I hate my life right now and it's mainly due to my elderly parents constant needs and I hate myself even more for saying that.

[MybosswasMrMcGee]

The long term relentlessness of having to deal with elderly and unwell parents is so draining and has resulted in my life being put on hold for various reasons (including the stress of it deeply affecting my health) and if I'm honest, and hate myself for admitting it, I truly resent the whole situation.

I'm going to put this down in black and white here because it's the elderly parents forum and I'm hoping someone looking at this may be able to understand and empathise. I don't say this aloud but alongside my deep love and compassion for my elderly parents I feel secret anger and resentment.

Eight years of running this parallel life along side my own. Trying to help keep my parents plates spinning in the air alongside mine too.

Eight years of having to watch my poor mum slowly lose all her faculties due to Alzheimer's and watch her poor little body worn down by the other diseases she also suffers from and my father getting angrier and more stubborn each year because this is also taking his life down with it too but its seems he is so deep in his own grief that he has little understanding that it's also pulling me under too but because 'I don't life with it 24/7 like he does', he just can not see that I am grieving too. Of course I don't life with it physically 24/7 but they are the first thing I think of when I wake and the last thing before bed. He rings me all the time when I'm not at theirs (they live around the corner so I'm there a lot of the time), coming up with all kinds of stresses, worries and requests that he wants dealt with asap.

Yesterday, when I thought I had a day off from seeing them he's calling me in a blind panic because the last few days he's not been able to hold his urine in as well as he usually can and wanted me to find a doctor then and there to deal with it. I tried explaining to him that unless he sits in a&e for hours on end he's not going to be able to see someone until Monday when I will try and get him a GP consultation and that at 85 it's more than likely to be an enlarged prostate because unfortunately 90% of men his age will have some kind of prostate issue (85 year old FIL has just had his removed) but it's not good enough to wait till Monday and it's all he's consumed with right now. I really feel for him because he's living in fear of his own mortality since mum's been unwell even though he's actually in very good health but he stresses so much and does expect things to be done for him then and there which is unrealistic and not going to happen.

I don't really know what I'm asking from this thread other than to find some common ground in others, wanting to connect with others who are going through similar as none of my friends are experiencing through this right now, most of their parents are still only in their 70's (I never realised my parents were a good 8-10 years older than my friend's parents when I was younger but I'm definitely seeing it now).

We have everything we can practically put in place for my parents (carers in every day to deal with mum's double incontinence, social services assessments have been done, all benefits etc they are entitled to they have) but it's just the overwhelming weight of dealing with mum's long term, life changing diseases which sadly takes down everyone involved. Even if mum were to go into a home the sadness and living grief won't leave.

It's wearing, relentless and soul destroying and for me I have to sadly acknowledge the fact that the only relief I will get from this is when they are no longer here and that breaks my heart, life will never be the same though because my parents will be gone forever.

Anyone else in a similar position?

I’m with you on this, it’s so hard and your feelings are quite natural.

How do you prevent it though? If dementia kicks in, how do you stop it becoming your kids’ problem ? I’m desperate to find a solution to this as I am in exactly the same situation as you and the thought of my children having to put up with this shit absolutely breaks my heart.

Another one who has been there, done that.

Apologies, haven't read the whole thread, but just wanted to recommend a book I found called "The Selfish Pig's Guide to Caring". I didn't even read it all but found it v liberating, discussing the strains of caring for someone and giving you permission to feel p*ssed off/stressed/irritated too. I came back to it occasionally, just to remind myself that I was not alone, and that it's ok to feel that way. You can still love someone and struggle with the pressure of caring.

My sister shirks away from the caring because she says she hasn’t had kids etc so isn’t used to the caring side of things in life!

@MybosswasMrMcGee This is one aspect of this difficult situation that I think you can potentially change. Tough luck that she doesn’t want to get involved, call her and tell her that you’re not coping and say that she needs to sort out some support.

