I hate my life right now and it's mainly due to my elderly parents constant needs and I hate myself even more for saying that.

[MybosswasMrMcGee]

The long term relentlessness of having to deal with elderly and unwell parents is so draining and has resulted in my life being put on hold for various reasons (including the stress of it deeply affecting my health) and if I'm honest, and hate myself for admitting it, I truly resent the whole situation.

I'm going to put this down in black and white here because it's the elderly parents forum and I'm hoping someone looking at this may be able to understand and empathise. I don't say this aloud but alongside my deep love and compassion for my elderly parents I feel secret anger and resentment.

Eight years of running this parallel life along side my own. Trying to help keep my parents plates spinning in the air alongside mine too.

Eight years of having to watch my poor mum slowly lose all her faculties due to Alzheimer's and watch her poor little body worn down by the other diseases she also suffers from and my father getting angrier and more stubborn each year because this is also taking his life down with it too but its seems he is so deep in his own grief that he has little understanding that it's also pulling me under too but because 'I don't life with it 24/7 like he does', he just can not see that I am grieving too. Of course I don't life with it physically 24/7 but they are the first thing I think of when I wake and the last thing before bed. He rings me all the time when I'm not at theirs (they live around the corner so I'm there a lot of the time), coming up with all kinds of stresses, worries and requests that he wants dealt with asap.

Yesterday, when I thought I had a day off from seeing them he's calling me in a blind panic because the last few days he's not been able to hold his urine in as well as he usually can and wanted me to find a doctor then and there to deal with it. I tried explaining to him that unless he sits in a&e for hours on end he's not going to be able to see someone until Monday when I will try and get him a GP consultation and that at 85 it's more than likely to be an enlarged prostate because unfortunately 90% of men his age will have some kind of prostate issue (85 year old FIL has just had his removed) but it's not good enough to wait till Monday and it's all he's consumed with right now. I really feel for him because he's living in fear of his own mortality since mum's been unwell even though he's actually in very good health but he stresses so much and does expect things to be done for him then and there which is unrealistic and not going to happen.

I don't really know what I'm asking from this thread other than to find some common ground in others, wanting to connect with others who are going through similar as none of my friends are experiencing through this right now, most of their parents are still only in their 70's (I never realised my parents were a good 8-10 years older than my friend's parents when I was younger but I'm definitely seeing it now).

We have everything we can practically put in place for my parents (carers in every day to deal with mum's double incontinence, social services assessments have been done, all benefits etc they are entitled to they have) but it's just the overwhelming weight of dealing with mum's long term, life changing diseases which sadly takes down everyone involved. Even if mum were to go into a home the sadness and living grief won't leave.

It's wearing, relentless and soul destroying and for me I have to sadly acknowledge the fact that the only relief I will get from this is when they are no longer here and that breaks my heart, life will never be the same though because my parents will be gone forever.

Anyone else in a similar position?

It is so hard. I really feel for you.

I am looking at it from the other end, although nowhere near as old as your parents.

I lost my OH 6 years ago and now am afflicted with entirely unexpected health and mobility problems, including a heart attack, stent, pacemaker dependent, musculoskeletal skeletal pain with knobs on etc. etc. .... all massively boring and frustrating.

And sadly very worrying for my DDs as I live alone now. I would give anything to take this worry away from them, but what can I do? .... it simply is what it is .... I cannot change reality.

I cover up endlessly.... they have no idea how bad things are sometimes ... the chest pain, the sleepless nights, the frustration of not being able to do things that need doing. I never expect them to do anything ... I get people in to help with the heavy jobs that I cannot manage.

You sound like a lovely caring DD and I commend you. It sounds as though your frightened father no longer has the head space to put himself in your shoes and realise what all this is doing to you. God I hope I do not get to that stage!

I have a fireproof box in which the DDs know I have put instructions about my future care so that they will know what to do if I lose the plot. Those instructions do not involve them caring for me but places on them the responsibility of finding me a suitable care or nursing home and outlines the things there that would make me happiest so they know they are making the right choice and can do so with a clear conscience.

They do help me ... with their company when they are able, and they always ask if there is anything they can do for me when they are here.

There are also ways in which I can help them. They know I am a constant listening ear in life's troubles and I help the GC with their music.

Getting older is a bugger and for some like me, it comes so much sooner than expected.

I think that you need to look after yourself too with no hint of guilt. Make time for you ... time that is solidly ring-fenced. When I had to care for my sick OH there were 2 musical activities in the week that stayed solid throughout and I got someone in to care for him during those times. It kept me passably sane.

