I hate my life right now and it's mainly due to my elderly parents constant needs and I hate myself even more for saying that.

[MybosswasMrMcGee]

The long term relentlessness of having to deal with elderly and unwell parents is so draining and has resulted in my life being put on hold for various reasons (including the stress of it deeply affecting my health) and if I'm honest, and hate myself for admitting it, I truly resent the whole situation.

I'm going to put this down in black and white here because it's the elderly parents forum and I'm hoping someone looking at this may be able to understand and empathise. I don't say this aloud but alongside my deep love and compassion for my elderly parents I feel secret anger and resentment.

Eight years of running this parallel life along side my own. Trying to help keep my parents plates spinning in the air alongside mine too.

Eight years of having to watch my poor mum slowly lose all her faculties due to Alzheimer's and watch her poor little body worn down by the other diseases she also suffers from and my father getting angrier and more stubborn each year because this is also taking his life down with it too but its seems he is so deep in his own grief that he has little understanding that it's also pulling me under too but because 'I don't life with it 24/7 like he does', he just can not see that I am grieving too. Of course I don't life with it physically 24/7 but they are the first thing I think of when I wake and the last thing before bed. He rings me all the time when I'm not at theirs (they live around the corner so I'm there a lot of the time), coming up with all kinds of stresses, worries and requests that he wants dealt with asap.

Yesterday, when I thought I had a day off from seeing them he's calling me in a blind panic because the last few days he's not been able to hold his urine in as well as he usually can and wanted me to find a doctor then and there to deal with it. I tried explaining to him that unless he sits in a&e for hours on end he's not going to be able to see someone until Monday when I will try and get him a GP consultation and that at 85 it's more than likely to be an enlarged prostate because unfortunately 90% of men his age will have some kind of prostate issue (85 year old FIL has just had his removed) but it's not good enough to wait till Monday and it's all he's consumed with right now. I really feel for him because he's living in fear of his own mortality since mum's been unwell even though he's actually in very good health but he stresses so much and does expect things to be done for him then and there which is unrealistic and not going to happen.

I don't really know what I'm asking from this thread other than to find some common ground in others, wanting to connect with others who are going through similar as none of my friends are experiencing through this right now, most of their parents are still only in their 70's (I never realised my parents were a good 8-10 years older than my friend's parents when I was younger but I'm definitely seeing it now).

We have everything we can practically put in place for my parents (carers in every day to deal with mum's double incontinence, social services assessments have been done, all benefits etc they are entitled to they have) but it's just the overwhelming weight of dealing with mum's long term, life changing diseases which sadly takes down everyone involved. Even if mum were to go into a home the sadness and living grief won't leave.

It's wearing, relentless and soul destroying and for me I have to sadly acknowledge the fact that the only relief I will get from this is when they are no longer here and that breaks my heart, life will never be the same though because my parents will be gone forever.

Anyone else in a similar position?

Thank you, I’m glad you found a nice home for your OH. I have a long list of homes to visit and we keep looking at them, a few per week and hopefully we’ll find the right one for mum. I keep my fingers crossed.

We really need to have a conversation about elderly health care as a society. Years ago it wouldn't have come to this as you’d have died of other ailments long before dementia became an issue. A short sharp illness and off you shuffled, not decades of decline, maybe even years being bed bound for the really unfortunate. The “cost” and stress placed on family members as well as the financial implications to the state are not inconsiderable.
It’s all very well the NHS and modern medicine keeping us living another 20yrs but the reality is it’s not extra years in your 30’s!

I will not accept care from my kids under any circumstances, its not fair for them to sacrifice their lives for mine.
I’d suggest you lower your expectations of a care home OP and get your mum booked in - who knows how many good years you yourself have left!

I absolutely agree with you about elderly care needing reforming etc but I'm not going to put my mum into any old care home, I simply couldn't live with that. It would be a pointless task because it would still make me unwell knowing she was living out the last of her months/years in a place I wouldn't want to reside in.

We will keep looking for a good care home for her, one will come up, I'm sure but I won't lower my expectations because mum didn't ask to get dementia. She's been a great mum and best friend, I just can't do that to her.

I went through this with a beloved relative - more like a parent as I lived with them. They got religious mania and paranoia about me, it was horrific. Despite hating me they wanted me to be their full-time carer with a chorus of constant disapproval from their 'friends' at the church. Eventually, I just stopped. I had health conditions of my own and it was killing me, especially as everything I did wasn't enough or wasn't right anyway. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and, at first, the guilt was overwhelming, particularly as my relative would not admit they were ill or accept any help at all. Other people simply have no idea that you cannot compel people to do things if they don't want to if they are still judged to have capacity. I received a lot of judgement for things I had no control over, a lot of people seemed to think that unless I completely ruined my own life and health caring for a relative that hated me I was a terrible person. I read a lot on here and other websites and my conclusion was that nothing would change until they reached crisis point. I kept my eye on them from a distance but I did keep my distance.