I can’t stand it when siblings leave everything to one person, it’s so unfair. There have to be some things that she can assist with.

I really feel for you. My mother had significant mental health problems as well as the usual age-related declines. Our relationship improved dramatically when I got her into a kind care home. They are out there, and I hope you find one.

People without children have to find solutions - I don't know exactly what they are though.

In America continuous care communities are more common. You move in whilst you still have your faculties and then you transition to higher levels of care (including dementia care) if needed, all on the same site. The costs of living in such places are high though.

Suggest book yourself a holiday, a weekend, a week or 2 weeks away.

Your relatives can phone GP, 111

It sounds like you need a break

How do you prevent it though? If dementia kicks in, how do you stop it becoming your kids’ problem ? I’m desperate to find a solution to this as I am in exactly the same situation as you and the thought of my children having to put up with this shit absolutely breaks my heart.

I mentioned upthread that it is worth having these conversations with children long before the situation arises. My AC know where my instructions are for my care if I acquire dementia ... basically to find me residential or nursing home; and also info about what things about those homes might make me happiest - e.g. lots of light, sight of some greenery and no canned music! Hopefully this will help them to do right by me (as they would wish to do) without a burden of guilt.

You cannot avoid becoming your "kids' problem" but you can set the parameters for how that problem might be solved.

@Fullphotophone I agree. Her sister can be the contact while she’s away.

All good points, thanks

I have one child less elderly relative I keep an eye on and she prepared for this really really well, knowing that there were no children she could assume would do it, and only distantly related younger relatives who also live at quite a distance. It is a lot easier if you own your home or have savings though as that enables choices.

You sort out your possessions early, ruthlessly declutter, make sensible choices about where you live - this meant she stayed fit and active as she was walking to the bus rather than car dependent. Take part in the local community for social interaction and more people looking out for you. And she researched and visited residential care homes and chose to move into one that provided what she needed and wanted. Plus make wishes clear to any relatives and have up-to-date will and PoA. Yes, I’ve had to get involved with making sure payments are made on time (I hold PoA) and a solicitor dealt with a lot of the house sale/clearance but I haven’t had to do any of the shopping, house maintenance, medical appt runs, emergency dashes because she’d put things in place.

That's really good to hear that it is possible to address a lot of the issues of old age when you are on your own. That will be situation I will be in, as I have no children and am an only child. I will actually have no relatives at all.

I wouldnt rely on conversations particularly if you definitely want your wishes carried out. When my Dad died my younger sister just challenged everything he would of wanted for his funeral e.g. he didn't want lots of flowers she said she didn't care what he would of wanted and she wanted to get x y z.

It definitely made me realise that for own funeral I will make my own arrangements ahead of time with either a funeral home/package or a solicitor with money paying them from my estate to basically sort it all out.

I think we (as a society, not posters here) really need a change in attitudes and expectations about old age. My observation (being of an age where I and many people I know have elderly parents) is that very few people plan for a time when they become less independent and remaining in 'the family home' seems to be accepted as the expectation. Paying for care or moving to more suitable accommodation is seen as 'giving up' or failure of families to care for their elderly relative. I often hear people saying how upsetting it is to think of the home that they worked all their lives to buy and keep being sold to fund care. My view is that the money they paid for their home was not an investment in an asset to pass on to their children, but an investment in having a suitable home for the rest of their life so if that particular building is no longer working as that it's perfectly right that it is sold to fund the home that they need now (whether this be a smaller bungalow, assisted living or a care home).

I have observed that as well. My grand uncle was in the same case an he prepared meticulously for the time he wouldn’t be able to say in his home . It probably helped that he moved in to a nursing for medical reasons and had full capacity ( and also that he was a punctilious civil servant with a healthy bank balance). Whereas in cases where people have kids you see all the difficult behaviours and family dynamics that fill the elderly parents board.

You see them trying to protect their inheritance if we are honest about it.

