homes for your DM. Not because you want to offload her, but so you've got a plan in place for when the crisis hits and she can't be safely discharged home from the hospital.

Hugs. You are allowed a life and boundaries. You are not here to be an emotional support line.

@MybosswasMrMcGee you mention your father's personality: I am wondering if he could have, for want of a better words, acclimatised or trained you to take on the burden of guilt from a young age?
I had a relative who was very good at making his problems everyone else's problem, and it took me years to realise that actually, no, I do not have to deal with it any more. (I have 'dropped the rope').
I know it is different for you, but wanted to post this as perhaps counselling may be useful, yes it's an old chestnut but it may help.
Good luck and I hope you find somewhere brilliant for your mum. They are almost as rare as hen's teeth, sadly, but they do exist.

Sweetheart, I understand you, I hear you and I’m sending all my love and support to you…..looking after my elderly dad for 2.5 years almost broke me….i love him with every beat of my heart but I wished he would die more times than I could admit anywhere else…..thank God I am out the other side now ( dad in permanent care home and I can be a daughter again) but I will NEVER ever forget the anger, frustration and sadness I felt… love ,empathy and support from me xx

You have my empathy too, OP!

I loved my grandfather dearly, but cripes, he was hard work towards the end. He was all there in the head, but his body was failing him, and this made him grumpy and morbid. You couldn't leave him alone in the house, because he would have a panic attack and be convinced that he was dying, so there always had to be someone with him. We had to be there 7 days a week, every week, and sometimes several times a day. If you failed to be there, you'd get constant phone calls (or he'd be calling around family members to find you). We all lived within about a three-mile radius, and if anything, it was part of my motivation to get out.

He refused carers, because he didn't want to waste money on them, and he had a firm belief that your family should look after you. Nobody is quite sure as to whether or not he realised that working FT, raising a family, trying to have your own life and being on-call 24/7 was a bit much. When carers tried to do assessments, he would be on his best behaviour and show off, doing everything... and would then be drained and grumpy for a week.

He was a big part of our family, but it was a big stress-relief when he died in his 90's. It was like we got time and our lives back, and it has been said that it's nice that my grandmother (who cared for her own relatives while working PT and raising children) outlived him and has time to do as she likes without having to care for someone else!

Gosh, OP, I feel for you. Been there, done that and doing that myself! I agree with PPs who talk about boundaries. Honestly it's the only way. And no arguments. It's going to be tough and, weary as you are (I know), dig deep and take one day at a time. Don't think about tomorrow, next week, next month, next year with them. Think / plan other lovely things, for you. Dream a little. Sending hugs x