Eventually, they lost capacity and I stepped back in and found them a great home, made their room there lovely and visited them regularly. By that point they had lost their anger and paranoia so I was able to spend quality time with them. If I had gone under earlier in the process I would not have been able to do that and they would have been at the mercy strangers as none of their helpful religious friends went to visit them or check they were ok.

My advice is to bite the bullet and find a way to live with the guilt, OP. You are not a bad person because you don't want to make yourself ill caring for someone who doesn't appreciate it. You're allowed to be happy, life is short.

Its time we all start to have the hard conversations now, no more talking about death being a taboo subject its going to happen to us all. We all need to start from an early age provisioning for our own care not placing a burden on kids. And my god we need an assisted dying bill that gives everyone a choice. Yet for too many people are against it all until its too late and then they wish for it all because suddey the reality is not palpable.

There is no dignity is eeking out your life if you are bed bound and in pain if you have lived 70 or even 90 years, what are more years getting you? I don’t personally understand it myself.

And yes care needs to be tackled so everyone can have some dignity and good care.

I really feel just like pensions comes from paying on NI there should now be a similar tax for care and removed feom council tax. With state funded care homes as someone suggested above which sets a decent benchmark and if you want more you pay for it. Just like NHS vs private

Theresa may lost her majority for t he sensible proposal of funding dementia care fairly

Nobody wanted to lose their inheritance

I do think anyone who expects to be cared for is a moron tbh, we all need to make plans

Ya, my dad's like that too. If hes going through anything, he has no problem calling over and offloading all his problems onto us. And often the situation isn't as bad as he thinks and it's just his own anxiety talking. I feel for you with this. I wonder if you could ask a neighbour to check on them or even a public health nurse. It might help to have someone calling regularly that he could talk things through with. It might give you a bit of a break

I could have written this - we had 7 years it. I honestly think it's affected me for life in as much as I was recently separated from exH#2 when it all started, all amicable moving forward however I vowed would never have another 'live in' relationship again as I now suffer from severe compassion fatigue, if there is such a thing. The thought of having to care for anyone again is utterly terrifying to me as I am on the wrong side of 50 and can finally see a gap to live my life for 'me' for once. I am truly never sharing my home or being responsible for anyone other than my own DC (young adults now), again. I have deliberately downsized my house so my remaining relative can't make suggestions to live with me. The stress has caused the whole dynamic in the family to change and my siblings and I and are no longer close after a few shouty rows - it's clear one has a much more tolerant and patient/closer relationship with the remaining parent than I do. I feel no love now, just simmering resentment that we've gone from one parent with literally no break from their passing, to the other who is now really fucking needy. The guilt never leaves you; I feel guilt that I loved one more than the other, but that's just life so what can you do - it's how I feel. I visit through clenched teeth and of course will be there to advocate for them so in some capacities until they pass, but have to try and process and deal with these awful feelings myself-a person who was once compassionate and who cared for everyone and everything.
I'm also on Sertraline which numbed my feelings somewhat from the first bout of caring, so maybe that contributes to this complete apathy that I live with now. Every sympathy OP. I also put DND on my phone now. No guilt there...

It’s one of the reasons, we put our DD in a care home - which has its own onsite GP practice and team of nurses. I just found it so difficult dealing with the NHS and getting anything done, when it needed to be done!

@MybosswasMrMcGee , I’ve been where you are. I’ve experienced every stress you’ve described. For years I felt like a firefighter attempting to put out one fire after the next. It was draining , exhausting and relentless. The worst thing without a doubt was my mother’s dementia which took a hugely intelligent woman and tortured her beyond comprehension.
It’s some years now since I lost both my mum and my dad. While my mum battled dementia my dad fought a brain tumour. It was horrendous. Horrific. Dad came to live with me after mum died, that was tough, really tough.
We all view things differently but I am glad I did what I did, an absolute sacrifice though it undoubtedly was. I believe in responsibility for family and I know a lot of people don’t but I could not have acted differently. I gave up a lot for a while and it was so tough but it matters to me that I did the very best I could. I can go forward with the rest of my life knowing I did my best had I abdicated what I believe was my responsibility I would not be able to live my life now happily. I’m sending you a virtual hug of support.