I do understand how hard all this must be for you and send a handheld.

It is so hard. I really feel for you.

I am looking at it from the other end, although nowhere near as old as your parents.

I lost my OH 6 years ago and now am afflicted with entirely unexpected health and mobility problems, including a heart attack, stent, pacemaker dependent, musculoskeletal skeletal pain with knobs on etc. etc. .... all massively boring and frustrating.

And sadly very worrying for my DDs as I live alone now. I would give anything to take this worry away from them, but what can I do? .... it simply is what it is .... I cannot change reality.

I cover up endlessly.... they have no idea how bad things are sometimes ... the chest pain, the sleepless nights, the frustration of not being able to do things that need doing. I never expect them to do anything ... I get people in to help with the heavy jobs that I cannot manage.

You sound like a lovely caring DD and I commend you. It sounds as though your frightened father no longer has the head space to put himself in your shoes and realise what all this is doing to you. God I hope I do not get to that stage!

I have a fireproof box in which the DDs know I have put instructions about my future care so that they will know what to do if I lose the plot. Those instructions do not involve them caring for me but places on them the responsibility of finding me a suitable care or nursing home and outlines the things there that would make me happiest so they know they are making the right choice and can do so with a clear conscience.

They do help me ... with their company when they are able, and they always ask if there is anything they can do for me when they are here.

There are also ways in which I can help them. They know I am a constant listening ear in life's troubles and I help the GC with their music.

Getting older is a bugger and for some like me, it comes so much sooner than expected.

I think that you need to look after yourself too with no hint of guilt. Make time for you ... time that is solidly ring-fenced. When I had to care for my sick OH there were 2 musical activities in the week that stayed solid throughout and I got someone in to care for him during those times. It kept me passably sane.

I do understand how hard all this must be for you and send a handheld.

I have no idea why that loaded twice!!!

Bless you , you sound like a wonderful lady and I’m sending my love and best wishes to you x

I am so sorry OP, your pain is so clear. I just wanted to say please don't feel bad about your thoughts, they are completely natural. People often have similar thoughts when watching a loved one with a terminal illness at a younger age too, as it's so terrible to watch them suffer like that and bear the trauma yourself. Alzheimer's is really a living hell, we have it in our family, we believe my parent is in the early stages also and they also have cancer and we've all had thoughts about hoping the cancer gets them before the Alzheimer's gets worse. It's horrible to feel like that but do not feel guilty, it is a completely normal reaction to these horrendous circumstances. Sending you massive hugs.

Right in the middle if this now, stress is incredible only positive is siblings who share the load. Parent paying 1500 per week to be neglected, but we are going in daily and struggling to get alternative place. Let down by everyone from nursing home, go,social services and nhs. Coming to end of life but no hospice care for the very elderly. Until you are involved, you have no idea how frail elderly are so badly served in this country. Mum was in daughter’s home for years, before it became impossible.
Feel like running away , but of course can’t, just hoping for a merciful end to this, primarily for elderly person but also for family. I have had my naive illusions shattered by all this, that we are a compassionate, caring society. Don’t get old and frail I won’t am making my own arrangements, abroad if necessary.
Sending love to all of us in the club that no one wants to join

Me and DH had this discussion last night. Currently away on yet another holiday. Retiring early this year and plan very many more. I’d lost both my parents by 44, my dad aged 54 and my mum in a car accident in her 60’s. DH DF has passed and his mum is in care. We do as we please. Almost next to no elder responsibility. My DC though, we’re shortchanged with lack of GP quite early on. Meanwhile my friend the same age juggles the care of both her IL’s and recently bereaved DM who lives an hour away. Constantly on call, constantly on edge. But she’s had over twenty more years of her parents in her life, and all the benefits of that to her and her family.
Is there a better of the two? Is there even a happy medium?

There's a saying over on the Cockroach Cafe, you have to be willing to put your own oxygen mask on first. And it's true. Nothing I did could have stopped my dad's deterioration and eventual death 6 months ago. No amount of running round after my mum would have paused the descent into dementia. What's so 'awful' about the care homes? I do empathise and understand because I used to work in adult social care and knew exactly which homes to avoid, but are they all really terrible or just not 'perfect' ? Somehow you need to step away even more than you have done and it's time to lay the guilt down, it can't be changed and its time to manage the situation 'better' for yourself.

Perhaps you could decide between you what your wishes are for your care should you need this; and then tell your DC where this information can be found so that they can do the right things when the time come.