I see you! I’m 7 years in with my
widow mother. We never had a particular close relationship and I resent that now my whole life is on hold while I dance to her tune. She’s demanding and it’s really hard to get her the help she needs because the resources in the NHS are so stretched. She just sees that as my failure. I hear you. I can’t see the end either. I can’t offer any advice. I see you xxx

Well yes in some cases, but I guess the reasons are various. Sibling rivalry, the”golden child” who’s expected to do everything while the other(s) ( often but not always the male child) turn up once a month with a box of chocolates and get lionised.

Hi this story gets repeated on Mumsnet almost every day, all the stories are almost identical unfortunately There are no answers, it’s all down to how you want to proceed with your life.
Your parents have had the best of theirs, you mustn’t spoil your life, by trying to keep everything going.
It is the most difficult thing I’ve been there too, first with my dad then mum. I’m an only one, so it all fell to me. After more than 30 hospital admissions over 20 years the one and only time I couldn’t attend because I was ill was the last one for mum, it just goes to show you can’t be there all the time it’s impossible. Set some boundaries, get the help and get on with your life. Wishing you all the luck.

I hear you and I feel the same, you are not alone. I said a similar thing in my head yesterday on the way home from GP visit with my DF. I had had the shittest morning, I was WFH - I am in a very demanding job, my youngest was home sick with horrible chest infection, the once a year gardener had arrived to do the big jobs I can't manage. My DF arrived at mine 2 hrs before his GP appointment which he wanted me to attend with him, 2 bloody hours. It takes 5 mins to get to the GP. I just found it all so stressful. I brought him to GP appointment where he took 45 mins, she has the patience of a saint, to ruminate on all the problems he has and that nobody is listening to him or helping him (untrue!!). Then home straight back into meetings, not much time to eat more than a piece of toast (badly organised is all, I normally love my lunch break). DF repeatedly told me I needed to "do less" and look after myself. He doesn't realise that if he didn't form a huge part of my day and pressures I would feel so much lighter. I hate this part of my life, I hate that I hate it, I hate that my kids and DH don't get the best version of me - although I try so hard now to be more fun for them - I know it is working as they are much more relaxed with me in comparison to 5 yrs ago when I was in thick of my mum's cancer & DF's "deer in headlights" response. Sorry this is a huge vent. I am feeling so overwhelmed this week. I am also lined up for mammogram on Tues next as I found a lump on my breast - GP doesn't think it is sinister and is not concerned, neither am I as it has all hallmarks of unremarkable - just doing a check - but you know - it's another thing. Sorry - I digress.

I swear to all/any gods that may be knocking about - I will never do this to my kids, never. You are not alone. Big hug 💐

I am sorry for all the difficult times everyone is going through. To all those that say they will 'never do it to their kids' though - how are you going to avoid it? What plans will you put in place? Assisted living type set ups are perhaps likely to become more common in the future, however I anticipate they will be expensive. Unless you are able to be putting away vast amount of money for your future (I am talking hundreds of thousands), relying on your children seems in some ways inevitable?

You def need to keep independent a little anyway. Ours needs her hand held its very draining. If you go nowhere/join nothing its more pressure on kids. You cant plan everything but these are small steps.

Good point @Strawberriesandpears , I guess it’s the attitude. There may be biological reasons for it (shrinking of the parts of the brain governing empathy) but so many older people become very self absorbed . I just hope to God I don’t get like that.

It's an important question. I plan on: having more than a state pension which has left my DF in precarious financial position, minding my mind and my body - doing exercise and being involved in local community (DF does neither, my DBs and I are his only social outlet), good medical maintenance (e.g. DF now has no toenails from 25 yrs of ignoring fungal nail issues, is prediabetic but won't change diet as "What's the point now"), declutter (DF has enormous house full of 50 yrs of family life), downsize if needed, get all paperwork in order (DF has some of this done). It all feels like he and my DM left everything to another time as it was never urgent or needed - and now it's just this big mess.

@MybosswasMrMcGee no advice to offer but I can relate xx