This thread has made me think about this... we are born and spend 20yrs having fun and learning as we grow up, then spend between 20-30 trying to set ourselves up for life, meeting someone and plannong to have a family or have one. Then spend 30- almost 50 raising our own kids and just as we finally get time back your looking after your elderly parents which can potentially consume your life from say late 40s to potentially 60 caring for them and then by that time your staring down old age yourself.

Its pretty messed up when you see it like that that the only truly carefree time you had was when you were growing up.

And for a lot of us those time periods are even more strung out. I’m an older mum born of older parents. So it was more like 20-40 trying to establish career, meet someone, settle down, start family. I’ll have children at home until well into my 50s, if they go to university I’ll be supporting them until I’m 60 at least.
The elderly parents/relatives care has overlapped, so taking up my 40s, and probably well into my 50s, if not 60s.

And my retirement age will be late 60s so all of that on top of working full time.

Just a tip when you are viewing respite - don't get bogged down with how the place looks. A stain on the carpet or wall that needs a lick of paint is totally irrelevant.

Look closer, is it clean, are the staff lovely, empathetic and caring? Read the inspection reports etc.

I mean this kindly, your Mum won't notice if the care home is 'pretty' and has lots of activities etc. In later stage dementia all she needs is good care to keep her safe, clean etc. (My MIL's care home was a bit scruffy but the staff were some of the most wonderful humans I've ever met).

My in laws are like this, they aren't even this as we were never married but their son has nothing to do with them, so rely more and more on me and my DD, they really do put on her and she has a demanding FT job too.

It started with lifts to Hospital (often 4 or 5 hours out the day, 2/3 times a month) even though he drives, chores around the garden /house, my currently partner spent hours chopping up a fallen tree, grass cutting with a strimmer too.

Emergency scares of "Cancer" and Kidney Failure, which turn out to be nothing of the sort.

BUT when i asked if i could use his car (mine was in for repair) it was a flat NO "i never lend a car, last person i did, returned it damaged" (thanks a bunch)

Until this refusal i would have continued helping them but not now, so i ve cut contact, i don't wish to be their carer, running around shopping/GP appointments etc etc.

I ve never really liked them.

Sounds harsh but i didn't work hard to retire early to be their run a round.

Yes. The home iI’d have chosen when MIL was frail but ‘all there’ was very different to the nursing home that she was in near the end when she didn’t know where she was. It was excellent and she was well cared for with proper pain relief.

It was a little run down, frankly (urine) smelling and no place for the less in need of constant care - no cinemas, huge gardens etc. But onsite professionalism, lovely nursing and kindness.

Sympathy to all sharing their stories here. I think it adds to the guilt that we already feel (however much we do for our elderly parents, because it will never be enough and we will neglect other people in our lives to do it) when people with no idea of the reality of the situation try to give us 'helpful' ideas on how to support our ER more, or tell us that things like 'I'd do anything to look after my mum- she looked after me when I was small and now it's my turn'.

I am self employed and work from home and my DC still live with me but are young adults. For a long time I put everything else on hold to help when Dad was very ill (doing my work in the evenings and cancelling some work, barely seeing my DC etc) and I've continued to help mum but obviously can't give her that level of time and focus indefinitely. She is in the early stages of dementia and has zero empathy. Members of my extended family have 'helpfully' suggested that I could 'just' bring her to live with me to save me the 3 hour round trip every time I go to her (which is very, very frequent). They seem to assume that this would just involve me working whilst a lovely older lady quietly sits on the same house whereas I know the reality would be constant 'urgent' questions/requests for assistance (including in the middle of the night), being expected to do everything to her schedule, and upset if I ever go out without her. I also know that if I did, it would become her expectation for the long term.
It doesn't help that my brother refuses to accept that there is anything significant wrong with her so encourages her to refuse to have paid carers or discuss other options.

I know that the dementia is behind it, but Mum now gets angry of she hears that I am doing anything she considers 'frivolous' or just for myself when she feels she or my brother need my help (he always relied on our parents so they seem to expect I will take over the role). So if I ever mention going out for dinner or god forbid a holiday or weekend away with my family she tells me how selfish I am. The moment that really made me decide I had to take a step back was when I was driving to a work meeting and my phone was ringing non-stop. Assuming it must be a real crisis as I'd told mum I would be unavailable all day, I pulled over and called back. First she shouted at me and called me uncaring because apparently I'd told her she could always call me if she needed me but I hadn't answered so I clearly want her to die. She then told me that the chocolates for her neighbour's birthday that I had ordered with her online shop had not arrived. She wanted me to cancel my meeting so that I could buy some from the shops and take them to her immediately. When I refused she called me selfish because now Dot won't get her present. When I reminded her that Dot's birthday was a few days away so we could sort it her answer was 'But I always go over on Wednesdays so I HAVE to go today and HAVE to take it today'. I know that if I said to most people in real life that this is why I am not being as 'available' for mum they will think I'm awful for not being more understanding. But it really felt like it symbolised what our relationship has become.