Worth reading twice! I think my dad feels much like you

Hugs op. Its very hard. My mam is quite needy so theres always a phone call or a drama. We had over ten yrs with dads care of a stroke. You end up worn out. My friend has it too with her dad.

Why do people get like when they are older... is it a generational thing? Or is it something caused from aging?

My Dad was the same, so impossible to deal with, wouldn't go the doctor in timely.manner to resolve issues before it got worse, wouldn't follow advice etc.

It's like parents become babies in old life... suddenly unable to do admin stuff that they were managing before on their own. Become very impatient and want everything to happen right away.

I habe to admit I was relieved when my Dad suddenly passed away, he had early stages of dementia and he was already quite difficult. I am relieved my mum and myself and my sisters didn't have to deal with what would come.

I don't know what the answer is other than don't feel guilty and try to retain some boundaries.

Yes everything is urgent aswell. And people have jobs! The home help got delayed. Sister got a phone call then me. Then they arrived. All high drama)

Very hard. I’ve been there and it’s exhausting and frightening. I hated myself too for feeling so resentful all the time. The problem with being generally quite competent is that you actually do manage to solve many issues quickly so they expect you to drop everything and magically create a solution every time.
No advice, other than trying to get outside help, but that’s hard when they don’t want it. “I just want you”…the emotional blackmail (often unintentional) is unreal.

@MybosswasMrMcGee some good resources here https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

Sadly he just wouldn’t agree to anything like sheltered accommodation and unfortunately there are few sheltered accommodation units in our area, they are either private and ridiculously expensive or local authority run and my parents don’t quality for an LA help as they have savings.

Everything is an uphill battle with my dad, took years for him to agree to carers coming in, months to agree to everything we suggest to help him and we are constantly being accused of interfering and suggesting ridiculous things (just like the handheld vacuum cleaner that he made a fuss about earlier this week that we bought him, only for him to admit today it’s great!).

We have been looking at care homes over the last few weeks for respite for mum and every one within their budget has been awful so far and I’ve come out crying from most of the viewings, I genuinely wouldn’t put my dog in any of them. We will keep visiting as many as we can and hope and pray one will be ok but it’s not looking good so far sadly. Tbh though it’s not mum who is the issue, she is being well cared for by the carers and they all love her, she isn’t an issue at all and although her dementia has caused double incontinence and much less mobility she is always in good spirits. My healthy dad is the biggest problem most of the time.

Yes, you are probably right.

I have just finished 3 months of counselling but sadly it’s not helped too much. In all honesty and as I say, I hate saying it but I don’t think the problem will resolve in my head until it’s no longer a problem, IYKWIM?

Thank you so much. I’m sorry you’ve been through this too x

Sounds very much like my father, it is so very draining.

Uh, no, it wouldn’t help much- you may need a decade of therapy to deal with this, or ongoing therapy until (and for a short time after) your parents pass away, which the NHS can’t currently provide.

Your biggest problem seems to be your guilt. When you KNOW you’re doing the right thing, please don’t feel guilty (easier said than done). And if you ever question yourself, come to the Elderly Parents section for support (I really rate The Cockroach Cafe, and even the name is indicative of the dark humour you have to have to deal with a lot of elderly relatives, and especially fathers for some reason…) So maybe ask on CC for some advice about dealing with elderly men who refuse help while demanding it? You’re not the only one dealing with that particular problem, so hopefully others can share actual strategies that worked for guilt reduction and handling cantankerousness.

Practice the phrase, “There’s nothing else I can do. When I can do X, I will. Have a good day!” Then ignore responses for a few hours. If your father would feel panicked if you don’t call or text for a few hours, then it’s time to get them a fall alarm, because you cannot be everything to everyone, all the time.

You do sound so very caring and I’m sorry you’ve been through so much.

I wish you the very best for your future.

Oh OP I so feel for you. I was broken after 11 months of shuttling up and down the motorway only DC to DPs refusing to acknowledge the level of care I ( and DH ) were having to provide because of their inability to accept reality. Thankfully they finally agreed to go into a care home near us this month as DF admitted to hospital with a low heart rate and we strong armed the consultant to say he could only be released to a care home. Ironically after putting me through so much because he didn’t want to go in, he has settled in well and it’s DM who is struggling to come to terms with it. I was lucky because they have money enough to move quickly once the decision was made and could pick a nice home where they are together. This morning after a visit I nearly cried- I was able to have a nice conversation with each of them ( until DM moved into dementia laser focus on her vitamin D tablets) without having to sort out bills, out of date food in the fridge, take DF to the shops etc. etc.