Their neighbours are all young and out at work all day. Mum does have carers in 3 times a day and we have suggested paying for someone to come and sit with mum a few times a week to give dad a break but he refuses to pay for such a service, rather one of us do it for free!

God, you have no idea how much that resonates with me, clenched teeth visiting, family rows....all of it.

It really does shape your life for the worst doesn't it. I really feel for you.

I think it's why I have recently been pining for my youth, a little bit of a Pollyannaism maybe but it feels as though life was a million times better then than the one I am currently trapped in. I would give anything to be a 16 year old sat on my bed taping the top 40 with not a care in the world. But then again whilst I was doing that my poor 48 year old mum was grieving her recently deceased mum and running herself ragged trying to appease her father and she did that for the next 10 years.

Seems history often repeats itself but I will be damned if my daughter does the same for me, I won't allow it.

We don't, I'm not interested in chandeliers or posh looking furniture etc, it's the feel of the place and how the staff interact with the residents which is important to me (I am a PA for disabled clients so picked up on this) and so far, apart from one home, they have all seemed as though the don't care and each place has an uncomfortable 'vibe', it hasn't just been me that feels it, my dad and sister too.

Hopefully we will find a good place soon, I live in hope.

That's the issue with my dad, he expects me to drop things in an instant and come running time and time again over the smallest of issues yet he's really done very little for me over the years. Often feels very one sided but I do it all because mum was always wonderful and wouldn't hesitate to help me if I had needed her.

Great sympathy from me, too. Having to deal with this for over eight years must be so difficult, draining and exhausting. I looked after my difficult-at-times dad for two years at the end of his life and I found it very hard - both mentally and physically.

I employed a lot of outside help for him, a housekeeper for looking after the house day to day and the basics, and carers two times a day. I also visited him every day and phoned him at eight o'clock every night to say goodnight. He could be really horrible - one lunchtime the housekeeper told me he had been awful to her, thinking she was me, and she told him off!

It's the not having a life of your own, isn't it? I remember one Mother's Day (I had a very young child at the time) dealing with an incontinence issue and feeling so down and shortchanged.

I absolutely agree that elderly care should be a priority for government review - but they all seem to avoid it, don't they? I hope you do manage to find a lovely nursing home eventually for your mum which would at least slightly ease your burden. My aunt was in a couple of care homes and the best one was a local authority run one, but that was many years ago and policy now seems to be they're all outsourced to the private sector.

You need to harden yourself, for your own wellbeing - not easy I know. But don't always be available for your dad, make him wait - you know they're physically safe because of the carers. If you go under, it certainly won't help them.

Maybe get a bit more counselling too - it can help sort out your feelings. And carve out some time for yourself, even if it's only a few hours a week - go for a coffee, sit in the garden, read a book, go fun shopping. It sounds really awful but when my dad died very unexpectedly I was actually at the hairdresser.

I sincerely hope something soon changes for the better for you.

I found the refusal of additional paid care so hurtful. They have ample funds and as an only DC living an hour away, it was never realistic to expect DH and I to plug the huge gaps left after the council provided four carers a day.

If they had accepted more paid care at appropriate times, they would probably still be at home now spending much less than the care home weekly fees. I know both DPs have dementia so cannot think logically, but this seems to be the case for the majority of the very elderly. Their desire for independence and preservation of inheritance as their legacy ends up taking away their adult DCs independence and in my case costs more because of their stubborn pride.

For some of them at least, I suspect they can preserve the illusion that they’re managing if their daughters do it. Whereas paying for care or extra help would indicate they’re not managing.

You can't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Set your limits/boundaries and keep them. I did a lot for my Dad including finding him a flat, being his guarantor, benefit claims/managing his finances, shopping, cleaning, washing... but it was manageable. Then he got cancer.... 6 months later he was gone, and I was a wreck physically and emotionally. At the end I was still working, and spending around 6 hours a day with him. I forgot what an evening at home was. I'd say it took me a good 12 months to recover physically. It nearly broke me.

There are no magic answers, OP, it's a roller coaster and so many times you want to scream stop but no one hears. If you can take 15 minutes from every day and do something for you. Turn your phone off, and switch off from it.