For the first time in about 6 months, I am not waiting for their own death to start my life again. At some of my low points I even considered if I should end my own life seeing as they seemed unlikely to ever die. So don’t beat yourself up about your feelings they are perfectly natural.

I don’t know what the answer is - you’ve had some good suggestions- but you absolutely must not feel guilty. You can only do what you can do. My DPs were nice normal people before extreme old age turned them into demanding vultures who didn’t seem to realise they were an hour away each way to get to and we had jobs to do and our own lives to live. In the end I had to mentally distance myself from them in order to get through the days.

I am in a similar boat, just with my DM who has dementia. It’s exceptionally hard and my sibling seems hell bent on saying things aren’t so bad so I feel very alone with it. In my DMs case, she isn’t terribly demanding in terms of phone calls, but everything is my responsibility now, healthcare, medications, cleaning, house maintenance, shopping. I believe dementia makes people lose empathy as well, so she gives little to no thanks and like others have said, little awareness that I have a life.

Goodness me, OP, I could have virtually written your post. Elderly mum was in the early stages of dementia. She often mixed me up with siblings and other family members and turned into someone who was angry at me most of the time. Father who would phone me whilst I was working and demand I come NOW to sort out the latest crisis (it was always a crisis, no matter how mild) and couldn't seem to grasp that I couldn't just abandon my work at the drop of a hat. Both parents moaned every single time I went round that they hadn't seen me for ages (ages being 2 or 3 days usually) and berated me for not doing more. It was so awful and stressful DH and I actually bought a caravan so we could escape and go away without telling them. My mother was furious every time she found we were away and furious with me for buying it.

Then she had a fall and for 6 weeks was put into respite care in a local cottage hospital. She thrived, was a different person. Visiting her was a pleasure and not a chore. She got on well with the other patients and adored the nursing staff. I could be a daughter again. So I tried to push for a home for her but both parents have spent their lives insisting they will never go into a home and they would not even hear of it. In the end the hospital organised carers for a few weeks but my father constantly sent them away saying it was his job to help her not theirs and there was nothing needed doing - and then would phone me to help!

Once back home, the problems ranked up as she was frailer than before. She sadly was readmitted to hospital within 3 weeks and died. At the time DH and I had gone away in the caravan as I pretty much had a breakdown with the stress of it all. I still feel the terrible guilt now that I wasn't there to help in the last weeks she had at home. I got to visit her in hospital but she was just angry with me again by then. It was not the end I imagined for us.

Since her death, my father has become harder and harder to deal with. He sounds exactly like yours, no empathy at all, moans about everything but won't take any advice at all. Except when the problems get out of hand and then he wants a solution NOW. Never a word of thanks. DH does so much for him but he never has a good word to say about him. Tells the whole world he "never sees me" and complains if I'm working. Spends his life telling me being old is constant misery. I do feel sorry for him but he will do nothing to help himself. He's been offered so much from various sources to brighten his life up a bit but refuses it all. He's never been an easy man but he was never this negative, grumpy and complaining. It's exhausting.

I hate saying it but life has been easier since mum hasn't been around. My father at least is only moaning about his own crises and not demanding I fix hers. The pace of demands is not as overwhelming as it was then. Then I feel the guilt. I see him from a sense of duty alone and then I feel guilty about that too.

I've had to harden my heart to it a bit. One thing I've found, when my father is moaning about everything under the sun is to just say "oh dear. That must be very hard for you". This seems to get by far the best response. It makes the relationship feel inauthentic but you have to do what you have to do. And I limit the times I see him to a couple a week. I work full time and have family, friends, a life. There's nothing I can say really that will help because I know what an awful situation it is - other than look after yourself, only do what your mental health can cope with. You'll always feel guilty, no matter how much you do. It will never be enough for them and you'll still feel bad. I think guilt is an inevitable part of it. So just do what works for you. And remember your life is every bit as important as theirs and you shouldn't have to totally sacrifice it.

You sound lovely, caring, and absolutely at the end of your tether! Can you not sit your sister down and set out some rules? Maybe suggest you do set days a week each, both have days when your phone is off, and then tell your dad this is what is happening. You have to advocate for yourself or you will break and not be able to do anything and then your sister will need to step up or find alternatives for your dad which will make things harder for everyone.
I have been where you are with my mum who had vascular dementia and my only sister lives in Australia. We were lucky in that a local care home was lovely and so mum could live there and as a pp mentioned I could be a daughter again. It is easy to say you should lose the guilt but you are doing everything you can and then some, please try and take a bit of pressure off yourself.